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Ivory you carry a ton of resentment behind your own relationship and it clouds your ability to understand what I am saying. You seem to respond to my situation as if you are talking to your husband. Dear please look at the math. 8 years of crap before I cheated. In no way am I saying I did the right thing, but come on, my indiscretion eliminates her responsibility in the relationship?
I have openly admitted my short comings in this relationship. In fact I admit my actions early on probably ruined any hope of a successful marriage. What I do say is I have made incredible changes in me. I went from being a guy selling stolen cars and guns to a two year prison sentence to now 2 almost 3 college degrees while running my own business. I have become financially better off than anyone in my family before me. I have learned to be a caring, involved, father. Simply I have addressed my flaws and continue to do so. I have made myself into a better man.
She has chosen not to grow. She has decided that the marriage doesn't matter enough to her to try and grow with me. I have attempted countless marriage counseling( which she never attended). She chooses not to be a part of our(me or my boys) daily lives. For this I blame her.
She has no fault in my choices. She is responsible for creating an environment that encouraged me to seek female support. Fellas you guys should man up and agree on this. Many manly men need to have a soft shoulder to snuggle up to. I am not saying go and cry like a baby. I am simply saying you have to have someone you can let your guard down with. You(I) need to be able to open the armor and let her in. This interaction keeps me grounded. With men I am fair and just, but not ever do I mince words. With an SO I care how she feels and enjoy knowing she cares about me. There is a reward felt from giving your heart to someone that will hold it gently and guard it. Especially when you are the hardass, brawling, ex gang member. I grew up thinking no one is allowed in. My wife initially held my heart with care and chose to squeeze whenever she wanted. She gave me years worth of "reasons" to take my heart back. Don't be shocked I felt the need to give it to someone else to hold.
The hardest part about this entire mess is BEING the better man and ending the affair at least until our divorces are final. It would be so easy to run and start a new life with the mistress, whom I love dearly and has treated me so well over the last 3 years.
I am no saint nor am I trying to present a saintly picture. I feel like having been through the trials I have; makes me better equipped to deal with the future. I wont ever allow a relationship to get to the point my marriage has. I should have left long before we were pregnant with our second son. Which leads me to the final saving grace of the entire marriage....My Boys. If nothing else I have been blessed with two amazing children. If it is meant to be with the mistress then so be it. I will cross that bridge down the road.
Nope. I just know that cheaters aren't as great as they think they are. You just described yourself as pretty much the ideal husband. Do you really expect anyone to believe that after you cheated on your wife?
Oh yeah, you're the better man for ending your affair until your divorce is final . Sorry, but IMO, a big man would never have had the affair in the first place and wouldn't be sitting here telling us how great he is for putting it on hold while he divorces his wife. What's the point, really? The damage is done. You've closed the barn door after the horses got out.
If I didn't know you cheated on your wife, your post would have come across as bragging. Knowing that, it just sounds rediculous.
There is a huge difference in saying if I"M so great I wouldn't cheat and saying if my spouse were great I wouldn't cheat. In one case, you're recognizing that you are not as great as you claim if you're a cheater. In the other, you're blaming your spouse for your actions. Two totally different things here.
I stand by what I said. "Great" spouses don't cheat.
Do you really stand by the claim that I say I am perfect. Holy crap Ivory open your eyes. I said I have addressed and continue to address my flaws.
Bottom line YOU are responsible for your actions in YOUR marriage. If you feel it hits too close to home it is likely due to YOU not wanting to accept any responsibility for YOUR failing marriage. I am not your husband.
I take full responsibility for MY choices. I do not claim to be faultless. Unlike YOU, I admit my contribution to the failed marriage.
You have been on this rock way too long to sit in naive judgment of me or anyone else.
Do you really stand by the claim that I say I am perfect. Holy crap Ivory open your eyes. I said I have addressed and continue to address my flaws.
Bottom line YOU are responsible for your actions in YOUR marriage. If you feel it hits too close to home it is likely due to YOU not wanting to accept any responsibility for YOUR failing marriage. I am not your husband.
I take full responsibility for MY choices. I do not claim to be faultless. Unlike YOU, I admit my contribution to the failed marriage.
You have been on this rock way too long to sit in naive judgment of me or anyone else.
Your first post was all about how great you are.
My experience is people who have to tell you how great they are, usually aren't. They're just trying to convince themselves.
And there's no mistaking you for my husband. He doesn't blow his own horn. He won't tell you what a catch he is. He'll tell you he nearly destroyed our marriage. Actually, did destroy it, he just doesn't realize it yet.
No, I don't accept responsibility for my failing marriage. I'm not the one who cheated. The issue in my marriage is trust. I've come to the conclusion that trust is gone forever. I can't trust that he won't just walk out and have another affair. What's to stop him? He did it once and the first time is the hard time.
The issues in my marriage stem from his cheating and he did that all by himself. Once trust is gone, you really have nothing left. I should have realized that before I agreed to a reconciliation. You can't fix this. It's too broken.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-25-2009 at 07:45 PM..
My experience is people who have to tell you how great they are, usually aren't. They're just trying to convince themselves.
And there's no mistaking you for my husband. He doesn't blow his own horn. He won't tell you what a catch he is. He'll tell you he nearly destroyed our marriage. Actually, did destroy it, he just doesn't realize it yet.
Again DO YOU READ. IT WAS A BAD JOKE VENTING. I swear. You are very difficult to communicate with. No wonder your marriage is still on the rocks despite how you say he is trying everyday to make you happy and understand that he loves you!
So we are back to the argument of who should have left first me or her?
OWN YOUR CHOICES. I did and do. Go back and read where I said I admit my actions early in the marriage probably poisoned any hope for a successful marriage. Or how about where I said.... I made the wrong choice. The beginning of this thread was VENTING. I swear you act like I want a hero badge for cheating when time and time again I say DON'T DO IT!
Now you are condemning me for ending the affair. My gosh you are angry. Please seek professional help.
Bleech! Good luck Ivory or better Ivory's hubby lord knows she says he is trying as hard as he can. If this and a few other threads are any indication as to their interaction he should RUN!
Again DO YOU READ. IT WAS A BAD JOKE VENTING. I swear. You are very difficult to communicate with. No wonder your marriage is still on the rocks despite how you say he is trying everyday to make you happy and understand that he loves you!
So we are back to the argument of who should have left first me or her?
OWN YOUR CHOICES. I did and do. Go back and read where I said I admit my actions early in the marriage probably poisoned any hope for a successful marriage. Or how about where I said.... I made the wrong choice. The beginning of this thread was VENTING. I swear you act like I want a hero badge for cheating when time and time again I say DON'T DO IT!
Now you are condemning me for ending the affair. My gosh you are angry. Please seek professional help.
Bleech! Good luck Ivory or better Ivory's hubby lord knows she says he is trying as hard as he can. If this and a few other threads are any indication as to their interaction he should RUN!
Boneheaded, you got trampled on. I'm sorry for that. I was afraid when you posted your heart this would happen. You know sometimes you just have to take the good and ignore the bad. You have a lot of support here...please concentrate on the positive, ok? You are trying as best you can...sometimes that isnt enough. It's not your fault.
Hey, being cheated on hits close to home. What do you expect?
He may not be a saint but he just pretty much described himself as the ideal husband. If he were, he wouldn't have cheated on her and they wouldn't be getting divorced. I think anyone who has cheated on thier spouse is dreaming if they describe themselves as such an ideal mate.
A reality check is in order.
Shhhhhh! *user whispers for effect*
I was being light-hearted in my post. Try to lighten up and roll with it. Life is good. You are blessed with nice children and Spring has sprung. Take a bubble bath and relax.
Shhhhhh! *user whispers for effect*
I was being light-hearted in my post. Try to lighten up and roll with it. Life is good. You are blessed with nice children and Spring has sprung. Take a bubble bath and relax.
Shhhhhh! *user whispers for effect*
I was being light-hearted in my post. Try to lighten up and roll with it. Life is good. You are blessed with nice children and Spring has sprung. Take a bubble bath and relax.
And be nice.
I wish spring had sprung. We're still a few weeks away but I see dafodils poking up.
I suppose spring is as good a time as any to file for divorce.
Gheesh Ivory, the way you were talking positive about your hubby I was hoping it was getting better. I sure am sorry.
The more I talk about it here, the more I realize I can't move past this. Our marriage was destroyed when he chose her. I should never have agreed to try again. There was nothing left to save.
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. Sorry, but IMO, a big man would never have had the affair in the first place and wouldn't be sitting here telling us how great he is for putting it on hold while he divorces his wife. What's the point, really? The damage is done. You've closed the barn door after the horses got out. 
