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Consider a couple of things.
You have let things get to the boiling point rather than make things clear to begin with.
Even though your GF's approach did not do anything to correct the situation(s) you continued to do it that way.
Now, you don't want to face , I would think, some months of hellish living until the end of the year so step back, realize that you also contributed to the problem, calm down and start doing things the way you should have to begin with, once you saw that GF's way wasn't working.
Speak up ,but simmer down and be specific.
If she wants the car, for instance, just say OK, but stop and fill it up(or put $10 worth or gas in, or whatever)
If the TV is too loud, say so.I ask my husband to turn the TV down frequently, when I come to sit in the same room. It doesn't cause any wars.
I'm in no way denying that it isn't my fault. I handled it wrong because I assumed that since she has lived with people before that she would respect appropriate noise levels and common courtesy (replacing what you use etc). As the months have gone on, I realize just how different our expectations are and how it is impossible for us to continue living together. I have also realized what I will tolerate and what I will not. I don't want to let out my car anymore on principle and I will not tolerate cooking at 6am on the weekends and the loud TV when I get home.
I just feel that I can't just start nagging on everything - the fridge, the dishes etc. And the thing is that I don't want to nag. I want to somehow relay the message to her of what is respectful and what is bothersome, not bring up every individual issue. I'm just afraid certain people can't be taught and this frustrates me. How do you not even say thank you for someone inviting you to the beach where you claim you've been dying to go, driving you there and spending as much time as you needed there.
That is exactly what I'm trying to do. The thing is that as the stuff piles up,EVERYTHING annoys me now. The cooking fried pork fat at 6am on Sunday morning is definitely something I can't live with, as is the loud TV when I get home from work. I've been sending my GF in there to tell her to turn it down, next time I'm going to have to make the point that the loud TV is really disturbing after a 10hour work day EVERYDAY, not just on the days that we tell her to turn it down. I'm so tempted to go out and pull the fuse out of the damn TV so it doesn't work. However, it did only cost me $20, so she could probably afford a new one, so that won't work
I did address the issue of her not wanting to move out with my GF. My GF understands that the way things are I am not happy and the whole situation is not working out. It has already been made clear to her that backing out is not an option, moving to her own place is just something that will have to happen.
Let's look at one problem at a time.
Is is possible that she has a slight hearing loss and that is why the TV is so loud? It won't make it softer but it may be a reason for the loud noise.
Maybe use an inexpensive alarm clock that everyday at 8 PM will ring to remind her to turn down the TV before you get home from work.
Perhaps you can buy some inexpensive felt, wall hangings or used rugs from Goodwill and hang them on her bedroom walls to muffle the sound. I don't have personal knowledge about that but I've heard that others have tried it and it works. I believe that it works best if you hang them from the ceiling about an inch from the wall. Also, additional soft objects like pillows & stuffed animals in the room will also make the TV sound softer (as the noise isn't just bouncing off and through the hard walls).
Maybe she can listen to the TV with headphones or you can listen to quiet music on headphones.
Use a white noise or sound machine (or run a fan) between where the TV is located and your ears. This will also muffle the sound and many people find the white noise to be soothing.
If nothing works maybe you will have to keep ear plugs by the bed if she is too noisy at night or in the early AM. This would be the last resort but it would be better than throwing her out the window.
Good luck to you.
P.S. I can see why she had difficulties in her previous housing situations.
I'm in no way denying that it isn't my fault. I handled it wrong because I assumed that since she has lived with people before that she would respect appropriate noise levels and common courtesy (replacing what you use etc). As the months have gone on, I realize just how different our expectations are and how it is impossible for us to continue living together. I have also realized what I will tolerate and what I will not. I don't want to let out my car anymore on principle and I will not tolerate cooking at 6am on the weekends and the loud TV when I get home.
I just feel that I can't just start nagging on everything - the fridge, the dishes etc. And the thing is that I don't want to nag. I want to somehow relay the message to her of what is respectful and what is bothersome, not bring up every individual issue. I'm just afraid certain people can't be taught and this frustrates me. How do you not even say thank you for someone inviting you to the beach where you claim you've been dying to go, driving you there and spending as much time as you needed there.
Of course, most people would say Thank You.
Is it possible that she doesn't say Thank You because she considers you a daughter? (which probably would be a good thing). I have heard that some families don't say thank you to their own family members for favors and extra things. Does your GF say Thank You to others but not as often to you for special things?
I'm in no way denying that it isn't my fault. I handled it wrong because I assumed that since she has lived with people before that she would respect appropriate noise levels and common courtesy (replacing what you use etc). As the months have gone on, I realize just how different our expectations are and how it is impossible for us to continue living together. I have also realized what I will tolerate and what I will not. I don't want to let out my car anymore on principle and I will not tolerate cooking at 6am on the weekends and the loud TV when I get home.
I just feel that I can't just start nagging on everything - the fridge, the dishes etc. And the thing is that I don't want to nag. I want to somehow relay the message to her of what is respectful and what is bothersome, not bring up every individual issue. I'm just afraid certain people can't be taught and this frustrates me. How do you not even say thank you for someone inviting you to the beach where you claim you've been dying to go, driving you there and spending as much time as you needed there.
Remember an important thing....you cannot change another person.You can only change yourself.(the way you react to them)
Forget about teaching her and don't nag.....simply state your wishes/demands/decisions in a polite but firm way.
If it has to be done about each issue, so be it. But it need only be done once, including if need be, the consequences....for instance..."Yes you may take the car but if you do not fill it up, it will be the last time."
I have never lived with a roommate. It must be awful.
I'd rather be homeless.
Haha, yes, I've now learned my final lesson.
If it ever arises that someone else has to live with me, they are coming to live in my house and there will be rules laid out upfront. I hope I'm never in a reverse situation. Live and learn I suppose.
If it ever arises that someone else has to live with me, they are coming to live in my house and there will be rules laid out upfront. I hope I'm never in a reverse situation. Live and learn I suppose.
That's an interesting thing...I've been in a position in my life where I HAD to live with someone or else I would've been homeless...it was a terrible time in me and my husband's life. And forget the fact that we have two cats...really, no one wants to help anyone out with pets or kids. It's weird.
Anyway, we ended up living with our friends for six weeks, during which time, I found a job and got an apartment and got the heck OUT!! But here is what is important...you realize how to tone down all your "bug-a-boos" because you need to keep at the forefront of your mind (at all times) how fortunate you are to have someone so gracious as to allow your family into their home.
And this is why your GF's mom is so dang irritating...she has NO perspective on what it would be like WITHOUT YOU. Cheese and rice. Did I like when my host turned up his TV at midnight or one? Nope, but I shut up about it. Did I like when he made a ridiculous comment that was personally insulting? Nope, but I just smiled. I could name a dozen things that I stuffed down because my host was extremely generous in opening up his home.
So, this is a little in reverse...I'm a WAY better guest in someone's home than your MIL but the principals remain. You are there at their grace so you accommodate them. I washed ALL their dishes, made most of their meals, vacuumed, tidied, did grocery shopping, canned my crappy attitude (depression is a real PITA but you can't be selfish)...all this because it was important not to be a burden.
Kate, you're too good and mama will never quite understand how truly lucky she is. Sad, really.
That's an interesting thing...I've been in a position in my life where I HAD to live with someone or else I would've been homeless...it was a terrible time in me and my husband's life. And forget the fact that we have two cats...really, no one wants to help anyone out with pets or kids. It's weird.
Anyway, we ended up living with our friends for six weeks, during which time, I found a job and got an apartment and got the heck OUT!! But here is what is important...you realize how to tone down all your "bug-a-boos" because you need to keep at the forefront of your mind (at all times) how fortunate you are to have someone so gracious as to allow your family into their home.
And this is why your GF's mom is so dang irritating...she has NO perspective on what it would be like WITHOUT YOU. Cheese and rice. Did I like when my host turned up his TV at midnight or one? Nope, but I shut up about it. Did I like when he made a ridiculous comment that was personally insulting? Nope, but I just smiled. I could name a dozen things that I stuffed down because my host was extremely generous in opening up his home.
So, this is a little in reverse...I'm a WAY better guest in someone's home than your MIL but the principals remain. You are there at their grace so you accommodate them. I washed ALL their dishes, made most of their meals, vacuumed, tidied, did grocery shopping, canned my crappy attitude (depression is a real PITA but you can't be selfish)...all this because it was important not to be a burden.
Kate, you're too good and mama will never quite understand how truly lucky she is. Sad, really.
It is weird and something I noticed only recently, she doesn't seem to have appreciation for anything. We moved her down from the cold and the snow, into a spacious apartment, complex is brand new with a pool, gym etc, she has use of a car that she doesn't pay for and all the free time in the world, yet she complains about it not being hot enough to go to the pool (mind you it's like 100 everyday), or that she wants to go to the beach but doesn't know how to drive there (eventhough she has a GPS, although I know this is a gas money issue), that she wants to go to NY to visit family etc etc. She has an old neighbor of hers call her up the other day, offered her a place to stay (its on the coast) in exchange for some house duties...she went on and on about how much nicer it would be but how she is "stuck" with us. She is so loud on the phone that I hear all of her conversations and she's so two faced, she will tell my GF that she loves it here, then turn around to whoever she's talking on the phone too and be like "ah it's OK, this is a problem, that is an issue, I wanna be back in NY." I'm like WTF.
We were trying to do her a favor, because in CT she was paying $600 for rent plus bills, plus the snow and the piece of junk car. With us she pays $500 for everything and gets much more than CT and has about $250 extra to pay down her bills, which was the idea. I hate unappreciative people and do everything to avoid dealing with them, but find myself stuck in this situation. No matter what I do, something is wrong.
And I hate the sneaky-ness. Mondays and Wednesdays my GF works nights and she has church. So I would get home and she would be like "you're not going out right?" and I would say no...already knowing she wants the car to go to church..."ok then I'm going to borrow your car." I hate that! Why can't she say, "can I borrow the car?" Just because I'm not going out doesn't mean you can borrow the car. It just seems sneaky to me. My GF says she doesn't mean anything by it it's just how she talks...I think she's being sneaky, because she's not directly asking to borrow the car.
She IS being indirect because NO ONE has ever said anything to her...so now, they say "that's just how she talks". Your GF doesn't have the right perspective, IMO. She's never not been around her mom so good behavior is a mystery to her. If she responded with "Ok, then I'm going to borrow your car"...you can be sure I would say "No, you're not". And what can she do about it? Complain to her daughter? Maybe if she makes your GF miserable enough, they will all be on the same level of where they put you.
I'm complainin' with ya! No worries...sometimes it helps to get it out here...
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