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Amy-
I admire the fact that you had the courage to post on this forum. It shows there is still some part of you strong enough to question the reality of what he has put you in. Sometimes it does take awhile to gather the courage to make such a hard decision. Please listen to all the people on here who have posted their experiences. I agree maybe you could adopt those kids so you could get custody if that's what you want. At least the little girl you mentioned could benefit from you being in their life. But think of what you are instilling in them right now by allowing them to see him treat you this way. What a thing it would be for them to see someone leave and stand up for herself.
I'm going to add myself to the list of one who has lived this way. Your husband sounds so much like my 1st it's scary. I was 17, and he was only 2 years older. In the 7 years we were together he slowly cut me off from all my friends and family. He could go to his friends, and down to the bar, but when I turned 21 I wasn't to go anywhere. He was a total control freak. The last 2 years I had to drink on the way home to numb myself to the misery of going home to him. They will say they will change, but they never do. He'd tell me I was fat and ugly, and I was lucky to have him because no one else would. Mind you I weighed 115-120 then. He did not want me going dancing with my girl friends because the guys looked at me, and that ruined his words of how undesirable I was.
You say he isn't physically abusive, but how much have you really challenged him? It sounds like he has you right where he wants you. You rush at the store to get home so he won't be mad. The more I started rebelling, the more angry my Ex got. One night he shot a gun at the ceiling and told me he'd kill me or my family if I didn't do what he said. You know why I finally had the guts to get out? I didn't care if I was dead, I just wanted out. That scared the crap out of me.
My advice - GET OUT. If you feel you need to get ready to do that, then work towards putting some money together, and if you want to have the kids find out about adopting them so they can go with you. It sounds like you are running a daycare - why can't you keep doing that by yourself? Why do you need him?
It's a hard place to be, and many here have been there. Find someone to talk to. Being isolated makes it hard to believe there is another world out there, BUT THERE IS. I look back at that time like it happened to someone else. I could never live like that again.
Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
I think the ability to leave a relationship is a process. "Leaving" is the end point.
I don't think she is at the point of leaving. I think the process needs to play itself out to a certain point. She needs clarification as regards who she is within that relationship with him, the children, but most of all, in relationship to herself.
That being said, there is a part of me that very strongly feels she knows exactly what her "gut" or core sense of self is telling her to do. In order to get there ultimately, however, she needs to come down on the side of her own resiliency and strengths. Those two things are very difficult to see, let alone captitalize upon, when in the midst of the situation she is in.
I can't help but wonder whether telling her to just "pack up, leave, and run" would almost come across as feeling invalidating to her at this juncture. I am hearing too much ambivalence in Amy, and that needs paying attention to. --I suspect she needs to pay attention to that in herself. Who she is in this relationship waxes and wanes throughout this thread. That is important.
I am not saying "stay" and I am not saying "go." I am merely observing/listening.
There is a very strong part of me that truly believes that she is attempting to not just salvage or rescue a relationship here, but ultimately, she is attempting to salvage/rescue herself. For the time being, however, those two dialectics (rescue relationship and self) are intertwined and/or merged at various points. "We are still trying" speaks to where she is in her own process; it returns her to what we call "baseline." --But each and every time she deviates from that the process progresses a little further...
I think that part of the cycle of that process is both her saving as well as sabotaging the relationship with him, and thereby herself. It's something that one is driven to do. It's easy for all of us to extract ourselves from a perspective of emotional distance and give advice. It is much more difficult to accept someone for where they are in the moment, to meet them where they are in the moment, and understand their ambivalence within a certain context. --And from there, to help in making sense out of it. To clarify what is really transpiring within that individual. To capitalize upon what the underlying issue truly is within her, figure out what she is replicating within the relationship, and how it is and is not serving her ultimately. ...And to thereby draw out the strengths of self that exist in her in such a way that she is able to help the process along. To make certain decisions whereby she is able to come down on the side of herself with greater clarity.
--Which is utlimately a whole other process. It's a therapeutic process which, if she so choses, could help her...
For the time being, (I suspect) it comes down to whether or not she has the sufficient ego strength to truly decide to leave. I'm not sure she does. --But that doesn't mean that the potential for that (ego strength) does not exist in her. It does. But there need to be a few more things in place, first...
Forgive me for saying this, (as I don't know how else to say it) but I tend to think that we play out certain aspects of ourselves, who we are, in our interpersonal relationships all the time; every day...It is understanding what it is that we are reinacting within our lives that is either serving our purposes (and how it is) or not. (And figuring out how it is not.) It's tied up with our self esteem, and our self esteem, in turn, is intimately tied up and into those replications. It's difficult to separate the two at times.
--But Amy certainly has the capacity to do that.
If she wants or so choses to. And/or, when she is ready to...
I only see him a few hours a day. In this time everything should be perfect right? Now he is going to 12 hour days. He will leave at 4 am and get home past 8 pm. (He works a long way off)
Is this saving our marriage right now? I think so.
Maybe is weakening it even more. Yesterday he was home all day and I can tell that he is trying. Maybe more so than I. Sometimes I'll catch myself shrug him off or grumble at him, or just flat out roll my eyes (which he cant stand) Then I think, god he's trying. Give a little. Its hard to change. I know that Im doing it because it feels totally unresolved. As always, Im a fight picker when I feel like not all has been said or that I have something to add.
I watched my father do this to my mother to some extent. The rushing thing, He would time her. Which I never understood when I was young. Yesterday she called me and said, "Im at the movie store, give me the name of the best new movie out." I told her "Juno" because its the best movie lately and that girls attitude is my little sister to the T. I watched it twice and thought about my sis the whole time....Anyways thats another story. I asked her why she didn't just look and she said oh you know your Dad.......
This is the reason I ran in the first place. I started dating a guy at 17 who my parents, or brother, didn't approve of. Of course they have never approved of any of them so whoopty do. Well this turned into all out sabotage of myself being. The guy was 26 and just so happened to be married but living seperatly....I thought no big deal, they were going through a divorce, they didnt live together...so what. Yeah -So what- was my family.
They got in touch with his wife, talked about us on and on. Would call me and tell me, He just wants you for sex, there's no way he like you because she says he likes curly hair and you have straight hair, lol I know, It went on and on, They changed my cell phone number and wouldn't tell me what it was........yeah it takes all of 10 seconds to turn it off and then back on...The number states at the beginning. I quit talking to them for over a week one time. wouldn't answer my phone or come home. They would call and leave ugly messages especially my brother.
I turned 18 during the relationship, my sisters curfew was 10 pm. We were at a party and I brought her and her BF so I took them home. My parents and bro were waiting. I walked them in told them I was going back, my brother said "oh he's over there huh?" I looked him directly in the eyes said "yeah, got a problem with it?" He grabbed my 4-wheeler keys out of my hand (idiot I came home for my car) chunked them across the living room cussed me for everything he could think of. A Slu*, whor*, bitc*. Jerked me to the ground, got me in a choke hold and started choking me then went to his stuff got a pistol out and started waving it around the room at me and slammed it against his head. I left. I came home the next day at around Noon to pick up my things and head back to college. This is not the only time things have gotten physical between me and him.
I broke up with the guy and they continued the verbal abuse for a while because I had too much pride to tell them any different and then it was like a downhill spiral from there. I was like Britney Spears, only worse. The next two months consisted of partying way too much, hanging out with any and every guy I met. I even made a boyfriend at a liquor store because he passed me and my girls hanging out the passenger side of a car showing us his pierced nipple. I was like water being sucked out of a bathtub until one day I just broke. I tried something that was incredibly crazy and unforgivable. I wont get in to details but I tried to kill myself.....I think my intentions were not to actually do the job but enough for everyone to know I meant it. It jolted everyone real quick. I got locked up for 3 months. I got out in June moved to Texas in July. Met my husband a couple of weeks later.......yeah I dont think that was too smart settling that fast.
As far a leaving.....should I go back to that? My brother is still there all the time.......Women shelter? Im too scared... I dont want to build myself from there when I can stick it out here and just deal with my husband for a few hours a day while Im getting ahead. Please dont think Im knocking any advice. Im just scared and its hard. Please keep talking this out with me It really helps.
I only see him a few hours a day. In this time everything should be perfect right? Now he is going to 12 hour days. He will leave at 4 am and get home past 8 pm. (He works a long way off)
Is this saving our marriage right now? I think so.
Maybe is weakening it even more. Yesterday he was home all day and I can tell that he is trying. Maybe more so than I. Sometimes I'll catch myself shrug him off or grumble at him, or just flat out roll my eyes (which he cant stand) Then I think, god he's trying. Give a little. Its hard to change. I know that Im doing it because it feels totally unresolved. As always, Im a fight picker when I feel like not all has been said or that I have something to add.
I watched my father do this to my mother to some extent. The rushing thing, He would time her. Which I never understood when I was young. Yesterday she called me and said, "Im at the movie store, give me the name of the best new movie out." I told her "Juno" because its the best movie lately and that girls attitude is my little sister to the T. I watched it twice and thought about my sis the whole time....Anyways thats another story. I asked her why she didn't just look and she said oh you know your Dad.......
This is the reason I ran in the first place. I started dating a guy at 17 who my parents, or brother, didn't approve of. Of course they have never approved of any of them so whoopty do. Well this turned into all out sabotage of myself being. The guy was 26 and just so happened to be married but living seperatly....I thought no big deal, they were going through a divorce, they didnt live together...so what. Yeah -So what- was my family.
They got in touch with his wife, talked about us on and on. Would call me and tell me, He just wants you for sex, there's no way he like you because she says he likes curly hair and you have straight hair, lol I know, It went on and on, They changed my cell phone number and wouldn't tell me what it was........yeah it takes all of 10 seconds to turn it off and then back on...The number states at the beginning. I quit talking to them for over a week one time. wouldn't answer my phone or come home. They would call and leave ugly messages especially my brother.
I turned 18 during the relationship, my sisters curfew was 10 pm. We were at a party and I brought her and her BF so I took them home. My parents and bro were waiting. I walked them in told them I was going back, my brother said "oh he's over there huh?" I looked him directly in the eyes said "yeah, got a problem with it?" He grabbed my 4-wheeler keys out of my hand (idiot I came home for my car) chunked them across the living room cussed me for everything he could think of. A Slu*, whor*, bitc*. Jerked me to the ground, got me in a choke hold and started choking me then went to his stuff got a pistol out and started waving it around the room at me and slammed it against his head. I left. I came home the next day at around Noon to pick up my things and head back to college. This is not the only time things have gotten physical between me and him.
I broke up with the guy and they continued the verbal abuse for a while because I had too much pride to tell them any different and then it was like a downhill spiral from there. I was like Britney Spears, only worse. The next two months consisted of partying way too much, hanging out with any and every guy I met. I even made a boyfriend at a liquor store because he passed me and my girls hanging out the passenger side of a car showing us his pierced nipple. I was like water being sucked out of a bathtub until one day I just broke. I tried something that was incredibly crazy and unforgivable. I wont get in to details but I tried to kill myself.....I think my intentions were not to actually do the job but enough for everyone to know I meant it. It jolted everyone real quick. I got locked up for 3 months. I got out in June moved to Texas in July. Met my husband a couple of weeks later.......yeah I dont think that was too smart settling that fast.
As far a leaving.....should I go back to that? My brother is still there all the time.......Women shelter? Im too scared... I dont want to build myself from there when I can stick it out here and just deal with my husband for a few hours a day while Im getting ahead. Please dont think Im knocking any advice. Im just scared and its hard. Please keep talking this out with me It really helps.
...And the above, I think, puts alot into context/perspective...It explains alot, even though I might only be able to say that on a purely superficial level on a message board.
You do not have to return to the "before" and to "that." It is not necessarily a question of chosing the "then" versus the "now." It's a question of understanding what transpired then, how it influences what is presently transpiring now, and how, if at all, you can get yourself out of a holding pattern. --Because that is what I suspect you are in.
It's okay to be scared. It's okay so long as you a) pay attention to that fear, as it informs one of alot; and b) decide to use it one way or another in order to determine what decisions, if any, you may be willing/able to reasonably make. Oh, and to refer to your quote, above:
YOU are the one who needs to keep "talking this out" and you need to find both your voice and someone who is qualified to both hear you and help you! You deserve to find that for yourself...
Amy, if I may say, I was scared to, right there in the same place you were...
one night, I asked my second husband a question, and he was all over me, with his hands around my neck, chocking me....he said, if I asked him another question, they'd find me in pieces all over the road out front.
Amy, some of us have been there...some of us even lower, but the bottom line is...LIFE is and can be so good, so productive...there are so so many opportunities out there, you simply must learn how to believe in that. It's easy to believe we don't deserve any better, b/c that is all we've known, but in the same, when we self distruct, when we believe we don't deserve any better, well, it's called self persecution...and that is why we fall into the wrong men so quickly. Amy, there is so much for you to learn...the Amy you really are...we're all weak, wrong, stupid, immature, and self destructive at times...but we learn, to know who we are, what we need and how to work for it.
Amy, the posters above are so right on and said it beautifully...it's time to go for help...you need strength and support, you need to surround yourself with those who care about you and want to help...and there are so many people, good people out there.
Just the fact that you are writing and hanging in there with us, shows you not only want better, but you know deep down in your heart of hearts, you deserve so much more.
We are with ya girl....taking that first step is very difficult, but once you do, the second step gets easier, then the third...then one day at a time.
Amy...your a beautiful woman and you deserve to believe that...it's not as difficult as you think...just that first step outside your comfort zone is all...you see, your comfortable with this, b/c you've never known better...and it's easy to push away the good people and gravitate toward those that would hurt us emotionally and physically.
Might want to try to go into the net and search out emotional abuse, and start educating your self on behavior patterns...it might help you see...
Also, Amy, search out counciling...and keep a daily journal...write down your feelings in that journal every single day...it helps...later, you go back and read and realize how far you've come...you physically see progress which is both a miracle and a life saver....believe me, one day, you'll look back and wonder why oh why did you accept so little.
Do you know what helped to change me...little things, like my girlfriend saying to me..."you've got to stop making yourself a doormat" or my cousin saying life is like an obscene phone call...you can pick up the phone and listen, or you can hang it up and move forward. My sister in law telling me, "Do you realize my brother has serious problems...you have to get outa there..or my ex's best friend saying, absolutely do not go back to him until he can treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Well, please do me one favor...read and reread everyone's posts here and think about what we are saying...
Sometimes when your in the darkness, it's hard to imagine anyone else going thru this and surviving, but I promise you...it does happen...we have been there, and Amy, there isn't anything you cannot do, if you put your mind down to it...BELIEVE IT.
I only see him a few hours a day. In this time everything should be perfect right? Now he is going to 12 hour days. He will leave at 4 am and get home past 8 pm. (He works a long way off)
Is this saving our marriage right now? I think so.
So in order to "save your marriage" you have to spend long periods of time apart from each other?
Do you breath a sigh of relief when he leaves and then you (and the children) have to become "someone else" the moment he hits the driveway when he gets home at night?
It's been said a trillion times, and I know you know what I'm about to say, but...
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
I can't believe you're only 22. That really boggles my mind because I'm 23, and from the first post, you've seemingly lived 3 more lives than I have already. You seriously need to get out ASAP. He's destroying your life. The whole first post was sad, and later, you state you drink on a daily basis. He's turning you into an alcoholic also...this is just really, really unhealthy. You need to stop ASAP.
I know he's not physically abusive, but it doesn't matter. He's unbelievably controlling, and if he is 21 years your senior, he's really not going to change.
Pack up your things and leave, immediately. I really hope you'll reconsider, for the sake of your own well-being, because he's slowly shaving time off your life.
EDIT - I'm sorry, those caveats you made at the end of one of your posts, regarding how he is NOT to hit speed dial anymore, or whatever, you can't seriously believe he's going to follow all of them?
But as Creme said earlier. It's your life. Best of luck. I'm hoping you'll make the best decision for yourself.
Hi Amy, I am going through a similar thing to you - my post is 'My husband is killing me' - Great heading isn't it?! And true. I have been married for 15 years - known him since 1987 - I have had some good times with him and some terrible times. My hubby is a charmer too - when he wants something. He has also got the nastiest tongue and he is really a horrible person. I have two children that are mine - but I can understand how hard you would find it to leave the kids - I don't think I could. I think I would legally adopt them and then take the kids with me when I left. I couldn't leave two kids with a man who was so nasty. I am still going round and round, it has not got any easier in all the years I have known this man. I used to be slim and pretty - I am now overweight - but when I was slim he would tell me what I could and couldn't wear. He tried to stop me from learning to drive - I ignored him - when he gave me lessons, well god help me, he would rant and rave like a lunatic!! But I passed my test. I have my car and my job, I know I am worth more, I know the problem is with him, but still it is so hard to take that step and LEAVE. I do understand. Perhaps we can encourag each other. Words I would use to describe my hubby - nutter, idiot, pathetic, stupid, lunatic, unstable, crazy, stubborn, charming, kind-to-animals, changeable, manipulative, irrational, insecure, scared, hateful, vengeful, affectionate (!) soppy, unrelaible, useless, funny, unpredictable, dangerous...... You see, it's a whole mix. And that is what is so confusing, he's not just some pathetic loser, he's also this charming, animal loving kind, affectionate, soppy man. If he was a gun-toting maniac I would have gone a long time ago, but he isn't so frightening that it's easy to leave and yet he is killing me bit by bit by bit. I was as strong as a horse, fit as a fiddle, never sick, now I have this auto immune thing, I can't believe it!! It's like I am 'DYING' to get away from him - and maybe if I don't leave this relationship alive I will die - just to get away from him. Now that is scary. But I do understand. You are so much younger, you are healthy at the moment. I would adopt those kids first. Then think some more.
Amy I do hope you are well. Thank you for opening yourself up in such a public way, that took courage and I commend you for it.
Your story does make sense, may I remind you that our past does not define us. All you have is in this very moment, you do not have to make any major life changes, nor do you have to leave him right now. You have choices. It took me two years to leave, (that was me) if I would have left sooner I would have fell into the trap of wanting someone to rescue me again. Yes the thought of change is scary, but it's not nearly as scary as what you're living with on a daily basis.
I have my own independence and can live out my dreams, it's pure heaven on earth. You do not need to live in the hell you are in, but you don't need to leave one bad situation for another. As a very wise friend told me, when the time is right....you will know. We will be here for you in the mean time. You've come to the right place, you are safe.
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