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No doubt living with elderly parents/relatives is the best thing to do, but unfortunately it’s not always possible. Sometimes its on family level (yep, some families are not very close to each other), and sometimes it’s just impossible because children have their children and evengrandkids to care for. Sometimes elderly people are hard to deal with. If some people who was so strict about what is best and only option never deal with elderly people with dementia it’s really good for them. It’s a totally new problem that goes out of control, and affect everyone’s involved lives… Do not judge or label what is normal and what is not.
Selling homestead to spend this money within a year on nursing home and have nothing left is not the best decision simply because only option might be to move in with elderly parent to watch after him later on in life. And moving where exactly? House should be kept for last in my opinion.
My mom was in assistant living home, I mean in the same facility, but in rehabilitation half of the building. She had to share most amenities with other residents. Not the best and definitely not the worst inTampa Bay area I am sure. I will not sugar coat it, that place was nothing close to home. I am not surprised elderly people feel depressed in places like that, so living at home is a better option assuming you can either help out or hire someone to help. In OP case I am not sure it’s an option. I still feel asking for gov. assistant is the best option. After being permanent resident with green card for 5+ years, the benefits are the same as for citizens. I see alot of people who abuse the system to get money from gov., so I rather see it going towards elderly man who worked hard his entire life.
His limitations are he cant walk,he cant hear without some device, he is in his home alone with occasional visits from my brother who lives 45 minutes away.,he can get around the house on his scooter but he has fallen 3X in the last month and has been saved by his "Help i've fallen and cant get up "button. this last time he broke his hip and is now in rehab till the operation heals, when he comes out home care is the first order of business.
It is not fair to judge others by your own circumstance......well off and retired.
What if you were in your prime earning years?
What if you were single?
What if you had young children still at home?
Would you quit your job and lose all of your income to care for a parent?
In my case, I would have had to give up a well paying job with a pension, would have lost all of my income and then found my self trying to reenter the workforce at 50.
You are also overlooking how very ill and hard to handle some elderly can become.
For instance, some people with end stage Alzheimer's become violent, very violent. It can literally take at least three or four strong people to handle them.
I don't care how good your intentions, those people cannot be cared for at home by one or two people who are no longer in the prime of life themselves or have children of their own in the home.
Just count yourself lucky that you were retired and didn't have to lose all of your income to care for a parent, there were two of you and your parent could be handled in a home setting without hiring a third or fourth hand to be there 24/7.
In the 1980's when I was at the height of my career and working 10 hours a day (plus a 2 hour RT commute), my father's struggle with black lung left him with very little energy or ability to care for himself. He was a coal miner, so you can see I do not come from a wealthy family.
Both parents were in their late 70s and caring for my father was literally killing my mother. My sibling and I offered to pay for help, but they refused (my mother had cared for her mother through strokes and dementia, taking a leave of absence with no pay for almost a year from her factory work).
My sibling was far afield (CA). So, I brought a suitcase to my office every Friday and drove SIX hours after work to where they lived (through the mountains, in snow, ice in winters) after work. Spent Fri. and Sat. nights there giving my mother a break. Would drive those 6 hours back to DC on Sunday after lunch. I did this for 2 1/2 years, without fail. FWIW: I was not the apple of either of my parent's eyes...I was a flower-child in a town where that wasn't exactly kosher back in the late 60s. My relationship with my parents was turbulent through my teens and college and never fully recovered.
But as a person, as a member of family (albeit somewhat dysfunctional family), it's obvious when someone needs help. You either step up to the plate, or you whine and make excuses. My being gone every weekend for a few years took a toll on my marriage at that time. Though as my husband's parents aged and he dealt with their issues, he understood why I had done what I did for mine (his parents were 10-15 years younger than mine) and if possible, he was looked at as a bigger 'black sheep' by his parents than mine). It also took a toll on me, and my career...there was no doubt I was not 100% focused on work at that time.
I'm not running for martyr....I have plenty of friends who have done the same, and more. A few while raising kids (or grandkids). I have never heard such selfish, entitled grown kids as on this thread.
What brought you to the conclusion that "selfish, entitled grown kids" have posted a word on this thread?
The OP inquired as to whether or not his parent had to give up everything they own in order to qualify for Medicaid and a nursing home paid for by Medicaid.
The answer to the OP's question was answered in that Florida Medicaid wont force a person to sell their homestead if it has a value less than $500k or so.
This has nothing to do with the sacrifices your family made, i.e. spending $250k, your heroic efforts to spend weekends with them, etc. For those efforts I am, sure you feel contentment for doing all you did.
The bottom, line here is not the efforts made in an elderly parents final years, but is a question of how much of a bite does Medicaid take from a person.
If the patient has countable assets over $2,000 they must forfeit those assets. The Florida Constitution respects the homestead of its citizens and has, over the years, taken all efforts to retain that respect.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dothetwist
In the 1980's when I was at the height of my career and working 10 hours a day (plus a 2 hour RT commute), my father's struggle with black lung left him with very little energy or ability to care for himself. He was a coal miner, so you can see I do not come from a wealthy family.
Both parents were in their late 70s and caring for my father was literally killing my mother. My sibling and I offered to pay for help, but they refused (my mother had cared for her mother through strokes and dementia, taking a leave of absence with no pay for almost a year from her factory work).
My sibling was far afield (CA). So, I brought a suitcase to my office every Friday and drove SIX hours after work to where they lived (through the mountains, in snow, ice in winters) after work. Spent Fri. and Sat. nights there giving my mother a break. Would drive those 6 hours back to DC on Sunday after lunch. I did this for 2 1/2 years, without fail. FWIW: I was not the apple of either of my parent's eyes...I was a flower-child in a town where that wasn't exactly kosher back in the late 60s. My relationship with my parents was turbulent through my teens and college and never fully recovered.
But as a person, as a member of family (albeit somewhat dysfunctional family), it's obvious when someone needs help. You either step up to the plate, or you whine and make excuses. My being gone every weekend for a few years took a toll on my marriage at that time. Though as my husband's parents aged and he dealt with their issues, he understood why I had done what I did for mine (his parents were 10-15 years younger than mine) and if possible, he was looked at as a bigger 'black sheep' by his parents than mine). It also took a toll on me, and my career...there was no doubt I was not 100% focused on work at that time.
I'm not running for martyr....I have plenty of friends who have done the same, and more. A few while raising kids (or grandkids). I have never heard such selfish, entitled grown kids as on this thread.
In the 1980's when I was at the height of my career and working 10 hours a day (plus a 2 hour RT commute), my father's struggle with black lung left him with very little energy or ability to care for himself. He was a coal miner, so you can see I do not come from a wealthy family.
Both parents were in their late 70s and caring for my father was literally killing my mother. My sibling and I offered to pay for help, but they refused (my mother had cared for her mother through strokes and dementia, taking a leave of absence with no pay for almost a year from her factory work).
My sibling was far afield (CA). So, I brought a suitcase to my office every Friday and drove SIX hours after work to where they lived (through the mountains, in snow, ice in winters) after work. Spent Fri. and Sat. nights there giving my mother a break. Would drive those 6 hours back to DC on Sunday after lunch. I did this for 2 1/2 years, without fail. FWIW: I was not the apple of either of my parent's eyes...I was a flower-child in a town where that wasn't exactly kosher back in the late 60s. My relationship with my parents was turbulent through my teens and college and never fully recovered.
But as a person, as a member of family (albeit somewhat dysfunctional family), it's obvious when someone needs help. You either step up to the plate, or you whine and make excuses. My being gone every weekend for a few years took a toll on my marriage at that time. Though as my husband's parents aged and he dealt with their issues, he understood why I had done what I did for mine (his parents were 10-15 years younger than mine) and if possible, he was looked at as a bigger 'black sheep' by his parents than mine). It also took a toll on me, and my career...there was no doubt I was not 100% focused on work at that time.
I'm not running for martyr....I have plenty of friends who have done the same, and more. A few while raising kids (or grandkids). I have never heard such selfish, entitled grown kids as on this thread.
So you spent the weekend helping them.
What if they needed you everyday, 24/7? What if they could not be left alone for even 5 minutes?
What if you were single, would you have quit your job to take care of them? How would you pay your bills? What if you had children? How would you pay to take care of them? How would you take care of them at all if you couldn't leave your father alone? Take them to school, go to the store, go to the doctor, go to school functions, take them on play dates? Remember, there is no money to hire help and you have no siblings.
What if your father was so far into dementia that you never knew from one minute to the next if he would hall off and punch your mother with all his might for no reason at all? What if you had a young child and he decided to punch one of them? Do you have any idea how strong they can be? How much damage they could do? What if he started a fire?
What would you do? Risk their health and their lives to keep your father at home? Stand guard over him every second of the day?
You just look at your circumstance and pass judgment and that is so wrong.
You need to go into a nursing home and see what it takes to care for the seriously ill or the seriously demented. Ever try to lift dead weight out of a bed, all by yourself? How about someone who is fighting you tooth and nail? Punching, hitting, kicking, biting?
You don't have a clue and are in no place to pass judgment.
You just look at your circumstance and pass judgment and that is so wrong.
+100000!
I agree with Annie. Judging and calling anyone selfish based on personal rather limited experience is out of line here. Do whatever you feel is best for your family, but don't assume its the only right choice.
+100000!
I agree with Annie. Judging and calling anyone selfish based on personal rather limited experience is out of line here. Do whatever you feel is best for your family, but don't assume its the only right choice.
If it makes them feel better that they made the "right choice" ........
I think most people here are putting the cart before the horse. The first thing is figuring out the most appropriate care for the OP's father. In home care - an ALF - or a SNF. In this regard - the most important issue is probably the extent of the father's lack of mobility. The OP said "he can't walk". This is probably not 100% correct.
The first thing I'd do if I were in the OP's situation is to have his father evaluated. I personally would do this through a home health care agency. See if he can get by with care at home. I would also evaluate his house for "handicap upgrades". Hand rails. Grab bars. Etc. Especially in the bathroom. I think it's likely that upgrading the house - and getting some home help will work. As opposed to jumping straight into a skilled nursing facility (which seems like a bit of overkill to me). Robyn
P.S. I'd also make sure he has a decent set of hearing aids.
I think most people here are putting the cart before the horse. The first thing is figuring out the most appropriate care for the OP's father. In home care - an ALF - or a SNF. In this regard - the most important issue is probably the extent of the father's lack of mobility. The OP said "he can't walk". This is probably not 100% correct.
The first thing I'd do if I were in the OP's situation is to have his father evaluated. I personally would do this through a home health care agency. See if he can get by with care at home. I would also evaluate his house for "handicap upgrades". Hand rails. Grab bars. Etc. Especially in the bathroom. I think it's likely that upgrading the house - and getting some home help will work. As opposed to jumping straight into a skilled nursing facility (which seems like a bit of overkill to me). Robyn
P.S. I'd also make sure he has a decent set of hearing aids.
OP's later posted:
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101
His limitations are he cant walk,he cant hear without some device, he is in his home alone with occasional visits from my brother who lives 45 minutes away.,he can get around the house on his scooter but he has fallen 3X in the last month and has been saved by his "Help i've fallen and cant get up "button. this last time he broke his hip and is now in rehab till the operation heals, when he comes out home care is the first order of business.
No - I didn't miss the post at all. The OP's father has extremely limited mobility and is hard of hearing. Which is very typical of many/most people his age. I guess you could go into a skilled nursing facility with those conditions - but most people would be pretty miserable doing so. Ditto when it comes to an ALF.
If I had to guess - the father's house hasn't been upgraded to deal with his limited mobility. Nor does he have much if anything in the way of help to deal with things like meals - cleaning - laundry - etc. So I would definitely look at those things first. FWIW - my father is 98 - and is in the same boat. He is still living in a senior independent living place (a 2 bedroom apartment). Where he gets meals (served in a communal dining room) - cleaning services - some transportation services - etc. as part of his rent. He pays extra for some "extras" (like help with laundry and trips to the grocery store). If the OP's father was going to move - this is the kind of place I would recommend looking into first. Keeping in mind that although they're less expensive than SNFs and ALFs - they aren't cheap. And that Medicaid doesn't pay for them at all. Robyn
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