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I have posted quite frequently on here about my troubles in my 1.5 year marriage with my husband. He is 10 years older (23 & 33) and we are from different backgrounds (I'm Amerian and he is from Mexico). I was the one who posted previously about how he bought me nothing for Christmas but got two friends used IPhones.
3 weeks ago my husband got angry when I accidently locked him out on the patio (long story but the door doesn't have an actual lock it's a lever and I moved it too low). He didn't like that I wanted to argue about it, so he punched a hole in our wall. After that, I was destroyed inside. It was like all the feelings went out of my body. I do not tolerate any signs of future domestic violence. I went to an individual counseling session because I felt lost and she suggested i invite my husband. That night when I asked him he became very upset and said "will you run to the counselor every time we have a problem? Because if so this won't work. Do you just want me to tell you i'm wrong and you're right?" He relucantly agreed to go to the counselor that week. At the counseling office, I felt he was quite rude. He kept asking her how old she was, if she was married, etc to undermine her credibility. I complained of how he never helps around the house, punched the wall, and is always too tired from work to do things. His response was "Well what do you want me to do? Quit my job so we can be on foodstamps?" We are nowhere near close to that both working full time making nearly $40,000 a year each. I felt defeated and like I couldn't fix things.
This past weekend was Valentine's Day. My husband worked as always, but did bring me roses home. While I was at the nail salon, one of our mutual friends texted me to see what was up. He stopped by there when I was done, professed his love for me, and then gave me a dozne roses! This was my husband's best friend of 7 years. I was shocked and went home to throw them out. But to my suprise, my husband got home early and saw them. I made up a quick lie that they were for my cousin's bday. We went out dancing that night with my cousin and had a great time. The next morning as soon as I got up he started his jealousy again "Why did you and your cousin go sit on the couch alone last night? Who was texting you and what was so funny?" We were posting a facebook status! Then he said "I can't wait to get my Visa" over and over again which to me implied he wants to leave me. He is currently in process of getting a permanent residence card.
This Monday I was working and he was off. He texted me asking me for my computer password...he never ever does so unless to snoop on me. I legitimately don't remember and told him so. He said that I "must have something to hide" and "so you don't know your password! Can't wait to get my visa." When I got home I confronted him about everything. He asked me about the roses from Saturday and I admitted his best friend gave them to me. To my suprise he was livid at ME for not telling him instead of the friend. I told him I didn't want his feelings hurt or for him to go kill the guy and end up in jail/deported. He got mad I thought he was angry enough to punch someone...well he did just punch the hole in the wall. And he claims he said he "can't wait to get his visa" so he can "go on vacation and relax." I hid my gun in my trunk that night and he texted me "should i call the police or you took the gun and think i'm a psycho so i can pack my things and move." I was upset and felt like things were over. The next day I went on a lunch date with a guy I had known for over 4 years, and I did kiss him but nothing more.
Tuesday we had the same fight again. I again told him I need more help around the house and for him to acknowledge that he was wrong to punch the wall. Again we fought and he started crying! Yesterday he finally fixed the hole in the wall after 3 weeks and vacuumed the floor for the first time in our entire marriage. I was happy that maybe he is finally listening. But do I give him another chance when he has shown repeated jealousy? To go over other issues...he didn't tell me he had a child till 1 year of dating, broke my phone when an ex texted me, and wouldn't let me get married at the church my grandparents founded cuz his "friends wouldn't drive that far." Do you think this marriage is worth saving? Should i give him another chance or admit I kissed another man? I love my husband but ever since he punched the hole in the wall I haven't been able to get my feelings back for him...we haven't had sex in over a week and that time I felt somewhat lifeless. Is there any way to fix this?
I have posted quite frequently on here about my troubles in my 1.5 year marriage with my husband. He is 10 years older (23 & 33) and we are from different backgrounds (I'm Amerian and he is from Mexico). I was the one who posted previously about how he bought me nothing for Christmas but got two friends used IPhones.
3 weeks ago my husband got angry when I accidently locked him out on the patio (long story but the door doesn't have an actual lock it's a lever and I moved it too low). He didn't like that I wanted to argue about it, so he punched a hole in our wall. After that, I was destroyed inside. It was like all the feelings went out of my body. I do not tolerate any signs of future domestic violence. I went to an individual counseling session because I felt lost and she suggested i invite my husband. That night when I asked him he became very upset and said "will you run to the counselor every time we have a problem? Because if so this won't work. Do you just want me to tell you i'm wrong and you're right?" He relucantly agreed to go to the counselor that week. At the counseling office, I felt he was quite rude. He kept asking her how old she was, if she was married, etc to undermine her credibility. I complained of how he never helps around the house, punched the wall, and is always too tired from work to do things. His response was "Well what do you want me to do? Quit my job so we can be on foodstamps?" We are nowhere near close to that both working full time making nearly $40,000 a year each. I felt defeated and like I couldn't fix things.
This past weekend was Valentine's Day. My husband worked as always, but did bring me roses home. While I was at the nail salon, one of our mutual friends texted me to see what was up. He stopped by there when I was done, professed his love for me, and then gave me a dozne roses! This was my husband's best friend of 7 years. I was shocked and went home to throw them out. But to my suprise, my husband got home early and saw them. I made up a quick lie that they were for my cousin's bday. We went out dancing that night with my cousin and had a great time. The next morning as soon as I got up he started his jealousy again "Why did you and your cousin go sit on the couch alone last night? Who was texting you and what was so funny?" We were posting a facebook status! Then he said "I can't wait to get my Visa" over and over again which to me implied he wants to leave me. He is currently in process of getting a permanent residence card.
This Monday I was working and he was off. He texted me asking me for my computer password...he never ever does so unless to snoop on me. I legitimately don't remember and told him so. He said that I "must have something to hide" and "so you don't know your password! Can't wait to get my visa." When I got home I confronted him about everything. He asked me about the roses from Saturday and I admitted his best friend gave them to me. To my suprise he was livid at ME for not telling him instead of the friend. I told him I didn't want his feelings hurt or for him to go kill the guy and end up in jail/deported. He got mad I thought he was angry enough to punch someone...well he did just punch the hole in the wall. And he claims he said he "can't wait to get his visa" so he can "go on vacation and relax." I hid my gun in my trunk that night and he texted me "should i call the police or you took the gun and think i'm a psycho so i can pack my things and move." I was upset and felt like things were over. The next day I went on a lunch date with a guy I had known for over 4 years, and I did kiss him but nothing more.
Tuesday we had the same fight again. I again told him I need more help around the house and for him to acknowledge that he was wrong to punch the wall. Again we fought and he started crying! Yesterday he finally fixed the hole in the wall after 3 weeks and vacuumed the floor for the first time in our entire marriage. I was happy that maybe he is finally listening. But do I give him another chance when he has shown repeated jealousy? To go over other issues...he didn't tell me he had a child till 1 year of dating, broke my phone when an ex texted me, and wouldn't let me get married at the church my grandparents founded cuz his "friends wouldn't drive that far." Do you think this marriage is worth saving? Should i give him another chance or admit I kissed another man? I love my husband but ever since he punched the hole in the wall I haven't been able to get my feelings back for him...we haven't had sex in over a week and that time I felt somewhat lifeless. Is there any way to fix this?
All I needed to see was the bolded. You need to get out of there asap, and stay with a relative or friend. If you think the marriage might be salvageable (after years of intense anger counseling for him), you should still file legal separation papers and split until he changes but it will take a LONG time for that imo. If there's no possibility of saving the marriage, file your divorce papers and bounce. Infidelity or Abuse are two things which CAN'T be allowed.
I think you are asking the wrong people this question. You should be having a conversation (not an argument) with your husband. Is this a marriage that either one of you WANT to save?
To be honest, from what you've posted here, it doesn't sound like you want to be in this marriage anymore. And from what you've posted, it's doesn't sound like he does either, but there are always two sides to the story.
If your marriage is to continue, it's going to take work from both of you. It's going to take time to rebuild trust, rekindle romance, and develop boundaries and "rules". It's going to take time and effort that you both have to agree to give. If either one of you is not comitted to the effort, then it's just wasted time.
I would say that's what you get for locking him out of his house...
Did you read it? I said it was not on purpose. What happened was I came home from gym, saw he was on patio and opened door to ask why he never responded to my call. He said he was on the phone with his mom so I closed the door and went inside to get a shower. I noticed after my shower he still wasn't in the room so I went to look on the patio and he was gone! Dumb dumb jumped off our 2nd floor balcony, drove to the bar to get drunk with friends and I found him there, I went inside to confront him for 1 min then went home. When he got home he tried to hide under the covers but I wanted to know what I did wrong. He said "you locked me out on purpose!" which I didn't. If he had called me to let him inside I obviously would have done so. He got mad I was arguing and punched the hole in the wall...
I think you are asking the wrong people this question. You should be having a conversation (not an argument) with your husband. Is this a marriage that either one of you WANT to save?
To be honest, from what you've posted here, it doesn't sound like you want to be in this marriage anymore. And from what you've posted, it's doesn't sound like he does either, but there are always two sides to the story.
If your marriage is to continue, it's going to take work from both of you. It's going to take time to rebuild trust, rekindle romance, and develop boundaries and "rules". It's going to take time and effort that you both have to agree to give. If either one of you is not comitted to the effort, then it's just wasted time.
You are right. He did suggest we go to a trip to New Orleans to rekindle the romance...but that's not really what I want. I don't want him to think he can punch holes in the wall then "buy me back" with a trip so to speak. I want actions and fixing things. But since he won't return to the counselor...it may be hard to get my feelings back.
Why did you marry him in the first place? It sounds like you have already checked out of the marriage since you are already kissing other men. Have you cheated on him before? Is there a reason for his jealousy?
It hasn't been two years and already he is acting violent and threatening to leave you. Let him. With your age and the short length of your marriage, I think you get a "dumb mistake" pass that few people will hold against you. I don't see your marriage going anywhere except making you more miserable and afraid. You lie to him and sneak around. In your descriptions of him you have nothing nice to say.
You have no children and probably few to no real assets. Just file for divorce, take your stuff, and move on with your life.
Is this a real situation? Your American, he's Mexican what does that matter? You actually stood there and listened while his best friend tells you he loves you? You actually take the flowers and bring them home and lie about it? Who doesn't know the code to their computer or at least where its written? He want's his Visa and your on a date kissing some "old friend" while your married to another man. He punches a hole in the wall out of frustration and you think that's the biggest problem in your relationship? Hard to believe you think you deserve sympathy for being married. You drag him to counseling and he goes with you, you don't even speak about your own lies and deception to him. I can't even imagine the reality of what's actually happening to him. You sound sneaky and underhanded he sounds like he knows it and can't prove it. I'm not hearing any thing about him that sounds abnormal, he's trapped in a world with a narcissist holding the key to his freedom that he earned the moment you kissed your "old friend".
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