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All of the "rules" are fine when the service is held on a weekend or after work hours. If the funeral is held in the middle of the day during the workweek, people show up in their work attire. You are there to pay your respects. The family cares not what you are wearing. They are just glad to see you.
I have attended many funerals in the middle of a work day. It takes five minutes in the men's room to slip into my suit pants and a dress shirt, that I kept in a convenient place at work, or in my car. The suit coat is hanging on a hanger in my car and I put it on as I get out of the car at the funeral location. I tie my tie in the car. Show a little respect!
For that matter, when I've had desk jobs - always some sort of "business casual", I've often had colleagues come in wearing a suit - Hey, what's up Jim? Oh, going to a wake at 2:00. Oh, I see. And no more was said about it.
Honestly, the lengths people (especially men) will go to, to try to justify not wearing a suit and tie, are kind of ridiculous. It's a couple hours. You can't bring yourself to put on a suit? What's the matter with you?
This is a very strange statement.
Most professionals own dark and black suits, formal dress shirts, a black bow tie, and black patent leather shoes, even formal clothes because they attend gatherings that require formal attire.
Ever heard of formal dress code - white or black tie?
My son had to buy all that when he started adult life.
Those people aren't wait staff.
I think you might be surprised.
I'm a male in my late 30s, enjoy fashion, and own more suits than the average guy I know. And even then I have never owned a black suit.
Black suits have very narrow versatility. Anything that is a 'black tie' event, a Tuxedo would be appropriate and much more stylish. In the professional/work environment, a black suit comes off strange to me. A dark gray or navy suit almost always looks more fitting and professional in a work environment than a black suit. So, if I owned a black suit, it would basically only ever be worn to funerals. As such, it doesn't feel worth owning a black suit just for that purpose, especially since a dark gray or charcoal suit is suitably appropriate but can also be worn in personal life and professional life.
I will also note that I own a black (self tie! not pre-tied) bow tie because I own my own tux. However, most of my friends do not own their own bow tie. Or if they do, they aren't black (less formal, patterned bow ties). Believe it or not, I am one of the people guys in my group who own a tux! Most of them still rent them for the times they need them.
So, while I personally own many of the things you are talking about, it is definitely not guaranteed these days for guys I know even in their 30s. Probably even less so for guys in their 20s. In fact, my 20 year old nephew needed to dress up for an interview recently and he didn't own a single pair of dress shoes, nor a suit, nor a tie, and only had one casual blazer.
Last edited by Sunbather; 04-23-2024 at 09:43 AM..
I'm a male in my late 30s, enjoy fashion, and own more suits than the average guy I know. And even then I have never owned a black suit.
Black suits have very narrow versatility. Anything that is a 'black tie' event, a Tuxedo would be appropriate and much more stylish. In the professional/work environment, a black suit comes off strange to me. A dark gray or navy suit almost always looks more fitting and professional in a work environment than a black suit. So, if I owned a black suit, it would basically only ever be worn to funerals. As such, it doesn't feel worth owning a black suit just for that purpose, especially since a dark gray or charcoal suit is suitably appropriate but can also be worn in personal life and professional life.
I will also note that I own a black (self tie! not pre-tied) bow tie because I own my own tux. However, most of my friends do not own their own bow tie. Or if they do, they aren't black (less formal, patterned bow ties). Believe it or not, I am one of the people guys in my group who own a tux! Most of them still rent them for the times they need them.
So, while I personally own many of the things you are talking about, it is definitely not guaranteed these days for guys I know even in their 30s. Probably even less so for guys in their 20s. In fact, my 20 year old nephew needed to dress up for an interview recently and he didn't own a single pair of dress shoes, nor a suit, nor a tie, and only had one casual blazer.
Yeah a black suit/shoes, white shirt would absolutely peg you as a limo driver or waitstaff where I am. And patent leather shoes? I mean...no. It would be like walking around Target with a red polo shirt or Best Buy with a blue one.
I have charcoal and navy suits and a few sportcoats including a nice Italian superfine wool black one which I love.
I do agree that solid black suits outside of a funeral usual feel like service staff (waiter, limo driver, etc). Either that or they feel like a suit my parents would put me in as a little kid or something.
However, I can't tell if you're talking about patent leather period or just in the case of a funeral. I do own nice black patent leather shoes, but they are only worn with my tuxedo. As such, I would not wear them to a funeral. But patent leather as a whole has its place for black tie events. (My tuxedo is black but I have an alternate green velvet jacket in addition to the black one).
I do agree that solid black suits outside of a funeral usual feel like service staff (waiter, limo driver, etc).
However, I can't tell if you're talking about patent leather period or just in the case of a funeral.
IE: I do own nice black patent leather shoes, but they are only worn with my tuxedo. As such, I would not wear them to a funeral. But patent leather as a whole has its place for black tie events.
Only with a tux and even that can give off a rental vibe.
Only with a tux and even that can give off a rental vibe.
What shoes do you consider appropriate for a tuxedo then?
I have a custom-tailored tuxedo and a nice pair of Allen Edmonds patent leather shoes. Definitely not rental. I attend maybe 2-3 black tie events a year (maybe 1 wedding and 1-2 museum galas usually) but I'd say about 90% of the men are wearing patent leather.
There are other options that can work for black tie but they are less common and depend on the type of tux being worn. But patent leather is the most classic black tie look to me.
In either case, a tuxedo and patent leather are not appropriate at most funerals I've been to. That being said, being present is often the most important. So if that's all someone had to wear, so be it.
Last edited by Sunbather; 04-23-2024 at 11:18 AM..
This is a very strange statement.
Most professionals own dark and black suits, formal dress shirts, a black bow tie, and black patent leather shoes, even formal clothes because they attend gatherings that require formal attire.
Ever heard of formal dress code - white or black tie?
My son had to buy all that when he started adult life.
Those people aren't wait staff.
I couldn't imagine wearing a black suit in a corporate environment. Quite frankly, if I saw someone in one I'd chalk it up to a lack of sartorial knowledge or being a bit wet behind the ears. Navy is as dark as a suit should go. And if I'm wearing black tie, I'm wearing a dinner suit/tuxedo not a lounge/business suit. I cannot remember the last time I had to wear mine though. Unless it's a state dinner who is wearing white tie?
So yes, black suits are for waiters. Although in Asia, they seem to be accepted corporate dress.
ETA: I just wear plain old oxfords with a dinner suit. Patent leather is a bit OTT.
Haven’t been to an actual funeral in quite a while, but have been to a few wakes. Where I live (south Louisiana) pretty much anything goes. Seems most other than family have no problem wearing jeans, untucked buttoned shirts, polos. Very casual.
Attire is a function of where you are and local conditions.
When my DH died in Florida, I told people that it was too hot and humid to wear suits, jackets, or ties. I said Florida business casual was the appropriate apparel.
I don't think my DH was upset that I wore Lands' End to his funeral: light colored capris with a short-sleeved polo shirt.
Attire is a function of where you are and local conditions.
When my DH died in Florida, I told people that it was too hot and humid to wear suits, jackets, or ties. I said Florida business casual was the appropriate apparel.
I don't think my DH was upset that I wore Lands' End to his funeral: light colored capris with a short-sleeved polo shirt.
context and location are always key!
I have also been to more casual wakes and funerals. And, if they specifically say to be casual, I don't dress up the same. If someone does not note anything about dress code, I typically will wear a dark suit.
But I completely agree that some people specify casual and when that is the case, I respect their family's wishes because that is who we are honoring anyway!
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