Growing Old All Alone (60+, pension, spouses, marriage)
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Every woman my age I've talked to about the possibility of losing their spouse has told me with some vehemence they would never get married again.
No offense, guys, but if you are terrified of being alone seriously consider reassessing your dynamic with your wife. It could be you depend on her way too much. While she may not complain about it to you, it can be an undue burden that prevents her from enjoying her life to the fullest.
There are women that need male companionship, but yes, I hear it more from the men.
And good point to examine what it is that makes up that need.
I'm 65, retired and live alone, and this topic is on my mind but is does not stop me from making the most of things on a day to day basis.
Here in Tucson, I have a 58 y.o. GF who also lives alone. She is divorced (receives alimony) and owns a modest home not far from where I rent. She is from Mexico and has lived in the US legally for 20+ years, and works at a hotel laundry room. Not an easy or high paying job, but she doesn't speak English real well so her options are limited. I speak Spanish fluently so we have no problem in communication together.
We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas together in the afternoons and evenings, preparing and cooking meals, listening to music, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" (she had never seen the movie), talking and enjoying the time together. Her sister and nephew came over to share Christmas dinner with us. It was so much better than any (of the many) Christmas days that I have spent alone in the past.
If I lost my wife I would pathetically look for another because I can't imagine the pain of living alone. Pathetic because I know I can never find what I have but I would look anyway.
Probably not get married because we wouldn't want to cloud things for our children but just live together in sin. At 71 who would care unless we have children together?
Quote:
Originally Posted by organic_donna
You can’t imagine the pain of living alone? I was married for 10 years, and have been divorced since 1997. I have no interest in having a spouse. I love living alone and wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t imagine the pain of being married.
This conversation points up very nicely the problem of men remarrying past 70. Most women have raised a family and have accompanied a hubby or two to the grave by this time and they have no desire to do that again in old age, so they vocally and vociferously say, "Nyet!" to remarrying. A widower who has relied on his wife to manage home affairs while he worked find himself in the awkward position of being turned down over and over by reluctant widows or singles as he looks for a replacement spouse. The last thing on a woman's mind as she grows old is to play nursemaid to a sick, often bedridden man.
As Coney said, if one has money one can hire help, but help doesn't really provide that deep loving relationship that a wife of 40 years does. With hired help it's often pretty mechanical. I'm in the unenviable of watching my 99 YO mother slowly waste away in a bed. Her constitution is like iron but she's severely disabled. Despite poor nutrition--little or no solid food, just Ensure, no exercise, bedsores despite the caregivers' best efforts to keep them away--her body refuses to give up. Her vital organs have no problems. She's really amazing and one wonders what power in the universe keeps her body going. I dread winding up like this. If my mother didn't have me to manage her care she'd be all alone. Her 80 YO older son, my brother, has his own physical problems in Phoenix and couldn't possibly take over if anything happened to me.
I was an only child and didn't have many friends in my early childhood. I've always sort of "lived in my head" and prefer to have time alone, even if I am romantically involved with someone. I don't like feeling "smothered" or having someone up in my business all the time.
Let's assume I do get married. Even if something happened to my wife, I wouldn't be "scared" of living alone. I've never been the dependent type. I'd still try to get on with it the best I could.
That's not saying that I wouldn't be heartbroken, or that if I was to the point where I couldn't do things on my own, that I wouldn't acknowledge that and start looking at alternate arrangements.
And good point to examine what it is that makes up that need.
It's because men overwhelmingly benefit from having a wife. Women get less benefit from having a husband. That's why so many widows say they would never marry again. Being a wife involves a lot of servitude. Men benefit from being served by women.
Are you kidding? You can’t buy real friends. You can’t buy real relationships.
The concern posed by the OP was "I cannot imagine living alone having to rely on just myself to get the things accomplished that I need to, given my health and physical limitations." Money can assist with many of these concerns, depending on where you live. I am an active 63-year-old, but it is possible I might need foot surgery down the road which would put me out of commission for weeks, if not months. I have no family nearby. Fortunately, I live in an area where I could get multiple grocery stores and restaurants to deliver. I am a short uber or special transport ride from health services. I have a handyman I could call upon to assist with any needs that should arise from the house and I already use a lawn service. Who wants to be calling on friends to help with all of this? It is an unreasonable imposition I wouldn't even dream of making. Money buys the assistance you need and helps you keep your friends.
This conversation points up very nicely the problem of men remarrying past 70. Most women have raised a family and have accompanied a hubby or two to the grave by this time and they have no desire to do that again in old age, so they vocally and vociferously say, "Nyet!" to remarrying. A widower who has relied on his wife to manage home affairs while he worked find himself in the awkward position of being turned down over and over by reluctant widows or singles as he looks for a replacement spouse. The last thing on a woman's mind as she grows old is to play nursemaid to a sick, often bedridden man.
(
I don't know many men whose wives manage most of the financial and similar affairs. Maybe it's just my independent nature, but I'd at least want my eyeballs to see what's going on.
I'm not the best cook, but I can feed myself. I don't need anyone else to do that for me. I make sure the bills get paid. I manage my own money.
I can't imagine that simply getting married would cause me to kind of fade into the background. The wife may "do it," but I'd at least be aware of what is going on.
It's because men overwhelmingly benefit from having a wife. Women get less benefit from having a husband. That's why so many widows say they would never marry again. Being a wife involves a lot of servitude. Men benefit from being served by women.
I was married for 14 years and have been divorced since 1997. I wouldn't mind a companion with whom to enjoy activities, but I will never marry again. I like my independence and having my own space. I have 2 dogs and that is enough "servitude" for me. Also, I am not interested in putting any of my financial resources at risk based on decisions made by someone else. Yes, I just watched the series Dirty John!
It's because men overwhelmingly benefit from having a wife. Women get less benefit from having a husband. That's why so many widows say they would never marry again. Being a wife involves a lot of servitude. Men benefit from being served by women.
Oh is this right on! So true! Good for you for saying it!
It's because men overwhelmingly benefit from having a wife. Women get less benefit from having a husband. That's why so many widows say they would never marry again. Being a wife involves a lot of servitude. Men benefit from being served by women.
Oh I don't know. Given that single women in retirement outnumber single men at least 3 to 1, many women have made up their minds there's little chance they are going to remarry even if they want to so they tend to tell everyone they have no interest in getting married again. Most of us know some aggressive older women looking to outshine the others to catch a single man. Aren't they called cougars in some circles?
Some women latch onto men because they are lonely. Others for financial reasons, but we all know they are out there in large numbers.
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