I will begin by stating that I'm a spiritual person, however, I feel like I'm breaking down each and every day due to an ongoing issue that has become larger than life. Around 15 years ago, after I had a thyroidectomy, I began to have major issues with my breath. I was in college at the time and experienced extreme isolation because no one wanted to be around me. I had group projects and such, but people would cover their mouths and avoid me whenever possible.
Throughout my college years, I rarely socialized and I definitely tried to avoid speaking in class because my breath smelled horrible. Although it was difficult, I learned how to survive. I simply used my hand to cover my mouth whenever I spoke, and I made sure that I never got close to another person. I also changed my diet by avoiding juices and sodas to reduce my overall acid intake. After I graduated, I moved back home and set out to find a job. I was very nervous because I knew that I suffered from chronic halitosis, but I felt like there was nothing that I could do about it, so I just tried to live my life as best as possible.
After searching for a couple of months, I was able to secure my first entry level professional job. Luckily for me, it didn't require a lot of social interaction. Although I felt fortunate not to interact with people, this was also a curse because I never got to network with anyone. I spent 4 years basically working independently. My manager knew that I had a serious breath issue, but I guess she was impressed with my work, and didn't really see the need to fire me, since I was working independently and no one had to really be around me for an extended period of time.
To make a long story short, I continued to live my life pretty much like how I lived in college. I always covered my mouth around people and avoided close contact. On the few occasions when I spoke and people were exposed to my breath, I could clearly see that they were devastated by it. After those incidents, I always felt bad about myself. I would go home and cry myself to sleep. Also, I spent a lot of money visiting different dentists, only for them to tell me that they couldn't find any issues with my teeth. I even spent over 1,000 on special breath treatments w/ a dentist who claimed to be able to cure halitosis, but needless to say, the treatment didn't cure anything.
Since I experienced the halitosis on a regular basis, I reasoned that my only hope was to stop speaking altogether. I have missed out however on a lot of living. For starters, I've never had a boyfriend and I miss smiling and just engaging in normal conversations or saying thank you and please to various people. For the past several years, I get panic attacks when I'm around people due to the stress of it all. In a strange way, I feel far more normal when I don't speak, because I feel like people won't hate me, unless they discover my severe halitosis.
My family knows my battles quite well. My mom however seems to think that I shouldn't care if my breath smells. She feels like I should still smile, talk and laugh despite my bad smell. Her rationale is, that's just the way it is, and I have to accept it. But I don't agree. I don't like knowing that my breath smells rancid and just accepting it as a normal way of life.
My mom keeps telling me that when a person likes you, they don't care about how you smell, but truthfully, I've never had a relationship with anyone, because my breath smells so bad and I feel really horrible about it. It's been such a long time since I've experienced a hug or had a friend to go places with.
I'm pretty much on my own and living like a hermit. At work, on the rare occasions when I have to go to group meetings, I always cringe having to sit next to coworkers but I've learned how to deal with it. I just sit there, but a year or so ago, my boss started asking me to explain certain things and to take on new initiatives. Since I live alone and can't afford to get fired, I have been participating more actively in the various group meetings, but lately I've noticed that the team members usually wait until right before the meeting to sit down. It's kind of like, everyone wants to know where I'm seated, so they can be sure to avoid sitting directly next to me.
I have tried to ignore their behavior
but I have to admit, I always feel lower than life after the meeting, especially since I've done everything and have purchased very high end equipment to make certain that my teeth and tongue are cleaned well. My regimen includes using two different types of toothpaste, ample dental floss, a tongue scraper, a non alcohol based mouth washer and drinking at least 8 glasses of pure water a day. I brush, floss and scrape my tongue after each meal. I have also made it a priority to drink lemon water as well and eat at least 2 apples a day and I avoid all soft drinks, juices, sugary desserts, milk/cream based products and processed foods. I have noticed improvements, but nothing major, so I continue to remain depressed.
On a bright note, I did see an Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) doctor recently who told me that I have tonsiloths (white smelly type globes on my tonsils). I told him about my struggles and he even admitted that I have a pungent breath odor. He told me that I should opt for surgery and I was anxious and happy to finally have something to look forward to that could perhaps solve my 15 year old halitosis issue. For the first time in a long time, I fantasized about what it would be like to speak with my coworkers and to observe their reactions once they noticed that there was no smell emanating from my mouth. I also thought it would be pretty nice to go out and to just smile and have conversations with random people.
All of my dreams however were crushed when I informed my mom that I would be scheduling the surgery. She immediately started screaming at me on the phone and advised that I shouldn't have the procedure performed. She said that since I'm in my 30's, there would be a lot of complications and she even mentioned that I could bleed to death. She screamed about me not having anyone in my life to help with the recovery and told me that I suffer from low self esteem. I tried to tell her that this has been an issue for me and she is really well aware of this, but it didn't help things.
She strongly advised against me getting the surgery. She said it would be like committing suicide and proceeded to say that it wasn't worth the risk. I wanted to curse my own mother out for her insensitive words. We live in different states and she has no idea what I've been through and how I've been forced to live like a hermit. She thinks that I'm mentally insane for "focusing on my breath," but she doesn't see how people react to me, when I open up my mouth even slightly.
I'm growing more and more depressed each day, because I know that I can't continue to live like this. I have 0 friends and no immediate family in my state. I don't know how I will be able to go through recovery without the support of any family or friends. I still however feel like it is worthwhile, because at best, I may just be able to cure this issue that has been a major problem for the past 15 years of my life.
Am I crazy for planning to undergo a tonsillectomy without the support of any family and friends around? I just feel like this may be my only chance to have a life and to possibly be a normal human being. I can't say for certain if I'll be cured of halitosis after the procedure. I've read a lot about the procedure and some people who suffered from chronic halitosis have mentioned via online forums that they were cured after the procedure, while others have stated that they were not.
I have really tried almost everything. I feel like it would be worth it, even if it didn't cure me, because worse case scenario at least I would know that it wasn't my tonsils, and I could explore other possible sources. I feel though that if I don't go through with this, I'll never know if it is indeed my tonsils, and I'll be forced to continue to live like a hermit.
I'm just wondering why my mom thinks halitosis is not really serious. If she had to live as I do, she probably wouldn't have lasted as long as I have.
Sorry for the very long post, but I'm just looking for some words of support to help me through this very rough time in my life.
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