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My husband wants me to bring it back up in a few years....which is what I thought he'd say...he is worried about money even though we are doing great there. Oh well.
I am busy as is and do like to have some time to exercise so...
Apparently I have a more work to do with my own kids because I am not imparting my values on them. Take this for instance...I am an antiwar pacifist and yet my youngest son just 'carpet bombed' with liquid poop the white carpet rug. He did it once before, but it was a small amount, but he just destroyed it forever the last time. I am going to have to nickname him the brown bomber....until he comes around to a more peaceful stance. His diapers are so foul of a biological weapon that my husband can't even handle changing them without nearly vomiting. Just a sad but true poor attempt at a joke I am making!
Quote:
Originally Posted by .sparrow.
Dear QuakerBaker,
IF you are willing to hear some more advice.... I would say you need to really look within yourself and think a bit more deeply as to the reasons why you want to adopt. There are a few things that stood out to me, that made me think that perhaps you need a bit more maturity before deciding on such a life-altering decision. Sometimes an outsider looking in can help you see things that perhaps you don't fully see. This is what I see:
You said that your mother was perfect and that she is no longer here, and you want to do your best.
You said that you feel less attractive due to your C-section scars.
You said that you feel like a bit of a failure as a mother because you couldn't have a "natural" birth.
I say this very gently, and again just as an outsider (who does not know you personally) looking in. To me, these things paint a picture of insecurity. There are things in your life that have caused an insecurity within. Insecurity can cause a void within that needs to be filled. It has a voracious appetite. And sometimes we look to something outside of ourselves to fill the void, to "fix" the insecurity. To fix the part of us that we feel is lacking... to somehow become "whole". No matter how noble our intentions, no matter how we rationalize this thing..... there may be roots that need to be examined first. The roots of why you really feel the need to adopt.
Being young and not having a mother is a very difficult thing and it affects you in ways you don't expect. Things that you wouldn't think that are connected....actually can be VERY connected to other things that you don't think are connected, like grief, for instance. Things can manifest in different ways. Insecurities can manifest in different ways when you don't get to the root of the issue. The "remedy" can come in many forms, some productive, some very unproductive. Adoption seems like a very productive thing, but if you are not ready, if you are not mature, if you are not doing it for the right reasons.... it can quickly become very unproductive and even harmful not only to you, but your family and the child that you have adopted. This is something that you need to truly do a lot of soul-searching on.
I think you have a beautiful heart. Truly. Before, you jump into a decision such as adoption, just make sure sure that YOU feel whole first.
And I know some will say I'm being way too serious on this next thing, but there is no need to soften up your husband. Just talk with him. The lipstick, the hair.... you shouldn't feel the need to do such things to talk with your husband over such an important matter. I know you were probably just joking around, but sometimes there is a hint of truth to such things. You are a beautiful soul, and I'm sure that beauty shines through no matter what external "prettying up" you do. (smile)
I lost my mom (and my home and all of my belongings) when I was a teenager. If you EVER need someone to talk to, please know that you can always, ALWAYS direct message me.
If some of the things that I've said, you don't feel applies to you at all, please forgive me for any of my assumptions I may have made. I do not know you personally. But some things you said touched me because I saw a little of myself in your words. I hope you understand.
Much peace and love to you. If you do ultimately decide, in the future, to adopt or foster... I'm sure that child will be in the most excellent of hands.
peace,
sparrow
I am sorry to hear about your mom, she was blessed to have raised such a wonder person who would go through the trouble of writing such a nice thoughtful post. I do have some issues at times with how I view myself.
it is always good to get more information (about anything) as this helps us in our decision making.
and certainly you are free on your own to talk to this or that agency on your own, to gather more information. about adopting, about the process, about the criteria requirements and recommendations. if this (or anything) is something that is of interest to you, or you are curious to know more about it, then yes definitely talk to agencies in your area. talk to other mothers who may have gone through adoption, or are considering it, or who are currently going through the process.
You don't need anyone's permission to gather information on any subject.
My husband wants me to bring it back up in a few years....which is what I thought he'd say...he is worried about money even though we are doing great there. Oh well.
I am busy as is and do like to have some time to exercise so...
Apparently I have a more work to do with my own kids because I am not imparting my values on them. Take this for instance...I am an antiwar pacifist and yet my youngest son just 'carpet bombed' with liquid poop the white carpet rug. He did it once before, but it was a small amount, but he just destroyed it forever the last time. I am going to have to nickname him the brown bomber....until he comes around to a more peaceful stance. His diapers are so foul of a biological weapon that my husband can't even handle changing them without nearly vomiting. Just a sad but true poor attempt at a joke I am making!
Very funny!
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuakerBaker
I am sorry to hear about your mom, she was blessed to have raised such a wonder person who would go through the trouble of writing such a nice thoughtful post. I do have some issues at times with how I view myself.
I lost my mom (and my home and all of my belongings) when I was a teenager. If you EVER need someone to talk to, please know that you can always, ALWAYS direct message me.
If some of the things that I've said, you don't feel applies to you at all, please forgive me for any of my assumptions I may have made. I do not know you personally. But some things you said touched me because I saw a little of myself in your words. I hope you understand.
My wife's mother died of cancer when my wife was 9, and she has really related to my daughter, who was also motherless in practice, at a similar age. I don't know how much mothering QB missed out on, but the insecurity / anxiety and sometimes lack of anchor or sense of place experienced by motherless daughters is not nothing. QB might choose to read up on that topic to her benefit, if she wishes.
None of this is to suggest there's some huge problem to address. It is just helpful sometimes to understand how certain life experiences influence our thinking, and the experiences we seek out or find super-compelling as a result. The more we know ourselves, the better the decisions we make.
I am going to have to nickname him the brown bomber....until he comes around to a more peaceful stance. His diapers are so foul of a biological weapon that my husband can't even handle changing them without nearly vomiting.
That made me laugh. I had that experience with my daughter. Barely-restrained urking ... and she had a lot of projectile diarrhea episodes, too. In the midst of one of those, my boss rang the doorbell demanding to know why I wasn't answering the company phone (I was a trucking company dispatcher at the time and shared with him the duty of covering night calls for emergency freight pickups). It was all I could do to not fling one of those biological weapons at him. As it was I just quit on the spot. He backtracked the next day, lol.
Raising children is an ... experience.
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He did it once before, but it was a small amount, but he just destroyed it forever the last time. I am going to have to nickname him the brown bomber....until he comes around to a more peaceful stance. His diapers are so foul of a biological weapon that my husband can't even handle changing them without nearly vomiting. Just a sad but true poor attempt at a joke I am making! 
