Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
They are wimps. I had a friend who was 6'7" and older than his fat 5' Mexican bad tempered wife. She would throw things at him and they would cut his eye or head and he'd be bleeding and bruised. She was immature, but he was a pushover so he just let it go. Finally they divorced because she left him to sleep around, but he would have stayed forever he told me. I would have called the cops on that B!
Funny, because we got the point at " fat 5' " , but when you through Mexican in there, then we really got the point...lol.
It was just funny because she doesnt have to be Mexican, White, Black or any other color to have a bad temper...lol.
Neither is better. People should not have to resort to violence for most matters. I've never had to fight someone physically. However, if she is beating him over the head with a phone and his eyelid busts open with blood spilling out, like my old friend, the guy needs to stop holding his hands over his head like a defenseless wuss, grab the phone, restrict her hands, shoulders, neck or whatever means to protect himself. Of course everyone wants to immediately blame the guy and run to the woman as the victim. In this case the best thing to do is walk away in a fight or flight situation. LEAVE, otherwise you encourage this behavior. She gets mad, the guy plays a nancy-boy, he apologizes as the victim usually does and she is rewarded with sympathy, affection etc. and thinks she can continue to do this.
Okay, but there is a difference between striking and restraint. I've used restraint with my wife, and she was a schizophrenic. I never saw ANY reason to strike her...just restrain her.
Men probably have different reasons to women for staying in bad relationships. Primarily - kids, poor men don't always get custody of the kids and men get just as attached to their children as women. Also, the kind of men who get abused are usually nice men who don't believe in smacking a woman in the mouth - they accidentally get caught up in a relationship with a nasty girl and that girl knows full well that her hubby is a christian/moral/kindhearted and takes full advantage.
I was in a relationship like that, very abusive mentally, financially, emotionally, and physically for 6 years, she really did a number on me...
And now she knows what she did was wrong yet she wont change her negative, bullying ways so theres no hope for her and shes 30 years old now
Im in a relationship somewhat like that right now and have been in it for two years plus. that is she talks to me in a tone of voice like she could care less how i feel and like she would leave me tomorrow. she doesn't live with me but i love her but i am so sick of her i could just screem
ewww you don't really love her then....eww she sounds mean ewww
Quote:
Originally Posted by Da2hott
Im in a relationship somewhat like that right now and have been in it for two years plus. that is she talks to me in a tone of voice like she could care less how i feel and like she would leave me tomorrow. she doesn't live with me but i love her but i am so sick of her i could just screem
I want to leave this relationship tonight because of the way she talks around me. Tonight she tells her friend that told her that she was taking latin dance lesson that she would go with her to her next class. I was upset with this because i don't want some other guy that close to my lady. when i asked her how she would feel if i did it she didn't anwser the question as always. she just said in a nasty tone i wont do it then but i want to but because i dont want to have the arguement later i wont. Now we don't have any kids together but i just love her so much an feel it one way. What do you think should i leave her ASAP or what?
I was watching a documentary some years ago. There are a lot of men being abuse by their wives and probably a lot more then people think. But why so little men out and talk about it or if they do are not taken seriously?
for many reasons and not just one...
they may have children...they don't want to leave, usually the wife gets the children...worry about who she dates, who will be their stepfather
leaving takes a whole lot of courage, and money and women, not all women, but a lot of women as abusive as what your talking about, will take their husbands to the cleaners..
b/c they possess very little self esteem and honestly do not believe they deserve any better...
they fear admitting to themselves they have made a mistake
because of their culture, the way they grew up and their religious beliefs, which leaving may go against...
because of the cycle of abuse...some may grown up in abuse, even minor abuse...controlling mothers/fathers, step parents?
shortly after the abusive event, the abuser, in order to gain control, will express remorse or guilt, shower the abused with kind words, make up sex that is the best...
Abusers are extremely manipulative...they know exactly what their spouse needs to hear to sustain the relationship, and the abusers are a lot of times, the most astounding and very skilled at making love...why, b/c to them, they feel to be good at sex is all they have, and it's a form of exceptional control.
The abuser is VERY GOOD at not only convincing the abused that it is all their fault...they control this person, by slowing, taking years, to brainwash the abused into believing they need them...and, they cut off very sublimitally, all their support lines, from friends and family.
The abused probably made a mistake in his/her life, which he/she blames themselves for, and is self persecuting due to the guilt they are bearing for that mistake.
Thank you, cremebrulee. I am in an abusive relationship, making plans about what to do. Your comments are very helpful. I don't see my abusive wife actively manipulating me as you suggest - I don't think she does it consciously - that's the key. Instead, it's a set of really bad habits she has acquired over the years. But I do see her trying to convince me that I am stupid, losing my judgement, etc. etc. But I am NOT. In other words, it's emotional manipulation and torture.
And I see the other things too. The delicious sex after making up. The "I'm sorry. I don't know why". Hysterical sobbing and weeping. She says I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. All the usual crap. Rinse and repeat a zillion times. And then it all restarts a week later.
I actively fight her on this (not physically of course). I carefully point when she is lying to me. I try to be as constructive and positive as possible. I don't let her get away with bad comments to me without identifying it to her. I try to force her to be responsible for what she says.
She has now got the message that she is WAY too critical. She had criticized my driving (she hates to drive and I'm an excellent driver). I have actually stopped the car, taken my keys and coat in the middle of nowhere and said, "here, you drive." That stops her but she still wants to criticize. I do think that strength and decisiveness is real important here.
I am considering unilateral counseling for me alone (since she refuses to go). I see many of the same symptoms - the constant belittling, the perpetual criticism, etc. etc. Except that she has NOT gotten me to believe any of it. I KNOW that I am nowhere near as bad as she says. I am not perfect but I try to be the best husband possible in all ways. I think another woman would be thrilled to have me.
I am concerned that counseling for me alone will just escalate things beyond control. But I am not seeking counseling because I feel sick. Instead, I am looking for positive ways and new techniques to quickly deal with this situation. I told her that if I am the problem here (I doubt that I am), I would take responsibility for it and work hard to improve.
She is not the same delightful girl I married decades ago. She shows strong signs of Depression and OCD. Chain smoking and lots of caffeine is there too. I was deeply in love with her once. We have excellent children and grandchildren.
Yes, a divorce would wreck me financially. So, yes, the decision is extremely painful. I am also considering some sort of negotiated Separation where I continue to support her (instead of a full divorce), if she will agree to it. That avoids charges against me of Abandonement and it avoids financial Armageddon.
There is nothing physical here - I don't want to go to jail. I wouldn't hesitate to call the cops if she started wrecking the house or throwing dangerous objects at me. She would be mortified to have the cops appear.
And there are no third parties here. She has absolutely no interest in another guy. I want to resolve this situation before I even think of someone else.
As to why men tolerate this abuse, besides the financial destruction, you hate to see years of a mostly good relationship go down the drain. But you have to stop hoping. You have to decide. In my case, I have a written plan of escalation.
What is a amazing in all this is the warped psychology. My wife would be crushed if I left. She would be desparate to hide it from the family. She wouldn't stay in that house alone without me. Therefore, I will give her lots of warning and do this in small steps. Could she change?? I don't know but once I am separated, I will not easily return. I really don't want to be alone but you must respect yourself and have a good relationship with your partner.
A normal marriage you say?? When it turns to hatred, coldness, hostility and mind-numbing belligerent, dictatorial criticism, it is not normal.
Thank you, cremebrulee. I am in an abusive relationship, making plans about what to do. Your comments are very helpful. I don't see my abusive wife actively manipulating me as you suggest - I don't think she does it consciously - that's the key. Instead, it's a set of really bad habits she has acquired over the years. But I do see her trying to convince me that I am stupid, losing my judgement, etc. etc. But I am NOT. In other words, it's emotional manipulation and torture.
And I see the other things too. The delicious sex after making up. The "I'm sorry. I don't know why". Hysterical sobbing and weeping. She says I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. All the usual crap. Rinse and repeat a zillion times. And then it all restarts a week later.
I actively fight her on this (not physically of course). I carefully point when she is lying to me. I try to be as constructive and positive as possible. I don't let her get away with bad comments to me without identifying it to her. I try to force her to be responsible for what she says.
She has now got the message that she is WAY too critical. She had criticized my driving (she hates to drive and I'm an excellent driver). I have actually stopped the car, taken my keys and coat in the middle of nowhere and said, "here, you drive." That stops her but she still wants to criticize. I do think that strength and decisiveness is real important here.
I am considering unilateral counseling for me alone (since she refuses to go). I see many of the same symptoms - the constant belittling, the perpetual criticism, etc. etc. Except that she has NOT gotten me to believe any of it. I KNOW that I am nowhere near as bad as she says. I am not perfect but I try to be the best husband possible in all ways. I think another woman would be thrilled to have me.
I am concerned that counseling for me alone will just escalate things beyond control. But I am not seeking counseling because I feel sick. Instead, I am looking for positive ways and new techniques to quickly deal with this situation. I told her that if I am the problem here (I doubt that I am), I would take responsibility for it and work hard to improve.
She is not the same delightful girl I married decades ago. She shows strong signs of Depression and OCD. Chain smoking and lots of caffeine is there too. I was deeply in love with her once. We have excellent children and grandchildren.
Yes, a divorce would wreck me financially. So, yes, the decision is extremely painful. I am also considering some sort of negotiated Separation where I continue to support her (instead of a full divorce), if she will agree to it. That avoids charges against me of Abandonement and it avoids financial Armageddon.
There is nothing physical here - I don't want to go to jail. I wouldn't hesitate to call the cops if she started wrecking the house or throwing dangerous objects at me. She would be mortified to have the cops appear.
And there are no third parties here. She has absolutely no interest in another guy. I want to resolve this situation before I even think of someone else.
As to why men tolerate this abuse, besides the financial destruction, you hate to see years of a mostly good relationship go down the drain. But you have to stop hoping. You have to decide. In my case, I have a written plan of escalation.
What is a amazing in all this is the warped psychology. My wife would be crushed if I left. She would be desparate to hide it from the family. She wouldn't stay in that house alone without me. Therefore, I will give her lots of warning and do this in small steps. Could she change?? I don't know but once I am separated, I will not easily return. I really don't want to be alone but you must respect yourself and have a good relationship with your partner.
A normal marriage you say?? When it turns to hatred, coldness, hostility and mind-numbing belligerent, dictatorial criticism, it is not normal.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Your post really broke my heart.
I am not a psychologist, but wow, your wife fits the "borderline personality disorder" description to a tee.
Take a look at the following questions. If you answer "yes" to most of them, your loved one might have BPD:
• Does she see you in one of two modes: either a hateful person who never loved her or a source of blessed, unconditional love?
• Does he continually put you in no-win situations? When you try to explain that his position is the opposite of what he said earlier, does it bring on more criticism?
• Is everything always your fault? Are you the target of constant criticism?
• Are there times when everything seems normal and you're on her good side-even idealized-but then for no obvious reason everything falls apart?
• When he's angry, does it degrade into a take-no-prisoners, vicious attack that leaves you reeling?
• Does she use fear, obligation, and guilt to get her way? Do you feel so manipulated that you don't trust her anymore?
• Are you starting to doubt your own sense of reality? Has constant exposure to his skewed sensibility, combined with isolation from family and friends, made you feel like Dorothy confounded in the strange Land of Oz?
Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness that causes those who have it to see people and situations as all good or all bad; to feel empty and without an identity; and to have extreme, blink-of-an-eye mood swings
It looks like that you are in no-win situation. You are obviously walking on eggshells with this woman. Counseling seems to be a good option at this point.
Thanks so much lillyflower. I am brand new to this group but it seemed very supportive. Yes, I am walking on eggshells. Yes, I bite my tongue all the time. I've told her that she is a ticking bomb. Yes, to most of your questions. I am amazed that I still have the psychic and emotional strength to see clearly what's happening.
I believe she is borderline Bipolar. I am not a trained psych but I've had lots of practical experience and I understand the principles. I can't really tell her she might be bipolar because she resents me "psyching" her. She readily admits that she is an angry, depressed b*tch. I don't even dare mention that they have terrific Depression drugs these days because that would require her to go to counseling.
My goal here is to help other people in similar situations.
Thanks again for your comments.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
