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I have a difficult time accepting this concept. They are family and the only family you have. I would do as much I can to help them out, but try my best not to be taken advantage of...but to be honest, I don't know the whole story...
Just to get you thinking...
Family can include: alcoholics, drug users, beaters, liars, cheaters, absentee parents, bullies, moochers...
You can't choose who you are born to - but you can choose the path of your own life. I fail to see the logic of feeling responsible for other adults who choose a bad life.
My brother is 8 years younger than I am. We never had much of a relationship as my step father (his dad) wasn't and still isn't dad of the year. Mother is same.
He is almost 20 and has never worked, didn't go to prom and never had a gf. I don't speak to him or his dad. My mom is the kind of person who is always asking for money and has never held a job longer than 6 months. She gives up too easy. When she does have money, you don't hear from her.
Recently she told me she sent me a birthday card in the mail, it's been about 2 weeks and I haven't received anything nor have I talked to her since. I didn't expect to receive anything anyway.
My question is when they get older like 60's or 70's, am I going to be obligated to take care of them? I know it sounds harsh, but it just doesn't seem like a fair deal. Everything I have...I earned myself. Even as a child I was physically and verbally abused and had no self-esteem. I was unemployed for about 3 months awhile back and never heard from them as well.
No, you do not owe them anything and certainly are not obligated to take care of them when you and they are older.
My brother is 8 years younger than I am. We never had much of a relationship as my step father (his dad) wasn't and still isn't dad of the year. Mother is same.
He is almost 20 and has never worked, didn't go to prom and never had a gf. I don't speak to him or his dad. My mom is the kind of person who is always asking for money and has never held a job longer than 6 months. She gives up too easy. When she does have money, you don't hear from her.
Recently she told me she sent me a birthday card in the mail, it's been about 2 weeks and I haven't received anything nor have I talked to her since. I didn't expect to receive anything anyway.
My question is when they get older like 60's or 70's, am I going to be obligated to take care of them? I know it sounds harsh, but it just doesn't seem like a fair deal. Everything I have...I earned myself. Even as a child I was physically and verbally abused and had no self-esteem. I was unemployed for about 3 months awhile back and never heard from them as well.
My brother is 8 years younger than I am. We never had much of a relationship as my step father (his dad) wasn't and still isn't dad of the year. Mother is same.
He is almost 20 and has never worked, didn't go to prom and never had a gf. I don't speak to him or his dad. My mom is the kind of person who is always asking for money and has never held a job longer than 6 months. She gives up too easy. When she does have money, you don't hear from her.
Recently she told me she sent me a birthday card in the mail, it's been about 2 weeks and I haven't received anything nor have I talked to her since. I didn't expect to receive anything anyway.
My question is when they get older like 60's or 70's, am I going to be obligated to take care of them? I know it sounds harsh, but it just doesn't seem like a fair deal. Everything I have...I earned myself. Even as a child I was physically and verbally abused and had no self-esteem. I was unemployed for about 3 months awhile back and never heard from them as well.
No you are not obligated.
People are really obligated to look out for themselves. You don't have children just so you have some people obligated to you. Look at childless people -- who takes care of them?
To be fair to your mother though, you might want to be there in some ways for her. Like when she's old, you can tell her you sent her a card in the mail.
I have been having guilt on the same issue. My mother is a self-serving narcissist that has left a huge trail of damage, and would do it now, if only her children didn't avoid her. My 2 siblings also don't talk to her. To allow her into our lives is just not worth the damage she creates. So who IS going to take care of her, when it comes to that time?
It has taken me years to come to the realization that none of us should have to do it. She gave birth for entirely selfish reasons, and we had horrible childhoods because of her. We owe her nothing - and she would willingly create havoc up until her last breath. Sounds harsh - but I don't want to see her again, and my siblings should not have to, either.
From someone who's been in exactly that situation, I can assure you that the guilt eventually fades away. I moved thousands of miles away in my 20s and never saw my mother again in the next 45 years up until she died a few months ago at the age of 97. Even though finally casting her off for their own sanity's sake, my brother and his wife made sure she was comfortable in her remaining years but kept her well away from their own family as all attempts to include her had ended up disastrously.
Those who have no experience dealing with a totally destructive parent are quick to spout the, "blood is thicker than water" and the "you should honor your parents" mantras but haven't a clue. I made enough of a mess of my early life recovering from being raised by this woman and the best decision I made for my own preservation was to essentially divorce her. I'm sorry she was the way that she was and the reason for her being so will remain an enigma. She not only alienated everyone she came into contact with throughout her long life but made very effort to cripple them emotionally - and in many cases was very successful. She passed away exactly as she lived her life - alone and deservedly so.
I cut my other out of my life about two years ago. The most peaceful two years of my life. Sometimes you need to do that.
No you are not obligated to care for someone who has not cared for you. You do not have to accept someone in your life who continually hurts you or drags you down just because you share some genetic materiel.
People are really obligated to look out for themselves. You don't have children just so you have some people obligated to you. Look at childless people -- who takes care of them?
To be fair to your mother though, you might want to be there in some ways for her. Like when she's old, you can tell her you sent her a card in the mail.
NO!!!! You are not obligated to care for her! Caring for a parent is a labor of love and devotion. You were not treated with love and kindness... I would definitely not be available and literally pretty much back off. Why are you sending gifts, anyway? Keep your hard earned money, and just mail a card. Please. You will feel so much better. Set yourself FREE !!!!!!
I have been there with other family members and trust me on this one.
My brother is 8 years younger than I am. We never had much of a relationship as my step father (his dad) wasn't and still isn't dad of the year. Mother is same.
He is almost 20 and has never worked, didn't go to prom and never had a gf. I don't speak to him or his dad. My mom is the kind of person who is always asking for money and has never held a job longer than 6 months. She gives up too easy. When she does have money, you don't hear from her.
Recently she told me she sent me a birthday card in the mail, it's been about 2 weeks and I haven't received anything nor have I talked to her since. I didn't expect to receive anything anyway.
My question is when they get older like 60's or 70's, am I going to be obligated to take care of them? I know it sounds harsh, but it just doesn't seem like a fair deal. Everything I have...I earned myself. Even as a child I was physically and verbally abused and had no self-esteem. I was unemployed for about 3 months awhile back and never heard from them as well.
You will be under no legal obligation to financially care for your parents, but you will have to search your conscience to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do if/when the time comes.
But in the meanwhile - why aren't you reaching out to your brother?
He's a kid in desperate need of a lifeline in the form of a mentor.
YOU could help him so much if you would only choose to get more involved. Is there a good reason you haven't?
You will be under no legal obligation to financially care for your parents, but you will have to search your conscience to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do if/when the time comes.
But in the meanwhile - why aren't you reaching out to your brother?
He's a kid in desperate need of a lifeline in the form of a mentor.
YOU could help him so much if you would only choose to get more involved. Is there a good reason you haven't?
She said the boy was 8 years younger and the father of the boy was her step dad not her dad.
I can see the situation and agree with all of it. I have a brother that is 10 years younger than myself and also my dad had a child with his 3rd wife who is 30 years younger than myself. I would not recognize this kid if I walked past him in the store. Never had a relationship with him and never will. That is HIS kid and not my stepbrother if that makes any sense. She is his WIFE not my stepmother. He and I had a strained relationship our whole life and I mourned his loss years ago, even though he's still alive.
I'm in the midst of a horrible situation with my younger brother and I'm about ready to snap on that. Just because people are 'blood relatives' that don't make them "family."
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