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Honestly, i'm sadly having a hard time. The ones I could come up with are: he's never cheated on me, he loves me (but doesn't know how to show it well), and he is hard worker.
Well its not like im making up those things he did...they rrally happened. And yes as i said i was wrong to kiss the guy once but i cut things off with him after that. The other issues are recurring...
Well, you already (emotionaly) left your marriage. The comment you made earlier when you said the "friend" didn't wait until you got a "divorce" tells me you checked out. I don't see anything on you're part that you want to save your marriage.
Mrs.H, only you can decide when enough is enough. You seem to enjoy fanning the flames. You know he is jealous and short tempered, yet you bring roses into the house. You'll sit and text other men in front of him. You went on a lunch date with an old flame. It does not seem like you are doing anything to save the marriage.
Guy punches a hole in the wall. I don’t see that as a huge deal or precursor to abuse.
And I agree w/calmverbs...is this real? There are many things in this story that don’t add up. I smell something rotten.
Anyway, it sounds like this guy has some ok reasons to be jealous and angry no? You accept flowers from this guy’s best friend? You kiss guys at lunch dates and downplay it. Seems to me you are allowing yourself to be put into bad situations and making bad choices. You are blaming all this on your husband when it seems like you have significant fault.
Guy punches a hole in the wall. I don’t see that as a huge deal or precursor to abuse.
And I agree w/calmverbs...is this real? There are many things in this story that don’t add up. I smell something rotten.
Anyway, it sounds like this guy has some ok reasons to be jealous and angry no? You accept flowers from this guy’s best friend? You kiss guys at lunch dates and downplay it. Seems to me you are allowing yourself to be put into bad situations and making bad choices. You are blaming all this on your husband when it seems like you have significant fault.
I can’t see it lasting.
Best of luck
No, all of these things happened AFTER he punched the hole in the wall and then kept accusing me daily of having a lover. Here's what happened in a nutshell....got mad that night and punched the hole in the wall, for a couple weeks after that he kept accusing me of having a lover and constantly questioning everything I did (although thats been throughout our relationship), then we went to the counselor about it and he refused to go back/change, then the friend gave me the flowers (which I did throw in the trash and he saw them) and then this week one day is when I kissed the other guy after a day of my husband asking for my computer passwords, saying he "can't wait to get his visa," and not fixing the hole in the wall/helping around the house. So his jealousy is not because of the other man...it was happening even when I was still faithful.
No, all of these things happened AFTER he punched the hole in the wall and then kept accusing me daily of having a lover. Here's what happened in a nutshell....got mad that night and punched the hole in the wall, for a couple weeks after that he kept accusing me of having a lover and constantly questioning everything I did (although thats been throughout our relationship), then we went to the counselor about it and he refused to go back/change, then the friend gave me the flowers (which I did throw in the trash and he saw them) and then this week one day is when I kissed the other guy after a day of my husband asking for my computer passwords, saying he "can't wait to get his visa," and not fixing the hole in the wall/helping around the house. So his jealousy is not because of the other man...it was happening even when I was still faithful.
You DO have another man...or "men" as you have described it.
And No, ALL of these things have not happened after he decided to punch a hole in your wall. You have been posting about your ex and your feelings and how you can't wait to see him long before you posted update after update about your husbands behavioir.
The focus shifted off you to your husband when you started getting flak about your behavioir.
Do you not see the circus you are causing yourself?
Yes you need to get out of this realtionship, it's not healthy...but for gods sake don't make your behavioir all about your "big bad husband" when you yourself haven't been faithful to your vows.
If you made a mistake in marring this man admit it and move on as someone with no ties to bind them and seek happiness elsewhere. All you are doing now is setting up a huge fall around you and doing so in a way where you will be the victim as much as possible.
Stop it.
This isn't about winning and losing. It's about making things right and not leading each other on until you have already moved on
You have no more excuses. Any valid excuse you could try to come up with now for being invovled with other men always in your life in the way they are is invalid. It's a farce, a fabrication to justify your desires and Actions.
You can't keep claiming your husband "made you" do things when you are fully aware of who he is and purposefully contuine to stay with him and endure what you already know to expect.
"We haven't had sex" isn't a justification for hanging out with men you knowingly have affections for. You are cheating on you marriage by going against the vows YOU decided to take. Nowhere within those vows does it say you have the choice to do as you please when you feel displeased as long as thier is no physical sex.
Stop trying to justify your actions just because someone else did something and it made you feel bad.
It may seem like I am trying to ride your ass and make you the sole bad guy here. I am not, your husband is to blame as much as you are if all things said are truth. if he where posting would get the same treatment from me as I give you.
You need to understand the longer you keep dragging out the fact you are not happy the more and more extreme you actions are going to be outside of the marriage. You're already seeing other men and justifying your interactions with them...
Cheating (as you interpret it) doesn't "just" happen honey. It is a culmination of events and situations coming to a head.
I honestly wish you the best and hope to see you post again in a better place than you are now...but if that is what you truthfully want you have to get real with yourself and put yourself Their.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
I see it as ridiculous, childishly impulsive behavior that's unacceptable whether or not it's a precursor to abuse.
Well-adjusted adults who can handle frustration appropriately don't punch holes in walls.
Sort of like people trying to save thier marriages don't seek the counsole and affection of other men, eh?
Last edited by rego00123; 02-20-2015 at 04:36 PM..
Reason: Phone legitimately hates me
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,175,156 times
Reputation: 3814
I had written a wall of text about marriage and selfishness and being responsilbe - in short, growing up. Then it dawned on me how simply it could be done.
Availability is the number 1 reason people cheat.
If you are out with any man that is not a blood relation then at least subconciously, you are making yourself available. Your youth may make you innocent enough to be having trouble reconciling your childish wants with a womans needs and an adult reality. You need to mature up a bit though and start having thoughts about responisibility.
You took vows before God right? What beatitudes - what solemn commitments did you think you really made before the father of creation, family members yada yada - you get where Im going...?
To love honor and obey, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death you do part...
What is love to you? Is it more than sex?
What is honor to you? Is it just you get to do what you want to do and see who you want to see, and kiss who you want to kiss?
Obey is objective - to me it means taking my partner's thoughts and feelings into consideration before doing something, or saying something. Some people take it at its most basic level, and omit it because they arent becoming your servant.
Funny thing is, in its purest form, you are promising to become each other's servant - and therefore it is a perfect word for a commitment of this magnitude.
I am multicultural. My native ancestors to North American approached marriage on the same level.
The husband is judged by the condition of his wife (and any children).
The wife is judged by the condition of her husband (and any children).
Its pretty much the same basic concept.
If you guys cant wrap your heads around working together toward common goals, then fullfill any commitments (do the right thing) and part on as good of terms as possible.
Open and honest communication of how and where all this is going is key.
There is a catch here though, you both have to want it so bad that you are willing to sacrifice for each other and work toward success.
The thought process shifts from ME to US. What do WE want?
Best wishes to you both. I personally hope you go for the marriage. There is no greater high than melding heart and soul into a kindren spirit. Pure god-given ecstasy.
I had written a wall of text about marriage and selfishness and being responsilbe - in short, growing up. Then it dawned on me how simply it could be done.
Availability is the number 1 reason people cheat.
If you are out with any man that is not a blood relation then at least subconciously, you are making yourself available. Your youth may make you innocent enough to be having trouble reconciling your childish wants with a womans needs and an adult reality. You need to mature up a bit though and start having thoughts about responisibility.
You took vows before God right? What beatitudes - what solemn commitments did you think you really made before the father of creation, family members yada yada - you get where Im going...?
To love honor and obey, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death you do part...
What is love to you? Is it more than sex?
What is honor to you? Is it just you get to do what you want to do and see who you want to see, and kiss who you want to kiss?
Obey is objective - to me it means taking my partner's thoughts and feelings into consideration before doing something, or saying something. Some people take it at its most basic level, and omit it because they arent becoming your servant.
Funny thing is, in its purest form, you are promising to become each other's servant - and therefore it is a perfect word for a commitment of this magnitude.
I am multicultural. My native ancestors to North American approached marriage on the same level.
The husband is judged by the condition of his wife (and any children).
The wife is judged by the condition of her husband (and any children).
Its pretty much the same basic concept.
If you guys cant wrap your heads around working together toward common goals, then fullfill any commitments (do the right thing) and part on as good of terms as possible.
Open and honest communication of how and where all this is going is key.
There is a catch here though, you both have to want it so bad that you are willing to sacrifice for each other and work toward success.
The thought process shifts from ME to US. What do WE want?
Best wishes to you both. I personally hope you go for the marriage. There is no greater high than melding heart and soul into a kindren spirit. Pure god-given ecstasy.
Oh, come on.
If you're familiar with ANY of her posting history, you should know they don't have ANY of this ^^^.
There is no marriage to go for.
This isn't a story about covenants and beatitudes and God and oaths and certainly not ecstasy. It's a story of users and selfishness and manipulation and immaturity. It reeks of denial and desperation.
She needs to get out now and get professional psychotherapy. That's it.
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