Men in an abusive relationship?

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by funymann

I have seen this as well.

Talking to the man he is interested and with a rude interruption I hear from his wife, "WE are not interested!!"

I like to hear a good man hold his tongue but when this happens I have respect for him if he stands up for himself with a, "Hold on a second."

and there would be sheer hell to pay, when you left...believe me....holding his tongue, doesn't mean he is a whimp, far from it, actually, he has got a lot of self control and character, b/c he would never EVER have the last word, she would...and she would win....regardless...you cannot argue or reason with a sick mind....

[funymann]

Originally Posted by tuffyo

Thank you, cremebrulee. I am in an abusive relationship, making plans about what to do. Your comments are very helpful. I don't see my abusive wife actively manipulating me as you suggest - I don't think she does it consciously - that's the key. Instead, it's a set of really bad habits she has acquired over the years. But I do see her trying to convince me that I am stupid, losing my judgement, etc. etc. But I am NOT. In other words, it's emotional manipulation and torture.

And I see the other things too. The delicious sex after making up. The "I'm sorry. I don't know why". Hysterical sobbing and weeping. She says I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. All the usual crap. Rinse and repeat a zillion times. And then it all restarts a week later.

I actively fight her on this (not physically of course). I carefully point when she is lying to me. I try to be as constructive and positive as possible. I don't let her get away with bad comments to me without identifying it to her. I try to force her to be responsible for what she says.

She has now got the message that she is WAY too critical. She had criticized my driving (she hates to drive and I'm an excellent driver). I have actually stopped the car, taken my keys and coat in the middle of nowhere and said, "here, you drive." That stops her but she still wants to criticize. I do think that strength and decisiveness is real important here.

I am considering unilateral counseling for me alone (since she refuses to go). I see many of the same symptoms - the constant belittling, the perpetual criticism, etc. etc. Except that she has NOT gotten me to believe any of it. I KNOW that I am nowhere near as bad as she says. I am not perfect but I try to be the best husband possible in all ways. I think another woman would be thrilled to have me.

I am concerned that counseling for me alone will just escalate things beyond control. But I am not seeking counseling because I feel sick. Instead, I am looking for positive ways and new techniques to quickly deal with this situation. I told her that if I am the problem here (I doubt that I am), I would take responsibility for it and work hard to improve.

She is not the same delightful girl I married decades ago. She shows strong signs of Depression and OCD. Chain smoking and lots of caffeine is there too. I was deeply in love with her once. We have excellent children and grandchildren.

Yes, a divorce would wreck me financially. So, yes, the decision is extremely painful. I am also considering some sort of negotiated Separation where I continue to support her (instead of a full divorce), if she will agree to it. That avoids charges against me of Abandonement and it avoids financial Armageddon.

There is nothing physical here - I don't want to go to jail. I wouldn't hesitate to call the cops if she started wrecking the house or throwing dangerous objects at me. She would be mortified to have the cops appear.

And there are no third parties here. She has absolutely no interest in another guy. I want to resolve this situation before I even think of someone else.

As to why men tolerate this abuse, besides the financial destruction, you hate to see years of a mostly good relationship go down the drain. But you have to stop hoping. You have to decide. In my case, I have a written plan of escalation.

What is a amazing in all this is the warped psychology. My wife would be crushed if I left. She would be desparate to hide it from the family. She wouldn't stay in that house alone without me. Therefore, I will give her lots of warning and do this in small steps. Could she change?? I don't know but once I am separated, I will not easily return. I really don't want to be alone but you must respect yourself and have a good relationship with your partner.

A normal marriage you say?? When it turns to hatred, coldness, hostility and mind-numbing belligerent, dictatorial criticism, it is not normal.

The second from the last paragraph may be your answer.

A nice vacation 2 weeks. Tell her you need a break. Clear your head.

Print off homes or apartments in another town before you leave.

Pack up personal belongings and don't say when you will be back.

This might give her the encouragement to get help.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by funymann

The second from the last paragraph may be your answer.

A nice vacation 2 weeks. Tell her you need a break. Clear your head.

Print off homes or apartments in another town before you leave.

Pack up personal belongings and don't say when you will be back.

This might give her the encouragement to get help.

yes, I agree, however, if she doesn't seek help after this, then she never will....

but don't call her, don't tell her where you are, just tell her, your leaving....and you won't come back unless she agrees to seek help....long term help...b/c you cannot live like this any longer.

[Lilac110]

Originally Posted by djf863000

I was watching a documentary some years ago. There are a lot of men being abuse by their wives and probably a lot more then people think. But why so little men out and talk about it or if they do are not taken seriously?

Lots of reasons, some of which others have touched upon already.

1. If a man defends himself physically, he's often, and unfairly, the one who is arrested.

2. Shame and fear of being seen as less of a man to family, friends, and the community.

3. Fear of divorce and, where applicable, a potential fight for custody of the children.

Just recently I learned that my SO's ex-girlfriend kicked him in anger, intending to hurt him. This, while he was holding one of their pets, who could have reacted and taken a chunk out of his arm or face. That was pretty much the end of the relationship, and she moved out shortly thereafter.

All I know is that she's lucky he was holding their pet, because not only is he trained in how to restrain someone in the blink of an eye, he's got some insanely quick reflexes and he's trained in martial arts. In fact, I suspect she deliberately did it when she knew he had his hands full and couldn't flip her on her arse. I also suspect--although maybe this is giving her too much credit because she really is a dumbarse--she exploited not only the fact that men are often unfairly blamed and arrested for defending themselves, but that it would be a tremendous PITA for him to be so much as accused of harming her because of what he does for a living. As he recently counseled someone else about a similarly psycho ex-girlfriend who teetered on the edge of physical violence, "You're better off without her. She's one of the ones who will start something and when you defend yourself, you'll be the one in trouble, suspended with your gun taken away."

Unless a man's life is in imminent danger, the best thing he can do is walk away. It may not seem fair that I'm suggesting he not slug a woman back, but given the reality of what happens to men who raise a hand in self-defense from a woman, that is the smartest thing he can do.

[onihC]

Originally Posted by Lilac110

Lots of reasons, some of which others have touched upon already.
1. If a man defends himself physically, he's often, and unfairly, the one who is arrested.
2. Shame and fear of being seen as less of a man to family, friends, and the community.
3. Fear of divorce and, where applicable, a potential fight for custody of the children.
…she exploited not only the fact that men are often unfairly blamed and arrested for defending themselves…
Unless a man's life is in imminent danger, the best thing he can do is walk away. It may not seem fair that I'm suggesting he not slug a woman back, but given the reality of what happens to men who raise a hand in self-defense from a woman, that is the smartest thing he can do.

Well said. It’s unfair but not much can be done about it apparently.

I remember watching a report on American tv, a show like COPS or something, and it was about domestic violence. A neighbor called police about a couple who was disturbing the peace. This woman was beating her man. Police arrived and guess what happened. They handcuff the man, sit him in the car, and went to talk to the woman to find out what happened and then talked to the man. Having a man call the police because his woman is abusing him can get him in trouble. Sort of makes sense why men don’t look for help and why people think women being violent towards men doesn’t exist.

[tuffyo]

Thanks to all the posters. This is helping me and I hope it can assist others in a similar situation.

To Rakin, yes my adult kids know their mother very well and occasionally have big fights with her. Same with her own siblings.

I do have significant activities outside the house and I don't hesitate to spend time with buddies. But I don't push it. My cell phone is always on and I am reachable. And sometimes she calls. I do not feel like the browbeaten husband suffering in silence. I am very vocal and honest about her abuse.

To Cremebrulee, thanks for your continuing comments.

What is totally weird is that most of the time, my wife and I are great friends and we like being with each other. But the stupidest thing will set her off and she admits it and can't say herself why she does. It is truly Jekyll and Hyde (bipolar?). You would not believe the idiotic things we've had towering, yelling fights over. She admits that it doesn't make sense. I'm not a wimp so I will readily confront her. But it's an awful way to live.

And they really love her at work where she does an excellent job. But she is not allowed to have a nutty at work whereas it is "safe" for her to exercise her insanity against me at home.

I like to think I am presenting all this from someone who is (hopefully) emotionally healthy and I am dealing with it in stages. My goal is to get her to change - to bring her to the bargaining table, to get her to consider counseling (I suspect she is terrified of it). Once I am convinced that she will not change, I WILL HAVE MY ANSWER.

"A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

Usually it is the distraught wife who drags the beast of a husband reluctantly off to counseling. We have the opposite.

I will start unilateral counseling, days only and I will invite her repeatedly. If that fails, I will extend it to longer night group sessions. (See, I'll be away longer). If my wife shows absolutely no effect from this or angrily demands that I stop, I will chat with my lawyer again (I've already talked a little with him). I'm willing to go on those "couples weekend retreats" or "troubled marriage support groups" to be away a LOT longer.

Most men just go off to the bar (or they start an affair). What's the most common thing troubled husbands say at the bar?? "My wife doesn't understand me." Many men don't have a clue how women think. "That stuff is for your girlfriends", they'll say.

Get this (my lawyer suggests that I file first if it comes to that), after the fury and hurt of her being served, I'll bet she would come sniveling and weepy back. Do I want an emotional basket case on my plate?? There is the "in health and sickness" part of the marriage vows. But am I required to live with a monster?? Hey, I don't have an alcoholic on my hands (yet). She has already threatened "to take me to the cleaners". Folks, that makes your blood boil. I'll try to do a Separation before a full divorce.

I think ACTION is much louder than words and she may finally get the message that she could lose me. I'm extremely grateful that I had counseling experience decades ago (previous girlfriend) so I heartily believe in it. Lots of guys do not.

To misquote the Bard, "Hell hath no fury than a woman who refuses counseling."

[kremit]

Originally Posted by Lilac110

It may not seem fair that I'm suggesting he not slug a woman back, but given the reality of what happens to men who raise a hand in self-defense from a woman, that is the smartest thing he can do.

Walk away or commit suicide. Those are the only two options with men in an abusive relationship.

[cremebrulee]

Please do not ever resort to any kind of violence...no matter what, you DO have a choice, and that is to walk back.
My mother was evil, to her husbands....she hit them constantly...and her second husband hit her back, actually punched her, and he couldn't get over it, ever...until the day he died, he was aplogizing for it. She was horrible, and believe me, she beat me up to...until I left...
My heart goes out to anyone, who is abused...anyone...however, you do have a choice, LEAVE!
those of you who say, you stay for the children's sake, it doesn't do the children any good at all...believe me, growing up with someone like that, is horrible...horrible...so, get out and fight for the kids...you owe that to them...if you stay, the kids will grow up with horrendous problems...and may never recover...but resorting to hitting anyone back, is wrong....and believe me, I know, they get in your face and keep hitting you...it's crazy, they push you and push you...they follow you around, and won't stop, or let it go...awful situation and no one deserves to be treated as such...so please, get out and get professional help. No matter what you think, you do not deserve a life like that...
Me, I made some pretty bad choices, in my lifetime, and chose men that hurt me physically and mentally, b/c I didn't think I deserved any better, why, b/c I grew up in a very abusive home...so I promise you, your children, cannot help but have problems, and might even choose lifetime partners like their abusive mother/or father....it really leaves scars....AND SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION...

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by tuffyo

Thanks to all the posters. This is helping me and I hope it can assist others in a similar situation.

To Rakin, yes my adult kids know their mother very well and occasionally have big fights with her. Same with her own siblings.

I do have significant activities outside the house and I don't hesitate to spend time with buddies. But I don't push it. My cell phone is always on and I am reachable. And sometimes she calls. I do not feel like the browbeaten husband suffering in silence. I am very vocal and honest about her abuse.

To Cremebrulee, thanks for your continuing comments.

What is totally weird is that most of the time, my wife and I are great friends and we like being with each other. But the stupidest thing will set her off and she admits it and can't say herself why she does. It is truly Jekyll and Hyde (bipolar?). You would not believe the idiotic things we've had towering, yelling fights over. She admits that it doesn't make sense. I'm not a wimp so I will readily confront her. But it's an awful way to live.

And they really love her at work where she does an excellent job. But she is not allowed to have a nutty at work whereas it is "safe" for her to exercise her insanity against me at home.

I like to think I am presenting all this from someone who is (hopefully) emotionally healthy and I am dealing with it in stages. My goal is to get her to change - to bring her to the bargaining table, to get her to consider counseling (I suspect she is terrified of it). Once I am convinced that she will not change, I WILL HAVE MY ANSWER.

"A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

Usually it is the distraught wife who drags the beast of a husband reluctantly off to counseling. We have the opposite.

I will start unilateral counseling, days only and I will invite her repeatedly. If that fails, I will extend it to longer night group sessions. (See, I'll be away longer). If my wife shows absolutely no effect from this or angrily demands that I stop, I will chat with my lawyer again (I've already talked a little with him). I'm willing to go on those "couples weekend retreats" or "troubled marriage support groups" to be away a LOT longer.

Most men just go off to the bar (or they start an affair). What's the most common thing troubled husbands say at the bar?? "My wife doesn't understand me." Many men don't have a clue how women think. "That stuff is for your girlfriends", they'll say.

Get this (my lawyer suggests that I file first if it comes to that), after the fury and hurt of her being served, I'll bet she would come sniveling and weepy back. Do I want an emotional basket case on my plate?? There is the "in health and sickness" part of the marriage vows. But am I required to live with a monster?? Hey, I don't have an alcoholic on my hands (yet). She has already threatened "to take me to the cleaners". Folks, that makes your blood boil. I'll try to do a Separation before a full divorce.

I think ACTION is much louder than words and she may finally get the message that she could lose me. I'm extremely grateful that I had counseling experience decades ago (previous girlfriend) so I heartily believe in it. Lots of guys do not.

To misquote the Bard, "Hell hath no fury than a woman who refuses counseling."

In sickness and in health, doesn't mean you have to endure a hell to stand by your vows....believe me, many people go thru this, and the first thing you need to do, is get yourself in counseling, to find out why you put up with this so long, why you chose a partner like her, and to regain your own identity, b/c you've given it up. It is a long road and a whole lot of hard work and self examination, but if I can do it, you can to. And do not date for a long long time, b/c if you do, you'll only choose others like her...it is a pattern on our part.

I'm going to ask you some questions, you don't need to answer me on here...just ask yourself these questions and answer them truthfully.

1. Why did you marry?
2. there had to be flags, perhaps she didn't show her true self right away, until after you were married, however, there had to be flags, even little things that caused you to gasp inside, but you ignored them for many reasons.
3. You have to realize, you don't have to be a couple to be happy....
4. So YOU have the need to be controlled/having someone else tell you what to do
5. Did your mother, do everything for you? Or did she teach you to be independent.
6. Have you lost your confidence, your self esteem
7. does she badger you in public/put you down in front of others
8. You are not living, you are existing, in a life that someone else is dictating to you and you've made that your comfort zone...
9. Was your father or mother abusive?
10. You have completely compromised your identity to have someone in your life

Being in an abusive relationship is worse then anyone can imagine, however, and this is the hard part, there are reasons, why you are still there, and using the children, is a sorry excuse, b/c the children are at risk to grow up just like the abusive spouse.

Stop looking at her and her sickness....you have to get out and heal you...b/c there are a whole lot of things you will uncover about yourself and why you chose to be in this relationship...which you must find out in order to regain life and who you are...and believe me, it takes years...but self examination is the only way to heal and go forward, and you can do this...I promise.

When she is in a good mood and you are having a good day, believe me, she is manipulating you...I know it is a joyful, peaceful happy time and you wish she could be like that all the time...but she can't and won't until she herself seeks out help.

I am speaking from experience...when I was a little girl, no one ever thought or knew my mother was as bad as she was...honestly, no one would believe me...she put on such a good act...believe me, she was the same as your wife...I'm not saying your wife is evil, I don't know her but my mother was...and she could manipulate people, horribly...when I'd try to tell people what she did to me, they would tell her and I'd really get a beating...I do not know if your wife lies, however, my mother lies terribly, so much so that growing up, I used to clasp my hands so tightly and prey "God, please, please never allow me to be like her". And she'd acuse me of awful things...my life choices were affected badly by this upbringing and I chose people like her as husbands. Why? Because deep rooted inside, I didn't believe I deserved any better....like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman, someone tells you your no good long enough, you start to believe it. And it is so true!!!! And anyone who judges you and says, why do you take this, or gives you bad advice...don't buy it...don't allow them to put you down even more...ignore the negative and hold onto the positive....only you can do it...no one else...and taking those first steps will be the hardest part...

The reason she is being nice to you, well, it's like this....you give a dog a certain amount of lead, then to keep control, you pull them back, and that is exactly what she is doing....she is extremely manipulative....and the smallest thing can set her off, therefore, your always wondering upon waking, what is she going to be like today? What will I come home to, what will she accuse me of....I'm going to tell you what someone told me, "you can kick a dog so much, until after a while, they won't come back". It is so true...

So deserve so much more...and marriage is Not the answer here, right now, first you've got to get yourself on the right track.

You mentioned you had couseling experience years ago, with a girlfriend, but it obviously did not help, b/c you chose another like her....it is a pattern, I'm not trying to be mean, but there are some very deep rooted problems within you that you would choose someone who would hurt you like this...and I say this with all concern...and with all due respect.

My best regards....

Can a Wife Be the Abusive One in a Marriage? | Answers To Tough Questions