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Well last night we had a pretty big argument and I mentioned her relationship with the friend.
Last Sunday we agreed to work on our marriage and to have a full month were it's just us - no going to the dads, no having sisters over, etc, to start building those barriers and to isolate our marriage from them and work on us. This Sunday (a week later), she informs me she's going out to eat with the sister while I'm not home. I got upset, said its been only a week and she was already breaking our agreement, and wtf etc.
She got mad and said she didn't think it would be an issue since I wouldn't be home, I said that's not the point, etc etc etc.
I also brought up the friend. I said it's been 3 years and I've tolerated them talking nightly for so long, had it thrown in my face repeatedly, and I'm getting sick of it. That she's a married woman, he's a single guy, and she's letting him interfere with her marriage. And that I'm done with it, and if she has trouble deciding which relationship is harder to end, then I'm taking it as a sign that I need to move on with my life.
She said there was no trouble, that she wanted me, but that he was like a counselor to her and that I was not.
I said BS he's not trained, neither am I, he's just a single guy who has a crush on her and is interfering in our marriage and she's letting him, if she wants a counselor go see a professional.
She said I'm arrogant and a narcissist and hard to talk to regarding her problems, I again reminded her I'm not a counselor and there are certain issues I can't help her with, and the fact I can't sit down and do an hour long session like the other guy apparently can, doesn't mean I'm ignoring her. I suggested she find some female friends to vent to, or get into counseling.
I told her I wanted to feel like she was choosing to spend time with me over her family or this guy for once, instead of dumping me to do stuff with them.
So that's where we are.
I feel a bit bad telling her to cut her ties with him, she doesn't really have many friends (neither does he) and I don't feel there's a threat of her leaving me for him and they'll likely never see another again as it is (he's 1,400 miles away). I don't even think she's attracted to him, I think she's just flattered, they've known one another for a number of years, and they make each other laugh etc.
But then - he did send her the poem. My brains telling me all that's going on is she's leading him on, he's 3 years into pining for her, and it's time either they end it between them or between me.
Call me a fool etc, but - is telling her she can't talk to him the right thing to do? And how? Does she tell him "bye" etc or block him,..and what if he ends up emailing her one night, or she sends him an email or something one night?
Should I expect her to be gung ho and "We're going to save our marriage yay!" as she ends the 3 year relationship with him?
And she suggested marriage counseling, so that's in our future.
Anyway, talking about this is much easier than doing it, and it might seem logical and simple "choose the marriage or him," but when you're actually speaking it, it's quite different.
Because you are stalling. It is like a cancer when a relationship degrades to this point. Have the surgery which is painful. Or let the problems fester and become worse and make it even more painful and worse?
It has degraded to a point where it isn't worth your while to repair it. I would be willing to bet it is more than emotional.
Furthermore once the trust is gone your relationship is hosed.
SHould have told her to cut those ties 3 years ago, but its not like there is anything you can do about it today. Seems to me that if you are married and know for a fact that a long distance plutonic friendship is causing your SO much heart ache and is damaging to your marriage, its a reasonable sacrifice to end that friendship. If I were in your shoes, I would stress and focus on the fact that you have always hoped that she can be your best friend and can confide in you. I am glad you guys decided to work on your marriage and get counseling. Best of Luck!
Man to man advice here. It has been three years, she has checked out on your relationship and probably just remains around for economic reasons or timing.
Do you want to be a cuckold while some other guy is chatting up your wife and sending her love poems? This is emotional infidelity and you are allowing the behavior. She is going to keep testing these boundries.
How would she feel if you had a ladyfriend you used as your counselor and constantly shared feelings, thoughts, and dreams with. Going as far as writing poetry and gestures like that?
Because you are stalling. It is like a cancer when a relationship degrades to this point. Have the surgery which is painful. Or let the problems fester and become worse and make it even more painful and worse?
It has degraded to a point where it isn't worth your while to repair it. I would be willing to bet it is more than emotional.
Furthermore once the trust is gone your relationship is hosed.
I think for a 9 year relationship that started in our teens, we're doing pretty good.
I mean, it never turned physical between them, we still very much enjoy each others company and get along great, we're not violent with each other, don't physically/emotionally abuse one another, and neither has "cheated." And sex is still pretty good.
I think she just enjoyed his attention, he had a crush on her and played the "innocent friend who makes periodic dirty jokes," and over time their feelings for one another increased.
I still think male/female friendships can work, just the issue was lack of boundaries. He didn't respect our marriage (which the poem testified to..), and she didn't recognize it as a problem and take action against it.
I think "time for divorce" is very premature and glossing over 80% good for the 20% bad.
I'd rather work and see if the 20% bad can be corrected..
I think getting all of this out is good. Honest communication is a start. I also think counseling is going to be helpful for you both because it appears you are both still in love and willing to work on your marriage.
Good on you for laying it all on the line, even if it does mean she has to break off her relationship with this guy friend.
Keep us updated.
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