Husband is still not over ex (date, girlfriend, married, guy)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know that I brought this on myself by eavesdropping on a telephone conversation between my husband and one of his guy friends. I was just sort of accidentally on purpose lingering in the vicinity while he was on the phone. I realize that wasn't right, but I did it. He may even have known I could overhear, heck, he probably did, but I know that doesn't justify violating his privacy.
Anyway, my husband had a longterm girlfriend he met in college who left him a couple of years before we met. When we first got together, it was obvious he wasn't over that relationship. He talked about his ex constantly, compared me to her, etc. Around the time we married, we had a huge blowout because he was sending her annual letters, ostensibly birthday greetings. She wasn't responding, but it bothered me that he was writing to her, anyway.
My husband and I have now been married for more than 7 years, now, and he and his ex haven't had contact in that time, other than the letters he sent and she didn't answer in the first 1-2 years. Over time, he has talked about her less and less. I don't remember the last time he mentioned her, until today.
My husband told his friend that thoughts of his ex are dissipating a large amount of his emotional energy, and that this is what he is working on with his therapist right now. He also said that he can't have contact with the ex because it causes me pain.
I know my husband isn't actually doing anything wrong. He is kind and gentle with me, we are good friends, we spend most of our time together, and he's even affectionate to the point of clinginess. But it is really bothering me to know that he is in love with the ex, still.
Has anyone experienced this? If so, how did you move past it? Should I stop yammering to myself about my hurt feelings and focus on my husband's pain and on his loss of a huge share of his very limited emotional energy to a lost cause?
I've never encountered something like this but I'm really sorry you have.
I don't think I could be very generous of spirit to give a dang about his "pain" from not getting over an ex, yet managing to date and be married to you for 7+ years. I think I'd be angry that my husband is still so attached to his ex and feeling like our relationship wasn't built a strong foundation or is built on deception.
Did you know he was going to a therapist and this is what it's been about?
You could ask him to cut the cord or cut a trail. You don't need to compete with an ex that doesn't even respond to his letters. That should be clue #1 for him to knock it off.
I've never encountered something like this but I'm really sorry you have.
I don't think I could be very generous of spirit to give a dang about his "pain" from not getting over an ex, yet managing to date and be married to you for 7+ years. I think I'd be angry that my husband is still so attached to his ex and feeling like our relationship wasn't built a strong foundation or is built on deception.
Did you know he was going to a therapist and this is what it's been about?
Yeah - I can't imagine finding this out after 7 years of marriage. I don't really know what to say either expect that's just messed up.
i can see how this is hard but it sounds like he's really trying, and you *were* eavesdropping. try to focus on the fact he's actively working to improve the situation - via therapy for instance - rather than just pining away for this lady. it also sounds like he also is doing his best to not lay his problems on your feet, but instead take responsibility for them himself
i can see how this is hard but it sounds like he's really trying, and you *were* eavesdropping. try to focus on the fact he's actively working to improve the situation - via therapy for instance - rather than just pining away for this lady. it also sounds like he also is doing his best to not lay his problems on your feet, but instead take responsibility for them himself
I hear ya, but I have to say that if this were me, I'd still be devastated.
The part that bothers me most is that he said he can't contact her because it causes you pain. I mean, really? How bout he can't and shouldn't contact her because he's married AND she never responded to his previous letters.
It sounds to me like he has an unhealthy obsession with her. I would be concerned.
if he talked about his ex when you first met that should have been your red flag to next him but unfortunately for you you're married to him now.
I'm not sure I have sympathy for you considering that detail. That's like walking in front of a moving car/train with knowledge that you'll be hurt beforehand.
Sorry OP, but I find it ridiculous that your husband is going to counseling to get over an ex, especially when you've been married for 7 years.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
