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I've been on a journey for thirty years yes--- thirty, trying to uncover the component in my psychological make-up that knocks me to my knees, holds me there until I can't think straight and then, when my mind takes over, belittling me into such a corner of self hate that I pray for death.
And only recently, it was given a name.
Shame.
And for me, it is the pilot of depression, the quarterback in the game of life, the friend that mocks you, the empty social calendar that screams at you each weekend. It controls my mouth as "stupid falls out", and my lip begins to quiver and my face turns red and blotchy. And when I try valiantly to string a sentence together, it screams into my brain, "You're ignorant, stupid, pitiful, just shut your mouth before they laugh in your face...." And I withdrawal. Again and again and again.....
Because I believe Shame...
And I retreat into myself so deeply to escape it's constant ridicule that life has become a shell and I wonder if it's worth living anymore.
Then shame tells me, "You can't die; no one would even come to your funeral you pitiful loser....." And I think how embarrassed my husband and kids would be if the person they knew who tried to appear so strong and special was liked by no one....
Talk about a classic paradoxical dilemma: too pathetic to live; too pathetic to die.....
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 02-25-2013 at 04:46 AM..
To me....it sounds like you're suffering from depression. Why are you feeling so ashamed? If you're not happy with past choices, move forward. Don't live in the past. Everyone makes mistakes. The key to getting past it is to move on, consciously making the decision to not repeat those mistakes. You're here....sharing, and that can be a huge step forward in moving on.
Again, do not trap yourself in the past, reliving old mistakes. Also, don't look to others for their approval. If you're not happy with yourself, that's all that counts, and you're the only one who can do anything about it.
The truth is....very few people would be deeply affected by ANY of us passing from this earth, not for long anyway. Knowing that, do what you can to make YOU happy with YOU. Bless you...I hope you find the strength to step out of the pit that you're finding yourself in.
If you could turn your attitude around by just wishing, you would have already. Please seek the help of a good psychiatrist. Ask your family doctor to help you find one. I doubt if shame is the cause of your anguish. If you could have done better, you would have done better. Most likely you have a mental illness which causes your thoughts to stagnate in a bad place.
You owe it to yourself and your family to try to fix yourself. Yesterday is OVER, and today is all we have, so pick up the phone and take the first step to a healthy attitude.
I'm pulling for you.
Where does my shame come from? A childhood overshadowed by dysfunction so deep, I'm the "healthiest" of a family of ten! Scary huh? My siblings live lives of desperation, victims of drug and alcohol abuse and failed relationships and anti social interactions. Not one reached the lowest rung of societal success.
Me? I've been married for 34 years, raised four functioning college graduate children, and from outward appearances to most, I'm a bit of an oddity but functioning.
That's where the irony lies. Why do I hate myself so? It's the shame of childhood that locked on to my self esteem and gnawed it to shreds. As a little girl amongst 8 older brothers and a narcissistic mother and a father who buried himself in his job, I was the play toy of torture. I was ugly and smelly and stupid and a scaredy cat and a sex toy. I have foggy memories of hiding deep in a closet, behind a couch, crying in the night and trying so hard to stay awake, my eyes burned......
What frightened me so?
I fought back. But unbeknownst to me, the shame had a hold on me for life.....
I am in therapy and trying so hard to change my outlook.
But my self hate is embedded in my DNA; extraction is not easy.
Zinnia...you SURVIVED! In many ways, your childhood sounds like mine...I kid you not. Most of my life, I felt like there had to have been an accidental mixup at the hospital. There is no WAY that I could have come from these people!! LOL Somewhere in your gene pool, there had to have been a sensible, good, strong person. You just happened to have the right genes turned on and remember, you ARE a survivor. Please try to remember that everything you went through, you went through for a reason. I'll just bet that you were an amazing, protective parent....because of what happened to you in your childhood! Your children benefitted from your childhood.
Let's face it, I know that MY kids were blessed to have been born to a mother who suffered, as the youngest of nine children....many of them absolute "monsters". Also, because of my childhood, I was not afraid, not in the least, to leave the nest. What could anyone out in the world do to me, that hadn't happened to me at home!? ((((hugs)))) Hang in there and rejoice in the fact that you did not end up like your siblings...rejoice in the fact that they also served as perfect examples of what NOT to do and who NOT to be!! <3
Protective parent? I was supermom: I did everything and anything for my kids. I wore dirty clothes when no clean ones were available so my kids always had washed and folded and ironed clothes. I had no privacy so my kids learned early on, respect for others. No one cared that I was scared or hurt or sad so I analyzed my kids if they even spouted a word of discontent and made sure they knew I was there for them. I had birthday parties and sleep overs and made sure their friends were welcomed at our house anytime.
I only had one birthday party with friends over in my childhood and a brother was on a drug induced rampage in the house so we sat in the lawn and did nothing. Im sure my guests still wonder about that strange girl and the worst party they ever went to......
I told my kids from day one that learning was their key to productive lives and they would not slip through the cracks.
School for me was a place that was a break from the family "treehouse of horror" and doing the schoolwork was secondary. I was a mediocre student at best.
They all went to college, 3 graduated and have jobs in the medical, financial, managerial world and the youngest is studying engineering.
And most importantly, for me anyways, was I told them when they were younger that they will always be each others first and best friend.
And they are til this day.
My siblings are jealous and spiteful and nasty and uncaring for each other....
But what would you expect when we were raised in a septic environment such as ours? We are all simply products of our upbringing.
My husband and I werent perfect. But I've learned along the way, if you have love, all else falls into place......
You did good, Zinnia. Pat yourself on the back and tell yourself, "I am an overcomer and survived wonderfully, in spite of my family." Don't go there Zinnia. Get out of that place, don't dwell on things you could not and can not change. Know that there are others like you out there and many who had it much worse than you and I did. You made it. By the grace of God....they couldn't destroy you or bring you down to their level....and they STILL don't have that power. You are the only one who can do that. Stay strong. Your kids need that wonderful mother...to be a wonderful grandmother to THEIR children. Something they didn't have in YOUR parents.
Zinnia I'm reading a good dose of healthy pride in your words so I know you'll be fine. I think you're taking on the shame for your past family b/c maybe that nest is feeling too empty and now you have time to think. Have you got a job or were you a SAHM for too long?
Anyone who has been married for 34 years and raised 4 healthy and successful children who are still speaking to them most of the time is successful by most anyone's standards. So don't worry if you're too pathetic to die--we'll all do that soon enough anyway, but I have this superstition: it's that if we kill ourselves we'll have to come and do it all again. So hang in there--you've got your family this far, what's a little more? And if you don't have a job already, substitute teaching is kind of fun. In a sick kind of way.
Zinnia I'm reading a good dose of healthy pride in your words so I know you'll be fine. I think you're taking on the shame for your past family b/c maybe that nest is feeling too empty and now you have time to think. Have you got a job or are you a SAHM?
Anyone who has been married for 34 years and raised 4 healthy and successful children who are still speaking to them most of the time is successful by most anyone's standards. So don't worry if you're too pathetic to die--we'll all do that soon enough anyway, but I have this superstition: it's that if we kill ourselves we'll have to come and do it all again. So hang in there--you've got your (good) family this far, what's a little more? And if you don't have a job already, substitute teaching is kind of fun. In a sick kind of way.
Zinnia I'm reading a good dose of healthy pride in your words so I know you'll be fine. I think you're taking on the shame for your past family b/c maybe that nest is feeling too empty and now you have time to think. Have you got a job or are you a SAHM?
Anyone who has been married for 34 years and raised 4 healthy and successful children who are still speaking to them most of the time is successful by most anyone's standards. So don't worry if you're too pathetic to die--we'll all do that soon enough anyway, but I have this superstition: it's that if we kill ourselves we'll have to come and do it all again. So hang in there--you've got your (good) family this far, what's a little more? And if you don't have a job already, substitute teaching is kind of fun. In a sick kind of way.
Thanks Stepka! You made me laugh.....
Yes, I am an almost empty nester (youngest is a college sophomore) and yes I have a job as a teaching assistant which lands me somewhere between a gopher and foot soldier
Back to my youngest though. It's his break up with a long term gf from high school recently for the second and most likely the final time since they both left for college that triggered my latest pity party for one I. I often become paralyzed with fear when my kids display behaviors that resemble my unhealthy siblings, especially my boys because in my birth family, lack of healthy, lasting female relationships in adulthood from brothers to cousins to nephews runs rampant. Not sure why, but I see a pattern and it's disconcerting at best for me...call it the "Mother Dearest/Pyscho Syndrome if you will. (I'm hoping you're old enough to get my movie references!). (; (;
So although no one would expect a relationship from freshmen year in hs to last through college, when she broke up with him, my insecurities in that part of my mothering blew up to irrational proportions...and I sunk. Even my dear husband looked at me, stunned, and told me you couldn't believe how I spun a story of how bad my poor sons's life would be forever and ever due to this!
Plus, he's my little boy and my heart broke a little too
But life goes on....
Thank you for your kind words. Funny how we go tunnel vision and see only bad at our low times. I am proud of my family and dam-nit, it was not easy!!!!!
Breaking bad family traits is a life long battle for sure....
Peace to you...
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 02-26-2013 at 05:15 AM..
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So hang in there--you've got your family this far, what's a little more? And if you don't have a job already, substitute teaching is kind of fun. In a sick kind of way. 
