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Location: Formerly Pleasanton Ca, now in Marietta Ga
10,345 posts, read 8,559,492 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
For me, if I ever decided to go back to school, whether to complete a degree or not, it would be about learning something. Sounds crazy, eh?
Actually no. The joy of learning something you are passionate about rather than having to do because you need a degree sounds great and quite enjoyable. I remember in college disagreeing with a few teachers got me poor grades. Parroting them got good grades. To take a class and not have any pressure to conform and freely discuss sounds awesome.
Guess I woke up chatty this morning. I'd like to say something about loneliness too. It's something that's difficult for me to talk about so I was glad to see it had been mentioned as a common problem for us elders.
It's only been recently that I have been able to admit it out loud. And since doing so I've realized something about my loneliness. Yes, it is loneliness, but more than that it's actually grief for what I've lost that makes me feel lonely. I miss the generational holiday meals with relatives, camaraderie of motorcycling friends, the old home places, the atmosphere and people of favorite bars and restaurants, rock concerts and the classroom. And I especially miss the growing number of friends who have taken their last breaths.
It's truly a disappointment to live the rest of my life with this lonesomeness. I didn't expect to ever feel this sense of loss.
Most remarkable is that it can't be soothed with new experiences or new acquaintances. It genuinely is grief more than loneliness.
I think that fits in with a sense of failure that I can't live "happily ever after." And I think I still have some work to do on false beliefs about what feeling lonesome means about who I am. In the meantime, while I come to peace with it, kitties help.
Good post. I can relate except for the motorcycle part. It has been jolting the past few years to realize that family holidays are now and forever a thing of the past, but I resolved to just be glad for the memories of the good ones I had. As a matter of fact, my 31-year-old daughter had texted me that she had realized with shock that she had nowhere to go on Christmas this year, but she ended up having dinner out with friends who had nowhere, either. So, now she and I have talked about possibly spending next Christmas on vacation in a warm place. New tradition?
I also badly miss kitties. For most of the early-mid 20-teens, it was me living alone with four cats, then three, then two, then relocating the last one with me to another's home, but he has been gone for two years. I am far from home, in a house not mine, and there is a big fat mean ol cat here with whom I have developed a wary relationship, but I miss having my own cats. Someday again, I hope.
Yes, there is grief, lots of it. A conga line of death and loss has danced by over the past three years. Life will never be the same, and the holes can't be filled by others. That's the reality of older age, I now know.
I missed pretty much all of life's milestones. I was never close to marriage, never had children, didn't choose a good-paying career, and so on. I'm not sure I ever had dreams. I have to find the small pleasantries, being outside on an above-average day in winter, for example, or a slow day where I can drink coffee and read something. Most of my Facebook feed is photos of families, kids in sports, graduations, vacations.
If I had to do it over, though, I wouldn't change my personality or weird interests. As minor as it seems, I would choose to be better at math/computer science (for $$).
I missed pretty much all of life's milestones. I was never close to marriage, never had children, didn't choose a good-paying career, and so on. I'm not sure I ever had dreams. I have to find the small pleasantries, being outside on an above-average day in winter, for example, or a slow day where I can drink coffee and read something. Most of my Facebook feed is photos of families, kids in sports, graduations, vacations.
If I had to do it over, though, I wouldn't change my personality or weird interests. As minor as it seems, I would choose to be better at math/computer science (for $$).
That's a regret I have, that I didn't learn math. I actually COULDN'T learn math (talking basic algebra here, not arithmetic, which I'm fine with), which is why I never got a college degree. I stopped going to night school when I failed the remedial class that was the prerequisite for taking the math class required as part of any degree program.
But I worked all my life in the engineering industry and loved it. Loved watching things be designed and get built, loved finding out the trivia about how they did something. If I had the math capability, I might have gone back to school and become an engineer. Instead, I was good at writing, and there are a lot of documents involved in engineering. They need scopes of work and RFPs and proposals written.
^^^^
Social media can certainly make one feel left out of the things posted.
I just scroll past the family/grandchildren pictures. I am happy for my friends for whom that is their world, but I cannot relate to their lives anymore than I can the one old friend who goes to soap opera conventions and posts pictures of herself with "stars" I never heard of. Just not part of my world.
Many people find ways to re-frame their disappointments/regrets after hearing they aren't alone. Others share their shoes. How others have found ways to put them to rest helps.
How do I know it was a “disappointment?” My story isn’t over.
Those of you over 60, how do you cope with the stress of major goals you have/ had, and failure to achieve them? (If you do not have any goals then it doesn't matter.)
Goals such as marriage-, higher education, career achievement, money, even love. I do NOT mean buying a new car or making more friends, or getting fit or vacationing.
HOPE you can say, but you yourself may know when it is time to forget about it .Lower expectations? Sure, but what if your expectations are already very low. The old saying be happy you have your health doesn't work.
Well for one thing, goals change throughout life. Doesn't mean we failed to achieve anything, just that what we thought we wanted at 12 is different than 18 is different than 25 and so on. Other than that, as long as I'm breathing, I haven't failed yet, there's still time.
I belong to a Facebook group for my high school's graduating class. I think we've lost about 10% so far. Our quarterback had a heart attack, I think. A neighbor I knew fairly well was killed in hit and run type situation. A suicide. One with ovarian cancer. Another with brain cancer. And more. So there's the "Any day above ground is a good day" angle.
If I had gone this direction or that, would it have mattered? Comedian Paula Poundstone had a joke about how they were making a movie about her life, along the lines of "It's a Wonderful Life." The difference was that it turned out many people's lives would have been better, and the angel was forced to apologize. Honestly, we made the choices we did but everybody screws up.
One important lesson that I've learned is to be happy with what you have. Enjoy it, because others wish they had it. Another is that whatever you have, you aren't taking it with you when you die. Stop collecting things and start collecting experiences. And transform your wishes into something achievable and work toward it. If your thing was to become an astronaut and you didn't make it, maybe become an expert and start a blog or podcast.
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