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She has chosen not to grow. She has decided that the marriage doesn't matter enough to her to try and grow with me. I have attempted countless marriage counseling( which she never attended). She chooses not to be a part of our(me or my boys) daily lives. For this I blame her.
It could be said that she also had the option to end the marriage, rather than take it for granted. So, she didn't cheat. She still did not live up to her end of the deal.
Quote:
She has no fault in my choices. She is responsible for creating an environment that encouraged me to seek female support. Fellas you guys should man up and agree on this. Many manly men need to have a soft shoulder to snuggle up to. I am not saying go and cry like a baby. I am simply saying you have to have someone you can let your guard down with. You(I) need to be able to open the armor and let her in. This interaction keeps me grounded. With men I am fair and just, but not ever do I mince words. With an SO I care how she feels and enjoy knowing she cares about me. There is a reward felt from giving your heart to someone that will hold it gently and guard it........She gave me years worth of "reasons" to take my heart back. Don't be shocked I felt the need to give it to someone else to hold.
I'm a woman and I understand that; it applies to us too.
Thanks PTC I can't really speak for a woman on the topic. I wasn't trying to exclude you ladies.
"You sound like a hell of a catch for a worthy lady" Who ever you are thanks for the support. I would have thanked you privately but you didn't leave your name on the rep comment.
Last edited by Boneheaded; 03-25-2009 at 03:49 PM..
Reason: Had to say thanks for the kind words.
Kinda reminds me of that movie Must love Dogs.. heehee good intro to yourself, tho.
I do have to agree with BP that it takes two.
I do not imagine that I was the best wife in the world, but I do think my husband could have been so much of a better man than he was.
I do not hold hatred or content for him, only wish him the best and hope he endures a happy and healthy life.
He, on the other side, hates me more than imaginable and does everything possible to hurt me. I am hoping that now that he has a girlfriend that some of that will change.
Thanks PTC I can't really speak for a woman on the topic. I wasn't trying to exclude you ladies.
I'm just saying that I can relate.
I think we all, at one point or another, to one degree or another, have acted upon what we felt we needed or what we didn't have. We've reached out to acquire what was missing. Right or wrong, our fault or theirs, it is the way we are programmed as human beings. Being married doesn't eliminate that need.
Boneheaded, I feel for you. Let me tell you about my situation (something I don't do much here at CD):
My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years. My wife is a kind and good person but we have some profound incompatibilities. Most significant of these is that my wife is not an upbeat or optimistic person. I am. This difference manifests itself in a number of ways, most significantly in our relationship there is a difficult difference in the amount of positive feed back/verbal support and physical contact. She is not verbally supportive (indeed, can be highly critical because she is a perfectionist) and not physically warm. Her libido is very low. I like lots of physical contact (including sex) and plenty of "atta boys" and pats on the back. I offer plenty of both to her; she just doesn't reciprocate in the way that I need.
Yes, I love her -- in many ways we get along well and we have been together now 15 years. But we have real problems in other areas, most significantly in physical intimacy. This all came to a head last year after a number of years of frustration on my part. After expressing dissatisfaction with things over the course of a few years -- and nothing changing -- I told her last year that I wanted us to go to counseling and that if things didn't change that I was leaving. She refused to go to counseling; I went without her. She did get the message, however, and things have significantly improved on the physical side (though still less than ideal). By way of the counseling, our communication has improved significantly.
I would be lying if I said that if I had to do it all over again that I would marry her. I think she would probably think the same; I know that my imperfectionist streak frustrates her a lot, as do some of my other traits. As I said, I do love her but were it not for our two young children I probably would have left a long time ago, painful as that might be. Alas, things are better now and I'm optimistic and hopeful that they will remain so.
I guess my point of all this is that I can relate to the pain and difficulty of dealing with a spouse with whom you have real problems.
Last edited by professorsenator; 03-25-2009 at 05:32 PM..
Boneheaded, I feel for you. Let me tell you about my situation (something I don't do much here at CD):
My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years. My wife is a kind and good person but we have some profound incompatibilities. Most significant of these is that my wife is not an upbeat or optimistic person. I am. This difference manifests itself in a number of ways, most significantly in our relationship there is a difficult difference in the amount of positive feed back/verbal support and physical contact. She is not verbally supportive (indeed, can be highly critical because she is a perfectionist) and not physically warm. Her libido is very low. I like lots of physical contact (including sex) and plenty of "atta boys" and pats on the back. I offer plenty of both to her; she just doesn;t reciprocate in the way that I need.
Yes, I love her -- in many ways we get along well and we have been together now 15 years. But we have real problems in other areas, most significantly in physical intimacy. This all came to a head last year after a number of years of frustration on my part. After expressing dissatisfaction with things over the course of a few years -- and nothing changing -- I told her last year that I wanted us to go to counseling and that if things didn't change that I was leaving. She refused to go to counseling; I went without her. She did get the message, however, and things have significantly improved -- but are still far from ideal -- on the physical side. By way of the counseling, our communication has improved significantly.
I would be lying if I said that if I had to do it all over again that I would marry her. I think she would probably think the same; I know that my imperfectionist streak frustrates her a lot, as do some of my other traits. As I said, I do love her but were it not for our two young children I probably would have left a long time ago, painful as that might be. Alas, things are better now and I'm optimistic and hopeful that they will remain so.
I guess my point of all this is that I can relate to the pain and difficulty of dealing with a spouse with whom you have real problems.
I have to hand it to you for pouring out your personal life to help Boneheaded. You are okay in my book!
Ivory you carry a ton of resentment behind your own relationship and it clouds your ability to understand what I am saying. You seem to respond to my situation as if you are talking to your husband. Dear please look at the math. 8 years of crap before I cheated. In no way am I saying I did the right thing, but come on, my indiscretion eliminates her responsibility in the relationship?
I have openly admitted my short comings in this relationship. In fact I admit my actions early on probably ruined any hope of a successful marriage. What I do say is I have made incredible changes in me. I went from being a guy selling stolen cars and guns to a two year prison sentence to now 2 almost 3 college degrees while running my own business. I have become financially better off than anyone in my family before me. I have learned to be a caring, involved, father. Simply I have addressed my flaws and continue to do so. I have made myself into a better man.
She has chosen not to grow. She has decided that the marriage doesn't matter enough to her to try and grow with me. I have attempted countless marriage counseling( which she never attended). She chooses not to be a part of our(me or my boys) daily lives. For this I blame her.
She has no fault in my choices. She is responsible for creating an environment that encouraged me to seek female support. Fellas you guys should man up and agree on this. Many manly men need to have a soft shoulder to snuggle up to. I am not saying go and cry like a baby. I am simply saying you have to have someone you can let your guard down with. You(I) need to be able to open the armor and let her in. This interaction keeps me grounded. With men I am fair and just, but not ever do I mince words. With an SO I care how she feels and enjoy knowing she cares about me. There is a reward felt from giving your heart to someone that will hold it gently and guard it. Especially when you are the hardass, brawling, ex gang member. I grew up thinking no one is allowed in. My wife initially held my heart with care and chose to squeeze whenever she wanted. She gave me years worth of "reasons" to take my heart back. Don't be shocked I felt the need to give it to someone else to hold.
The hardest part about this entire mess is BEING the better man and ending the affair at least until our divorces are final. It would be so easy to run and start a new life with the mistress, whom I love dearly and has treated me so well over the last 3 years.
I am no saint nor am I trying to present a saintly picture. I feel like having been through the trials I have; makes me better equipped to deal with the future. I wont ever allow a relationship to get to the point my marriage has. I should have left long before we were pregnant with our second son. Which leads me to the final saving grace of the entire marriage....My Boys. If nothing else I have been blessed with two amazing children. If it is meant to be with the mistress then so be it. I will cross that bridge down the road.
I only wish more people would pay attention - this in one marriage secret that really works!
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