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We have a LOT of animated discussions in my family over this very same subject. The men in my family don't think the woman is doing any harm. My mother and I take the other road in this.
It's a gender thing, I think.
It's classic passive aggression. That's a move girls perfect in middle school. These same people are always the most defensive and quick to defend their supposedly hurt feelings and honor!
My father has never been the soul of tact, but when I passed the Series 7 (a six-hour, 300 question exam to obtain a stockbroker's license) his response was: "Wow, that's great! And here I thought you'd never amount to anything!" Gee, thanks, Dad!
I've given up trying to call him on this. He just doesn't get it. He really doesn't see how rude and hurtful such comments can be. Here's another example: My son is in some major debt due to a misguided car purchase (the car keeps breaking down). My dad e-mailed me this: "He must have done something terrible in a past life to have all these financial woes now." Huh?! Say what?
I think the widely used "compliment" "you look good for your age" is also a backhanded compliment. It can definitely stop at "good" if you want the person to really feel good about it.
Last night we ran into one of our friends. She would do anything for you, but she's not the most diplomatic person in the world. She was talking to an older woman, someone she's known for years, and the woman was talking about how she had just tried a new hairstyle and wasn't sure if it looked good on her or not.
Our friend told her it did. It kind of went back and forth like that for a minute. Then our friend says, "Honestly, it looks better than it has in years."
I was cringing inside. And the woman kind of paused and looked at our friend. It was almost comical. I felt bad for the woman, but she handled it very graciously and glossed over it.
LOL, do you know someone like this? Not someone who intentionally insults someone, but they just tend to blurt things out or are brutally honest? Have they dished out a particularly stinging backhanded compliment to you?
Oh YES. I once had a friend who would do that constantly. Some of the underhanded slaps I got were: "You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you." "Oh! I didn't realize it was you coming up the steps, you look so nice." And then when I made a two-hour trip to attend her brother's funeral: "I was surprised to see you in the church. I didn't expect to see you here."
I eventually dumped her as a friend at a time when I was shedding other negatives from my life, including my husband. I found out that on the day our divorce went through, she and her husband had him over for dinner and listened to him whine and cry about how I had done him so wrong. (He was an alcoholic, gambling-addicted, drug user who refused to work regularly.)
Every so often I hear from someone else that she doesn't understand why I don't contact her anymore, especially since she was my "best friend".
I find that people who claim to be brutally honest use honesty as an excuse to be offensive and insolent. I've met several people like that. Can't stand to be around them. I'm fine with honesty if it is constructive, respectful and sincere. I can spot a fake a mile away.
Oh, I agree. It's a way for them to be nasty but if you called them on it, they can look at you wide-eyed and say, "But all I said was..."
My father has never been the soul of tact, but when I passed the Series 7 (a six-hour, 300 question exam to obtain a stockbroker's license) his response was: "Wow, that's great! And here I thought you'd never amount to anything!" Gee, thanks, Dad!
I've given up trying to call him on this. He just doesn't get it. He really doesn't see how rude and hurtful such comments can be. Here's another example: My son is in some major debt due to a misguided car purchase (the car keeps breaking down). My dad e-mailed me this: "He must have done something terrible in a past life to have all these financial woes now." Huh?! Say what?
THANKS, you just brought back a parental memory. When I was young I went on a date with a guy who was really good-looking, but he turned out to be a jerk. I barely knew him, but everything I said he replied to with a sarcastic put-down...I got out of the car and walked a couple of miles to my grandmother's house, where I knew my mother was that night. When I got there I told her what had happened and her response was, "Oh that's great. And here I always thought you'd be such a pushover when it comes to men."
One time my buddy and I were ice fishing and the ice looked a little thin. I told him to go first because if it will hold you, it sure should be able to hold me? My buddy is over 300 pounds. He gestured with "The Bird"!LOL.......
LOL, I think it's different with guys. My dad and a buddy of his will trade insults on who's wearing the ugliest, out-of-date shirt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001
SoG, I can see how your friend meant to say one thing, and came up with another. For example, I think she might have tried to convince her friend that her hairstyle was bi*ching, but wasn't sure how to express it properly, so she went too far and said she hadn't looked that great in ages. I often make such mistakes myself. I don't really know why though. I guess I sometimes talk before I think, myself. But no harm is meant. On the other hand, if the woman in question is always saying stuff like that, then she is doing it on purpose. And it could be due to envy. One must decipher which one she is.
Yes, like I said, they were going back and forth for a minute, so I think she was just trying to emphatically convince her that it looked nice - that's when the bomb dropped.
And I think we all do this sometimes. I'll think back on something I said, later, and cringe, wondering how they received it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart
Oh my gosh, I have done similar things but meant absolutely no harm in it...
Yes, see above statement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
Oh YES. I once had a friend who would do that constantly. Some of the underhanded slaps I got were: "You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you." "Oh! I didn't realize it was you coming up the steps, you look so nice." And then when I made a two-hour trip to attend her brother's funeral: "I was surprised to see you in the church. I didn't expect to see you here."
I eventually dumped her as a friend at a time when I was shedding other negatives from my life, including my husband. I found out that on the day our divorce went through, she and her husband had him over for dinner and listened to him whine and cry about how I had done him so wrong. (He was an alcoholic, gambling-addicted, drug user who refused to work regularly.)
Every so often I hear from someone else that she doesn't understand why I don't contact her anymore, especially since she was my "best friend".
Wow, good riddance, huh?
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