Divorce after 30 years of marriage? Rise in grey divorce? (mistress, calling, couple)
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My parents have been married for over 40 years and I wish they would get divorced. They have been openly expressing their contempt for each other since I was a child. They haven't slept in the same room since I was 9-years-old. They NEVER go anywhere together and they don't even like the same T.V shows much less have any kind of common interests. At first mom said she was doing it for us (though we begged her to divorce) and dad is just too lazy to file. Now, mom takes a perverse pleasure in punishing dad and holding it over his head that she really is the only person on Earth he has. Dad wasn't very nice so we don't have much to do with him, he has no friends, and lost contact with his family years ago. I still speak to him out of pity but my siblings are harder than I am. One of my sisters won't even call on b-days or holidays and we all live in the same city.
My parents have been married for over 40 years and I wish they would get divorced. They have been openly expressing their contempt for each other since I was a child. They haven't slept in the same room since I was 9-years-old. They NEVER go anywhere together and they don't even like the same T.V shows much less have any kind of common interests. At first mom said she was doing it for us (though we begged her to divorce) and dad is just too lazy to file. Now, mom takes a perverse pleasure in punishing dad and holding it over his head that she really is the only person on Earth he has. Dad wasn't very nice so we don't have much to do with him, he has no friends, and lost contact with his family years ago. I still speak to him out of pity but my siblings are harder than I am. One of my sisters won't even call on b-days or holidays and we all live in the same city.
There you go. Proof that people don't stay for the kids and that it's just an excuse. They stay because they want to, because it's not quite as bad as they make it out to be. They need to recalibrate their thinking and behavior towards each other.
Well -- probably there were some good times during those 30 years, some happy moments. It's better to have 30 years of less than happy and then end up with happy years, better than having 30 years of happiness followed by misery -- I think.
Believe me, it was misery since the first day. After the divorce I asked my mother if she would ever marry him again if she could go back in time. She said she would but only so she could have my brother and I. Nothing more.
Sounds like your mom kept the household together for the sake of her children. Few people are.that unselfish nowadays; most will tell you "my kids will be better off raised in a poor, single family household so long as they see me happy." Count your blessings for your mother's sacrifice.
I agree -- obviously she did what she thought was the right thing at the time, and that was to dedicate herself to her kids. Why regret that?
Also by letting the kids grow up with dear old dad, there are no illusions about what he is. I suspect the mother chose to wait until the kids grew up because she believed it would best to give them a stable home and going through a divorce while trying to raise kids wasn't how she wanted to do things.
I agree -- obviously she did what she thought was the right thing at the time, and that was to dedicate herself to her kids. Why regret that?
Also by letting the kids grow up with dear old dad, there are no illusions about what he is. I suspect the mother chose to wait until the kids grew up because she believed it would best to give them a stable home and going through a divorce while trying to raise kids wasn't how she wanted to do things.
Now she can focus on her freedom and herself.
She let us grow up with a father that was just a sperm donor. He once told me he only wanted one child and he would have been happy with just my brother. I was merely an appendix that happened to be born.
She should have divorced the moment she realised who he was. Her own happiness was a lot more important.
Believe me, it was misery since the first day. After the divorce I asked my mother if she would ever marry him again if she could go back in time. She said she would but only so she could have my brother and I. Nothing more.
Are you saying she was completely miserable all the past 30 years? Sometimes people can live with someone who is miserable to be around but still find some kind of happiness because they don't base their happiness on that other person.
Also people can be the most bitter while they are going through a divorce and in time they move on and admit it wasn't all completely bad, even if it wasn't the best.
Are you saying she was completely miserable all the past 30 years? Sometimes people can live with someone who is miserable to be around but still find some kind of happiness because they don't base their happiness on that other person.
Also people can be the most bitter while they are going through a divorce and in time they move on and admit it wasn't all completely bad, even if it wasn't the best.
Yes, she has been miserable for 30 years. But he's getting his payback. Neither my brother and I speak to him. I've even deleted his phone number. Not that he would call me anyway.
She let us grow up with a father that was just a sperm donor. He once told me he only wanted one child and he would have been happy with just my brother. I was merely an appendix that happened to be born.
She should have divorced the moment she realised who he was. Her own happiness was a lot more important.
Yes these sorts of things are hurtful to the children and teaches them that true love doesn't exist. It's awful.
No, what they need is to NOT be together. It's as simple as that. Now that I know their history I know for sure that they should have never married and only did so because mom was pregnant. Even during the early years of their marriage when my dad was in the military when he went overseas he left the family at home though he could have brought us to live with him on base. What does that say about a person? He didn't want to be married to the person he married or deal with having a family. I honestly think my dad hated being a dad. His feelings were apparent in the way he either completely neglected and/or abused us. He wouldn't even watch T.V in the same room as us. The only time he ever noticed us was when he wanted something immediately or to punish us. Once out of spite when my mother returned to school and he had to feed us he refused to let us eat. The food was there on the stove and I went to serve myself and he actually snatched the serving spoon out of my hand and said "If your mother loved you she would be here. You're not eating until you she gets home." Tip of the iceberg, I could go on and on with tales of physical and emotional abuse. I remember crying and drinking water out of the bathroom faucet because I was so hungry. Nice childhood I had. That was better than being raised by a single mom?
Recently, mom has been giving me more information. She basically stuck around due to religious beliefs and because she felt like if she bent over backwards he would love her/ us and act like he gave a crap about us. As she has grown older and realized that she has been a fool and wasted her life she has turned mean too. Now she stays for her pound of flesh.
From dad recently he has said that if he had to do things over again he would have done differently. Though he will not say what it is that he did wrong or what he specifically would have done differently. Well I guess that's as close to an apology as I'll ever get. I'm just glad I'm grown and in no longer subjected to the will of a mean father and co-dependent mother.
Some people really have zero business being together and really really really should get a divorce. I leave it alone because at this point the only people they have the power to hurt and make miserable are themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth
There you go. Proof that people don't stay for the kids and that it's just an excuse. They stay because they want to, because it's not quite as bad as they make it out to be. They need to recalibrate their thinking and behavior towards each other.
My father would compliment the kids and the wives of his friends all the time right in front of us (yes, including my mother).
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