How do you financially deal with a spouse who has severe dementia/Alzheimer's? (physically, state)
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One of the things we would like to have in retirement is a small fishing cabin in an out of the way area - well constructed, comfortable but nothing fancy. We'll enjoy using it as a rustic getaway when we feel the need to reconnect with nature. We've got time to plan it out and get it well stocked and comfortably furnished. Plenty of canned goods, bottled water, a deep freeze with veggies, meat and other foods. A nice little liquor cabinet and wine rack. Pictures of happy memories on the walls.
If I developed cancer or some other terminal illness, I can see wanting to spend my remaining days in a cabin like that. Why wouldn't I want the same for myself if I developed dementia? At least I would be in a familiar place, with my familiar things and away from worries like busy roads or people who prey on the elderly. I would be free to be addled and confused, living in my own little world.
That isn't a choice that you can make for someone else but it certainly is a choice that you can make for yourself and it's a choice that you can make together as a couple.
Not too long ago, someone told us that "People don't do things the way that you have". Yep.
I personally know of 3 people (2 men and 1 woman) who cared for spouses with advanced dementia at home up until the time the spouses died.
In each case they had daytime help to care for the spouse so they could run errands, keep appointments etc.
The daytime caretakers were from a church group and charged a reasonable hourly rate. They did not do housework but they took the spouses for walks and helped with bathing and meals.
Still, it took an obvious toll on the individuals caring for the spouses at home.
I volunteer at a day facility for dementia patients. Some are there for just 2 days a week (8:30 to 4pm), others 5 days a week. It's a great way for the caregivers to have time to do their errands, medical appointments, work, etc. Because it's a non-profit, the fees aren't that high, $75/day. It's a bit like adult day care. We do exercises, music-time, games, crafts, basically keeping them safe and entertained. So many caregivers have no respite. This is something that's needed in every community. I think more people could care for their loved ones at home if they had the ability to get respite care.
One of the things we would like to have in retirement is a small fishing cabin in an out of the way area - well constructed, comfortable but nothing fancy. We'll enjoy using it as a rustic getaway when we feel the need to reconnect with nature. We've got time to plan it out and get it well stocked and comfortably furnished. Plenty of canned goods, bottled water, a deep freeze with veggies, meat and other foods. A nice little liquor cabinet and wine rack. Pictures of happy memories on the walls.
If I developed cancer or some other terminal illness, I can see wanting to spend my remaining days in a cabin like that. Why wouldn't I want the same for myself if I developed dementia? At least I would be in a familiar place, with my familiar things and away from worries like busy roads or people who prey on the elderly. I would be free to be addled and confused, living in my own little world.
That isn't a choice that you can make for someone else but it certainly is a choice that you can make for yourself and it's a choice that you can make together as a couple.
Not too long ago, someone told us that "People don't do things the way that you have". Yep.
This sounds lovely, BUT... not all dementia patients are safe at home. Many may wander if they aren't locked in, getting lost and even freezing to death outside. Many are so forgetful that they could burn the house down accidentally. Some become argumentative and even violent with their family and caregivers. My dad was diagnosed and living at home with dementia. When his wife (my stepmom) was taking a shower, he wandered out and got lost in the woods. She called her son to help find him, and then after searching for a time, they had to get the sheriff's helicopter and dogs out into the woods to find him. After that they found a facility for him. He was almost to the point of not recognizing family anymore when it happened.
This sounds lovely, BUT... not all dementia patients are safe at home. Many may wander if they aren't locked in, getting lost and even freezing to death outside. Many are so forgetful that they could burn the house down accidentally. Some become argumentative and even violent with their family and caregivers. My dad was diagnosed and living at home with dementia. When his wife (my stepmom) was taking a shower, he wandered out and got lost in the woods. She called her son to help find him, and then after searching for a time, they had to get the sheriff's helicopter and dogs out into the woods to find him. After that they found a facility for him. He was almost to the point of not recognizing family anymore when it happened.
I understand. Like I said, this is not a choice that you can make for someone else but it is a choice that you can make for yourself. Sometimes the safest option is not the best option. You have to pick your poison realizing that there are going to be consequences to your decisions no matter what you choose. There is no great, one size fits all, rainbow and unicorns approach to this.
It's usually a matter of choosing between the less sucky options. My personality is the type who would prefer to be in a little cabin in the woods living out my final days in peace and without interference. Notice that I said nothing about caregivers.
You haven't said anything about knowing dementia sufferers or need for assistance that advanced age + dementia can bring either. Dementia can be a very tough condition, exactly what TheShadow tried to communicate, that does not respect fantasies. And, there are often others involved - loved ones and/or public who take on the burden. And, it is hard all around.
You haven't said anything about knowing dementia sufferers or need for assistance that advanced age + dementia can bring either. Dementia can be a very tough condition, exactly what TheShadow tried to communicate, that does not respect fantasies. And, there are often others involved - loved ones and/or public who take on the burden. And, it is hard all around.
Unfortunately, I am all too aware of the toll that dementia can take on a person as well as their loved ones. My dad had early onset and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Unfortunately, I am all too aware of the toll that dementia can take on a person as well as their loved ones. My dad had early onset and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I personally wouldn't want to live in dementia alone to the degree in your plan. It sounds like a pretty fantasy that you can just "live out your days" when what will happen is not that pretty.
You refer to yourself as "We" in your first post and mention living as a couple. Does your "cabin plan" include what your spouse is supposed to be doing while you're spiraling down in your cabin? Or is this strictly for the last one standing? Is the spouse supposed to stay in your other home while you slowly fizzle out? If so, spouse could be prosecuted for elder neglect or abuse.
I personally wouldn't want to live in dementia alone to the degree in your plan. It sounds like a pretty fantasy that you can just "live out your days" when what will happen is not that pretty.
You refer to yourself as "We" in your first post and mention living as a couple. Does your "cabin plan" include what your spouse is supposed to be doing while you're spiraling down in your cabin? Or is this strictly for the last one standing? Is the spouse supposed to stay in your other home while you slowly fizzle out? If so, spouse could be prosecuted for elder neglect or abuse.
I am married. My husband and I will have a primary home along with the fishing cabin that we use for recreational purposes.
When you try to figure out the "easy" way to do dementia, you will find that there is no easy way. There just isn't. I really hope and pray that we never have to deal with it in each other.
I know that the cabin idea is not for everyone but for me it's an option. If I'm cool with it, that should be good enough.
I personally wouldn't want to live in dementia alone to the degree in your plan. It sounds like a pretty fantasy that you can just "live out your days" when what will happen is not that pretty.
You refer to yourself as "We" in your first post and mention living as a couple. Does your "cabin plan" include what your spouse is supposed to be doing while you're spiraling down in your cabin? Or is this strictly for the last one standing? Is the spouse supposed to stay in your other home while you slowly fizzle out? If so, spouse could be prosecuted for elder neglect or abuse.
Absolutely.
It's not necessarily about living out your days in a wonderful nursing home. I've never interacted with a properly staffed and equipped nursing home/memory care place that has their residents living in relative comfort. Most of them are sorely understaffed - the workers are relatively low paid, mismanagement is common, the model is often to make the most money out of the resident/insurer/family - etc.
My grandmother was showing signs of dementia as early as 2016 or 2017. She would lapse into talking about how dead family members or public figures talked to her that day. She'd recount a conversation with them, just like you or me would with a living person. There were probably bits and pieces of conversations she had with them in the past, recent conversations, and totally made up stuff shaken into some demented psychobabble. She would start this, then snap back to "normal."
Over time, she became less and less lucid, and she pretty much talked in demented psychobabble. She'd always whisper when talking in "dementia mode." If she was lucid, she'd talk in a normal tone of voice.
Her mind was completely mush for at least a year. She had the stroke, and lived another couple of months. It was absolute hell, and I wouldn't want to see anyone go through that.
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