Becoming sexually involved early on: (social, sleeping, looking, different)
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I look at sex like a drug (not that I take drugs). Yeah it gets you off and makes you feel good in the moment, but the next day when you wake up and reality sets in...how will I feel then? The high isn't worth the low. I had sex, the guy doesn't call, I really like him even more, and he's nowhere to be found. For some of us that really hurts...maybe crushes us. For some of us it's not worth the high we felt for I dunno...15-30 minutes, for the heartbreak that lasts weeks afterwards. So call me a prude, I don't care, but an orgasm isn't worth the pain of rejection and heartbreak.
I don't withhold sex to play games...but I WILL not have sex with a guy within 5 dates guaranteed...because I don't know him. I don't know his intentions...there's no way I can. 5 dates is such a short amount of time it's so easy for anyone to put on a mask, tell you what you want to hear, and take off once they get it. I have found, however; that the guys who are willing to wait longer are interested in getting to know ME. They want to go beyond being physical and get to know me on an emotional, psychological, and intellectual level. Not too many guys make it to be honest and I like it that way because my screening process obviously works
To those of you that claim that this 'hit and quit it" talk is a myth...please take the time to read countless of "I had sex with him and now I haven't heard from him" or "We had sex and it's not the same anymore" threads that are posted on a weekly basis from women who are "making this stuff up." Oddly enough the advice to them is often "Well...you shouldn't have put out so soon"
No judgment of those who are all for casual sex...but don't look down on those of us who don't as overly cautious or prudish because we have OUR OWN best interests and feelings at heart over your dycks.
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Originally Posted by Faith2187
I so agree with both your posts-I'm the same exact way as you, guaranteed no sex for the first 6 dates, I need to develop a bond, I am one who does attach emotions to sex(like a lot of women) and the last thing I would want is to have sex with the wrong man, and get hurt in the process because I had sex with him too early to know his intentions. Therefore not only do I wait it out because I am not comfortable having sex early on, and need several interactions and dates to get to know them and their intentions prior to sex, but I also wait to protect myself(my heart, my body). And I have no concern about "losing" out on men because they had different beliefs about sex and did not want to wait. They think I'm playing games because I won't give it up fast enough, then so be it. We all get in where we fit in. While many of the guys that did walk away called me a prude and whatnot(not just because I do make guys wait but I also have a low partner count for my age which always surprises them and not in a positive way unfortunately) later on they admitted that while they could not wait and would not, that they oddly respected me for it, despite admittingly preferring girls that do have sex earlier. It is what it is-the only thing that gets on my nerves is that there are women that would actually like to have sex early, and are very comfortable with it, that choose not to because they read rule books or studies like the op posted, and because they are not following their own minds and playing games and/or following rules it's assumed that any woman that waits is doing the same. Another thing that irks me is the idea that if I liked them enough I would sleep with them soon. It takes me several interactions with a person to develop feelings, and no in general I have never felt like i knew a guy enough to sleep with him after spending 3 dates with him...
This is pretty much my own personal view point as well.
To me sex without emotional attachment is pointless. I feel the same about casually dating. I don't really have a problem with other people having a different view point than me on the matter. When I am at school or just out in general talking to people, they INSTANTLY can tell that I am not sexually active. (I guess they can sense it? lol) They proceed to bombard be with all kinds of uncomfortable questions and claim to know what my problem is, despite after hearing my reasons for being the way that I am.
It used to bother me before and I used to think less of people who had sex casually simply because I didn't agree with it for myself. Now that I am older and put a little thought into it, I realized people have the right to live their life the way they see fit. It's none of my business. What perplexes me about this thread is that so many seem to think there is a right and wrong in terms of sex. I see a lot of posts form people talking down to those who are on either side of the spectrum. That confuses me.
I work hard for sex. I do planks, lots of tricep excercises to be able to hold myself up for extended periods of time. 45-60 min of cardio at least 3x a week.
It's no joke.
You don't think women do this?
Also, waxing hurts like a mutha, and blowouts and underwear from Vickie's are expensive.
And yeah, I know you and a bunch of other guys are going to say "we don't care about that stuff (blowouts, sexy lingerie, etc.) but it's fun for me to look all sexified so it's worth it
But seriously, if someone looks at the "effort" (whatever that is) it takes to be with someone as "work," they are sadly missing the point of sex.
Also, waxing hurts like a mutha, and blowouts and underwear from Vickie's are expensive.
And yeah, I know you and a bunch of other guys are going to say "we don't care about that stuff (blowouts, sexy lingerie, etc.) but it's fun for me to look all sexified so it's worth it
But seriously, if someone looks at the "effort" (whatever that is) it takes to be with someone as "work," they are sadly missing the point of sex.
Yeah, I missed that initial post but I also do 45-60 minutes of cardio twice a week and a half hour of weights 3 times a week.
I also do Pilates about once a week (and that is HARD on your abs and butt, I mean it's brutal) as well as 215-240 crunches a day (although it can be only 100 crunches in the morning on the days I do Pilates.) I do 100-120 crunches every morning as part of my morning routine. When I'm at the gym I'll do the remaining crunches on an incline.
I also get my nails shellac'ed every two weeks, and don't even get me started on the hair. I'm a black girl and I don't go natural, let's just leave it at that.
On "date nights" with my babe I basically shave my whole body. I've encouraged him to cut down on his drinking but then since I think it's only fair that we BOTH prioritize trying to be as healthy as possible for each other, I went cold turkey on my sugar addiction around the New Year. Let me tell you, it is possible to withdraw from sugar. No, it was not fun.
So yes, I agree... this "work" is not exclusive to men.
Last edited by torontocheeka; 02-05-2016 at 04:24 PM..
Some men have double standards in that they'll sleep with you early on and then criticize you for doing so and not being able to trust you. I think these men have their own issues.
That was one point in creating the topic, with an article detailing the nature of and having seen many discussions of.
I think if there had never been a "double standard" established, it would not have created an "inner conflict" for males with "false consequences" for females. It is kind of ridiculous, with some having been programmed how to think. If you do, it's wrong - if you don't, it's wrong.. a woman is being a prude, or a tease..or a s___. What is a man called, running around trying out the goods? It's kind of like there being luscious dessert available and both want to enjoy it.. but afterward, the man judges her for having had some, when it was just fine for him to do so. (What year is this ??)
As many have said, there exists various outcomes for singles or couples, depending upon which personalities get together and what the situation may be. I think outdated notions should go - and many should rethink the "getting to know you" process.
I see the topic has prompted a few thoughts... carry on, people.
Um ... this ^^^, not so much. That's actually a pretty gross viewpoint.
It basically takes you back to the "bases," and depicts a sexual relationship like an obstacle course through which a guy can progress IF and only if he has passed whatever tests the woman set up.
"Pay him as certain goals are met during the construction"???? Ugh
And I'm saying this as a person of faith who is not at all opposed to hearing advice from a minister.
Pretty sure she means he is living up to his word thus far (goal), he is showing himself to be sincere in wanting things to move forward (another goal), not hoops to jump through.
It is just a different way of saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" that our parents and grandparents said, but the thing is this saying stuck around for a reason, there IS some truth to it. There are tons of guys who won;t move further with you if you sleep with them right away, I know because I dated some of them in my younger days.
Yes it IS gross, but it is true to degree as well. Men do seem to value what they have to earn (and by earn I mean "be the best man they can be", held to a high standard of respect, etc) and I am only sorry it took me more than 3 decades of dating to learn.
I put myself on the clearance rack in the eyes of these guys when I slept with them right away, and they ended up treating me that way.
That's not to say this happened with everyone. Of course there are also guys I slept with quickly who DID want a relationship with me anyway, I am not painting all men or women or couple with a broad brush...but there are enough men (especially young men IMO) whose feelings for a woman are negatively affected by getting her into bed too easily that I would advise a young girl who wants a relationship to wait until she knows the man is a good man who wants the same things.
Even though this is likely a condescending jab, I will clarify anyway. I don't need the girl to be a virgin that has never been with a man before. Simply one that doesn't give it up easily.
Here's what bothers me about this. You are saying in this and other posts that a woman is pretty much trashy if she gives it up easy and mainly it's because it's so easy for women to have sex so she's easy if she partakes of what comes easy.
See, even at my advanced old age I could probably at least go pick someone up and have sex at any time if I was of a mind to, and I could probably even pick someone up who wasn't half bad--got invited to go home with a man last Saturday night that I was attracted to. But, I don't do this. I can go months and even years without sex when there's no one around that I want to be with, which is over 99.99% of the time. But, by your definition I'm trashy and unfit to have a relationship with a high quality man b/c I might be so attracted to that man that I choose to have sex with him on the third date, after hours and hours being together and talking on the phone every night between meeting him and the third date. Well I don't really care what you think but I just find this odd.
Even the women with the most free of values is pretty selective on who she sleeps with, though that can really drive men crazy and cause them to label her b/c they think, "She slept with so-and-so, why not me?" That's one of the reasons they hate so called sl*ts.
But here's another question for you Akonyo--sorry I didn't go back and get the post that I'm referencing, but one woman said she made her ex wait 6 mo before sleeping with him, but on one of the 3 relationships she had after the divorce, she only waited till the second date with him, proving that many women have widely varying habits in this: how do you know the woman you're talking to won't make you wait 6 mo or whatever your predetermined time is for waiting, when maybe she slept with the last guy on the first date? How do you know for sure? Hmmm?
If there is one thing I've learned in working with people--it's that a judgmental attitude shows and will shut people down faster than almost anything you can do. It's a shield that the judging people use to bolster up their pride when they can't feel good about themselves in any other way.
I didn't think the article is bad, but it is written with assumption that all women want (or should want) sex to lead to a long-term relationship, and that men expect to get in their pants as soon as possible; really it's one author's opinion, based on a fairly outdated viewpoint. That completely discounts the fact that sometimes we just want to get laid too, and are fine with it not resulting in a relationship. There is no emotional risk of getting hurt by having sex early on, unless the expectations you've placed on the relationship aren't met.
This is true.
For me, I want a relationship with marriage and to share my life with a partner. By having sex, I am not enticing men to want to marry me. So this is it for me. This will be the last man I sleep with prior to marriage.
I have no desire to just being laid. I have a drawer full of toys that can fix that issue. So it is that simple, they want sex then they can choose to want to spend the rest of their lives with me or they can move along.
Because there is no way for a woman to "beat" the double standard she has to do exactly what SHE wants to do. If the guy can't handle it, whichever way it goes, then it's just too bad and on to the next.
Because there is no way for a woman to "beat" the double standard she has to do exactly what SHE wants to do. If the guy can't handle it, whichever way it goes, then it's just too bad and on to the next.
This is a good point. Depending upon a guy's particular POV, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't, so do exactly what YOU want to do. Period.
Actually, while I've by no means claimed to be chaste, I've spent the bulk of my 20's in long-term relationships spanning 2-3 years, but it's nice to see that you're still owning your hypocrisy without remorse. Yep, you can whine like a little b***h that assumptions are being made about the ugliness of your face and the size of your peen, but making assumptions about my lifestyle? That's cool. No problems there.
Gee, I wonder why it is that you just can't seem to remedy this enduring lifelong problem of being single and finding a mutually emotionally fulfilling relationship you seem to be having. Why is that "quality" women seem to want nothing to do with you? I wonder.
Such complete ownage!
The best part is that he's making all of these assumptions about the women here. I wonder how many women here who fit his criteria for "quality" would have nothing to do with men like him. I certainly wouldn't. Last time I was with someone was in a very long relationship that ended two years ago, despite having a few "offers," as he likes to call it, and yet I would go to my grave having never slept with another man again before deigning to date someone who thinks like he does. Quite frankly, a man could be Henry Cavill and that attitude would get him bounced right out of my line of sight.
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Oddly enough the advice to them is often "Well...you shouldn't have put out so soon"
