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I feel like a bit of a failure as a mom right from the start from not being able to have a natural birth...my mom is in heaven and she was the perfect mom so I want to do my best....and then I feel like I lost my attractiveness with the scaring too.
Ask yourself what success as a Mom looks like. I expect you'll be hard pressed to find that it has anything to do with how your abdomen looks (and women who have "normal" births fret about stretch marks anyway). I also suspect it has nothing to do with whether you need any medical intervention in childbirth -- things beyond a person's control.
What success looks like is happy healthy children with whom you have a functional, warm, mutually trusting relationship. And even that is not a foregone conclusion, because as children grow, they gradually have more and more independence and personal responsibility, and sometimes they choose poorly, and it is at least as much on them as on the parents, how things pan out in the end.
One day nearly all people lose much of their physical attractiveness, QB. Your marriage is based on way more than that, right? As a man I can tell you, what is attractive has way more to do at root with how real, genuine, kind and welcoming you are in your personality and the healthy boundaries you have, than it does with your conformity to some ultimately random standard of appearance. I am inferring you are subjectively closer to the Madison Avenue standard prevalent in the US, than not ... and you feel the societal pressure to close the distance. Resist it. It's a fool's errand. Your husband cherishes you for WHO you are, not WHAT.
My wife went from size 2 to size 16 and is struggling back to 12. I love her no less, and, in fact, that has no input into the fact that I love her MORE.
You know all of this I'm sure but sometimes it helps to hear it from the outside.
I feel like a bit of a failure as a mom right from the start from not being able to have a natural birth...my mom is in heaven and she was the perfect mom so I want to do my best....and then I feel like I lost my attractiveness with the scaring too.
Your not having a natural birth does not make you any less of a mother. Your birthing experiences were given to you by God for a reason.
God often sends us painful experiences in order to teach us humility. We all want to exercise control over the various aspects of our lives. A big part of becoming more Christlike is relinquishing that sense of control and humbly submitting to the will of God. The Blessed Virgin Mary is the archetype for this, "Let it be done to me according to Thy Word". Not to mention Christ Himself, "let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done."
My wife had a C-section with our first, and I can tell you that her scarring does not bother me in the least.
one of the greatest gifts we can give ourself as a parent,
is to let go of the concept of "the perfect parent"
and embrace being a "good enough" parent
this applies to every area in our life.
we don't have to be, or try to be, the perfect anything.
it's OK to be "good enough."
and in reality it's OK not to also. just being who we are, is more than enough.
one of the greatest gifts we can give ourself as a parent,
is to let go of the concept of "the perfect parent"
and embrace being a "good enough" parent
this applies to every area in our life.
we don't have to be, or try to be, the perfect anything.
it's OK to be "good enough."
and in reality it's OK not to also. just being who we are, is more than enough.
Which is true but then being perfect or good enough. also depends on what do we call “perfect or good enough”?
And one of the major definitions is; don’t say “No” to kids. Provide them with almost anything and everything they want - bring all their wishes and desires come true.
And when we do that in small kids, we actually spoil them and sometimes put them on the spectrum of psychological disorder in later years of their lives.
When kids get it all given to them in a platter, they tend to become lacking the will to strive and struggle and go thru the grind to achieve something - in their teens, every small social challenge turns into a mental nightmare - they turn to drugs and pills to find refuge.
In my opinion, being good enough or perfect parent should include the fact that we should make the kids work for, and go thru a little struggle to get their wishes come true.
Because every kid in the class has an iPhone and gaming pc and brand name clothes - doesn’t really mean that I must now get this all for my kid without any condition put in place.
In our childhoods, I remember we had struggle, we had to put an effort, and we had strive to get our small wishes come true. But todays kids?
I purchased a $120 worth of sneakers pair for my teen.
After about 2 months, he comes to me and says, I need a new pair.
I asked why? I just got you one a few weeks ago.
His answer?
“Oh they got a little dirt on them”.
the response to the teen would be, "Great! If you want more shoes, then save money from your part time jobs and buy as many shoes as you would like." Because no one is going to appreciate the value of items and what they cost, until they earn the money to pay for it themself. Until someone is equipped with that life skill, then they are going to have difficulty navigating real life. Ever. At all.
Which is true but then being perfect or good enough. also depends on what do we call “perfect or good enough”?
And one of the major definitions is; don’t say “No” to kids. Provide them with almost anything and everything they want - bring all their wishes and desires come true.
And when we do that in small kids, we actually spoil them and sometimes put them on the spectrum of psychological disorder in later years of their lives.
When kids get it all given to them in a platter, they tend to become lacking the will to strive and struggle and go thru the grind to achieve something - in their teens, every small social challenge turns into a mental nightmare - they turn to drugs and pills to find refuge.
In my opinion, being good enough or perfect parent should include the fact that we should make the kids work for, and go thru a little struggle to get their wishes come true.
Because every kid in the class has an iPhone and gaming pc and brand name clothes - doesn’t really mean that I must now get this all for my kid without any condition put in place.
In our childhoods, I remember we had struggle, we had to put an effort, and we had strive to get our small wishes come true. But todays kids?
I purchased a $120 worth of sneakers pair for my teen.
After about 2 months, he comes to me and says, I need a new pair.
I asked why? I just got you one a few weeks ago.
His answer?
“Oh they got a little dirt on them”.
Ha, and I bet you scratched your head and thought, "Hmm, I screwed up somewhere along the line..."
But kids value money better when they earn it themselves. I remember my dd being so thrilled that she bought her own laptop with her own money (high school job working at Dunkin).
Called by whom or what, do you imagine, since her husband is an atheist?
Since she said several times that she has not yet discussed it with him, I find the motivation behind your question a bit suspect, my friend.
I can’t speak for phet, but I didn’t know QB’s husband was an atheist. I also don’t think feeling “called” to do something is inherently religious. I would say that we create and realize our own callings as people with wishes and dreams and hopes and fears.
I can’t speak for phet, but I didn’t know QB’s husband was an atheist. I also don’t think feeling “called” to do something is inherently religious. I would say that we create and realize our own callings as people with wishes and dreams and hopes and fears.
Fair enough. I suppose a person could feel a non-spiritual calling. Why not?
You are newer to this forum than phet, who predates QB and who I assume remembers QB meeting, dating, and marrying a man who was not a Quaker/religious at all and sharing her saga with us. She is only 21. This all happened over only a couple two-three years.
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