my husband's affair (cheating, advice, spouse, couple)
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He should give you any and all answers to your questions. If not, leave him. I left mine for that very reason. Without knowing who this individual is, you don't know what you are forgiving. What if he sees this person everyday? What if it's your best friend? Yeah, us betrayed spouses deserve to know.
Stop asking him about her! If you are truly moving on, then you need to leave the past in the past. Why do you need to know who she is? Does it matter? Maybe knowing her identity will only cause more drama and heartache. He probably feels like you don't really want to forgive him and move on so he's preparing for it.
You have two choices:
1) Let it go and save your marriage. (including knowing who she is)
2) Keep asking and wait for him to get fed up and leave, thus ending your marriage.
If you really can't get past it without knowing who she is, your marriage is over.
Why not? He completely disrespected their marriage and broke her trust. Therefore, he should be doing whatever he could to earn her trust back. If this means answering questions about the person that he cheated with, then so be it.
Stop asking him about her! If you are truly moving on, then you need to leave the past in the past. Why do you need to know who she is? Does it matter? Maybe knowing her identity will only cause more drama and heartache. He probably feels like you don't really want to forgive him and move on so he's preparing for it.
You have two choices:
1) Let it go and save your marriage. (including knowing who she is)
2) Keep asking and wait for him to get fed up and leave, thus ending your marriage.
If you really can't get past it without knowing who she is, your marriage is over.
I agree with a lot of that; can't move forward and look back at the same time. However, you're seeking help on a very serious topic (infidelity in marriage!) from... the internet? Come here to ask "hey, how can I get my husband to help me around the house more" or "gimme some ideas to have a more interesting sex life" or something along those lines... but this is NOT the place for something that serious! You need personal, professional counseling, not internet morons like us.
I think many people want to check their feelings. Are they being unfair? I think it is normal to ask others for their feelings. Plus some of us out here may have some experience to share. For example my experience says NEVER have a revenge affair. I always lurk to tell people not to do it, because of my own experience. I think it is ok to discuss infidelity. It is a relationship issue and that is what the forum is for.
Fair enough, Megan... good point. I guess if a forum is PART of the healing, or mending, or thinking process then all is well, I just hope isn't limited to here.
Plus, by refusing to reveal the name of the other woman, he is giving the other woman far more care and compassion than he is giving to the OP. He is continuing to reinforce the idea that the other woman is far more important and worthy of his concern than his wife is.
The OP needs to put her foot down and show she means business. No begging, groveling or pleading. No trying to "earn" back her place in his heart. Find some method which works to show she isn't giving up her dignity or self-respect just to make him feel good or comfortable. Stop washing his clothes, stop making his food, stop doing anything for him until he either acts like a mature, responsible man and gives the answers she is seeking, or he decides to leave for good and gets out of her life.
Saving a marriage takes two people. If he is getting angry and not telling you the truth, he doesn't appear to respect you and care about your feelings. You have a right to know whatever you ask. Until he can discuss what you need to know with the truth, do you really want to be married to him?
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