Hi I thought I'd join. This is a long one. Grab a Java.
I am living far from home so I do not have support when I need it. I need something....
To put things into perspective, we are both in a mature relationship, 30 somethings. I was hoping we would marry this year, I think she was hoping last year or before, we would be married.
My girlfriend and I are common law technical though not legally recognized -we are in Asia, she is Asian. We have been together for 6 and a half years. I have been living with her family for 5 or so years. She told me during an argument that she wanted to move which I didn't take for serious because I've heard before. Since English is not her first language, during fights, she will just say something to intentionally hurt. Sometimes that is way over the line, but for her English has sometimes no meaning, esp. at times of fighting. I explain this, because I have heard this move-out hurt ploy before and she was apologetic and reaffirmed that she just angry and being stupid.
Well the beginning of last month these words came out again, and other nasty's... unfortunately, we both have got in a swearing pattern over the years during arguments..... Since this last time she is sure that this isn't a game or a hurt ploy, that she wants to try to start over or just end up ---it changes--- not sure yet.
I mean, this is very recent, like LAST night. I know it was silly, but I stayed up all night -couldn't sleep- had to work like a zombie today. Called the folks overseas... they love her, but said to find an apartment and take a break for awhile. The whole, " on-a-break" thing freaks me out... I mean, the TV show friends, past experiences, stories etc... It never ceases to amaze me how the " take a break apart for while -bandaid-advice" pops up as the panacea for a wretched heart.
I suppose it is meant to be for healthy advice for a situation stuck in traction.
Back to it: When she first brought this up my reaction was shock, defensive and anger/pride. For me to move out, the 2 months rent, damage deposit, ultilities, phone, parking, buy a scooter ( I've been using her family's extra since my old one died) is easily going to cost 3500-4500 USD to get up and going. Not to mention, just finding a place..... then cleaning, moving.... really sucks. Now I am just inquiring who and where I can look to find a professional to help me find a flat.
Going back last month, was the worst I have seen her or close to. Not really in the verbal abuse per se, but just general apathy and no patience and a seemingly self trained lazer-beam-like negativity whenever tried to talk to her... basically instantly antagonistic and abrasive. This was especially wrenching because, though I had kept to myself in defense and relationship preservation I kept my heart positive albeit the mind wandered from confused, to angry to defensive etc... I had tried to approach her to hang out..... it has been at least 2 months since we haven't and 3 or more since we were last intimate ( I was respectfully waiting for her mood....) Anyway, when I approached her to hang out, I was greeted by a grumpy shell of the girl I knew.
She claimed I startled her ( hates to be startled) or that she busy or that I am bothering her ( she has OCD in cleaning /arranging).
My girl isn't a monster, though at times of her temper ( one would say she is a bit of a priss I guess - wealthy family, used to getting her way) is not cool. She often cooks for me, always does the laundry and cleans house for the whole family. Huge house and big family. This is a nice thing she does at a inhuman level of standard fueled by her anxiety. She beats everyone to the cleaning or she will just do it again anyway, so everyone has given up convincing her and everyone just lets her carry on with the cleaning. I gotta admit I have to. Especially since the level fastidiousness is not normal and being criticized for be a sloppy cleaner and not really being a help rather a hinderance - I guess I gave up that, too. Anecdote: I made her breakfast in bed 6 years ago, at the beginning and she flipped out. I learned quickly her anxiety / OCD of dirt or food ( crumbs etc) gets her goat. Needless to say, BB wasn't served again.
For 6 + years, all of our arguments have been created based on her anger when I have tried to reason with her and dissuade her from cleaning or her discontentment toward me or everybody ( which iin both cases, I heard it being the romantic link/crutch in her life). Anyway, ALL of the fights that has me to my new shi##ty reality ( to move out) have been stemmed from her drive to carry out her OCD. Anyone who knows ANYONE with OCD, stand in their way as to prevent them to carry out the compulsion ( relief) leads to panic and anger, usually anger and threats. While I have never physically stopped her from cleaning, though I wanted... (tears me up, seeing her waste her youth --- 3 and often 4, 5 hours a day of total rituallist cleaning) I never did. I have told her what she doing is unnecessary suggested she try to face her demons -not give in to the panic etc... but that made her angry. Also makes angry daily, especially last 5-8 months if I am around ( in the room ) whenever she wants to clean a room. Well, many times I was busy doing something on the computer etc and a sigh from me, well that could spark it.
Moving along, we have both had HORRIBLE night hawk routines. It began going to sleep at 2 am which led to going to bed regularly at 4 to 5am and my girl was ALWAYS, because to would follow my trail so to speak to do a final clean before she slept. Something that relieves her panic.... Since February, the all nighters ( I should mention we both work last evening shift work) I would see her STILL awake on the computer to 7 and 8am. Crazy as this sounds, it wasn't obsessive related. It was her fun time. Something she hadn't had a lot of time for since the OCD cleaning has been taking more and more of her free time.
Now of course, the irony of it all, is that this fun time ( she would tell something she really liked and ordered online etc) led to her sleeping in further. Which also means, no real sun exposure, that means no vitamin D production and that means slow creeping depression and irritability. Now followed her many a time, she was her old these times, and fun... and so I went to bed at bizarre hours. Fortunately, I seem to be able to handle that irregularly routine with less side effects ( irritability) than she. During this "late" time she would feel happy to prepare snacks, watch a movie or tv and enjoy herself. Hard to tell her "NO" go to bed, let's get up super early and go hiking. Impossible. I mean, I could she just wanted to be happy and she was happy I was spending it with her. Some bizarre semblance or should I say a derivative to normalize and decompress.... However, I could see the irritability sky rocket when I started a morning job. I STILL tried to accomodate her with the " hang out" time, going to bed at 2 or 3 then up at 8 am work and come home for a nap before the next night shift ( till 9:30pm). THat worked a couple weeks. However, she has a VERY hard time fall asleep if woken and to make it worse, she can wake so easily. it is amazing. So the sound of a door knob is enough to make it snarl in a grumpy state. So in essence, I was now "rocking the boat." Interfering with her sleep and thus aggravating her because she was unable to take charge and decide that she had change her late night routine to obscenely late ( early) and SHE was the one who NEEDED to change. Man, I was working. I had a normal excuse for the disruption.
Fast forward: I can see in the last week or so, she really trying to change. Going to bed and all her cleaning 1-3 hours earlier. It is encouraging, but it is still way too late of course.
My point to of the whole routine thing, is this: Habits influence temper/mental health etc. She has been unrelenting in her scorn. Unable to stop herself from going to far in hurtful words or just plain not giving up .... like it was a game. Maybe the anger or the witty insults made her feel more alive, different from her zombie state (sleep routine induced)
Our last big fight, I told her to go sleep her original bedroom. She always found this offensive. A cultural thing? I don't know. In my culture, sometimes one is sleeping on the couch so to speak. Well this was not the case at all, it is her original bedroom, all through childhood, as opposed to the bedroom we created together -bought furniture etc -kinda like a bachelor suite feel, her parents house is very big. She told last time, if I told her to go sleep in the other room again, she would NEVER come back to sleep with me. She likes making rules. I didn't care, the pillow was out. Her room has a lot windows, very bright come sun up. Whereas the room I am typing in, the other bedroom has none, it is dark unless a light is on. So my girlfriend, knows that it would be tough sleeping in daylight since she was going to bed way too late. You'd think that clue most people into changing their routine radically? But no, but she is least making it to her room before sunrise. We are the vampires. Ironically, much of the reason the even LATER Shift in her sleep routine has been from her novel interests : the Twilight Series. Then reading the English versions, albeit much slower. So, now that she is the only vampire so to speak, she feels alone and she is more moody.
Last, my girlfriend's young sister got married ( albeit has stalled the Asian groom for7? or more years because she wasn't even sure if she wanted him or not -whole other thing) AND she is pregnant.. All this past 14 months! Well, my girl is more depressed realizing that we weren't married yet, she doesn't have a child yet. First, noticed after her sis' wedding, and then March this yea, again, this time more quietly depressed after she learned that her sister is pregnant. This added to mix, led her to question our relationship and act WITHDRAWN at times... However, this mood or state of being makes it VERY hard to pop the question, no?
Putting it all together. It has been complex, I know. I haven't bothered to state all the great moments, vacations, memories with her family and my family....
The extreme niceties done for me. Frankly, I don't want to think about it right now, I wanna keep it together. . . . . . .. I will say, everyone has called us the super couple, perfect couple, lucky etc, but not so much now. .. . . Our sleeping routines both must change, up in the day time, fight against vampire-induced depression ( figuratively...) I hope she comes to see that she doesn't need to stubbornly uphold her word on silly things like with " if she is kicked out , to sleep in her old bedroom -she will never come back to me" .... I hope she sees that these silly rules set up to protect her feelings only make her more withdrawn and distant. Her ego is very strong. She has always told in the beginning how she feels it is so pathetic how some girls are such push overs and she doesn't respect that. She told me she will always fight back and not be push over. True. She never lied. However, she often is misreading and or fighting back at the wrong time or situation.
Add-on, her depressive view that she thought she would be married first and have baby first.... I assume she holds me to blame secretly. The OCD and cleaning routing, slated at the vampire hours, reinforcing the late nights. Just as important is her OCD getting to her, slowly becoming aware of how it is DRAINING her. Also, I was the first to tell and explain what OCD was. Before me she hadn't a clear idea what it was. That simplier time made it easier for her to deal with, she says. Maybe? But every damn psych book to self help book I have every read, states generally: define, acceptance, and dealing in small progressive steps. Well she has conveyed resentment that I defined her OCD and she doesn't truly accept it. Her OCD happends to be constructive and makes every here happy at times. However, time spent and irritability and controlling requests and complaints are the side effects, too. so...... . . . . . . . Last, feeling her OCD is not really OCD and it is justifed brings her a false sense of confidence and also not wanting to be a push over, she over-compensates by basically being confrontational, abrasive and unrelentless at times, since March this year. Typing this out is helping me define problems' cause and effect, too.
Since she slept in her old room that night, since has been there still - some 40 + days... That night, aside from potty mouth -us both- she threw in the " move out" jab. However, she as been sticking to that. Since going back to her old room, true to form, she has withdrawn emotionally and basically not tried or been willing to talk. I never seen this from her. Actually, that last fight, where I kicked her out of this room, was her fault -looking for a fight and persisting at 5 ot 6 am! Anyway, normally she'd have the sense to apologize after a day or so after any fight or sooner... not this time, no apologies. She avoiding me in a way. Still very helpful and polite but not connected with me. She snaps into a cruel person if I ask anything about our relationship, doesn't want to talk, " words become cold" I don't care, we're done, etc So I went away for 3 days last month. I have also been avoiding communication since it has ALSO no worked via SMS, email or other artistic/romantic mediums. Me being off work for 2 weeks last month -summer holidays- made her angry I didn't do anthing -----of course I didn't, I am was very depressed.... hid in my Cave (-this room)so to speak.
She has become more and more disrespectful, showing contempt, in some insults and her visage. Often looking for an argument or reason to complain/insult me for 2 months or so. So I have trying to avoid that, approach her times for a movie or dinner or ask her how she is feeling, all to no avail. I mean, much colder than ever before, basically stating she doesn't care to fix US. However, I can STILL still she is NOT being herself, she is extremely touchy, moody, depressed, unyielding-over reacting anger. Basically, these 2 months were hell. True. I never gave up, because despite the tangential barrage she could deliver into the fray, it isn't really her... . . I wrote her lyrics to potential new song(s), I kept positive during her insults save for 2 or three times. I can also put up so much before I need to defend myself or just give in to anger/frustration all at night of course because my vampire sleeps till 3 or 4 pm then she off to work. So basically basically, it has been a waiting game, keeping positive through depression, telling her not to throw away 7 years... all because her entrapping sleep routine, depression and lack of REAL communication. I tried to reason with her that shouldn't she first try to tackle one or two immediate areas that is preventing her from feeling NORMAL. How can ANYONE communicate maturely and respectfully when they do not feel themselves... Anyone will argue into the point of getting surreal at 5 am..... it is a natural sleeping time. Our brains are wired that way.
However, everything I suggested isn't welcomed... she doesn't want to hear. As if I were her enemy... all this attitude was built up in her mind over the 40 days... I finally had enough of her negativity and things came to the proverbial head. It wasn't a yelling match either. Her aunt arrived late 1:30 -a lot of her family members are night hawks, and she made some apathetic comment about us being finished -in the past, she has threatened this type of stuff, too.
BTW:[Her mom, has told her in her native tonque -that is her, she has a bad temper, don't ruminate over this, things will be ok soon, you'll see. I mean that came from her mom. THat being said, she is daddy's girl- who's strong minded. So most of her family put up with her rants except her father; albeit her rants her never as relentless as they were with me or near as insulting. ]
So after calling out in the open - her aunt's got the gift of gab, it was serious. I was scared. My life as I know it, our dreams, all changed? I called the folks relayed the above. I also added more of my mistakes, and faults. I never added what her sweet side is, because parents already knew. They love her. However, they encouraged me to move out, get my own place, start fresh, get a new mindset. I explained over the past 40-60 days, I dismissed my girlfriend's - I should just say my common law wife's comments to move out because her attitude.moodiness wasn't herself.
In fact, I could mention this to her mom and she would get all in there and tell my girlfriend to snap out of it and treat me with respect and such.... but it wouldn't help. My girlfriend NEEDS to see it and change if and when see realizes it. Fact is, we all have our troubles, convoluted and complex. However, if Love is there. Love should find it's way. I am VERY lucky. My parents are STILL together happy and still romantic. My girlfriend's parents I think want to be divorced but by culture, it will never happen. In fact, I was married to my girl already, she would probably never mention divorce. However, the issue is happiness not just staying together.
So it going to be tough... finding a place, starting over. On a positive note. My girlfriend has offered to help in anyway. Still doing my laundry! All without asking. She has offered her scooter for me to keep using break up or no break up. However, I will probably spend 2000 usd and buy a new one. I will prbably get a new phone number, too. Right now, my cell phone is under her account. If I am REALLY to give her the space she has voice and I am respectful of - this is what she wants- I should be completely independent, devoid of her help.
Goodbye or New beginings?
I have no clue what will happen. I can her treating me respectfully since last night's getting it official. She has been also via phone finally showed some emotions. It will sink in that I am leaving. Man, I have been apart of her family. They have treated me as their own, you know? It will be hard without that support system. When I move out, I will be completely and utterly alone. Of course I have friends, but not many. My girlfriend's house is near the country side, outta of the city. All my coworkers and friends are in the city, they mostly drink as their "thing" to do. Something I am letting go of.....
I am home-body. So my girlfriend is used to always knowing I am home. I have been a stable, predictible and loyal boyfriend and lover. It should sink in when I am gone. She has been my mirror. Always at home, faithful as well. In fact, it might blow you readers away that since our very first official date, which led to her falling asleep innocently at my old apartment : We have never been apart one except for that time mentioned above -when I went on a road trip getaway for 3 days alone, which was boring..... haha oh well.... We have always been together. So that and being away from my second family is going to be tough. Beside not knowing for sure, why do't think I have been not abruptly granting her request to move out. It is complex for me. I also told her foolishly, if I moved out, that we would be finished. It was her that suggested that maybe that we might both need that. That she needed it for sure and thought she might find her love for me again. Hearing all of that, transcribed negatively to me, and I made the rule: if I am ever essentially kicked out and I am breaking up with you! Dumb. I am bridge burner /rebuilder, too. Hey, I am not faultless. Well maybe she will miss me after a month or two. Maybe after serious self change and reflection not only her part but mine as well, she might fall romantically in love again. THat is my dream. Right now, I really believe that she cares for me but she has fallen out of love with me. I don't know that statistics on people who have fallen out of love with a long time mate and fallen back in love..... but I am sure it is not very promising..... I am dreamer/realist. However, I gotta remove my position as prisoner of love here in this house, this routine etc and keep positive and keep the hope strong. We really started out strong, thus, never NOT being together, by choice I might add. We did have a few serendipitous moments, but those ONLY happen when the respect and love is freely flowing. I hope that I can keep up patiently hoping, being positive and that it will lead to a new better life with her. I think anyone who has closely been reading this, will know that if she and I have a second chance, she will eventually need to MOVE OUT of her parents -cultural thing- and start a new life, on equal ground with me. I hope that what we had was real because it is true love, it will fate for her to come back to me. Right now, I know I am letting go. I can't make her love me or convince her rethink anymore than I have. It is that poem I found depressing in high school: If you someone set them free, if they come back to you it is true love ; if they don't it never meant to be. Now that is my reality. There is no other way to treat the relationship better that will enable it to grow or wither. Man, I hope there's a garden of roses waiting for us in a month....
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
