Couples who argue about finances...what do they argue about? (dating, wife)

[techcrium]

I've never been married and in all my relationships (all 2 of them) I paid for the majority of the dates. I tried hard to be frugal in most of the dates (using coupons/Groupons/etc) and my ex girlfriends were ok with that.

I don't think we argued alot about finances at all during our relationships.


However, I am told that majority of divorces are caused by money. What are some specific examples that you came across that you argued about?

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by techcrium

I've never been married and in all my relationships (all 2 of them) I paid for the majority of the dates. I tried hard to be frugal in most of the dates (using coupons/Groupons/etc) and my ex girlfriends were ok with that.

I don't think we argued alot about finances at all during our relationships.


However, I am told that majority of divorces are caused by money. What are some specific examples that you came across that you argued about?

Arguments can occur when the two people in the relationship do not view money in the same way.

For instance, if you put a frugal saver and live-for-today spender together, there are going to be issues, lol!

Successful couples recognize the need for an agreed upon financial plan for their money.

When people don't have a plan there will always be disagreements on how exactly money is being, or not being spent.

[Katnan]

-Mismatched spending habits
-Not consulting with your spouse about big expenditures, and/or not agreeing on big expenditures
-The higher earner feeling that they have more rights/more of a say based on income brought in
-Basing the worth of the spouse on whether or not they earn a paycheck

[Wry_Martini]

Mismatched spending habits is a big one. It doesn't even need to be dramatic differences.

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of people have different priorities on how they choose to spend their discretionary income. We all have our nonessential vices. Some people smoke, drink, like to eat in fancy restaurants. Some people buy a new car every year or two. Some people spend their money on clothes and shoes. Some people go to Starbucks every morning.

I was in a relationship one time where it drove my BF crazy that I "wasted" money on a sports car and premium gas. I could afford it, I wasn't asking him for money or late with my bills. It was something that made me happy and made my commute (up to 2 hours of my day) much more pleasant. He just didn't see the sense in spending that kind of money on a car. However, he was the type of guy who would replace his computer and flat-screen TV and stereo components every year or so, every time something new and cooler came out. That wasn't a priority for me, so in my eyes, he was "wasting" money... even though he could afford it, wasn't asking me for money, etc.

[the minx]

I've had these issues. My ex was terrible with money and blew through his paycheck every month without saving anything. And what made it worse was that he was buying stupid stuff: he had to have the NEWEST version of every gadget; he didn't like to wear the same ties over and over so he bought new ties all the time (@ 90-100$ a pop); he was obsessed with food and insisted on going to the most expensive restaurants (50-150$ per person).

I don't spend money on much of anything. We were definitely mismatched and it caused huge issues, especially when we were looking for houses and I realized that we would have to wait a lot longer or lower our expectations because he blew through what should have been part of a down payment.

Definitely something that should be discussed early on. My mistake was thinking it wasn't my business because he was the one earning it, but it WAS my business because we were eventually engaged and I was going to have to live with his habits.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by techcrium

I've never been married and in all my relationships (all 2 of them) I paid for the majority of the dates. I tried hard to be frugal in most of the dates (using coupons/Groupons/etc) and my ex girlfriends were ok with that.

I don't think we argued alot about finances at all during our relationships.


However, I am told that majority of divorces are caused by money. What are some specific examples that you came across that you argued about?

Well, it's one thing to date. It's another thing entirely to be married. On a scale of 1 to 10, dating is a 0.25 and marriage is about a 9.8.

It's simple. Marriage is more than love. It's about building a life together. That means you're joined at the hip in a variety of ways: Romantically, legally, and financially. You are a team.

That means when the two of you aren't in absolute agreement on the rules of the relationship, trouble is coming pretty quickly. So if it's ten days to payday, the car needs new brakes, and there's about 200 bucks in the checking account, it's definitely not okay for your significant other to come in the door with some big discretionary purchase. My wife and I both make really good money. But I don't buy something big without checking in with her, and she with me.

I mean, I've known couples who loved each other but one realized that the other was going to drag him or her down financially into bankruptcy. We have one very good friend whose husband -- a very nice guy -- never quite grew up. So while she was working double shifts at the hospital to pay for the house and her older daughter's tuition, the husband was out buying concert tickets.

She finally hit rock bottom when she took her younger daughter to the emergency room with a broken ankle. She swiped her debit card to pay the co-pay and it was declined. She swiped her credit card and it was declined. She finally had to resort to her mother driving down to the emergency room and lending her the money. Where was husband? Off at a three day music festival after he had been laid off once again. It was the proverbial last straw. She borrowed money from her mother and filed from divorce.

The husband hasn't paid child support in months and lives on a variety of friends' couches despite the fact that he's an electrician. He spends every dime he makes on beer and fun. She still loves him, but part of love is trust. And how can you trust someone with your heart if you can't trust that person with your finances?

Mind you, this is not an argument for separate checking accounts. That causes more trouble than anything. Sure, you'll get the occasional person who says, "We've had separate accounts for thirty years and it's worked great for us." I'd say those are the exceptions, not the rules. If you're not all in for your relationship, it's just not going to work.

[Frihed89]

Originally Posted by techcrium

I've never been married and in all my relationships (all 2 of them) I paid for the majority of the dates. I tried hard to be frugal in most of the dates (using coupons/Groupons/etc) and my ex girlfriends were ok with that.

I don't think we argued alot about finances at all during our relationships.


However, I am told that majority of divorces are caused by money. What are some specific examples that you came across that you argued about?

My ex and I hardly ever argued about money. We argued mainly about who did more than who around the house; who was the better parent; who would take out the garbage; whether the toilet paper should unroll from the top or bottom; how fast i drove; the vegetables we grew; how to weed the garden; how i did the dishes; whose job was more important; which TV channel to watch; my boat; her horses; how to cut the grass; her mother, my mother and father (her father was a prince); where to go on vacation; how to cut back roses; what size irrigation pump we needed; our work hours; the dog; the cats....and sex.

She was (and still is) a lovely person. I just picked someone too much like myself.

[TheJagMan]

Pretty good insights here...I'll add a couple more points.

With the coupons, if someone doesn't want to use it then it's an image (vanity) thing. As soon as you whip out that coupon, it actually embarrasses them and causes them physical pain. On the other end of the spectrum, one can buy a widget for $100, find out it goes on sale the next day for $80 and it causes them pain.

Another issue is unexpected situations. How do they handle a job loss? What if one person has been making $75K/year the entire relationship and gets their dream job and now makes $200K? What if there's an emergency for a family member and $50K is needed to pay medical bills? What if a troublesome sibling is about to get his thumbs broken unless you pay the loan shark $25K to get him out of a gambling debt? You get the idea.

[stan4]

Never fought about money ever.
Been together 9 years, married 6.

1. Marry someone with the identical financial philosophy. Best if you are both prudent savers.

2. Always remember that you want them to be happy, comfortable, and have the things they want. Never resent what they buy just bc you don't like it or think it is stupid or it does not interest you.

3. Always endeavor to live beneath your means so stress is minimized.

[Minntoaz]

Funny just tonight we had a little disagreement. Ultimately he's in control of our finances, but I have a know and say of what's going on. It worked well for us. I have a perfectionist kind of personality so it's just best I'm not aware of where every dollar is going.

Our brief disagreement tonight was regarding the interest rate we got on our first mortgage since we are signing papers for our first bought home. The banker had said our interest rate would be 4.2 % but as we were going through it was 4.5%. Come to find out the banker only "estimated" the rate. I was getting upset but he told me not to worry about it. I can see how some people could get all ruffled and into huge fights if both people are control freaks.