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Yes, I am an almost empty nester (youngest is a college sophomore) and yes I have a job as a teaching assistant which lands me somewhere between a gopher and foot soldier
Back to my youngest though. It's his break up with a long term gf from high school recently for the second and most likely the final time since they both left for college that triggered my latest pity party for one I. I often become paralyzed with fear when my kids display behaviors that resemble my unhealthy siblings, especially my boys because in my birth family, lack of healthy, lasting female relationships in adulthood from brothers to cousins to nephews runs rampant. Not sure why, but I see a pattern and it's disconcerting at best for me...call it the "Mother Dearest/Pyscho Syndrome if you will. (I'm hoping you're old enough to get my movie references!). (; (;
So although no one would expect a relationship from freshmen year in hs to last through college, when she broke up with him, my insecurities in that part of my mothering blew up to irrational proportions...and I sunk. Even my dear husband looked at me, stunned, and told me you couldn't believe how I spun a story of how bad my poor sons's life would be forever and ever due to this!
Plus, he's my little boy and my heart broke a little too
But life goes on....
Thank you for your kind words. Funny how we go tunnel vision and see only bad at our low times. I am proud of my family and dam-nit, it was not easy!!!!!
Breaking bad family traits is a life long battle for sure....
Peace to you...
Oh.....LOL, relating like crazy to your situation. Zinnia, take it from someone who's been there...don't insult your children by "assuming" that a couple of life situations, which "resemble" something your totally dysfunctional family members have done, means that they're going to turn into that family member. OMG...been there, done that. I have to pull back my reins EVERY time one of my sons does something that resembles one of their uncles or cousins. Yes....it's traumatic and scary, but you and your hubby raised them right.
Also...LOTS of people have relationships which don't last....not just our family members. (((hugs)))
Oh.....LOL, relating like crazy to your situation. Zinnia, take it from someone who's been there...don't insult your children by "assuming" that a couple of life situations, which "resemble" something your totally dysfunctional family members have done, means that they're going to turn into that family member. OMG...been there, done that. I have to pull back my reins EVERY time one of my sons does something that resembles one of their uncles or cousins. Yes....it's traumatic and scary, but you and your hubby raised them right.
Also...LOTS of people have relationships which don't last....not just our family members. (((hugs)))
Hugs to you, my compadre.....nothing brightens my mood more than hearing from someone who understands how the mind of a survivor of deep dysfunction runs wild sometimes .....
We spent so much time as youngsters challenging and fighting an environment that was so abnormal that now, I question myself at times and it drops me to my knees...your kind words have helped me stand up again....
Are we long lost siblings stolen at birth by the crazies???? I'm so different from my 7 siblings and cousins ( all on my mother's side) I swear I'm not related.....
And I have to ask, how long did you beat your proverbial head against the nearest wall before realizing "hey it's not me!!!!!!!"?
And turn and walk away...... and realize it was either that or your sanity....
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 02-26-2013 at 02:43 PM..
Hugs to you, my compadre.....nothing brightens my mood more than hearing from someone who understands how the mind of a survivor of deep dysfunction runs wild sometimes .....
We spent so much time as youngsters challenging and fighting an environment that was so abnormal that now, I question myself at times and it drops me to my knees...your kind words have helped me stand up again....
Are we long lost siblings stolen at birth by the crazies???? I'm so different from my 7 siblings and cousins ( all on my mother's side) I swear I'm not related.....
And I have to ask, how long did you beat your proverbial head against the nearest wall before realizing "hey it's not me!!!!!!!"?
And turn and walk away...... and realize it was either that or your sanity....
Oh yes...I do understand! It's terrifying, when you KNOW that there's a possibility that your children could possibly turn out like some of the most dysfunctional people you know....your FAMILY!
In my family, there were two of my siblings who didn't simply slide into the completely dysfunctional way of life. Unfortunately, one of them turned out to be an alcoholic (her way of coping) and the other moved far, far away....in order to escape it.
LOL on the long lost siblings.... Yeah, I learned a few good things from my parents, but I learned more "what NOT to do or BE" from them than anything, unfortunately. I escaped at the age of 16, because I KNEW I couldn't live with it anymore. I wanted so badly...to be a good person and had a difficult time pushing my resentment and disgust down, on a daily basis. I spent so much of my childhood, shaking my head in amazement, "OMG...how can you BE like this!? You're so EVIL and corrupt!!"
I too, was SO different from my siblings and parents, that even to this day, I can't believe we're related. I spent years, being hurt, because so many of them (all older) thought I simply had a chip on my shoulder...."thought I was so smart", etc. that I finally just walked away. I'm the "goody two shoes" in the bunch....and I take that as a compliment. Apparently, they resent the fact that they can't use my behavior to feel better about themselves. Not my problem.
Honestly, I've always been very spiritual and it certainly came naturally, because it was not taught to me or modeled for me. I just knew I was different and knew I didn't want to be like them, in order to be accepted by them. Thank God!.....because my life has turned out so incredibly well. It was because of the "walking away, in order to keep my sanity", that my life IS so successful. You can't change the way people are. All we can do is try to be a good example for our children, so that they can see that it IS okay to be good and kind and righteous and then we pray that they will never give up and do it the other way!!
Oh yes...I do understand! It's terrifying, when you KNOW that there's a possibility that your children could possibly turn out like some of the most dysfunctional people you know....your FAMILY!
In my family, there were two of my siblings who didn't simply slide into the completely dysfunctional way of life. Unfortunately, one of them turned out to be an alcoholic (her way of coping) and the other moved far, far away....in order to escape it.
LOL on the long lost siblings.... Yeah, I learned a few good things from my parents, but I learned more "what NOT to do or BE" from them than anything, unfortunately. I escaped at the age of 16, because I KNEW I couldn't live with it anymore. I wanted so badly...to be a good person and had a difficult time pushing my resentment and disgust down, on a daily basis. I spent so much of my childhood, shaking my head in amazement, "OMG...how can you BE like this!? You're so EVIL and corrupt!!"
I too, was SO different from my siblings and parents, that even to this day, I can't believe we're related. I spent years, being hurt, because so many of them (all older) thought I simply had a chip on my shoulder...."thought I was so smart", etc. that I finally just walked away. I'm the "goody two shoes" in the bunch....and I take that as a compliment. Apparently, they resent the fact that they can't use my behavior to feel better about themselves. Not my problem.
Honestly, I've always been very spiritual and it certainly came naturally, because it was not taught to me or modeled for me. I just knew I was different and knew I didn't want to be like them, in order to be accepted by them. Thank God!.....because my life has turned out so incredibly well. It was because of the "walking away, in order to keep my sanity", that my life IS so successful. You can't change the way people are. All we can do is try to be a good example for our children, so that they can see that it IS okay to be good and kind and righteous and then we pray that they will never give up and do it the other way!!
Wow! "Your "chip on your shoulder, thought I was so smart" line is me to a T! As a child, I walked around in my childhood house in a manner akin to a soldier walking about a burned out city, (you'll have to excuse me, I'm an analogy queen) observing the destruction while shaking my head going " What the heck is going on here...."
I made copious amounts of mental notes on how NOT to repeat the melee and devastation that lay
before me. But my observation skills did not ward off the onslaught of emotional abuse and neglect that was tossed my way when I didn't tow the company line. I did develop a thick skin and a personality that smells deceit a mile away and acts accordingly. Alas, this has left me with a "fight or flight" response to life whether warranted or not, so getting close to me is not easy. But once you're in, you're golden!
Today, my own siblings range from addicts (from substances to religion) to deviants to derelicts and then there's me. I do have one brother, closet in age to me, who recognizes the damage done to us all but rolled with the punches more and emotionally retreated when I fought back. His toughness is his protection/survival technique but as adults, we have become each others support group of two! ...
I've lost count of how many times I've been told by therapists and the like who have heard my story in detail that my ability to overcome the obstacles of my childhood fairly intact had to be the result of adult intercession at a young age: an aunt, a teacher, a neighbor. And I always came up empty. I finally accepted the fact that it was guidance from another plane combined with the undeniable fact that doing the complete opposite of what was done to be was met with great success. I wear my well-earned coat of armor emblazoned with the logo: ME, MYSELF AND I.....
And yes, the "goody two shoes" label. That's me although it often became a self-defeating feature of my persona when facing the outside world. Being so tightly wired to accept no behavior that resembled my base camp of Hell left me over compensating when it came to right or wrong....there was no waffling. Another one of my weak spots but as I get older, the edges have softened
Being survivors, our victories are no doubt tempered with a level of melancholy and regret (at least for me) of what could have been.....but, that's assuming our innate ability to rise above adversity would be as fine tuned as it is. No doubt, in the bigger picture of life, we are where we are for a reason. After reflecting on the dysfunction of my extended family, I often refer to myself as the sacrificial generation. By that I mean I was placed in the spot I was in order to redirect my family lineage onto a healthier path. Another reason I take any failings so hard. Today, I can look proudly at my grown kids and breathe a little easier knowing, although they will falter, the foundation of their upbringing is love and acceptance and validation....
And I take great solace in that especially when my mind hits the "self loathing" button and I whirl around in circles, chewing my self esteem to bits
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 02-26-2013 at 10:30 PM..
Zinnia!!! Did you just lock in on where your shame is coming from? In know that I have had occasional bouts of that depression/oppression/shame, due to societal influences, which drum into your head this mantra, "They are your family. You love them for who they are. You accept them for who and WHAT they are and love them, in spite of it all!"
When I was a youth, in school, no one even knew I had siblings. A few knew of the one sibling who was only a couple of years older than me, but knew nothing of the 7 older ones. I never talked about them to anyone. There was nothing to say, that wouldn't be humiliating and embarrassing. As I became an adult, people would ask me about siblings and what they were like. I told them. In many cases, people were shocked and dismayed at the tone and feelings I was emitting, concerning those people. LOL
People who were raised in families such as ours, cannot comprehend the effect that a toxic environment can have on your ability to get close to others. WOW...on your comments concerning being able to smell deceit. Oh man, talk about kindred spirits.
Hey, when you're raised around the best of the best (as in cons and liars)...aka worst of the worst... yes, you develop some pretty good radar and learn to skirt a pretty wide path around people who have those traits. In my world as well...people are treated kindly, but always held at arms length, until enough time has passed and enough interactions have occurred, for me to be sure that you're "not one of them". LOL
Yes...there is good and bad that comes from those toxic family environments. Look at how you were able to protect your children. Look at the things you were able to TEACH your children. Bless you my kindred spirit. Have a beautiful day!
Exactly the same program my therapist spoke to me about recently! I've read a bit and ordered Brene's book titled something like "I'm good enough......"
It's truly eye-opening how childhood shame embeds itself in our psyche.....
Exactly the same program my therapist spoke to me about recently! I've read a bit and ordered Brene's book titled something like "I'm good enough......"
It's truly eye-opening how childhood shame embeds itself in our psyche.....
Thank you....
I'd like to read that too--I loved her talks and she was just so real. I've noticed in my life that there are certain people who a lot of others seem to really care about and I think the difference is that they allow themselves to be more vulnerable than most. I have a friend like that--she drives me crazy and goes on and on about her life and never asks me about mine but people really love her and I do too, lol, and I think it's b/c she's willing to put herself out there and play the fool if she needs to.
I'm not sure if shame does the opposite but I've felt shame for a large portion of life though TG I was only carrying my own and not the rest of the family's as well. But once I found out that ADD was causing a lot of the behaviors that I was so ashamed of, I was able to let go of some of that and I've been much more successful socially than I ever was before. Now sometimes people care about me too. But, I still have spells where nobody likes me and everybody hates me and I'm such a loser and you know the script only better. (worse really)
And what I found is that when you put your story on here, even though I've never met you I really care about how you're doing and I really hope you get this changed into a form you can handle. Though my guess is, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're generally fine and get these attacks periodically when you least expect them like something weird sets them off. Am I right? And with kids the ages of yours, I'm guessing that female hormones are coming into play and things look about as bad as they possibly can at that point. And then you pick yourself up and go, "God that was nuts." And it's fine to say that as long as you don't say, "God, I'm nuts." Because I don't think you are. I'm dating a counselor right now and he calls it the attack of the superego and that sure makes sense--happens to perfectly sane people. It's like you know even while you're doing it that it's not rational but you can't stop till it's over.
And I hope that you've discovered gratitude at that point b/c it sure does help to think, and i mean really think, about all the great things you have in your life--it will balance you off after the attack of the superego and since I've discovered gratitude I'm way happier. I've become a black belt at this--I have found that all those things that I was so ashamed of are actually my greatest blessings! Sounds crazy i know but if I didn't have ADD so bad I'd have a better job and if I had a better job I'd never have been a SAHM or had the crazy idea of taking a RTW trip with my family. Perhaps you can find similar nuggets of gold in your own experiences.
BTW, I'm a TA too. At my age, I may never get that teaching job but I'm actually OK with that b/c I have so many other great things in my life that it's no use being upset about what I don't have and i have super co-workers. Know what else I'm grateful for? The internet!
I'd like to read that too--I loved her talks and she was just so real. I've noticed in my life that there are certain people who a lot of others seem to really care about and I think the difference is that they allow themselves to be more vulnerable than most. I have a friend like that--she drives me crazy and goes on and on about her life and never asks me about mine but people really love her and I do too, lol, and I think it's b/c she's willing to put herself out there and play the fool if she needs to.
I'm not sure if shame does the opposite but I've felt shame for a large portion of life though TG I was only carrying my own and not the rest of the family's as well. But once I found out that ADD was causing a lot of the behaviors that I was so ashamed of, I was able to let go of some of that and I've been much more successful socially than I ever was before. Now sometimes people care about me too. But, I still have spells where nobody likes me and everybody hates me and I'm such a loser and you know the script only better. (worse really)
And what I found is that when you put your story on here, even though I've never met you I really care about how you're doing and I really hope you get this changed into a form you can handle. Though my guess is, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're generally fine and get these attacks periodically when you least expect them like something weird sets them off. Am I right? And with kids the ages of yours, I'm guessing that female hormones are coming into play and things look about as bad as they possibly can at that point. And then you pick yourself up and go, "God that was nuts." And it's fine to say that as long as you don't say, "God, I'm nuts." Because I don't think you are. I'm dating a counselor right now and he calls it the attack of the superego and that sure makes sense--happens to perfectly sane people. It's like you know even while you're doing it that it's not rational but you can't stop till it's over.
And I hope that you've discovered gratitude at that point b/c it sure does help to think, and i mean really think, about all the great things you have in your life--it will balance you off after the attack of the superego and since I've discovered gratitude I'm way happier. I've become a black belt at this--I have found that all those things that I was so ashamed of are actually my greatest blessings! Sounds crazy i know but if I didn't have ADD so bad I'd have a better job and if I had a better job I'd never have been a SAHM or had the crazy idea of taking a RTW trip with my family. Perhaps you can find similar nuggets of gold in your own experiences.
BTW, I'm a TA too. At my age, I may never get that teaching job but I'm actually OK with that b/c I have so many other great things in my life that it's no use being upset about what I don't have and i have super co-workers. Know what else I'm grateful for? The internet!
Yes, I go on long stretches when my mind hums along happily and people seem to like me and my kids are content and the world is a happy place....then**BAM**!!!!!! Something, most often child related, comes up and my mind turns on me, screaming:
Why did you ever THINK you could mother a child much less four! Why did you ever think you could even begin to unwrap the unhealthy inclinations and destructive behavior of your birth family........and who in the H*** do you think you are ms smarty pants....."
I then sink into such a warped sense of self hate it tears me apart. I think of how my kids would be so much better off without me and my husband wouldn't be saddled with an irrational wife.....
And you know what brings me back? A tiny little voice that sits wayyyyyyyyyyyyy in the back of my mind that reminds me: you HAVE done a good job. I think of her as Mini Me: the little girl who went through all that ugliness with such determination and fortitude and stubbornness and perseverance and fight based on a promise to herself that she was going to make a difference in the lives of HER future children.
How dare I let her down!
But I am my harshest critic and stand on guard, just as I did as a little girl, waiting for any sign of weakness within me if you will and I attack. I guess that will always exist to some degree as it was my saving grace growing up. It kept me from falling down a dark hole and never getting out as has happened to my siblings.
Why I came from such dysfunction somewhat intact leaves me both in awe of myself on the good days and feeling guilty on the bad days....
Add to it all that I am at that point in my life when women begin to realign their purpose and I have a whole plate of "FIX-IT" staring me right in the eye.....
I truly appreciate your insight and words....
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 03-01-2013 at 09:18 AM..
And you know what brings me back? A tiny little voice that sits wayyyyyyyyyyyyy in the back of my mind that reminds me: you HAVE done a good job. I think of her as Mini Me: the little girl who went through all that ugliness with such determination and fortitude and stubbornness and perseverance and fight based on a promise to herself that she was going to make a difference in the lives of HER future children.
How dare I let her down!
I truly appreciate your insight and words....
That tiny little voice is your soul. And what a lovely soul she is. I'm so glad you're back as I was getting worried, even though I had the feeling that you were over the attack of the super-ego and will be fine now. And yeah, I'm at that time of my life now too.
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But, I still have spells where nobody likes me and everybody hates me and I'm such a loser and you know the script only better. (worse really)
At my age, I may never get that teaching job but I'm actually OK with that b/c I have so many other great things in my life that it's no use being upset about what I don't have and i have super co-workers. Know what else I'm grateful for? The internet!
