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It's good to hear that L is handling things so well Robyn. Regarding Jim; do you feel in your heart that he is really in a bad way or do you think it may be another ploy of his? I hate to bring that up but due to his past behavior I wouldn't put a lot behind him. If he is indeed in pain, I will pray for him regardless of how he was to you and the children.
Morning everyone!
Robyn, Jim does sound like he is going through a life-changing emotional experience. It's the first sign I see that he might be truly taking the situation he's in seriously, as well as (hopefully), his responsibility in getting you all where you are at.
He sounds like he's on meds for depression and anxiety - it takes awhile to get the right combination to help. In the interim, it can feel even more upsetting and extreme... when the meds make you feel worse, or don't help at all.
Here is the thing...your nature is to feel compassion for anyone hurting...that is a great quality. Praying for Jim and covering for him in keeping the kids longer periods (your pleasure), is all you can do for him at this time. Everyone makes perfect psychological sense. Jim has survived 35+/- years by being bullied or by bullying...it's what he knows best. He is a product of his environment, as we all are. Best thing you did was to break the cycle of that abuse, while A&L are still under your influence. Jim on the other hand, may be facing the reality of what he's done, whom he's been. The best help for his therapist was when you had your "couples" visit, and you told her the truth. You helped ib that evening, more than either of you probably recognized.
No one can walk ib's walk, Robyn...just as no one walked your painful walk this past year. ib has to feel all these things himself to learn and grow from them. I'm convinced for myself, that unless I feel true emotional pain , I don't learn the lesson well enough to not repeat it. ib needs to feel that pain and as he's doing that, his therapist needs to help him understand that we all make mistakes, that neither Robyn nor the kids made him behave that way, but that it's a learned behavior that we have to throw away, when it's not effective any longer. All those times you stood up to his badgering, warnings, threats with no more than rational common sense, showed him he stood alone (with his Mommy), with no one accepting his behavior. I suspect even that day, when he asked you to move away from everyone else to talk (so he could verbally intimidate you), and you wouldn't, it left him feeling powerless. It has to be tough on ib now, but if anyone tries to disrupt the process, by making him feel he isn't responsible, they are "enabling" ib to continue his abusive nature. I think this experience will make a better person of him in the future.
So, enjoy those lovely children as much as you can. It's your chance to recondition them to what a home and family should be...and rest assured that, whatever ib is going through right now, it should make things better for all of you in the future.
This link is to a humorous video clip by a grandmother comedian named Mrs. Hughes that I received and would like to share to help usher in the 2008 New Year.
It's mostly contains wholesome marriage and family jokes.
For what it's worth, enjoy it!
Video - Crackle (http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059 - broken link)
I spoke w him today, and he is only getting the kids during the day. I asked him that he explain to them, and do not make it as if I am not letting him see them, as he has done in the past.
He said there will be none of that.... He will never do that again...
OH WOW!!! ARE YOU SURE YOU WERE TALKING TO IB?????
Only kidding Robyn ~ ib sounds like he is a defeated & humbled human being ~ someone has convinced him he doesn't have to always be the tough guy! I'm praying it lasts.
Congratulations, you deserve to see this change in him.
Morning everyone!
Robyn, Jim does sound like he is going through a life-changing emotional experience. It's the first sign I see that he might be truly taking the situation he's in seriously, as well as (hopefully), his responsibility in getting you all where you are at.
He sounds like he's on meds for depression and anxiety - it takes awhile to get the right combination to help. In the interim, it can feel even more upsetting and extreme... when the meds make you feel worse, or don't help at all.
Here is the thing...your nature is to feel compassion for anyone hurting...that is a great quality. Praying for Jim and covering for him in keeping the kids longer periods (your pleasure), is all you can do for him at this time. Everyone makes perfect psychological sense. Jim has survived 35+/- years by being bullied or by bullying...it's what he knows best. He is a product of his environment, as we all are. Best thing you did was to break the cycle of that abuse, while A&L are still under your influence. Jim on the other hand, may be facing the reality of what he's done, whom he's been. The best help for his therapist was when you had your "couples" visit, and you told her the truth. You helped ib that evening, more than either of you probably recognized.
No one can walk ib's walk, Robyn...just as no one walked your painful walk this past year. ib has to feel all these things himself to learn and grow from them. I'm convinced for myself, that unless I feel true emotional pain , I don't learn the lesson well enough to not repeat it. ib needs to feel that pain and as he's doing that, his therapist needs to help him understand that we all make mistakes, that neither Robyn nor the kids made him behave that way, but that it's a learned behavior that we have to throw away, when it's not effective any longer. All those times you stood up to his badgering, warnings, threats with no more than rational common sense, showed him he stood alone (with his Mommy), with no one accepting his behavior. I suspect even that day, when he asked you to move away from everyone else to talk (so he could verbally intimidate you), and you wouldn't, it left him feeling powerless. It has to be tough on ib now, but if anyone tries to disrupt the process, by making him feel he isn't responsible, they are "enabling" ib to continue his abusive nature. I think this experience will make a better person of him in the future.
So, enjoy those lovely children as much as you can. It's your chance to recondition them to what a home and family should be...and rest assured that, whatever ib is going through right now, it should make things better for all of you in the future.
It's good to hear that L is handling things so well Robyn. Regarding Jim; do you feel in your heart that he is really in a bad way or do you think it may be another ploy of his? I hate to bring that up but due to his past behavior I wouldn't put a lot behind him. If he is indeed in pain, I will pray for him regardless of how he was to you and the children.
Rock on Rockin' Robyn!
I def. feel he is in a bad way and there is something going on with him. Actually, a bit worried because he has gone fr the extreme of wanting them every single weekend, to not at all, and now to just saturady day.
I def. feel he is in a bad way and there is something going on with him. Actually, a bit worried because he has gone fr the extreme of wanting them every single weekend, to not at all, and now to just saturady day.
MsVs post does say it all, though.
Yes, Msv's post says it all and more. That was a very insightful post MsV. Robyn, I know you feel compassion for what he is going through; I'm the same way. Someone can jerk me around and around but the minute I see them truly in pain, I empathize. This is just something he has to go through. Pray for him to continue along this journey safely, I know I surely will because it is what is best for all of you in the long run.
Maybe he's going thru a severe bout of depression, just a thought.
Well, yes, I agree. I completely agree with that, I have just not ever seen him like this. EVER.
Always tough, never wrong, chouvanistic sp, mean, etc. List can go on.
Whatever he has going on, I do believe, is something he needs in order to move on, though. Just like with me, all the different things that had to happen, in order for me to be able to move on.
Time is what it took for him... for everyone, really.
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Humor is the best medicine!
