Is this Life?? (sociopath, guy, children, calling)
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Amy-- I am so sorry you are going through this. Like I said I have been in your shoes. The day I finally decided to leave my ex was extremely hard. I called my parents, told them I needed a place to stay and I was leaving my ex. My dad actually cried and said this was the best present I have ever given him.
Your family probably knows a bit of what is going on and are trying to stay clear and give you space. If you have family you can move in with; I encourage you to do so right away. Then get counseling, start going to AA, start your new life now. Please before another day passes.
As everyone else has already said, RUN as fast as you can. This man is extremely controlling and mentally abusive. If anything it will only get worse, he may also be insecure, therefore he will do anything he can to keep you down, make you feel like you're not worth anything and no one will ever want you, make you feel like s***, all his way to control you and keep you from leaving him.
Unfortunately, i doubt someone like this can ever change. You are too young to spend your life with someone that does not value all that you give.
As for the kids, it is a sad situation, but technically they are not yours, and you really need to think about whats best for you. You say that if you leave he won't let you see the kids, if he's a half descent father, i think that in time he would see how it affects the kids and he would let you be part of their lives. My heart goes out to the kids but honey you have a whole life ahead of you, don't waste anymore of it on someone that will never treat you and love you the way that you deserve.
My son adores my boyfriend, and i know that if we were to break up it would devistate him. I would do everything i could for them to continue a relationship, i would be a selfish b****, if i kept him from seeing him. However i would not stay in a relationship solely for the children, i did it once in my past marriage of 12yrs i was misserable and as it turned out my kids today don't really care for any kind of relationship with their father.
In this situation, you need to be somewhat selfish and put yourself first, at the end of the day you need to do what is going to make you happy.
I am already recognizing this. No one in my family knows this but I feel confident sharing with people who do not know me. Thats strange but maybe thats why most of us turn to forums in the first place.
The funny thing is that he is never physical. He never even raises his voice (maybe once or twice) Its all twisted psychological use of words. When he gets upset he cleans. Cleaning consists of throwing everything away. Or he will pick up something that has history in our realationship and say something like "Do you even want this any more?" If I dont answer he'll get madder and throw it away. He knows most of the time I want the object etc. but I can hardly ever bring myself to admit it. Im stubborn os the day is long.
Im no angel myself and he seems to bring out the worst in me.
I've been drinking every single night. If I dont drink we get along even worse. This has been going on for almost a year. I quit smoking a 2 years ago and have picked it back up in the last two months to the point of smoking 6 or 7 a day.
When we argue I call him names and ironically and sadly I must say he has taught me to be just as cruel with the use of my words.
I've never thrown anything at him but I throw things. I throw things at walls, I slam doors, I knock over chairs. One time I had about 4 loads of laundry on the bed all sorted with hangers on them ready to be hung and he came home from work in his usual wonderful mood.....ha.....He got pissed off at me because I didn't smile when he came to the door. So I went in the room and threw every and any piece of laundry I could find at our bedroom wall.
Last time we argued he said "well maybe we should stop trying to have a baby if you're so unhappy" I, and Im telling you this is not the person I am it is who I have become, turned around and told him that he "was absolutely right because why sould I want to bring a piece of **** like him in to the world" He looked at me in aww as if I had just turned into the devil himself and I felt like a complete and total ass. He ended up with tears streaming down his face......fake? Not my husband I've never seen his eyes even moisten.
So as a reply to your comment, I am already lost but I realize it and I dont want to be lost anymore. Im trying to take one step at a time to take me back to the road that leads me to where I belong. Who I used to be.
GOD I HATE WOMEN.
Rather than go into a sexist rant, let me just say that it is great you are realizing everything, and also great that you are venting on a forum. Now, pack your things and leave. He's not only destroying your life, but turning you into a mean person yourself. Maybe you haven't had a baby because he's had a vasectomy? Who knows with this CREEP. The age thing is a big deal. I'm 23. I can only imagine the reactions I would get if I married an 18 year old. He was 21 years your senior. Ok, so let's say the marriage worked perfectly. All of that could be chalked up to, well, we are soul mates. The marriage is working like a big steaming pile of ****. That indicates that he married you for all sorts of whacky reasons, and you need to leave. Of COURSE the kids understand what's up. When my parents yelled at eachother or fought when I was a kid, I understood perfectly who was to blame and what was going on. Those are some of my most vivid memories, even from time periods when I remember little else. You staying is not helping the kids.
He sounds like one of those cult leaders, who can sway a bunch of people into believing some phony religion, while he sucks their money and lives away.
Amy. I'm not a therapist. I'm just an ***hole. If you stay with him and let him destroy your life, you are a moron. If you leave, you might restore my faith in the opposite sex just little teensy bit. I think you realize that you will feel like you have a new breath of life, once you divorce this turd.
Why are women so blind?!?!? JUST DO IT, for f**** sake.
Okay. I'm going to be gentler than Chi above me. But I'm going to be honest nonetheless.
First thing to realize: The life you have is a result of the decisions you make. The sooner you stop blaming this guy for your misery, the clearer things will become to you.
Second: You're only 22. Yeah, I know you think you've seen a lot of life and, yes, you've seen more than your average 22-year-old. But your youth isn't even close to over yet...what the heck are you doing wondering if this is all there is. Here's something to remember--You won't even know who you are as a person until you reach 30. Yet, at the tender age of 19, you boxed yourself into a difficult position, one that you now have to extricate yourself. Also HAVING A BABY IN THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WILL BE THE STUPIDEST POSSIBLE THING. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?
Third: You're being used by a complete and total loser. He is still an abuser, whether he uses words or fists. And so now, his emotional problems are rubbing off on you in the form of your drinking, and your internalized rage that manifests itself by throwing things.
So here is my advice:
1) You already know it's bad, otherwise you wouldn't have confided in a bunch of anonymous people on the internet.
2) If you know it's bad, then why haven't you left? Seriously. Call your parents, and ask them to come get you. Trust me. Your parents love you beyond words. They'll do anything, anywhere, anytime to rescue you from this situation. They won't gloat. They won't say, "I told you so." They'll just love you. They're your best hope at this moment.
3) You have nothing keeping you back. Just his two children. And no matter how much you like them, they're not yours.
GET OUT. If you don't, then you deserve neither pity nor sympathy.
Let me say that in almost every case I am going to say - 1) get counseling 2) try to work it out and 3) stay for the kids. I'm extremely pro-family and an advocate for marriage.
Not in your case.
This guy fits a certain personality type - the charming, controlling behavior, belittling you, the gift of "gab". It's not pretty. It rarely changes, and usually gets worse. These guys are so slick, they know just how to get you. Check out antisocial personality disorder, see if it rings any bells. This guy is so manipulative (do you really believe that it just so happens you can't have a car? And that everyone you meet is "trash"?)
Secondly, you are very, very young. You made a mistake/you got duped. You can move on, find someone else, and hopefully not become bitter.
Here's what I'm afraid of: he'll convince you to stay, say all the right things. You don't know how much he loves you, the kids need you, he'll change. And then the real him will show himself again. And again. And again. And before you know it, you are in a much worse situation. You're now 29, traumatized, and even more attached to the kids (who are now even more attached to you). He's now hurt you more than you could ever dream. You want to leave but you are terrified of being on your own and not seeing your kids...
If it were me, I would get out. Now. I know that it's difficult thing. If you do choose to give him another chance, then put a time limit on it - 6 months. Make a list of what you want (including him going to counseling). If he doesn't do it, you have your answer.
Finally, I know you don't want to talk about the age thing. But think about it - he picked a young, naive girl who he could control. That's who he picked. That's what he wanted. Guys who do that are typically badddddddd news.
I agree with the other posters about talking with someone. These guys isolate you for a reason: they don't want anyone putting a bug in your ear. You need to talk to your parents and tell them what's going on. I would also call a domestic violence hotline (they also do work with emotional abuse).
You are obviously a strong woman, and you are going to need that strength now.
Itlchick I so agree with you. Why does the word "psychopath" keep coming to mind?
Let me say that in almost every case I am going to say - 1) get counseling 2) try to work it out and 3) stay for the kids. I'm extremely pro-family and an advocate for marriage.
Not in your case.
This guy fits a certain personality type - the charming, controlling behavior, belittling you, the gift of "gab". It's not pretty. It rarely changes, and usually gets worse. These guys are so slick, they know just how to get you. Check out antisocial personality disorder, see if it rings any bells. This guy is so manipulative (do you really believe that it just so happens you can't have a car? And that everyone you meet is "trash"?)
Secondly, you are very, very young. You made a mistake/you got duped. You can move on, find someone else, and hopefully not become bitter.
Here's what I'm afraid of: he'll convince you to stay, say all the right things. You don't know how much he loves you, the kids need you, he'll change. And then the real him will show himself again. And again. And again. And before you know it, you are in a much worse situation. You're now 29, traumatized, and even more attached to the kids (who are now even more attached to you). He's now hurt you more than you could ever dream. You want to leave but you are terrified of being on your own and not seeing your kids...
If it were me, I would get out. Now. I know that it's difficult thing. If you do choose to give him another chance, then put a time limit on it - 6 months. Make a list of what you want (including him going to counseling). If he doesn't do it, you have your answer.
Finally, I know you don't want to talk about the age thing. But think about it - he picked a young, naive girl who he could control. That's who he picked. That's what he wanted. Guys who do that are typically badddddddd news.
I agree with the other posters about talking with someone. These guys isolate you for a reason: they don't want anyone putting a bug in your ear. You need to talk to your parents and tell them what's going on. I would also call a domestic violence hotline (they also do work with emotional abuse).
You are obviously a strong woman, and you are going to need that strength now.
I am already recognizing this. No one in my family knows this but I feel confident sharing with people who do not know me. Thats strange but maybe thats why most of us turn to forums in the first place.
[b]
The funny thing is that he is never physical. He never even raises his voice (maybe once or twice)[/B] Its all twisted psychological use of words. When he gets upset he cleans. Cleaning consists of throwing everything away. Or he will pick up something that has history in our realationship and say something like "Do you even want this any more?" If I dont answer he'll get madder and throw it away. He knows most of the time I want the object etc. but I can hardly ever bring myself to admit it. Im stubborn os the day is long.
I've been drinking every single night. If I dont drink we get along even worse. This has been going on for almost a year. I quit smoking a 2 years ago and have picked it back up in the last two months to the point of smoking 6 or 7 a day.
So as a reply to your comment, I am already lost but I realize it and I dont want to be lost anymore. Im trying to take one step at a time to take me back to the road that leads me to where I belong. Who I used to be.
Amy, get away. That twisted psychological stuff is called gaslighting, designed to disarm and control and convince you it's your fault or that you are going crazy!
I drank very heavily when in this relationship to the point of being out of control. I ended up in the psych ward and the ER after an incident with him. This has never happened before in my life! He messed with my head via a variety of tactics, never getting physical (he did throw something and shatter a plate once, and I changed my phone number for a month, then got weak and went back.)
I so understand that feeling of being lost. I was so lost. I could not figure out how this happened! I became a person I had never been. He liked me when I was depressed and docile and unable to fight. It's when you stop fighting that there is a HUGE problem. You still have the fight in you, so time to move on before things escalate to the point of no return.
Amy, none of what you've written since your first post makes me want to say, "Oh, I get it now. No wonder she's still there." No, if anything, I'm even more certain that you need to leave. Acting out your rage by throwing things, drinking every night, calling your husband names... Does any of this sound healthy to you? Is this what you want the kids to be witnessing?
Let me tell you something. Children aren't stupid. My daughter knew what kind of man her father was from a very early age. At seven years old, she told me, "You blame yourself for everything, Mommy, just like I do." Out of the mouths of babes! And you know what? She was right.
Please don't have a child with him. Why would you bring an innocent child into this mess?! You really need to leave. My ex begged and pleaded with me not to go, but as soon as I was gone for good and he knew it, you'd think he had been the one to file. I soon realized that with him, I could never win. I left the kids with him (back to that "failure as a wife and mother" thing again!), which was a huge mistake. If I had taken the kids, I would have been "that b**** who took my children" to him. Instead, I was "that b**** who left my children". See how this works?!
I used to think that if I could just find the right way to communicate with him that he would finally listen. He would finally hear me, and truly understand my misery. Nope. It never did happen, and I learned not to care what he thought or what he said about me. It was very liberating to realize that I could hang up on him when he started ranting and raving about how awful I was, how I ruined his life, etc.
Get out. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200. But do call a lawyer and get some advice. If you've been acting as the kids' mother for so long, you probably have legal parental rights. You could end up paying child support unless a miracle occurs and you're given joint custody, but wouldn't it be worth it to be able to stay a part of their lives?
Amy, get away. That twisted psychological stuff is called gaslighting, designed to disarm and control and convince you it's your fault or that you are going crazy!
....
I so understand that feeling of being lost. I was so lost. I could not figure out how this happened! I became a person I had never been. He liked me when I was depressed and docile and unable to fight. It's when you stop fighting that there is a HUGE problem. You still have the fight in you, so time to move on before things escalate to the point of no return.
Amy, the bruises from a punch or slap will heal MUCH faster than the harm done to your self esteem and soul by the psychological games this man is playing with you. You will need to rebuild your sense of self one step at a time but first you need to LEAVE. In my situation the best thing my ex ever did was walk out the door. Yes, it was scary for the first couple of months, but my rebirth has been something to celebrate as each hurdle is crossed. You can do it, but the first step is the hardest. One foot in front of the other and one day at a time is the way to go.
I am already recognizing this. No one in my family knows this but I feel confident sharing with people who do not know me. Thats strange but maybe thats why most of us turn to forums in the first place.
The funny thing is that he is never physical. He never even raises his voice (maybe once or twice) Its all twisted psychological use of words. When he gets upset he cleans. Cleaning consists of throwing everything away. Or he will pick up something that has history in our realationship and say something like "Do you even want this any more?" If I dont answer he'll get madder and throw it away. He knows most of the time I want the object etc. but I can hardly ever bring myself to admit it. Im stubborn os the day is long.
Im no angel myself and he seems to bring out the worst in me.
I've been drinking every single night. If I dont drink we get along even worse. This has been going on for almost a year. I quit smoking a 2 years ago and have picked it back up in the last two months to the point of smoking 6 or 7 a day.
When we argue I call him names and ironically and sadly I must say he has taught me to be just as cruel with the use of my words.
I've never thrown anything at him but I throw things. I throw things at walls, I slam doors, I knock over chairs. One time I had about 4 loads of laundry on the bed all sorted with hangers on them ready to be hung and he came home from work in his usual wonderful mood.....ha.....He got pissed off at me because I didn't smile when he came to the door. So I went in the room and threw every and any piece of laundry I could find at our bedroom wall.
Last time we argued he said "well maybe we should stop trying to have a baby if you're so unhappy" I, and Im telling you this is not the person I am it is who I have become, turned around and told him that he "was absolutely right because why sould I want to bring a piece of **** like him in to the world" He looked at me in aww as if I had just turned into the devil himself and I felt like a complete and total ass. He ended up with tears streaming down his face......fake? Not my husband I've never seen his eyes even moisten.
So as a reply to your comment, I am already lost but I realize it and I dont want to be lost anymore. Im trying to take one step at a time to take me back to the road that leads me to where I belong. Who I used to be.
My ex rarely raised his voice either, and he was loved by all...and believe you me, they are class acts...my ex used to sit on the sofa and jump up and down like a kid....to get his way, or when I caught him cheating, he acted out like that while screaming, "I didn't do anything".
I'm not going to go into any more examples, but I will say this...they are good at what they do, and they chip slowly away at your whole being until you no longer know who you are any longer...they suck the life out of you...they don't give you credit for anything, everything you do is wrong, it is sublimital mind control...they chew you up and spit you out, and are very dangerous people. My DIL, I have seen a temper in her which scares me, and yet my son swears, she has never hit him, nor has a temper....I can't believe how good she is at seducing all whom she will allow into her world. My ex was the same way...and, they are not loyal, they own no conscience...they don't care about what they do....please, get away from him as fast as you can....
I will tell you this, I was so bad when I came home, mentally, people said they were really worried about me...and to boot....I developed MS...I wonder why? They deplete your nervous system and are very toxic people....they pretend to love, but they don't know how...not really...
I thought my ex was good, until I've seen my DIL in action, she completely astounds me....she should be on TV acting in one of those soap operas...
I want nothing to do with people like this, they are cruel, unkind, mean, and mental abuse, can be much more destructive sometimes they physical abuse.
I've seen my son change into someone I no longer know.
Please get out....he will destroy you if you don't and believe me, he will not let you go easily.
It wasn't until I left my ex that the neighbors started seeing him do things they couldn't believe, and they called me to give me their support, and tell me that they believed me...and what they had seen him do. Two days, after I left, he had another women in the house...and while I was married to him...I never knew, actually, I kept telling myself...he doesn't drink, he doesn't do drugs, he doesn't run around....well, he was doing all three but you would have never known or guessed...I actually caught him by accident....never suspected and neither did anyone else....
A real Class ACT! He got so involved in community functions....everyone loved him....
Hugs Creme
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You will need to rebuild your sense of self one step at a time but first you need to LEAVE. In my situation the best thing my ex ever did was walk out the door. Yes, it was scary for the first couple of months, but my rebirth has been something to celebrate as each hurdle is crossed. You can do it, but the first step is the hardest. One foot in front of the other and one day at a time is the way to go. 
