emotional affair "during" divorce from cheating husband (dating, wife, how to)
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Hi everyone! I'm brand-spanking new, here; please be gentle, hah!
Okay, I'll try to make this as short as possible, because (quite obviously) I am very anxious to hear the opinions/similar experiences/advice, of you good people with an emotionally unattached, outside perspective. Also, I have been awake waaaay too long, wracking my analytical brain with thoughts, researching the subject matter, and battling with logic and emotions... my id and my super ego, lol. That being said, please forgive me for any grammatical or spelling errors! You have been warned!
**edit** So, I've just read the NOVEL I just wrote, and I apologize for the length!!! I tried taking out some information, and I'm still left with this... which I feel all is vitally important information to express the complication of a seemingly *simple* situation.
To those of you who actually take the time to read this long-ass post and provide any input... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Here is my conundrum (please, any responses are greatly appreciated):
About 4.5 years ago, I ended a relationship with the love of my life. I'd never, and still haven't, felt such an immense, overwhelming feeling of love for any other man than him (we'll just call him EX, from this point forward). We were 23 when we met, engaged about 6 months later... passionately and intrinsically in love with each other; the chemistry was the strength of a super nova. Its' magnitude proved to be too much to handle for two, morbidly self-insecure kids desperately searching for direction in life. I jumped into a relationship with EX immediately after ending another (1st mistake- we couldn't control our passion for each other and simply wait for the right time to start out). He immediately took a job working out of town for weeks at a time, and even though I treated him like a king, completely devoted to him, he CONSTANTLY accused me of cheating, and together, we both slowly became hooked on pain pills. In an impulsive moment of frustration and anger-- feeling like it would end anyway because he didn't trust me, I ended up cheating on him (out of sheer stupidity, loneliness, confusion, and lack of self-esteem). I immediately, IMMEDIATELY knew I had screwed up, and I was so afraid to lose him. I never admitted it to him, and for the next two years, we had the most unstable relationship one could possibly imagine. It was a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, passionate love and fights, laughter and tears... you get the point. Yet, even though we had some of the worst times of our lives together, we had some of the most amazing times of our lives together. I think that's why we stayed together for such a long time, when normal people would walk away... we embraced the bad, so we could consume the good. Yet, we were slowly dying in each others' arms, emotionally, mentally, physically... all the while knowing that we would never love another person, ever again, as much as we did each other... and inevitably, the destruction from our deficiencies became too much to bear.
I was raised by wonderful parents, was known as your typical good-girl, and had never been in any sort of trouble, what-so-ever. After EX and I went our separate ways, I lost it. I went 100%, completely bat-***** crazy. I couldn't handle the pain of losing him. Self-medication, associating with the wrong kinds of people, trouble with the law, unemployment leading to my resorting to "stripping" to pay my bills... all became my reality after we broke-up, and I quickly found myself (3 months later) in the hospital from over-dosing after being raped. In comes my current hubby. We'd met during this low-point for me; he was several years younger than me, a playboy, and he became overtly "obsessed" with me, because he'd never met a girl he couldn't get. I wanted nothing to do with a relationship, and I tried everything I could do to push him away, yet it only made him pursue me harder. We cared about each other, sure, as really good friends would, but we both knew the "sparks" never surged. Anyhow, to make this part of the post, short... he saw my overdosing/rape incident as an opportunity to "rescue" me. I knew I would have ended up dead, soon, if I didn't let him take me away... and he was so persistent in chasing me, I let him win, because I thought, he must *really* care about me more than I thought. We moved away, and not even 2 months into our new relationship, he began having doubts and looking to other women (mind you, this is completely typical behavior for a young man in his position). As our friendship became more solid, the puppy love phase evaporated, and we continued to stay with each other out of convenience. He cheated several times, I stayed (because honestly, it didn't hurt me that much), we ended up getting pregnant, and our families systematically and successfully pressured us into getting married. We tried to commit to each other, but it just wasn't right. He was so young, unsure about the future and losing his "youth", and scared to death. After being married a few months, he cheated on me while I was 7.5 months preggo, gave me an STD, and continued to cheat after the baby was born because I lost all sexual desire for him and completely shut down emotionally, toward him.
SOOO... we're getting a divorce now. We've known the whole time it was inevitable, and for the past 2 years, it's all we've thought about. We finally agreed upon going through with it several months ago, and should have it finalized in about 6 months, maybe less if all goes well.
Here is where my thoughts get twisted. I never fell out of love with EX. I, with every ounce of honesty I have, thought about him every day since the last time I'd seen his face. I tried everything to forget him. I tried hating his guts. I analyzed every aspect of our relationship, positive and negative, and desperately tried to rationalize why he was NOT the "one" using logic, reason, and hell, even emotions: anything to move on. I even reached a point where I forgave him, and myself, for the mistakes we made, and came to terms with the circumstances that prevented us from spending the rest of our lives together, but the ferocious pain from it all still haunted me, more often than I wanted. I dreamed about him constantly, and I'd always find myself awaking from these dreams with immense guilt, hurt, and shame. I'd trained myself to dismiss any thoughts regarding him, as quickly as they popped into my head, by any means necessary... which usually resorted to me trying to convince myself that I hated him, because, I knew(know) I'd had my shot at true love, I f*cked it up, and I'd never get to experience that love, ever again. I grew to accept it... as they say, "Tis better to have loved than never loved at all."
The frequency in which EX came to my mind never dissipated, but my efforts to accept our reality shrouded the pain with this, dry, empty, pessimistic view on what the concept of love is in reality: 1% of the world gets to experience the love EX and I had, while the other 99% experience a love that is learned, developed, and cultivated out of necessity... or no love at all. Keeping my mind focused on happiness became easier with this acceptance. My beautiful baby helped me with this, too. More importantly, she radically changed my life in every way possible. I no longer suffer(ed) from depression. I quit doing drugs before I became pregnant, and have continued to maintain my sobriety to this day. I went back to college, and am set to begin nursing school in August. I got healthy. I repaired my relationships with my loving family. Psychologically, I've never been more stable in my entire life, and I am just so incredibly happy and thankful for my daughter... I want to be the absolute BEST human being and mother that I can be, for her, *and* for myself! She taught me how to love myself, accept the mistakes I've made and cherish them as the incredible learning lessons that have made me into the capable, independent, compassionate, and intelligent woman that I consider myself to be. My husband betrayed my trust, over and over again, and yes, it was upsetting to me because I felt like it essentially insulted my intelligence. However, I've been cheated on, as a young hormonal teenager, and those intrusive, stabbing thoughts of your lover's hand and lips all over another woman never deeply affected me with my husband. In fact, I really didn't mind him sleeping with other women at all! I was always relieved (I know that sounds horrible), because it gave me an out to remain romantically and intimately disconnected, after I had given up on our marriage ever working because the trust was non-existent.
Do not mistake, I love my husband dearly. He gave me the greatest gift in existence, and for that, I will never be able to thank him enough. He's one of my best friends... he's like a brother to me. I wish no ill will on him, and we get along very well, considering the circumstances! We're just not right. Never have been. We both know it, too. I know that we're both looking forward to getting this divorce behind us, and maintaining a healthy, co-parenting relationship for the sake of our incredibly beautiful daughter.
So, I've continued to focus on progression, growth, and security for my daughter and myself. Again, I never stopped thinking about EX, and often would search for him on FaceBook, insatiably curious to learn how he was doing, always mildly disappointed that he did not have a page. Any acquaintances of his that I ran into, I nonchalantly inquired about his current status. My heart stopped every time I thought I caught a glimpse of him, and I always wondered and rehearsed how I would act or what I would say when and if our paths were ever to cross again. I started mentioning him in conversations with my sister about love, life, and relationships. I will admit... I missed being affectionate with a man (not at all entirely sexual), which I associated with EX, because that was the prototype, if you will, of what I was missing, romantically. However, actually getting back together with EX was never a possibility in my mind. I thought he hated me for what I did to him, and how it all ended. Even so, I still caught myself thinking, more and more, about the sheer beauty of the "good times" I shared with EX.
A few weeks ago, he popped into my head while I was on FB, and I typed his name in the search box. There he was. I didn't immediately act on it... I was just stunned to finally see his sweet face again. After a few weeks (maybe, two, haha), I couldn't hold out any longer and I contacted him. I'd known all along that he'd never forgotten me and never would, but I was pleasantly surprised when he replied back to me with no hate or ill feelings towards me for what happened. We continued to correspond over the next few days, and after several apologies on both our parts, we both knew, *it* was still there. We're both going to be 30 years old soon, and have evolved into mature, confident, goal-oriented adults. It's as if we skipped the bullsh!t, getting-to-know-you, play-hard-to-get teasing song-and-dance associated with new relationships. We know each others' strengths, we know each others' goals and passions, and we have both seen the other at rock-bottom... our darkest sides which are (definitively to remain) a part of our past. We know our faults. We accept those faults. We accept each other. We never fell out of love. We never got over losing each other.
Here is where I need some feedback:
First and foremost... my daughter is numero uno on my list of priorities. Second, comes my education. Thirdly, I'm in the middle of a divorce. I'm very heavily committed to ensuring the priorities are attended to, in order of importance, above and beyond ALL else. EX and I have spent a lot of time discussing these things, and we have a very mutual understanding that I cannot, and will not deviate from this path, until the bottom two are completely fulfilled and satisfied. I am not going to bring him around my daughter, until I know that he and I will get married (if we do- but, y'all... I just know. I really, just *know* he is the one- but again, that is a LOOOONG way away), and I will not have time to invest into a serious romantic relationship with him until I finish the nursing program. I am still married, and it is, without a doubt, out of the question that we have sex, get physical, and I honestly don't even want to kiss him while I'm still married... and he is just as adamant about adhering to these conditions as I am! However, we've talked very seriously about our "situation" and we both feel like no time is too long to wait for the opportunity to give our love a second chance, and not honoring the institution of marriage now, even though I am getting a divorce, sets us up for negative karma. We flirt (PG rated only), and we talk about future plans, refrain from straight up saying, "I love you", and are just really trying to take it slower than slow. We want to do everything right, this time around. I don't feel guilty about any of this, really, and am absolutely thrilled about all of it, except one issue.
I'm so afraid that this is all going to bite me in the ass. I'm so afraid of losing him again. I scared to death that he will not trust me, again, because I'm still married (even though I'm going through the divorce), and we've reconnected like we have. In my mind, considering the circumstances of my joke of a marriage, I feel like he is the ONLY exception to the "wait before you date" rule, involving divorce. I will honor my vows, but I don't feel like I'm an adulterous ***** for reconnecting with EX. And while we're not "officially" dating, I still worry that the combination of our past and with our current status, will end in heartbreak and more pain than the first time around.
I'm already emotionally involved to a point that I don't even want to begin to consider to cut off contact with him until I am divorced. What do you all think? Am I psycho for thinking this could all work out in the long run? I'm realistic that every day will not always be a bowl of sunshine, but I'm prepared to do the work to maintain contact with him... to spend time with him long before we jump into an "official", physical relationship. I want to do this the right way... and I'm scared to death of messing this up... again. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Thoughts... please... I beg of you!
With deepest sincerity, Desperate (Enough to Pour My Heart Out to the Interwebz for Direction) Mom of One
Last edited by heathsmitherkins; 06-24-2012 at 10:19 AM..
I did read the whole thing. I'm not going to be harsh, but I am going to be very direct. I don't know if you are crazy, but you are all over the place.
I'm much older than you and kind of an "all over the place" kind of person, too, though.
You can't predict the future. And you can't control everything about your future.
Knowing that, you need to settle down a little bit.
Life has rules, yes, but they can be, um, flexible. The "wait before you date" rule about divorce is not actually set in stone and does not apply to everyone (unless you are concerned about custody). So with everything you've been through in your young life, I would not be fooled into thinking that this is in any way what you need to be concerned about. All that honorable talk about "the institution of marriage" really does not apply in your situation since your partner did not appear to value the institution of marriage anyway. Not saying "jump into bed with him again," but to distract yourself with needless worries about honoring your vows is not the point here.
As a mom, though, you have to absolutely protect your child from the drama of your romantic life. Because it is VERY dramatic. Your instincts on that are encouraging, so I won't belabor that point.
Next, I would advise you to keep it simple. Given your personal history, your goals should be very simple and attainable: Protect your child, stay emotionally and physically healthy, build your self-esteem, finish school, make a living. Whether or not your ex is the supernova love of your life will be told at your funeral.
That's why I said you can't predict or control everything about your future. Timing and circumstances play a part. Your heart may get broken again. It's part of life. Sometimes people have many partners along the way and live wonderful lives. It's not always a "they met, fell in love and lived happily ever after" scenario, especially since it does sound like you will always have some personal demons to contend with along the way.
I am concerned that you ARE obsessing on it and, having some experience with this, don't see how it won't distract you on a daily basis. You must keep your daughter, not your love life, as your top priority, and you must stay focused in school and at work.
At this point, you have to let some "if it's meant to be" thinking take over.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 06-24-2012 at 12:36 PM..
Reason: typo!!
Hi everyone! I'm brand-spanking new, here; please be gentle, hah!
Okay, I'll try to make this as short as possible, because (quite obviously) I am very anxious to hear the opinions/similar experiences/advice, of you good people with an emotionally unattached, outside perspective. Also, I have been awake waaaay too long, wracking my analytical brain with thoughts, researching the subject matter, and battling with logic and emotions... my id and my super ego, lol. That being said, please forgive me for any grammatical or spelling errors! You have been warned!
**edit** So, I've just read the NOVEL I just wrote, and I apologize for the length!!! I tried taking out some information, and I'm still left with this... which I feel all is vitally important information to express the complication of a seemingly *simple* situation.
To those of you who actually take the time to read this long-ass post and provide any input... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Here is my conundrum (please, any responses are greatly appreciated):
About 4.5 years ago, I ended a relationship with the love of my life. I'd never, and still haven't, felt such an immense, overwhelming feeling of love for any other man than him (we'll just call him EX, from this point forward). We were 23 when we met, engaged about 6 months later... passionately and intrinsically in love with each other; the chemistry was the strength of a super nova. Its' magnitude proved to be too much to handle for two, morbidly self-insecure kids desperately searching for direction in life. I jumped into a relationship with EX immediately after ending another (1st mistake- we couldn't control our passion for each other and simply wait for the right time to start out). He immediately took a job working out of town for weeks at a time, and even though I treated him like a king, completely devoted to him, he CONSTANTLY accused me of cheating, and together, we both slowly became hooked on pain pills. In an impulsive moment of frustration and anger-- feeling like it would end anyway because he didn't trust me, I ended up cheating on him (out of sheer stupidity, loneliness, confusion, and lack of self-esteem). I immediately, IMMEDIATELY knew I had screwed up, and I was so afraid to lose him. I never admitted it to him, and for the next two years, we had the most unstable relationship one could possibly imagine. It was a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, passionate love and fights, laughter and tears... you get the point. Yet, even though we had some of the worst times of our lives together, we had some of the most amazing times of our lives together. I think that's why we stayed together for such a long time, when normal people would walk away... we embraced the bad, so we could consume the good. Yet, we were slowly dying in each others' arms, emotionally, mentally, physically... all the while knowing that we would never love another person, ever again, as much as we did each other... and inevitably, the destruction from our deficiencies became too much to bear.
I was raised by wonderful parents, was known as your typical good-girl, and had never been in any sort of trouble, what-so-ever. After EX and I went our separate ways, I lost it. I went 100%, completely bat-***** crazy. I couldn't handle the pain of losing him. Self-medication, associating with the wrong kinds of people, trouble with the law, unemployment leading to my resorting to "stripping" to pay my bills... all became my reality after we broke-up, and I quickly found myself (3 months later) in the hospital from over-dosing after being raped. In comes my current hubby. We'd met during this low-point for me; he was several years younger than me, a playboy, and he became overtly "obsessed" with me, because he'd never met a girl he couldn't get. I wanted nothing to do with a relationship, and I tried everything I could do to push him away, yet it only made him pursue me harder. We cared about each other, sure, as really good friends would, but we both knew the "sparks" never surged. Anyhow, to make this part of the post, short... he saw my overdosing/rape incident as an opportunity to "rescue" me. I knew I would have ended up dead, soon, if I didn't let him take me away... and he was so persistent in chasing me, I let him win, because I thought, he must *really* care about me more than I thought. We moved away, and not even 2 months into our new relationship, he began having doubts and looking to other women (mind you, this is completely typical behavior for a young man in his position). As our friendship became more solid, the puppy love phase evaporated, and we continued to stay with each other out of convenience. He cheated several times, I stayed (because honestly, it didn't hurt me that much), we ended up getting pregnant, and our families systematically and successfully pressured us into getting married. We tried to commit to each other, but it just wasn't right. He was so young, unsure about the future and losing his "youth", and scared to death. After being married a few months, he cheated on me while I was 7.5 months preggo, gave me an STD, and continued to cheat after the baby was born because I lost all sexual desire for him and completely shut down emotionally, toward him.
SOOO... we're getting a divorce now. We've known the whole time it was inevitable, and for the past 2 years, it's all we've thought about. We finally agreed upon going through with it several months ago, and should have it finalized in about 6 months, maybe less if all goes well.
Here is where my thoughts get twisted. I never fell out of love with EX. I, with every ounce of honesty I have, thought about him every day since the last time I'd seen his face. I tried everything to forget him. I tried hating his guts. I analyzed every aspect of our relationship, positive and negative, and desperately tried to rationalize why he was NOT the "one" using logic, reason, and hell, even emotions: anything to move on. I even reached a point where I forgave him, and myself, for the mistakes we made, and came to terms with the circumstances that prevented us from spending the rest of our lives together, but the ferocious pain from it all still haunted me, more often than I wanted. I dreamed about him constantly, and I'd always find myself awaking from these dreams with immense guilt, hurt, and shame. I'd trained myself to dismiss any thoughts regarding him, as quickly as they popped into my head, by any means necessary... which usually resorted to me trying to convince myself that I hated him, because, I knew(know) I'd had my shot at true love, I f*cked it up, and I'd never get to experience that love, ever again. I grew to accept it... as they say, "Tis better to have loved than never loved at all."
The frequency in which EX came to my mind never dissipated, but my efforts to accept our reality shrouded the pain with this, dry, empty, pessimistic view on what the concept of love is in reality: 1% of the world gets to experience the love EX and I had, while the other 99% experience a love that is learned, developed, and cultivated out of necessity... or no love at all. Keeping my mind focused on happiness became easier with this acceptance. My beautiful baby helped me with this, too. More importantly, she radically changed my life in every way possible. I no longer suffer(ed) from depression. I quit doing drugs before I became pregnant, and have continued to maintain my sobriety to this day. I went back to college, and am set to begin nursing school in August. I got healthy. I repaired my relationships with my loving family. Psychologically, I've never been more stable in my entire life, and I am just so incredibly happy and thankful for my daughter... I want to be the absolute BEST human being and mother that I can be, for her, *and* for myself! She taught me how to love myself, accept the mistakes I've made and cherish them as the incredible learning lessons that have made me into the capable, independent, compassionate, and intelligent woman that I consider myself to be. My husband betrayed my trust, over and over again, and yes, it was upsetting to me because I felt like it essentially insulted my intelligence. However, I've been cheated on, as a young hormonal teenager, and those intrusive, stabbing thoughts of your lover's hand and lips all over another woman never deeply affected me with my husband. In fact, I really didn't mind him sleeping with other women at all! I was always relieved (I know that sounds horrible), because it gave me an out to remain romantically and intimately disconnected, after I had given up on our marriage ever working because the trust was non-existent.
Do not mistake, I love my husband dearly. He gave me the greatest gift in existence, and for that, I will never be able to thank him enough. He's one of my best friends... he's like a brother to me. I wish no ill will on him, and we get along very well, considering the circumstances! We're just not right. Never have been. We both know it, too. I know that we're both looking forward to getting this divorce behind us, and maintaining a healthy, co-parenting relationship for the sake of our incredibly beautiful daughter.
So, I've continued to focus on progression, growth, and security for my daughter and myself. Again, I never stopped thinking about EX, and often would search for him on FaceBook, insatiably curious to learn how he was doing, always mildly disappointed that he did not have a page. Any acquaintances of his that I ran into, I nonchalantly inquired about his current status. My heart stopped every time I thought I caught a glimpse of him, and I always wondered and rehearsed how I would act or what I would say when and if our paths were ever to cross again. I started mentioning him in conversations with my sister about love, life, and relationships. I will admit... I missed being affectionate with a man (not at all entirely sexual), which I associated with EX, because that was the prototype, if you will, of what I was missing, romantically. However, actually getting back together with EX was never a possibility in my mind. I thought he hated me for what I did to him, and how it all ended. Even so, I still caught myself thinking, more and more, about the sheer beauty of the "good times" I shared with EX.
A few weeks ago, he popped into my head while I was on FB, and I typed his name in the search box. There he was. I didn't immediately act on it... I was just stunned to finally see his sweet face again. After a few weeks (maybe, two, haha), I couldn't hold out any longer and I contacted him. I'd known all along that he'd never forgotten me and never would, but I was pleasantly surprised when he replied back to me with no hate or ill feelings towards me for what happened. We continued to correspond over the next few days, and after several apologies on both our parts, we both knew, *it* was still there. We're both going to be 30 years old soon, and have evolved into mature, confident, goal-oriented adults. It's as if we skipped the bullsh!t, getting-to-know-you, play-hard-to-get teasing song-and-dance associated with new relationships. We know each others' strengths, we know each others' goals and passions, and we have both seen the other at rock-bottom... our darkest sides which are (definitively to remain) a part of our past. We know our faults. We accept those faults. We accept each other. We never fell out of love. We never got over losing each other.
Here is where I need some feedback:
First and foremost... my daughter is numero uno on my list of priorities. Second, comes my education. Thirdly, I'm in the middle of a divorce. I'm very heavily committed to ensuring the priorities are attended to, in order of importance, above and beyond ALL else. EX and I have spent a lot of time discussing these things, and we have a very mutual understanding that I cannot, and will not deviate from this path, until the bottom two are completely fulfilled and satisfied. I am not going to bring him around my daughter, until I know that he and I will get married (if we do- but, y'all... I just know. I really, just *know* he is the one- but again, that is a LOOOONG way away), and I will not have time to invest into a serious romantic relationship with him until I finish the nursing program. I am still married, and it is, without a doubt, out of the question that we have sex, get physical, and I honestly don't even want to kiss him while I'm still married... and he is just as adamant about adhering to these conditions as I am! However, we've talked very seriously about our "situation" and we both feel like no time is too long to wait for the opportunity to give our love a second chance, and not honoring the institution of marriage now, even though I am getting a divorce, sets us up for negative karma. We flirt (PG rated only), and we talk about future plans, refrain from straight up saying, "I love you", and are just really trying to take it slower than slow. We want to do everything right, this time around. I don't feel guilty about any of this, really, and am absolutely thrilled about all of it, except one issue.
I'm so afraid that this is all going to bite me in the ass. I'm so afraid of losing him again. I scared to death that he will not trust me, again, because I'm still married (even though I'm going through the divorce), and we've reconnected like we have. In my mind, considering the circumstances of my joke of a marriage, I feel like he is the ONLY exception to the "wait before you date" rule, involving divorce. I will honor my vows, but I don't feel like I'm an adulterous ***** for reconnecting with EX. And while we're not "officially" dating, I still worry that the combination of our past and with our current status, will end in heartbreak and more pain than the first time around.
I'm already emotionally involved to a point that I don't even want to begin to consider to cut off contact with him until I am divorced. What do you all think? Am I psycho for thinking this could all work out in the long run? I'm realistic that every day will not always be a bowl of sunshine, but I'm prepared to do the work to maintain contact with him... to spend time with him long before we jump into an "official", physical relationship. I want to do this the right way... and I'm scared to death of messing this up... again. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Thoughts... please... I beg of you!
With deepest sincerity, Desperate (Enough to Pour My Heart Out to the Interwebz for Direction) Mom of One
Admittedly, I did not read your entire post as it was too long . But I read your last paragraph in particular , so, heres some rhetorical questions for you :
1. You stated that you wanted to do the RIGHT thing at this point ; so by using the phrase 'right thing' are you referring to an objective set of moral standards which youre willing to surrender to , or, are you looking for a bunch of responses that consist of subjective personal opinions ? Could you please be specific here ? Thanks.
2. Do you think you need some much needed time off to heal from your destoyed marriage/ fragmented family before embarking on another intimate relationship ? I personally gave myself a year off of dating once my divorce was finalized even though i yearned for companionship from the opposite sex . I knew it was best to work thru the issues i was left with after divorce and chose to enter into an intense 8 week Divorce Recovery Class followed by another 10 months of maintaining platonic friendships I made thru co-ed Singles Groups for activities. How would something like this be for you instead of getting too deeply involved with another during this season of your life regardless of how good it might feel ?
I'm not going to be harsh, but I am going to be very direct. I don't know if you are crazy, but you are all over the place.
I'm much older than you and kind of an "all over the place" kind of person, too, though.
You can't predict the future. And you can't control everything about your future.
Knowing that, you need to settle down a little bit.
Life has rules, yes, but they can be, um, flexible. The "wait before you date" rule about divorce is not actually set in stone and does not apply to everyone (unless you are concerned about custody). So with everything you've been through in your young life, I would not worry about this part. All that honorable talk about "the institution of marriage" really does not apply in your situation since your partner did not appear to value the institution of marriage anyway.
As a mom, though, you have to absolutely protect your child from the drama of your romantic life. Because it is VERY dramatic. Your instincts on that are encouraging, so I won't belabor that point.
Next, I would advise you to keep it simple. Given your personal history, your goals should be very simple and attainable: Protect your child, stay emotionally and physically healthy, build your self-esteem, finish school, make a living. Whether or not your ex is the supernova love of your life will be told at your funeral.
That's why I said you can't predict or control everything about your future. Timing and circumstances play a part. Sometimes people have many partners along the way and live wonderful lives. It's not always a "they met, fell in love and lived happily ever after" scenario, especially since it does sound like you will always have some personal demons to contend with along the way.
does it state her age in there somewhere? I saw the part about her meeting her EX when she was 23 and that it ended 4.5 years ago, but that doesnt tell us her age. Anyway...have to go with CPG23's law on this one...the longer it takes to explain..the more disastrous the situation
CPG is absolutely correct. OP, the fact that you think all of that information is necessary speaks to how cluttered your mind is, which is why I tried to focus on what (this old lady thinks) your priorities should be.
And my point about the "wait before you date" rule is not to say you need to go ahead and get into a relationship. It's to say that whether you are or are not married at this moment is not your biggest concern.
I did read about 90% of your post. (Btw, you are a good writer! That's the only reason I kept reading )
Anyhow, my thoughts... are you seeing a therapist or in any kind of psychological treatment? As a therapist, a lot of my clients are Bipolar and/or Borderline Personality, and as I as reading through your posting I felt like I was listening to one of my clients (No offense!! My clients are very smart cookies, but are coping horribly). Some are even nurses who are forced to have treatment due to their RN licenses at stake. But anyway, they are always long winded, have to leave in every detail and FEEL DEEPLY. From only this posting, this sounds like you.
Seek some outside help and clarity, if you already haven't. It's not shameful, but helpful.
I did read your whole post and while I agree counseling might be a good idea, it actually seems like for all you've been through you are in a decent place. Everyone is different and you can't always help timing. But the issues from the first time might still be lurking so taking it slow is good and some joint counseling would be good as well.
Relationship with former fiance (love of her life) ended 4.5 years ago. We do not know how long they were together.
He worked out of town some and consistently accused her of cheating on him while he was away.
Turns out, she did cheat on him, but said it was only once. She claims she felt bad about it but never confessed.
Both were addicted to pain medication.
Both were also addicted to the dysfunction of the relationship, which was unstable with lots of highs and lows and plenty of drama.
Finally they broke up but it is unclear who initiated or what the final straw was.
....On to the new guy.
OP had something like a three month manic episode, which involved drugs, alcohol, arrest (unclear for what) unemployment and working as a stripper. She overdosed on drugs and was raped and hospitalized.
At this time she met her current husband, who became obsessed with her. No sparks, but she allowed him to be the white knight and rescue her.
Guy wised up after a couple of months of living with the crazy and starts to back off. She accuses him of looking at other women.
Still they stay together out of convenience while he cheats with other women and she says she doesn't mind.
These two geniuses make the decision not to bother with birth control in this volatile situation and the inevitable happens. Instead of opting for an abortion, they make things worse by getting married, blaming that disasterous choice on other people who "pressured" them.
Now-husband continues to cheat and gives the pregnant wife an STD.
Still they stay together at least two more years, even though she hates him. Now they are getting a divorce. Although she still loves him "dearly" and he is her "best friend."
Nevertheless, after baby comes she manages to break her other addiction(s) and plans to start nursing school, the female equivalent of joining the military to escape failure and bad decisions.
...back to the first guy
Remember him? She still wants him. She found him on FB and now they are communicating. Although she is still married and understands the basic concept of waiting until she is free to start things up with him again, she is asking us to let her make an exception in this case and move full steam ahead.
So what do you think, City Data posters?
Should this unmedicated, unemployed, bipolar single mom of a very young child, who is just ending an emotionally abusive marriage, jump into a new one with a jealous, drug addicted, unstable guy, with whom she previously was engaged in an ongoing lunatic cycle of cheating, lying, fighting and making up?
It is a shame that little baby can't weigh in with the rest of us.
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She taught me how to love myself, accept the mistakes I've made and cherish them as the incredible learning lessons that have made me into the capable, independent, compassionate, and intelligent woman that I consider myself to be. My husband betrayed my trust, over and over again, and yes, it was upsetting to me because I felt like it essentially insulted my intelligence. However, I've been cheated on, as a young hormonal teenager, and those intrusive, stabbing thoughts of your lover's hand and lips all over another woman never deeply affected me with my husband. In fact, I really didn't mind him sleeping with other women at all! I was always relieved (I know that sounds horrible), because it gave me an out to remain romantically and intimately disconnected, after I had given up on our marriage ever working because the trust was non-existent.
