I can't seem to help but be superficial in this case (dating, boyfriend)
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Someone at work is showing consistent interest in me without explicitly verbalizing it; he has a pretty visible genetic abnormality and some minor visible health problems that are possibly also in some way related to his condition.
I am not a very sociable person myself so I am actually quite empathetic to forms of social awkwardness, but this identification really does not extend or morph into attraction.
As well, I can't seem to get past how he looks... and thus my topic choice.
Does anyone have similar experiences to share? what would be some good ways to show him I am really not interested without making it seem like it is due to his looks/hurting his feelings? please help
Someone at work is showing consistent interest in me without explicitly verbalizing it; he has a pretty visible genetic abnormality and some minor visible health problems that are possibly also in some way related to his condition.
I am not a very sociable person myself so I am actually quite empathetic to forms of social awkwardness, but this identification really does not extend or morph into attraction.
As well, I can't seem to get past how he looks... and thus my topic choice.
Does anyone have similar experiences to share? what would be some good ways to show him I am really not interested without making it seem like it is due to his looks/hurting his feelings? please help
I applaud you for being so empathic and sensitive to his feelings! You are a very caring and sensitive person.
Since he is not verbalizing his interest in you; exactly how is he demonstrating his feelings? Are you certain he is thinking of you as someone to date, or could it be he is just seeking friendship?
As far as how to let him know you are not interested in dating him; I would wait until he actually asked for a date and then be truthful without being too explicit. It is your choice whom you date; no matter how the person appears. You can say you make it a rule not to date anyone you work with; or that you're just not dating anyone right now...but always thank the individual for asking. And you don't have to give a full blown explanation of why you've refused a date...sometimes the less said is better.
Someone at work is showing consistent interest in me without explicitly verbalizing it; he has a pretty visible genetic abnormality and some minor visible health problems that are possibly also in some way related to his condition.
I am not a very sociable person myself so I am actually quite empathetic to forms of social awkwardness, but this identification really does not extend or morph into attraction.
As well, I can't seem to get past how he looks... and thus my topic choice.
Does anyone have similar experiences to share? what would be some good ways to show him I am really not interested without making it seem like it is due to his looks/hurting his feelings? please help
So it IS about looks but you don't want him to know that you're being superficial, even though you are?
And you want us to be empathetic to your superficialness?
Keep asking yourself why you can't get past his looks. Keep asking it of yourself and you eventually will. Seems to me you don't want to face the fact that you are being superficial. You need to face it as a problem and not look to others to legitimize unjust behavior. I wouldn't be saying this to you if I didn't believe it for myself as well. I examined this same behavior in myself a couple of years ago and had to admit to myself, rejecting a person on their looks alone was totally unfair to them and dickish. I found it was liberating personally to say "people of all appearances are worthy of me". And "Who am I to reject someone over such a shallow reason?". I did it not because I wanted to sacrifice myself to someone "less than me" but because I didn't want to to be one of those people who have a big ego and make other people sad wherever they go. So it wasn't a sacrifice to me. It was an activity of personal growth I WANTED FOR MYSELF. I did it for myself because I wanted to be a human being and wanted to include ALL human beings in my life. Not play a game of drawing artificial lines to stroke my ego.
Speaking for myself, I am told I am a relatively attractive guy but I will NEVER reject a women over her looks. Never. You're talking immature stuff there, imo. Rejecting someone, separating another over something they cannot control is just plain immature and backward thinking, imo.
This revelation actually started in elementary school, although I didn't really learn it until much later in life. There was this girl in my elementary school class who was teased and rejected by the other kids just because of how she looked. And so one day we were all sitting in class and kids were whispering mean things about this girl and I happened to look over at her and I saw that there was nothing wrong with her. There was such a controlled serenity on her face in the face of all that misguided and immature rejection, that I saw that she was beautiful, if not more beautiful than the other people who didn't have to endure such mental torment. There is true beauty in that and there is true ugliness in those who can't see that.
Consider what your friend has to endure? If YOU are rejecting him because of the way he looks, others must be doing that same thing. So he goes from acquaintance to acquaintance, facing the same kind of rejection over and over. The same kind of ignorance of people who say "It's a legitimate reason not to be attracted to someone over their looks, right? Why doesn't he leave me alone and find someone else?" Ask yourself, who is he going to find if everybody thinks like YOU?
Just my 2 cents.
Last edited by Shankapotomus; 10-16-2010 at 06:00 AM..
If you interact with him always discuss "your boyfriend" or "this guy I'm dating" around him. "My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that. My boyfriend has that same watch, my boyfriend has the same tie, my boyfriend wants to go to...." That typically sends the signal and takes care of the problem. You can also constantly talk about a former boyfriend and it comes across that you are stiil hung up on him....that's a pretty good man defelector too. The obvious is, "I don't date co workers," should the subject ever really come up.
I'm pretty blunt person or, you can usually tell by my body language whether I am inviting any additional personal interaction and I don't resort to lying like this, but it does work in most cases for other people.
What is wrong with him? Does he have down syndrome? Can you be more specific about this genetic adbnormality. Does he have an extra eye? Details please.
What is wrong with him? Does he have down syndrome? Can you be more specific about this genetic adbnormality. Does he have an extra eye? Details please.
I don't know if that really matters in any situation - a person is attracted to or not attracted to people and things about them. It's not something you work on it's more innate. Fortunately, what may not be attractive to one person is attractive to another - so, if you aren't attracted to someone you aren't atrracted. There's nothing evil, sinister or wrong about it unless you string someone along for selfish attention. What may be appealing to me may repulse someone else and vice versa. She isn't attracted to this man and no amount of internal reflection will probably change that.
I don't think it's superficial to not be sexually attracted to someone with a facial abnormality at all. I think it would be a worse scenario if she were to forgo her apprehensions and date him out of pity! That said, I think Katie45 hit the nail on the head. Less is better.
Someone at work is showing consistent interest in me without explicitly verbalizing it; he has a pretty visible genetic abnormality and some minor visible health problems that are possibly also in some way related to his condition.
I am not a very sociable person myself so I am actually quite empathetic to forms of social awkwardness, but this identification really does not extend or morph into attraction.
As well, I can't seem to get past how he looks... and thus my topic choice.
Does anyone have similar experiences to share? what would be some good ways to show him I am really not interested without making it seem like it is due to his looks/hurting his feelings? please help
So, you are an empathetic person who isn't very sociable and has discovered their threshold.
Here's your ticket and welcome aboard the reality express, feel free to move about & explore, but watch out for the bumps.
I just love all the people enabling superficiality in this thread. Nice.
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