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I'm reeling over the decision to get a divorce. Married 8 years, we have a 3 year old son and my husband has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We have visitation/have her all the time when her mom is deployed.
My husband has ADD. He has self esteem problems. He doesn't have friends. After he cheated we tried marriage counseling with a woman who hated men so that didn't work! He has seen a counselor that has helped but stopped. After being in the Army he tried college but that didn't go well so now he is going to try an apprenticeship. After he got out of the Army 4 years ago I thought he'd finish school get a job and things would settle down and stop being about HIM. I stopped from moving back to Colorado so he could finish school. We will be moving across the country in 6 weeks as I'm going through a job transfer. I make the money, I make the decisions. I've stopped making them in some areas but if I don't do what needs to get done things won't get done. I bought him a $200 palm pilot so it could beep at him to tell him what to do. He finds things that work for his ADD, like writing lists and then stops the habit. H
After we move he says he'll start an apprenticeship. He does VERY well at work, likes working. I just feel like I'm a sugar mommy while he figures out when to grow up and get a job. I'm making separate accounts when we move, if he wants luxuries like the internet or to go skiing w/ me and my son he has to find his own way to pay for it. I'm hoping this will help but I don't know if I can wait any longer. I am in such a terrible mood when he is around and just sulk around my son. I want to just worry about my son and I. That is all.
Has he tried medication ? There are many to choose from now then when my son was diagnosed. He has made huge improvements with the right teachers and counslers by his side. I have had to make sacrifices but would not change a thing today. He is a very good kid who needs some assistance . Did your husband get diagnosed , if so when ?
Has he tried medication? They can make a huge difference in his ability to focus and be conscious of what is going on around him. Do what you think best about your marriage but know that being born with ADD is a terrible burden whereby your chances for success and happiness or less then the average person without ADD. People who think ADD is under your conscious control and is just "not taking responsibility" or is just a matter of "willpower" don't know/understand what ADD is. You might as well ask someone to stop being schizophrenic or quit with the Alzheimers.
Sorry, cant really agree with this post. There comes a point in life (especially being a MAN) that you need to step up to the plate and take on your responsibilities. He is a FATHER now, and he needs to provide for his family, not sit around the house milking off of his wife. He needs to grow up...ADD is NOT an excuse..go to a doctor, get on meds, go to a support session, etc...do whatever it takes, but do it!
I agree. I simply expect him to be a responsible adult. I thought he was when I married him but looking back at it I realize he wasn't. When he works he is a hard worker. But he isn't a self motivator. I thought he would gain confidence through making it through college, something HE wanted. He can't seem to function unless an outside source is guiding him. THAT is what I'm tired of.
At this point in time, I am staying married to him but I am separating bank accts and if he wants things he is going to have to get them. He wants a $4000 sleep number bed. Fine. We can both put equal amounts into a savings acct and when we have the money we can get it. That is the only way I know how to manage the situation. He nickels and dimes my money and I've had it. I worked very hard to get where I am. He has not. So 20 years in Branson, you can kiss my ass with those assumptions. I am fine w/ the $1000 JCPenney bed. You imply that I want all that stuff. I do, but I am responsible for getting my wants and I have the money to do it to a degree. I simply expect my husband to go after what he wants instead of expecting me to get it for him. Pursuit of happiness is what the constitution gives us. PURSUIT. Not hand out from wife.
Has he tried medication? They can make a huge difference in his ability to focus and be conscious of what is going on around him. Do what you think best about your marriage but know that being born with ADD is a terrible burden whereby your chances for success and happiness or less then the average person without ADD. People who think ADD is under your conscious control and is just "not taking responsibility" or is just a matter of "willpower" don't know/understand what ADD is. You might as well ask someone to stop being schizophrenic or quit with the Alzheimers.
Yes. He is on Adderal. He does things like make a to do list in the morning, which works. Then he stops it. He said he needed a $200 Palm Pilot to plan. He plays Sudoku on it. It beeps at him to empty the trash, clean the heating filter etc and he ignores it. That is not ADD that is laziness. That is a choice to ignore what needs to be done.
I think part of his problem is a pathological fear of failure. He is seeking counseling for depression and issues he has with his mother and father; abandonment; neglect etc.
Yes. He is on Adderal. He does things like make a to do list in the morning, which works. Then he stops it. He said he needed a $200 Palm Pilot to plan. He plays Sudoku on it. It beeps at him to empty the trash, clean the heating filter etc and he ignores it. That is not ADD that is laziness. That is a choice to ignore what needs to be done.
I think part of his problem is a pathological fear of failure. He is seeking counseling for depression and issues he has with his mother and father; abandonment; neglect etc.
tment?
Gotcha'!. ADD support group? Medicine adjustment? Sometimes the wrong dosage will make you obsessive, hyperfocused on little things (like Soduko) and all you can do is sit there and play it over and over again. I'm glad he's seeing someone for depression. Maybe they'll prescribe an anti-depressant. Could make a world of difference. I agree with you about separating your finances so that you have a way out if you can't take it anymore. The only thing I can say in defense of your husband (being ADD myself) is that it is so hard to think clearly. It's like wearing glasses that you can't take off that make everything look fuzzy .
It is very depressing. You feel you can't win no matter what you do.
Last edited by laysayfair; 08-25-2008 at 02:14 PM..
Reason: typo
aw Fishy, your post made me feel sorry for you. Empathy isn't common, so do not feel bad. Just make an effort to be respectful and caring to others that matter to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fishy
i have ADD/autism. its gotten better because i can control it a bit, but it still effects me
im not saying he gets a free card to blame ADD for everything, but keep it in mind
you say hes unplugged from the relationship. thats a typical ADD symptom. its no coincidence he has no friends
The only thing I can say in defense of your husband (being ADD myself) is that it is so hard to think clearly. It's like wearing glasses that you can't take off that make everything look fuzzy .
It is very depressing. You feel you can't win no matter what you do.
I will try to remind myself of that. I know he wants to do better. I can imagine how frustrated he feels. I think what bothers me the most is he finds things that work to overcome some of the symptoms of ADD and then discontinues them. That makes me doubt his desire to overcome it. I have a hard time not being a real witch to him. I look at him like a young wine. I took a sip and have to keep the bottle until it ages some. My patience is running out.
PS I am going to a 2 hour session w/ his counselor this week. We are moving across the country next month so hopefully we can find a good counselor there.
I will try to remind myself of that. I know he wants to do better. I can imagine how frustrated he feels. I think what bothers me the most is he finds things that work to overcome some of the symptoms of ADD and then discontinues them. That makes me doubt his desire to overcome it. I have a hard time not being a real witch to him. I look at him like a young wine. I took a sip and have to keep the bottle until it ages some. My patience is running out.
PS I am going to a 2 hour session w/ his counselor this week. We are moving across the country next month so hopefully we can find a good counselor there.
I wish you so much luck. Do what you have to do. Even when you understand something it may not be enough to deal with it on a daily basis. You can have sympathy for someone's situation and still need to get them out of your life.
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