How to handle someone you really care for in a relationship when they don't fight fair? (woman, love)
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Location: Moose Jaw, in between the Moose's butt and nose.
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I say really care for, however, it may be even love on my part. I've only have dated her for just under 3 months, so that's why I'm hesitant to call it that. She however, has used that term (love and in love) towards me.
Seems she really doesn't mean it though, sadly, she's not that young, I'm in my late 40's. She's in her early 50's, old enough, where you think one would know better, especially if one has raised daughters.
We've hit if off very well, but, the few times, we've had disagreements, including a major argument last night, she really gets verbally nasty and I can't be (or wouldn't be thrilled about) being in a long term relationship with someone who does that.
It's like, 2 hockey players, agreeing to fight, and then one has the other one on the ice, but instead of ending it, like the "code" says, just keeps on punching them.
I can handle smoking (as long as one doesn't smell like smoke), I can handle not have 1 thing in common that we are both very passionate about (even though we have several things in common that we like to do), but I can't deal with one who doesn't argue or fight fair.
If you wouldn't say it to your kid or your parent, then don't say it to your SO.
The issue is though, I have deep feelings for her and even though it's just been 3 months, there's been enough invested in it, where I don't want to toss it (some may say, it's been only 3 months, cut your losses and go).
How can I as gentle as possible, say I won't tolerate, at least long term, one who doesn't fight fair?
I say really care for, however, it may be even love on my part. I've only have dated her for just under 3 months, so that's why I'm hesitant to call it that. She however, has used that term (love and in love) towards me.
Seems she really doesn't mean it though, sadly, she's not that young, I'm in my late 40's. She's in her early 50's, old enough, where you think one would know better, especially if one has raised daughters.
We've hit if off very well, but, the few times, we've had disagreements, including a major argument last night, she really gets verbally nasty and I can't be (or wouldn't be thrilled about) being in a long term relationship with someone who does that.
It's like, 2 hockey players, agreeing to fight, and then one has the other one on the ice, but instead of ending it, like the "code" says, just keeps on punching them.
I can handle smoking (as long as one doesn't smell like smoke), I can handle not have 1 thing in common that we are both very passionate about (even though we have several things in common that we like to do), but I can't deal with one who doesn't argue or fight fair.
If you wouldn't say it to your kid or your parent, then don't say it to your SO.
The issue is though, I have deep feelings for her and even though it's just been 3 months, there's been enough invested in it, where I don't want to toss it (some may say, it's been only 3 months, cut your losses and go).
How can I as gentle as possible, say I won't tolerate, at least long term, one who doesn't fight fair?
"You don't fight fair, and it hurts me. I'm not a masochist, so I definitely don't enjoy it or want it to continue. I don't deserve to be treated abusively. I have strong feelings and I really would like to continue this relationship, but this is a dealbreaker for me if we can't work on this."
I say really care for, however, it may be even love on my part. I've only have dated her for just under 3 months, so that's why I'm hesitant to call it that. She however, has used that term (love and in love) towards me.
Seems she really doesn't mean it though, sadly, she's not that young, I'm in my late 40's. She's in her early 50's, old enough, where you think one would know better, especially if one has raised daughters.
We've hit if off very well, but, the few times, we've had disagreements, including a major argument last night, she really gets verbally nasty and I can't be (or wouldn't be thrilled about) being in a long term relationship with someone who does that.
It's like, 2 hockey players, agreeing to fight, and then one has the other one on the ice, but instead of ending it, like the "code" says, just keeps on punching them.
I can handle smoking (as long as one doesn't smell like smoke), I can handle not have 1 thing in common that we are both very passionate about (even though we have several things in common that we like to do), but I can't deal with one who doesn't argue or fight fair.
If you wouldn't say it to your kid or your parent, then don't say it to your SO.
The issue is though, I have deep feelings for her and even though it's just been 3 months, there's been enough invested in it, where I don't want to toss it (some may say, it's been only 3 months, cut your losses and go).
How can I as gentle as possible, say I won't tolerate, at least long term, one who doesn't fight fair?
You both go to a counselor and third party mediator who teaches you tools to fight fair.
The first and only rule of relationships comes into play: Respect Yourself. Be prepared to walk away from a person who doesn't respect you.
So at the next incident, stop what you're doing and walk out of the room. And when she follows you, look her in the eye and say in a very calm voice, "Excuse me. I deal fairly with you and expect the same kind of treatment. If you cannot express disagreement with me like an adult, then we will be done. Because I'm way too old to put up with that baloney."
And then go through with it if she doesn't. Of course, a woman in her 50s who is still behaving that way will likely not change her stripes. Just saying.
I say really care for, however, it may be even love on my part. I've only have dated her for just under 3 months, so that's why I'm hesitant to call it that. She however, has used that term (love and in love) towards me.
Seems she really doesn't mean it though, sadly, she's not that young, I'm in my late 40's. She's in her early 50's, old enough, where you think one would know better, especially if one has raised daughters.
We've hit if off very well, but, the few times, we've had disagreements, including a major argument last night, she really gets verbally nasty and I can't be (or wouldn't be thrilled about) being in a long term relationship with someone who does that.
It's like, 2 hockey players, agreeing to fight, and then one has the other one on the ice, but instead of ending it, like the "code" says, just keeps on punching them.
I can handle smoking (as long as one doesn't smell like smoke), I can handle not have 1 thing in common that we are both very passionate about (even though we have several things in common that we like to do), but I can't deal with one who doesn't argue or fight fair.
If you wouldn't say it to your kid or your parent, then don't say it to your SO.
The issue is though, I have deep feelings for her and even though it's just been 3 months, there's been enough invested in it, where I don't want to toss it (some may say, it's been only 3 months, cut your losses and go).
How can I as gentle as possible, say I won't tolerate, at least long term, one who doesn't fight fair?
That's quite understandable. How the two people handle disagreements is a huge indicator of the viability of relationship over the long haul.
Three months and this kind of fighting? It does not look worth it to try and save it to me especially the age both are. It is not uncommon to have disagreements but it is uncommon to have those types of disagreements 3 months in and for me a major red flag for the long term.
Three months and this kind of fighting? It does not look worth it to try and save it to me especially the age both are. It is not uncommon to have disagreements but it is uncommon to have those types of disagreements 3 months in and for me a major red flag for the long term.
That's true - hadn't caught that. Nasty fights just 3 months in does NOT bode well. OP, how often do these occur?
Location: Moose Jaw, in between the Moose's butt and nose.
5,152 posts, read 8,542,385 times
Reputation: 2038
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
That's true - hadn't caught that. Nasty fights just 3 months in does NOT bode well. OP, how often do these occur?
1st one, 2 others that were more than just disagreements, but not as nasty (she still said a few things, that were out of bounds, like comparing my ability to watch a dog against my ability to watch her teenage daughter).
Unfair fighting is a major sign of disrespect. A SO who does not fight fairly does not love you and does not care about your feeling. Toss while you are only three months in the relationship or be prepared for a lot more of the same kind of fighting.
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