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And I’m two years older than your kid. To mordant’s earlier point about people marrying and having children later than ever, my wife and I were 28 and 30 when our son was born, and we’re among the very youngest parents in our son’s preschool cohort. Weirdly enough, my mom and dad were also 28 and 30 when I (the eldest child) was born, and even then, they were decidedly on the younger side in those same social circles.
I feel like Jesus tells me to adopt when I sit in silence and communicate with him. Both of my pregnancies were humbling C Sections which might be another message from God as well.
Plus there are so many people in need of adoption in this world and my family has so much love to give. Life is the most important thing to support.
I don't know if now would be a good time with basically a half year old and a one and a half year old...plus my husband is very frugal, but we are doing great financially...so he could ease up some on his investment for early retirement.
Then do it. But that is a decision for you and your husband to make together. You'll get all sorts of crazy answers here.
Called by whom or what, do you imagine, since her husband is an atheist?
Since she said several times that she has not yet discussed it with him, I find the motivation behind your question a bit suspect, my friend.
No, just didn't catch that.
My point is very simple -- if one member of a couple is being called to do something, but the other member is not...then there may be some serious questions. Temporary foster care situations may be a good 'practice run'.
I can’t speak for phet, but I didn’t know QB’s husband was an atheist. I also don’t think feeling “called” to do something is inherently religious. I would say that we create and realize our own callings as people with wishes and dreams and hopes and fears.
Well, I missed that fact entirely. Probably just skipped over some posts.
I agree, I felt I was called to be an educator...but not by god.
Fair enough. I suppose a person could feel a non-spiritual calling. Why not?
You are newer to this forum than phet, who predates QB and who I assume remembers QB meeting, dating, and marrying a man who was not a Quaker/religious at all and sharing her saga with us. She is only 21. This all happened over only a couple two-three years.
My own kid is ten years older than QB!
Nope...don't remember the meeting and dating scenario. I have other things on my mind that memorizing the personal history of every poster.
My point is very simple -- if one member of a couple is being called to do something, but the other member is not...then there may be some serious questions. Temporary foster care situations may be a good 'practice run'.
That is excellent advice as it will provide the closest circumstances to an adoption. It has also been a route to the adoption of the foster child for some, sort of like a "test drive" for the real thing.
I feel like a bit of a failure as a mom right from the start from not being able to have a natural birth...my mom is in heaven and she was the perfect mom so I want to do my best....and then I feel like I lost my attractiveness with the scaring too.
Thanks for your input on this thread.
I am more talking about expectant waiting and messages in my heart during that time. I am not totally insane!
Thank you!
Those are good things to ponder. Thank you.
I was thinking since the process could take years it may be a good idea to start the process now, especially as my husband is 33. I get that I am 21 and my two are still very young and that is a good point.
Maybe it would be better to help with some sort of a foster center if that falls through and my husband doesn't want to adopt.
Yes, we are both white, but I wouldn't love anyone less if we did adopt someone who wasn't white. Kind of sad that the race makes a difference to the adoption authorities to be honest. The school district we are in is I'd guess 90% white, but two of the districts we touch are 99% black and about 50% black...so there are diverse neighborhoods and stuff close by.
Thank you for your insights.
I was starting this thread to get more thoughts before I approached my husband. He is very frugal so he can invest and he is paranoid about the economy so I guess that he will not like it from a financial standpoint. However, we are extremely well off and in a good position financially..I think he might sometimes sell his financial position well short.
I plan on bringing it up tonight...I'll dress up for it too to soften him up...put on his favorite dress, his favorite lipstick, my hair up . I know that I have young kids, but my understanding is that since it can take years to adopt it may be wise to start now...especially as he is older at 33. I am also going to convince him to take tomorrow off since he doesn't need to be commuting through the blizzard.
Thank you for your help.
Dear QuakerBaker,
IF you are willing to hear some more advice.... I would say you need to really look within yourself and think a bit more deeply as to the reasons why you want to adopt. There are a few things that stood out to me, that made me think that perhaps you need a bit more maturity before deciding on such a life-altering decision. Sometimes an outsider looking in can help you see things that perhaps you don't fully see. This is what I see:
You said that your mother was perfect and that she is no longer here, and you want to do your best.
You said that you feel less attractive due to your C-section scars.
You said that you feel like a bit of a failure as a mother because you couldn't have a "natural" birth.
I say this very gently, and again just as an outsider (who does not know you personally) looking in. To me, these things paint a picture of insecurity. There are things in your life that have caused an insecurity within. Insecurity can cause a void within that needs to be filled. It has a voracious appetite. And sometimes we look to something outside of ourselves to fill the void, to "fix" the insecurity. To fix the part of us that we feel is lacking... to somehow become "whole". No matter how noble our intentions, no matter how we rationalize this thing..... there may be roots that need to be examined first. The roots of why you really feel the need to adopt.
Being young and not having a mother is a very difficult thing and it affects you in ways you don't expect. Things that you wouldn't think that are connected....actually can be VERY connected to other things that you don't think are connected, like grief, for instance. Things can manifest in different ways. Insecurities can manifest in different ways when you don't get to the root of the issue. The "remedy" can come in many forms, some productive, some very unproductive. Adoption seems like a very productive thing, but if you are not ready, if you are not mature, if you are not doing it for the right reasons.... it can quickly become very unproductive and even harmful not only to you, but your family and the child that you have adopted. This is something that you need to truly do a lot of soul-searching on.
I think you have a beautiful heart. Truly. Before, you jump into a decision such as adoption, just make sure sure that YOU feel whole first.
And I know some will say I'm being way too serious on this next thing, but there is no need to soften up your husband. Just talk with him. The lipstick, the hair.... you shouldn't feel the need to do such things to talk with your husband over such an important matter. I know you were probably just joking around, but sometimes there is a hint of truth to such things. You are a beautiful soul, and I'm sure that beauty shines through no matter what external "prettying up" you do. (smile)
I lost my mom (and my home and all of my belongings) when I was a teenager. If you EVER need someone to talk to, please know that you can always, ALWAYS direct message me.
If some of the things that I've said, you don't feel applies to you at all, please forgive me for any of my assumptions I may have made. I do not know you personally. But some things you said touched me because I saw a little of myself in your words. I hope you understand.
Much peace and love to you. If you do ultimately decide, in the future, to adopt or foster... I'm sure that child will be in the most excellent of hands.
Nope...don't remember the meeting and dating scenario. I have other things on my mind that memorizing the personal history of every poster.
OK. I just thought that since she was so open and detailed about her life since she has been posting here, it was common knowledge. Not a matter of "memorizing", just things we pick up from reading, like that you are a retired teacher and a Buddhist.
OK. I just thought that since she was so open and detailed about her life since she has been posting here, it was common knowledge. Not a matter of "memorizing", just things we pick up from reading, like that you are a retired teacher and a Buddhist.
Also, she's a Quaker. And she likes to bake.
Yes, I remember well that she's a Quaker, and I think one of our nicest posters...and that she should be more self-confident because I usually find her posts quite positive and generous.
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That is excellent advice as it will provide the closest circumstances to an adoption. It has also been a route to the adoption of the foster child for some, sort of like a "test drive" for the real thing.
. I know that I have young kids, but my understanding is that since it can take years to adopt it may be wise to start now...especially as he is older at 33. I am also going to convince him to take tomorrow off since he doesn't need to be commuting through the blizzard.
