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Funny, that's exactly what I told him (I wouldn't have sex with him after losing weight) and he said I was mean-spirited. Losing 50 lbs takes like six months and it just seems like a sentence to me that I don't deserve. For God's sakes, I gained the weight having his children after all. How can he claim he loves me so much if he won't show me any affection? I know guys separate love and sex, but I just don't see how a husband who claims to love his wife so much wouldn't want to be intimate with her.
Thanks for the replies.
I was doing fine with your post until you had to stoop to the above sentence. His children? Aren't they yours too? Seems to me like you like to place blame on someone besides yourself. Not every man is attracted to an overweight woman, and some are really turned off. For these men it is not a simple matter of snapping your fingers and changing the way he thinks. When you let yourself go, you are asking for trouble. You found it. Your own attitude is not going to help the situation.
The situation of the weight gain and less sex reminds me of a article I read where a serviceman overseas was told by his wife she would have a surprise for him on his return home.
At the airport this foxy looking chick he did not recognize came running up to him. It was his wife who was plump when they got married yet managed to lose quite a few pounds that made her appearance different then what he rememberd before shipping out.
So you see things can change for the better if one desires a change.
The OP is an old post, but if I were to gain a bunch of weight from having children with my husband and he refused sex because of that weight gain (assuming he didn't offer to go to the gym with me every day, prepared healthy meals for me everyday, etc), I'd lose the weight on my own, of course, and then kick him to the curb.
We've been married for several years, have two small kids (I just had a baby last year.) We've never really had much of a sex life due to a past porn addiction of his and an online affair, but those things have been over for a long time, and it's still non-existent. He says it's because I've gained weight and he's no longer attracted to me, but he loves me. How is that love? I read somewhere this could be emotional abuse. I'm losing weight, but am not sure that will change anything. In the meantime, I resent him and don't even want to be around him. I asked him what kind of sexual outlet he has and he said he just suffers. I'm overweight, but you would think I was an elephant the way he acts. I'm 5'5'' and 199. I plan to lose 50 lbs, but Lord knows if that will even be good enough for him... I should also mention that we are like roommates-- there's really no affection at all except for a pop kiss every now and then or a hug. Thanks for reading.
Love and sexual attraction are two different things. It's possible to emotionally care for someone, but not be sexually attracted (either from the beginning of marriage (which seems to be your case) or through some change in circumstances/environment/visual stimulation.
He can't help himself if he is not attracted to you. I understand feeling resentment though for lack of sex. You will have to figure out a way to get your (both of your) sexual needs met. Otherwise, the resentment will kill also the emotional relationship. If you guys don't love each other that much, you could consider divorce and finding a more sexually compatible partner. Or you could agree to have sex on the side (each of you) if you really do want to stay together. But you do have to do something.
You can't stand him because he is not meeting your sexual needs. It's normal to feel this way. And having an affair on the side might actually help your marriage. Because if you simply continue to resent him, it will end your marriage anyways.
Losing weight is also a great idea towards getting more options for sex. Because men are very visual. And it has nothing to do with love. It's like some girls who are not attracted to really goofy dorky looking guys. They may love them as friends, but the spark is just not there. There is no blame, it's just life. But in your case, if you didn't have lots of sex in the beginning either (before the weight problem), he probably wasn't really attracted to you sexually in the first place. But being skinnier might help with getting the sex on the side.
What I don't understand is why the OP hasn't divorced his ass for not only the porn but the online affair! Even if you have children, it's not good to expose them to that despicable behavior!
I absolutly agree, this guy sounds like a real dirtbag! she should leave him as soon as possible
Ewww - my husband was the same way....IF I lose weight then he would be so turned on!!! That made me so mad and hurt so badly for him to say that because I loved him! I was so sick at the thought that he didnt love me, but just my body...that I lost weight through worry and just feeling crappy about the way he felt about me. Well guess What?? I look good now and he is panting after me and I stand there and tell him ummmm I dont think so. I dont feel that way about YOU anymore! The look on his face was priceless and it made me feel so good to hurt him. The thought of him even kissing me made me stick to my stomach....but it is still sad that a relationship has to go downhill that way.
He says we can do it, but it's like I don't want to knowing he doesn't want to. I've stayed for so long I think I ought to lose the weight and see what happens. Then I'll have the true answer.
Marriage is more than looks, when you get married you are committing to loving that person through it all! If men would only have the sense to realize what pregnancy really does to a woman's body, maybe they would be more senstive. Physical affection & Sex is important in marriage, and a great way to burn calories, I might add!!
It upsets me that the affection is non-exsistant as well and makes me wonder if there is possiblity of an extra martial situation going on, not many men go without, when they don't have to....
Best wishes to you, honey, and I am soo sorry your husband doesn't cherish & love you as he should. Grrrr
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