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Your sisters may know you extremely well, and I am one who believes that family may at times see/spot/detect negatives which we are blinded to - and if they are wise, they will warn us.
Having said that, you are the one who may marry this woman. Your sisters are not you. You know yourself and this woman better than they do.
You say you love her - if you do, then you are not settling. If she is a compatible match for you in terms of personality, religion (or lack thereof), education, values, family goals, etc... then you are not settling.
Society may and will always say we can do better... somebody who is prettier/more handsome, somebody who makes more money, somebody from a better family, somebody with a better career... And while that may be technically true, we can also always do worse. Additionally, if we keep our standards that high, men will then only settle for a woman with the charity of Mother Theresa, the body and face of Megan Fox, and the intellect of Albert Einstein.
I personally define settling as choosing somebody just because you would rather not be alone, while ignoring the fact that this person isn't a compatible match. Many of us often lose sight that compatibility is far above and beyond looks. Attraction matters, but only so much.
I'm now dating a tall, slender girl with gentle features (not many curves, not the biggest boobs, not the most curvaceous butt) and her face, while pretty, isn't the type I'd necessarily find attractive instantly. But as I get to know her I'm liking her and I want her to be my girlfriend. She's more attractive to me every time I see her and I find it hard to keep my hands to myself (G-rated, folks; she's got nice hands and hair to die for). Personality wise, we're still getting to know each other and with every date/conversation we learn more about the other and like the other more and more. Hey, she said it.
We're both in this with the mentality that we are looking into a potential long-term thing leading to marriage. If she ends up being the one... I already know she's got a personality (with lots of wit, pragmatism, humor, and diligence) I am comfortable with... and a face (and body) I could love forever. If she's the one - I don't think I will have "settled."
Appreciate this- and the other ideas. My sis and I talked this weekend, and her whole thing is to make sure I'm happy. I broke it down to her about my girl's qualities and how those work with what I need more so than what I'm looking for. I gave her some examples- some that sounded kind of crazy, but she respects my angle.
My sister tells me this, even as I seriously date my girlfriend. She feels that in a sense I'm settling. I haven't put a ring on her finger yet, but I see it happening in the near future (My head is moving faster than my heart- if that makes sense). It's her stance in this whole relationship thing. When does one settle?And could one who refuses to settle be considered looking for a perceived 'perfection'?Why isn't a person who is settling a person who's come to a realization that they've met someone who may not fulfill every item on their checklist, but they have many of them, and the rest they can live without? This is for discussion only! I don't feel I'm settling btw; as I get to know my girl I find that there are some things about her that I actually need that I hadn't considered in the past, and that's what I'm most intrigued about. I love her.
I think the definition of settling is meeting someone you know is a poor match for you but all your friends are with someone and seem happy and even though this person you are with is not a good person, you stay with them anyhow just to have a mate...that is settling.
Now there is also partial settling. This means that your intended has some of the traits that you love and want in your life but still has a few that tweak your irritable side. Perhaps these traits are workable and you hope that you can change them somewhere down the road.."oh well, everyone else is dating so I will partially settle".
You know you are NOT settling when you get that goofy smile on your face everytime you think of your mate and those butterflies in your tummy. Your partner becomes part of your very soul and you miss them every second they are not in your life. Sure your partner can yank your chain and make you angry, hell the clerk at the Seven-11 can make you angry too.
Once you recognize that love isn't perfect and you find that special someone you can't be without then the word settling will never enter your vocabulary again.
By the way, none of your relationship is anyone else's business or decision but your own. You can listen to all the advice in the world from a whole host of people but in the end it will be YOUR heart that you will follow and no one elses.
As well, both these attributes are very important to impress their girlfriends and many young women have backed themselves into the corner in this regard, by making outrageous statements or pledges about the minimum "qualities" they will accept in a man. They are therefore reluctant to settle for less, because they'll lose face. (this is why "nice guys" are so detested - its like eating healthy food - no fun) Its only after a decade and a half of fruitless searching and waiting that they start to outgrow these fairy tale beliefs.
Too many people worry about what their friends and family think. It's bad to settle for someone you know is wrong for you. But it's worse to pass up someone who is right all because you're afraid of what others will think. It feels like something we should've outgrown after high school.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner
Society may and will always say we can do better... somebody who is prettier/more handsome, somebody who makes more money, somebody from a better family, somebody with a better career... And while that may be technically true, we can also always do worse. Additionally, if we keep our standards that high, men will then only settle for a woman with the charity of Mother Theresa, the body and face of Megan Fox, and the intellect of Albert Einstein.
I personally define settling as choosing somebody just because you would rather not be alone, while ignoring the fact that this person isn't a compatible match. Many of us often lose sight that compatibility is far above and beyond looks. Attraction matters, but only so much.
I think this is one of the many reasons so many marriages fail. Too many people are constantly looking to see if there's something better out there. And we get this pressure from our culture, even our friends. Society sets the bar so high and if our partner doesn't measure up, we're made to feel like settled when we really didn't. But I do agree with your definition of settling. Many of us don't want to be alone. But we eventually discover there's nothing more lonely than being with the wrong person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Connecticut Pam
I think the definition of settling is meeting someone you know is a poor match for you but all your friends are with someone and seem happy and even though this person you are with is not a good person, you stay with them anyhow just to have a mate...that is settling.
Settling doesn't just happen if the other person is not a good person. They may be terrific, just not right for you.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,063,832 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Too many people worry about what their friends and family think. It's bad to settle for someone you know is wrong for you. But it's worse to pass up someone who is right all because you're afraid of what others will think. It feels like something we should've outgrown after high school.
Oh man, this is what I went through but if the person who thinks the right one isn't the right one for you is your own parent(s), it makes it much harder to 'outgrow' that. I'm living that now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
I think this is one of the many reasons so many marriages fail. Too many people are constantly looking to see if there's something better out there.
That's how I used to describe the feeling of being with my now ex--like he was always watching out the corner of his eyes to see if he was missing something.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Many of us don't want to be alone. But we eventually discover there's nothing more lonely than being with the wrong person.
Man! Truer words were never spoken. Thus, my 'Screw contentment, gimme passion' statement. I'm done settling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Settling doesn't just happen if the other person is not a good person. They may be terrific, just not right for you.
Oh man, this is what I went through but if the person who thinks the right one isn't the right one for you is your own parent(s), it makes it much harder to 'outgrow' that. I'm living that now.
Man! Truer words were never spoken. Thus, my 'Screw contentment, gimme passion' statement. I'm done settling.
As I've gotten older, I've learned that parents don't always know what's best for us. It does make it harder if your parent don't think you're with the right person. But how can they really know who's right for you? Personally, I wouldn't let my parents pick my dinner if we went out to eat. Not that I don't trust them. Just that I don't think they know me well enough to know what I like. As for passion, that does tend to wear off.
My sister tells me this, even as I seriously date my girlfriend. She feels that in a sense I'm settling. I haven't put a ring on her finger yet, but I see it happening in the near future (My head is moving faster than my heart- if that makes sense). It's her stance in this whole relationship thing.
When does one settle?
And could one who refuses to settle be considered looking for a perceived 'perfection'?
Why isn't a person who is settling a person who's come to a realization that they've met someone who may not fulfill every item on their checklist, but they have many of them, and the rest they can live without?
This is for discussion only! I don't feel I'm settling btw; as I get to know my girl I find that there are some things about her that I actually need that I hadn't considered in the past, and that's what I'm most intrigued about. I love her.
I am not a pilgrim, therefore I am not a settler. I have been in and out of relationships, and never really thought of marrying them, although the conversation has been brought up. I think a lot like a guy though, I always think I can trade up for something better, which is awful.
Actually, when you say settle, do you mean, settle with what you have, or are you fixin to be with the lady forever?
I am not a pilgrim, therefore I am not a settler. I have been in and out of relationships, and never really thought of marrying them, although the conversation has been brought up. I think a lot like a guy though, I always think I can trade up for something better, which is awful.
Actually, when you say settle, do you mean, settle with what you have, or are you fixin to be with the lady forever?
Settle in the sense of- "I'll take what I have right now", because I don't feel like looking for anyone else, or some other hopeless reasoning.
I think it really depends on the persons involved.
Some people are conquistadors. They're always just out for the chase, once they "catch" someone, that person no longer seems special to them so they have to move onto the next. No one will ever seem good enough. These people are always afraid there's someone better out there than the one they're with.
Then there are those people who want to marry and will marry because they will find someone who is reasonably suitable and work on building a solid relationship. These people realize there's no Mr Perfect or Miss Perfect and are looking more for a relationship they can build than the perfect person, so they pick a suitable person.
It can be like anything else. Some people are never happy in their job, with the money they make and so on, they'll get a job, become uncontent with it, move on. Others get a job and make it work, grow with it.
And there are the types in between.
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