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I have no doubt you heard that. I am also doubtful what you heard is a full, complete, and accurate representation of what transpired.
It is 100% accurate. I lived it, I saw it. Those daycare programs can't medicate a person, they can't lock them in a room for their own safety, they have to keep the safety of their staff and the other elderly people in the program in mind.
My dad was physically strong, he was trying to leave and they were afraid that someone was going to get hurt. So punt back to Mom. She got a call at work "Come get your husband" he was being kicked out.
And, yes, not all "Alzheimer's units" are appropriate for people with advanced dementia - we toured some beautiful ones that had a working oven/stove top within reach of the residents, sharp knitting needles left out, balconies for them to sit on, lots of upholstered furniture, oriental rugs.....I remember Mom saying "If my husband could be around all of this, we wouldn't be looking to place him anywhere!" They will use any excuse to kick them out should their needs prove to be too great.
Going back to the original question about how to deal financially with the care of a demented spouse, this is my plan. Assuming I will be the caregiver, I'd stay in our home with my spouse until I could no longer handle it for some reason (his/my safety, my own sanity, whatever), then I'd find him a nice Memory Care place to be. I'll sell our home, and then move into a much smaller place, somewhere near his place so I could visit often, probably like a condo or an IL situation (assuming we'll be in our later 70s when it happens). The proceeds from the sale of our home would cover several years of the MC cost, and our pensions/SS will cover my needs. I also have LTCi on myself, so I can step up into AL if needed some day.
My paternal grandmother had Alzheimer's it started in her early 60's she went off into the Utah mountains for a week by herself with a rifle and fishing line, and tent. After that she told my grandfather of her issues, and he took her to the Dr. Grandpa took care of her until she died with help from hospice and aunts. Much more help as he went blind with macular issues. My father was diagnosed with frontal lobe Dementia in his very late 60's because of his alcohol use. He was put under guardian ship of my older sister, and she got him into assisted living places - more than one because he was trying to have sex with other patients. He was 73 when he died after getting pneumonia and while in hospital bad infection.
I am 59 and when I have my 6m Dr appointment in May I am asking for a cognitive assessment. I keep having trouble thinking of the word I want to say, I don't remember what I did last week. I'm still working full-time. And I want to be informed if my mental health is bad.
My paternal grandmother had Alzheimer's it started in her early 60's she went off into the Utah mountains for a week by herself with a rifle and fishing line, and tent. After that she told my grandfather of her issues, and he took her to the Dr. Grandpa took care of her until she died with help from hospice and aunts. Much more help as he went blind with macular issues. My father was diagnosed with frontal lobe Dementia in his very late 60's because of his alcohol use. He was put under guardian ship of my older sister, and she got him into assisted living places - more than one because he was trying to have sex with other patients. He was 73 when he died after getting pneumonia and while in hospital bad infection.
I am 59 and when I have my 6m Dr appointment in May I am asking for a cognitive assessment. I keep having trouble thinking of the word I want to say, I don't remember what I did last week. I'm still working full-time. And I want to be informed if my mental health is bad.
It's good at this age to get a baseline cognitive assessment while you are still clear thinking and managing well. That way your doctor can help you to monitor any future declines and possibly get you started on meds that could potentially slow down the progress of the disease.
There are some very sharp people who can suffer a significant cognitive decline but still test well on the cognitive tests. So in situations like that, especially, it's good to have a baseline for comparison purposes.
Yorktown gal, I know that’s what immigrant families do but most Americans are still working in their 50’s and many in their 60’s. I didn’t expect my parents to provide daycare either as I wanted them to enjoy retirement. They helped in emergencies and I was grateful. Americans have expectations for retirement that don’t include full time daycare. I lost 8 friends between the ages of 59-71 so life can be short.
I don’t have grandchildren and my friends that do help out occasionally but none provide full time daycare as they are busy enjoying the remainder of their lives. You can enjoy close relationships with your grandchildren without being a slave to your kids.
Family members take up the slack when a person can no longer quite manage to live independently. They help the elderly family with driving, cooking, cleaning, yard work, take them to doctor/dental appts, make sure that their utility bills get paid. And, yes, that can go on for years and even decades before the person's condition deteriorates to the point that they need memory care.
Usually, memory care is the very tail end of the story but there were many, many chapters before that.
Well, I’m not sure how to respond, except I don’t think “help[ing] the elderly family with driving, cooking, cleaning, yard work, take them to doctor/dental appts, make sure that their utility bills get paid” qualifies as anything more than being a decent, responsible, and caring family member. I do all of these things now for my folks (I actually prepare their taxes as opposed to paying their utility bills….but same idea I think) and my folks are in no way impacted by Alzheimer’s or Dementia. This sort of “help” hardly qualifies as a chapter of Alzheimer’s….it is what normal families with healthy relationships do for each other. If people find this sort of assistance to be a burden, shame on them.
Well, I’m not sure how to respond, except I don’t think “help[ing] the elderly family with driving, cooking, cleaning, yard work, take them to doctor/dental appts, make sure that their utility bills get paid” qualifies as anything more than being a decent, responsible, and caring family member. I do all of these things now for my folks (I actually prepare their taxes as opposed to paying their utility bills….but same idea I think) and my folks are in no way impacted by Alzheimer’s or Dementia. This sort of “help” hardly qualifies as a chapter of Alzheimer’s….it is what normal families with healthy relationships do for each other. If people find this sort of assistance to be a burden, shame on them.
It's nice that you can do that. I've done it myself. Some families need to hire that kind of help done - especially if dementia is involved. It doesn't make them any less caring than the family members who provide more direct assistance.
When an older person starts to slip and needs assistance to live independently I would call that a chapter in the slow progression to Memory Care. Each chapter gets just a little more involved.
Your folks don't have dementia so hopefully that'll never be a concern for your family. I'm not sure you quite appreciate what others are dealing with in their families.
Yorktown gal, I know that’s what immigrant families do but most Americans are still working in their 50’s and many in their 60’s. I didn’t expect my parents to provide daycare either as I wanted them to enjoy retirement. They helped in emergencies and I was grateful. Americans have expectations for retirement that don’t include full time daycare. I lost 8 friends between the ages of 59-71 so life can be short.
I don’t have grandchildren and my friends that do help out occasionally but none provide full time daycare as they are busy enjoying the remainder of their lives. You can enjoy close relationships with your grandchildren without being a slave to your kids.
My kids were unmarried and in their early twenties when I was in my sixties. So no expectations about childcare for me.
My mother's generation were stay-at-home mothers during the sixties were kids were expected to be independent. During the summer and on weekends, young children left the house and didn't get home until dinner or dusk. Kids played pickup sports in the neighborhood.
My aunt was in her late 30's when she brought a house with an attached apartment for my grandmother. In return, my 70 year old grandmother provided after school care.
Now mother's work full time combined with more dependent kids. Kids have more organized activities like sports teams cause pickup activities/sports are a thing of the past.
As children became more dependent, grandparents became more independent and provided less of a support system. Grandparents accumulating significantly more wealth giving them more freedom than previous generations.
I want my freedom to enjoy my retirement too. I want to travel and do my clubs. I giggle because I have a better social life in retirement since my old college days.
I still I see the conflict. A mother working full time doesn't have enough free time to breathe. For introverted children, daycare is horrible. Granny is either too old to provide daycare or young enough for her own social life/travel. I have no idea how to it will all work out, but it feels like it can't go on.
Last edited by YorktownGal; 04-03-2024 at 01:54 PM..
It's nice that you can do that. I've done it myself. Some families need to hire that kind of help done - especially if dementia is involved. It doesn't make them any less caring than the family members who provide more direct assistance.
When an older person starts to slip and needs assistance to live independently I would call that a chapter in the slow progression to Memory Care. Each chapter gets just a little more involved.
Your folks don't have dementia so hopefully that'll never be a concern for your family. I'm not sure you quite appreciate what others are dealing with in their families.
I am going to beg to differ. I can fully appreciate family challenges whether they be medical, financial, social, etc. Certainly, I'm no different than most people and have had to deal with my own personal and family challenges along these lines. One would have to be pretty heartless not to feel empathy towards others who face situations that are similar to those that have been so very personally painful.
What I am having trouble with, however, is some of the exaggerations made in this thread such as those concerning the likelihood and frequency of these events. There was a previous characterization of the 60 year old working 60 hours a week caring for their children's children along with a parent with Dementia for a decade or more. That sounds far more like the plot of a tragic hero in a Dickens' novel than something that happens in the normal course of most people's lives. Do such event happen? Certainly. And when it does, it is tragic and unfortunate. But trying to characterize these sorts of disastrous endings as common is not valid. Seeing simultaneous tragic events on a first-hand basis does not mean they are ordinary or common----it just means someone had the misfortune of observing something on bad end of the bell curve of luck.
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