Dealing With Bullies As An Adult (spouse, children, senior, house)
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I assume these employees are also high performers or they wouldn't stick around.
I can tell you that was not the case in my bully because she was a close personal friend of the boss is why she stuck around and she knew she could not pull that crap in any other place so she stayed put . BTW she is still there because I am still friends with a girl who works there and they have had 4 more receptionists since i left so you tell me ....Just so we are clear that is 8 receptionist in 6 yrs way too many in my opinion to not be questioned . The office manager was scared of her so she was worthless to report too .
Incorrect and inappropriate judgment, people that allow themselves to be bullied have a few things going on.
Often, they are like deer in headlights...esp when they are triggered into the pain
their wounded inner child is re-experiencing.
Often, they have not been taught how to stand up to someone obviously meaner
thus, seemingly more powerful than them with the proven nature and intent to hurt
them again and again...and in front of others.
Often, esp in women they are taught to be "a nice little girl, don't rock the boat'.
If they should stand up to someone they be labeled a b*tch. When really they are
a sweet and gentle kind soul.
Often, those bullied are so dumbstuck that there are people like this...
they really don't know WHAT to do...their job may be in jeopardy.
Often, they are such kind people they don't believe in hurting another as they have been hurt.
Often, they have the insight that the bully is made of cracked glass and any confrontation will
shatter them MORE psychologically...and they don't want to take on that responsibility.
Often the bullied understands the Nature of the Universe....what goes around comes around.
Soooo, just sit back and watch the mighty tumble.
How do you deal with a bully as an adult. I have a few - step child, coworker, sibling? Other than complete avoidance, how do you keep such an individual from bullying or attempting to bully you?
They look for weakness...don't show any. The main thing is to stand up for yourself.
Incorrect and inappropriate judgment, people that allow themselves to be bullied have a few things going on.
Often, they are like deer in headlights...esp when they are triggered into the pain
their wounded inner child is re-experiencing.
Often, they have not been taught how to stand up to someone obviously meaner
thus, seemingly more powerful than them with the proven nature and intent to hurt
them again and again...and in front of others.
Often, esp in women they are taught to be "a nice little girl, don't rock the boat'.
If they should stand up to someone they be labeled a b*tch. When really they are
a sweet and gentle kind soul.
Often, those bullied are so dumbstuck that there are people like this...
they really don't know WHAT to do...their job may be in jeopardy.
Often, they are such kind people they don't believe in hurting another as they have been hurt.
Often, they have the insight that the bully is made of cracked glass and any confrontation will
shatter them MORE psychologically...and they don't want to take on that responsibility.
Often the bullied understands the Nature of the Universe....what goes around comes around.
Soooo, just sit back and watch the mighty tumble.
So I believe this shows who exactly is slow here
I was talking to my oldest son a few years ago, we were discussing things I had been through in my life, people I had dealt with...for the longest time I couldn't figure out why some people behaved as they did. Mean, callous, cold hearted, bullies, and looking back on it all...I wonder if some of them could not have actually been true sociopaths.
My son said to me, "Mom, you know what your problem is, you think everybody is playing fair just because you are...Mom, these people in this world ain't playing fair."
When he said that to me, I had that proverbial LIGHT BULB MOMENT! He was absolutely right, all of my life I was playing fair, when so many others were not only not playing fair, they had thrown the rules out all together...That is how an adult gets bullied...blindsided...they never even saw the destruction coming at them.
But that was then...I still play fair, but I don't expect other people to do so...I just quite literally ignore them. Their ranting and raving, cussing and arguing, belittling and insulting, their misery and disdain...I don't even take them seriously anymore, I know where they are coming from...Now.
I used to work with a lady who LOVED to argue...the type of person who would tell you the sky is made of green pixie dust just so you would disagree!!! Argument would immediately ensue!!!
So I said nothing...didn't even bother to look up when she spoke...first few times, she kept arguing her point (To Herself)...Then she started talking about me to other co-workers...I said nothing...Then she started referring to me (Not Directly) as "IT"...I ignored her still...I was mocked for my faith in Christ-For being a Christian,
I was laughed at and ridiculed for not going to company beer bashes, I was ridiculed and teased, even taunted with pizza for being a vegan, the woman actually ate pizza while starring at me...all the while moaning how good it was...I just looked at her...incredulous!!! Thinking, is she really trying to tempt me with pizza!!!!!!
RIDICULOUS...but still I ignored her...Eventually, I became not worth her time...since I gave her no fuel for her fire...She gave up trying to get under my skin...That lady was never worth my attention so I didn't give it to her.
She faded away...that was just about two years ago...and honestly I had to really think hard to remember her name just now.
But let me also add, that since I became a Christian, I have become a part of the most amazing family, the most beautiful people I have ever met in my life...and the love that they put on me, the Christ in their lives...they give me the best part of themselves.
And once you have had the best that there is...well, nothing else will do.
Makes ignoring the rest pretty much second nature.
I also remember working in an office in dowtown
Boston in the 70s...vegetarian, non drinker, religious...
GOD! Was I shunned....finally a guy leans on my desk and said,
You know what the problem is...you're happy...people
don't like that.
The best way to deal with a bully is to kick their ass. Once that has been accomplished, it would be a safe bet the bully will have learned their lesson. They will either slink off into anonymity or look for a different victim. If they look for another target, kick their ass again until they don't do it anymore.
When I was in graduate school I had a professor who was quite the bully. He was rude to one student or another in class almost every day. There was no purpose for it other than the glee he got from putting someone down. The day I was his victim I was mortified and sat there and took it. But I stewed about it all night. I probably would not have acted, but the next day he posed a rhetorical question and added, "Do we have anyone with as stupid an answer as the one I got from Ms. J. yesterday?" I just reacted on impulse.
My hand shot up and I didn't wait for him to call on me. I said, "I would like to say something about that incident yesterday. You asked a question and I gave what I believed was a thoughtful answer. If you didn't like my answer, that's fine. You're the teacher; please correct my misunderstanding. That's what I'm here for. But I don't see any reason why you have to make fun of someone who has replied in a way you don't approve of. I don't see anything positive coming out of making a student feel small and stupid. It's one thing to correct someone and it's another thing to humiliate them in front of their fellow students." There was dead silence in the room.
He took the usual bully approach and mumbled sarcastically he was "sorry if I was offended." Not sorry, period. Just "IF" I was offended, as if that was my fault. I replied, "I didn't ask for an apology. Let's move on."
He continued with the class. He never referred to the incident again but he also never bullied anyone in that class again. Not a single time. Although the other students remained silent while I spoke, many of them approached me later and thanked me for what I said. Most said they noticed he was behaving much differently. And the biggest surprise: I got an A at the end of the semester.
My take away from this is to confront a bully in front of other people. Had I gone to that teacher's office and spoken to him in private I think he would have used the opportunity to continue lording his power over me. But he didn't have enough nerve to do that in front of other people he knew he had also treated badly. I spoke directly about a specific incident that had just occurred, so he couldn't deny it. I don't think it's helpful to catalog complaints or to speak generally about someone's "attitude." I think my ploy worked because it was short and to the point. I told him what he did and how I felt. Also, I gave him a way to save face by ending with, "Let's move on."
It doesn't matter if a bully has done a mean thing once or a hundred times. You have the right to call out the behavior and say publicly that it's wrong. I'd suggest having witnesses when you speak. And be careful — I don't think my bully was dangerous, just a person with self-esteem issues who was building up his ego at the expense of others. But some bullies are violent and can react with physical confrontation. Set your cell phone on "record."
When I was in graduate school I had a professor who was quite the bully. He was rude to one student or another in class almost every day. There was no purpose for it other than the glee he got from putting someone down. The day I was his victim I was mortified and sat there and took it. But I stewed about it all night. I probably would not have acted, but the next day he posed a rhetorical question and added, "Do we have anyone with as stupid an answer as the one I got from Ms. J. yesterday?" I just reacted on impulse.
My hand shot up and I didn't wait for him to call on me. I said, "I would like to say something about that incident yesterday. You asked a question and I gave what I believed was a thoughtful answer. If you didn't like my answer, that's fine. You're the teacher; please correct my misunderstanding. That's what I'm here for. But I don't see any reason why you have to make fun of someone who has replied in a way you don't approve of. I don't see anything positive coming out of making a student feel small and stupid. It's one thing to correct someone and it's another thing to humiliate them in front of their fellow students." There was dead silence in the room.
He took the usual bully approach and mumbled sarcastically he was "sorry if I was offended." Not sorry, period. Just "IF" I was offended, as if that was my fault. I replied, "I didn't ask for an apology. Let's move on."
He continued with the class. He never referred to the incident again but he also never bullied anyone in that class again. Not a single time. Although the other students remained silent while I spoke, many of them approached me later and thanked me for what I said. Most said they noticed he was behaving much differently. And the biggest surprise: I got an A at the end of the semester.
My take away from this is to confront a bully in front of other people. Had I gone to that teacher's office and spoken to him in private I think he would have used the opportunity to continue lording his power over me. But he didn't have enough nerve to do that in front of other people he knew he had also treated badly. I spoke directly about a specific incident that had just occurred, so he couldn't deny it. I don't think it's helpful to catalog complaints or to speak generally about someone's "attitude." I think my ploy worked because it was short and to the point. I told him what he did and how I felt. Also, I gave him a way to save face by ending with, "Let's move on."
It doesn't matter if a bully has done a mean thing once or a hundred times. You have the right to call out the behavior and say publicly that it's wrong. I'd suggest having witnesses when you speak. And be careful — I don't think my bully was dangerous, just a person with self-esteem issues who was building up his ego at the expense of others. But some bullies are violent and can react with physical confrontation. Set your cell phone on "record."
Exactly. As an adult, it should be part of your grownup arsenal to be able to act with dignity and conviction. If you can't, those are skills you should actively be working on. Stop being a victim because you have not yet developed essential adult social skills. You will not get ahead in life, work or relationships if you can't speak up for yourself.
I don't know. I've been bullied by family members and co-workers. The result of me finally standing up for myself against one of the family members ended with me getting attacked. I filed an order of protection. For whatever reason I just rubbed people the wrong way and attract people who want to hurt or control me.
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