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I'm reading your post and I want to weep. For you, me and many more like us, women: young and not so young anymore, who suffer in the name of family (does it exist anymore?), kids, etc. For the record, we just had 20 year anniversary, I planned and executed big things for him, he bought me flowers from the supermarket, etc. in the last minute in the evening, when he saw I was upset. But, the most important is: from the VERY BEGINNING, even before the marriage, we had really bad sex life. He never was much of a lover until I found out the same problem your hubby has: porn and masturbation addiction. I was horrified, but I did not know what to do then: I was a virgin (he was my first man), I was very old fashioned, etc. I tried to talk to my mom, but I guess she was afraid to give me advice out of fear that I'm not going to marry. And, no, it's not my looks at all, let me assure you: people thought and sometimes still think that I'm a model (and I'm a little over 40 already), so it's by far not the looks. I don't want to cause you desperation; the same I have, but the truth is: men like mine and yours are mentally messed up and the sooner you leave them and the younger you are (you sound younger than me), the more time you'll have to re-build your life. Ask me now how would I leave my husband (and God knows I must either do that or commit suicide) and our 2 kids don't even know. They are completely convinced that their daddy is the best in the world simply because their mommy/me was very ashamed of what's going on behind the scenes to ask for help, etc. In the very beginning we had sex about 2 times a week for short time, than it decreased to 1 time a week also for a short time and pretty fast, even BEFORE the wedding we had barely once a month "session". Now you would ask me: why did you marry this guy? Well, again, I was very unexperienced, we were going through very hard times and I thought: OK, I'll take good care of him, give him peace, security as much as I can, etc. NEVER, EVER DO THAT! That does not work! It's not the situation, your weight, etc. that is wrong. Yours, mine, etc. men of this kind are messed up, I would say: mentally, but I know that now and my life and the lives of our kids are and are going to be ruined. I can say much more, but shortly: if you want to lose weight: please, do, but for yourself, to gain more confidence. Now I have to lose about 10-15lb, too, but I want to do it just to show him even better what is he going to lose. If you want to change some things in positive way, again: please, do it to improve your life and the lives of your kids. And, if you can: get the kids out of this marriage. You don't want them to follow that example. The worst thing is the kids' suffering. Poor things, they are not at fault for anything, but I cannot live that lie anymore and I have to get out if I don't want to jump under the train that runs by our house... Seriously! Girl, you're young; it's hard, you have 2 kids, but trust me, do it now while you still have time to get a hold of your life; when you hit 40, it's gonna be much harder to find another person, security and peace in this terrible world. Lemme know if you want to talk more. God be with you!
You cannot control the actions and behaviors of others, only your own. I doubt if you lose wieght it will change. Your husband will just have another reason why he does not want sex with you. This is a control issue, and a form of emtional abuse. Leave if you want, or work out how you will live in a marriage with someone who treats you like this.
Here is my quess with weight comes challenges to your esteem. I say do things that are good for YOU. work out take care of yourself, be happy. don't chase him let him come to you. and if he doesn't let him go and let others that will be better for you come into your life. My guess is that when you take care of yourself he will not be able to handle it and will sabotage you or simply go away.
I think his issue about attraction is an excuse. he is emotionally detached from you. personally I'd make it official; and move on.
As a person that walked that path several years ago, I'm afraid there's no good news. One can still love another, but not "IN LOVE" with another. You're a nice stable person he can go home to. But very few men can be satiated with just that. Losing the weight won't make a difference. Sadly, you'll have to figure out if this is the best it can be for you. I wish you the best of luck and whatever you do, don't despair. Not worth it.
There have been other threads similar like this but it was the wife who didn’t want to have sex. Many of the comments told the guy to be sweet and caring, prepare a candle light dinner, to be understanding and supportive, to be affectionate, send her flowers, take her out for a walk to see the sunset, etc. How about telling the poster of this thread to do those things for him? Shouldn’t it work as well? I mean, same situation, different genders, right?
You should be losing the weight for yourself, not for him. If he truly loved you, he would be supporting you instead of bashing you. He's already proved to be untrustworthy and uninterested...empower yourself and set a great example for your kids. They deserve better and so do you!
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Now you would ask me: why did you marry this guy? Well, again, I was very unexperienced, we were going through very hard times and I thought: OK, I'll take good care of him, give him peace, security as much as I can, etc. NEVER, EVER DO THAT! That does not work! It's not the situation, your weight, etc. that is wrong. Yours, mine, etc. men of this kind are messed up, I would say: mentally, but I know that now and my life and the lives of our kids are and are going to be ruined. I can say much more, but shortly: if you want to lose weight: please, do, but for yourself, to gain more confidence. Now I have to lose about 10-15lb, too, but I want to do it just to show him even better what is he going to lose. If you want to change some things in positive way, again: please, do it to improve your life and the lives of your kids. And, if you can: get the kids out of this marriage. You don't want them to follow that example. The worst thing is the kids' suffering. Poor things, they are not at fault for anything, but I cannot live that lie anymore and I have to get out if I don't want to jump under the train that runs by our house... Seriously! Girl, you're young; it's hard, you have 2 kids, but trust me, do it now while you still have time to get a hold of your life; when you hit 40, it's gonna be much harder to find another person, security and peace in this terrible world. Lemme know if you want to talk more. God be with you!
