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I've met so many bullies in my life that it doesn't phase me. If the bully is a peer or stranger, I would certainly stand up to them. Unfortunately, many bullies I've met have been bosses and that is a bit trickier situation, especially while I was in the military or in jobs associated with the military. Mostly we just all listened to their huffing and puffing and went about our business. Most of the times it wasn't personally directed but more general abuse to everyone in the room. In the military, I was sort of used to it.
The last time I stood up to a bully, it probably cost me my job in the civilian world. We had a top executive in our company who was absolutely hideous to people. His behavior was legendary. I was always polite and respectful but didn't grovel like so many others did. On visits to my facility, this guy would take it out on me, quite badly where my peers would tell me that he really had it out for me. I didn't let it phase me and that irritated him. He got me back by giving my direct boss some really negative feedback after a visit. When I asked for specifics, the weasel "couldn't remember." For the first time in my life, I contacted HR. Their response...."Oh Mr. S. has had so many complaints against him in the past it doesn't surprise us." This was a guy who had to attend sensitivity training for past incidents which were numerous. He ended up getting transferred as sort of a demotion years later however I had long since resigned from the job to stay home with my kids. Best decision of my life.
Not slow, at the time I was trying to make ends meet with a soon to be ex-husband who wasn't contributing to household expenses, having a hard time at home unable to lose my job because I needed to be self supporting. I had worked hard to get the position I had. This woman preys on people who already have life issues and basically wrecks their lives.
I'm so glad I got out when I did, and no shes not an achiever shes lazy and manages to blame anyone and everyone else when confronted with her lack of work.
The store I was working at was undergoing a renovation when I joined, she was in charge of part of the renovation team, they went through workers like no other department and yet no one questions her, and like I've said before when they do she plays the race card, something thats not uncommon in that particular store and if one gets away with it so will the rest.
When I was in graduate school I had a professor who was quite the bully. He was rude to one student or another in class almost every day. There was no purpose for it other than the glee he got from putting someone down. The day I was his victim I was mortified and sat there and took it. But I stewed about it all night. I probably would not have acted, but the next day he posed a rhetorical question and added, "Do we have anyone with as stupid an answer as the one I got from Ms. J. yesterday?" I just reacted on impulse.
My hand shot up and I didn't wait for him to call on me. I said, "I would like to say something about that incident yesterday. You asked a question and I gave what I believed was a thoughtful answer. If you didn't like my answer, that's fine. You're the teacher; please correct my misunderstanding. That's what I'm here for. But I don't see any reason why you have to make fun of someone who has replied in a way you don't approve of. I don't see anything positive coming out of making a student feel small and stupid. It's one thing to correct someone and it's another thing to humiliate them in front of their fellow students." There was dead silence in the room.
He took the usual bully approach and mumbled sarcastically he was "sorry if I was offended." Not sorry, period. Just "IF" I was offended, as if that was my fault. I replied, "I didn't ask for an apology. Let's move on."
He continued with the class. He never referred to the incident again but he also never bullied anyone in that class again. Not a single time. Although the other students remained silent while I spoke, many of them approached me later and thanked me for what I said. Most said they noticed he was behaving much differently. And the biggest surprise: I got an A at the end of the semester.
My take away from this is to confront a bully in front of other people. Had I gone to that teacher's office and spoken to him in private I think he would have used the opportunity to continue lording his power over me. But he didn't have enough nerve to do that in front of other people he knew he had also treated badly. I spoke directly about a specific incident that had just occurred, so he couldn't deny it. I don't think it's helpful to catalog complaints or to speak generally about someone's "attitude." I think my ploy worked because it was short and to the point. I told him what he did and how I felt. Also, I gave him a way to save face by ending with, "Let's move on."
It doesn't matter if a bully has done a mean thing once or a hundred times. You have the right to call out the behavior and say publicly that it's wrong. I'd suggest having witnesses when you speak. And be careful — I don't think my bully was dangerous, just a person with self-esteem issues who was building up his ego at the expense of others. But some bullies are violent and can react with physical confrontation. Set your cell phone on "record."
An adult bully knows that a perosn msot likely is not going to violate the law in order to fend off a bully attack; so a bully basically feels free to harrass someone knowing they will never get hit or anything.
When I was in the Navy, there was plenty of bullying among the new enlisted as they kept their same high school ways coming into the military, and the same cliques formed as in high school. Difference is they can hide behind the uniform knowing that a target of their bullying will not do anything to risk getting in trouble, they seek out the socially weak to target.
I witnessed to counter attacks to a bully; in boot camp, the victim just smacked the heck out of the bully, the bully stunned, and the victim stating he does not care if he gets kicked out, but will do all he can to make sure you (the bully) also does; the bully and his clique never messed with the guy after.
In a school going to shore duty, there was this more senior guy (class leader coming back into the Navy)) riding the rear of some guy that was going to shore duty. One day in the hallway I heard the guy take the class leader aside and state something like "if we get in trouble, I will just go back to the fleet, but you might be booted from the Navy as you are just coming in, do not talk to me again". Of course it was much harsher and more cuss words thrown in.
Well yeah dealing with bullies in your personal life is much different and easier to take a stand to do...because the stakes are not so high...as in losing your livelihood if you were to do so at work.
I've met so many bullies in my life that it doesn't phase me. If the bully is a peer or stranger, I would certainly stand up to them. Unfortunately, many bullies I've met have been bosses and that is a bit trickier situation, especially while I was in the military or in jobs associated with the military ...
I think you are correct in observing that people with serious behavior issues seek out positions of authority in which they can indulge their need to bully others. That's why teenagers and young adults need to learn to deal effectively with their peer bullies. So those people get put in their place a few times before they become business managers and military leaders. Sometimes people need to be TAUGHT empathy; it doesn't come naturally to them.
Exactly. As an adult, it should be part of your grownup arsenal to be able to act with dignity and conviction. If you can't, those are skills you should actively be working on. Stop being a victim because you have not yet developed essential adult social skills. You will not get ahead in life, work or relationships if you can't speak up for yourself.
As an adult, one should learn that a position of power is not an excuse to belittle and disrespect those of lower rank in the first place and that you have a responsibility to your subordinates as well as the responsibility they have to you. It's good to know that society is putting the focus on the bully's behavior in these situations rather then the people they harass.
Boundaries. Tell them that kind of behavior is unacceptable, particularly from coworkers and do not tolerate it. If there is a chain of command, utilize it. With step children, where is your spouse?
Play around with ideas until you find one that works.
I was talking to my oldest son a few years ago, we were discussing things I had been through in my life, people I had dealt with...for the longest time I couldn't figure out why some people behaved as they did. Mean, callous, cold hearted, bullies, and looking back on it all...I wonder if some of them could not have actually been true sociopaths.
My son said to me, "Mom, you know what your problem is, you think everybody is playing fair just because you are...Mom, these people in this world ain't playing fair."
When he said that to me, I had that proverbial LIGHT BULB MOMENT! He was absolutely right, all of my life I was playing fair, when so many others were not only not playing fair, they had thrown the rules out all together...That is how an adult gets bullied...blindsided...they never even saw the destruction coming at them.
But that was then...I still play fair, but I don't expect other people to do so...I just quite literally ignore them. Their ranting and raving, cussing and arguing, belittling and insulting, their misery and disdain...I don't even take them seriously anymore, I know where they are coming from...Now.
I used to work with a lady who LOVED to argue...the type of person who would tell you the sky is made of green pixie dust just so you would disagree!!! Argument would immediately ensue!!!
So I said nothing...didn't even bother to look up when she spoke...first few times, she kept arguing her point (To Herself)...Then she started talking about me to other co-workers...I said nothing...Then she started referring to me (Not Directly) as "IT"...I ignored her still...I was mocked for my faith in Christ-For being a Christian,
I was laughed at and ridiculed for not going to company beer bashes, I was ridiculed and teased, even taunted with pizza for being a vegan, the woman actually ate pizza while starring at me...all the while moaning how good it was...I just looked at her...incredulous!!! Thinking, is she really trying to tempt me with pizza!!!!!!
RIDICULOUS...but still I ignored her...Eventually, I became not worth her time...since I gave her no fuel for her fire...She gave up trying to get under my skin...That lady was never worth my attention so I didn't give it to her.
She faded away...that was just about two years ago...and honestly I had to really think hard to remember her name just now.
But let me also add, that since I became a Christian, I have become a part of the most amazing family, the most beautiful people I have ever met in my life...and the love that they put on me, the Christ in their lives...they give me the best part of themselves.
And once you have had the best that there is...well, nothing else will do.
Makes ignoring the rest pretty much second nature.
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