should I just settle down? (dating, wife, married, men)
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I have been divorced for almost 2 years. And I have been dating. One of my friends told me today I dump men for minimal things and that I should just "settle". She told me I am becoming bitter, that I should make an effort to accommodate.
I know, I am picky. I try not to invest time or effort and as soon as I see a red flag I bail out. Maybe I am not ready to be with someone again. But she got me thinking, should I settle? Settle for whatever I can get?
I don't know. Does not sound like a good idea to me. But I realize I am not getting any younger.I just do not want to get divorce number 2.
Well I don't know if you should "settle" for whatever you can get. However, if a trusted friend sees a problem and you are aware that you are quick to bail.... hum, you may want to do some thinking on this.
Try to be objective. What are you looking for? Make up an actual list - i.e.
He must be a happy person. He must like dogs. He must be willing to be supportive of my work. etc.
Hey, this isn't science - just try to focus on what you are looking for. Try to keep it positive - don't list a bunch of neg. / stupid stuff (He must not be in jail, He must not be violent) Get real and keep it upbeat.
Try to outline where you want to be in 5 years. Would you like to be married, - living with a man, in a positive, supportive relationship. ??
Try to score your relationships and how you did in those relationships. DON'T make this a list of what was wrong with him --- we are talking about you. What could you have done better. What would have worked - what didn't. What could you have done differently? It's ok that relationship didn't work - just try to learn from them.
It's not a matter of having to settle, you will never find anyone who is perfect. -it's a matter of giving a man a fair shake - try to remember you may not be perfect, either!
Best wishes, my friend.
Pffft, your friend is silly. You should never just settle for someone. There are so many worse things than being alone and being with someone that you are not in love with and not absolutely committed to, is one of them.
MMIchelle thanks, the list is a great idea. I want to date a man, who will be there for me and respect me and love me.
Djuna,she has been having an attitude towards me. I do not want to settle for a man, I love my life. But she told me about being bitter, and she might be right. I just dont invest in men that are not close to what I want.
You are welcome. I hope it helps.
Bitterness is a dangerous thing - it's a relationship killer! As you review your past relationships you may find that you acted with bitterness - if so, you will be aware and can learn not to be bitter in the future. It can be difficult to look objectively at yourself - it's not easy for any of us! But you can do it.
Best wishes.
I was single for over a decade and all my friends told me the same things. I was too picky. I was afraid of commitment, I was too rigid, too extreme in my views. They were right. I was all those things and I intended to stay that way. Why shouldn't I?
I was at a point in my life where I was done with being accommodating and bending myself into a pretzel to keep a relationship going. I had had enough. No more compromises, no more discussions. No more being nice. It was going to be my way or the highway, and if that meant I'd be single the rest of my life, then so be it.
To thine own self be true.
Until I met my husband, I didn't believe men like him existed. It's really a miracle that he found me and convinced me to open my heart to him. He is someone whom I love and respect so much, I don't mind making compromises for him. He is such an extraordinary individual and stellar person .
For the first time in my life I know what a healthy relationship feels like. I now know what genuine love feels like. And it's a very good thing and well worth waiting for. I wouldn't advice anyone to settle for anything less.
Last edited by boodhabunny; 09-06-2010 at 02:55 PM..
I was single for over a decade and all my friends told me the same things. I was too picky. I was afraid of commitment, I was too rigid, too extreme in my views. They were right. I was all those things and I intended to stay that way. Why shouldn't I?
I was at a point in my life where I was done with being accommodating and bending myself into a pretzel to keep a relationship going. I had had enough. No more compromises, no more discussions. No more being nice. It was going to be my way or the highway and if that meant I'd be single the rest of my life then so be it.
To thine own self be true.
Until I met my husband, I didn't believe men like him existed. It's really a miracle that he found me and convinced me to open my heart to him. He is someone whom I love and respect so much, I don't mind making compromises for him. He is such an extraordinary individual and stellar person .
For the first time in my life I know what a healthy relationship feels like. I now know what genuine love feels like. And it's a very good thing and well worth waiting for. I wouldn't advice anyone to settle for anything less.
Wow your post brought tears to my eyes... thanks so much. I sometimes wonder if a good man actually exists. But I am willing to wait.
the other one, five minutes into the first phone conversation told me his exwife is asking him questions about sex and she is asking him to help her hookup with men.
I was like
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