I can't seem to help but be superficial in this case (attracted, attractive)

[KylieEve]

I feel what I asked is extremely relevant to the topic at hand. However, I do hope that your co-worker finds true love with the woman of his dreams who accepts him for who he is and doesn't feel the need to ask a bunch of people who have no idea what his conditon is about how to go about letting him down gently.
Perhaps he isn't even interested in you and YOU have misinterpreted his feelings. Perhaps you are not HIS type. Ever think of it that way?

[lirevs]

Originally Posted by Thursday007

I don't know if that really matters in any situation - a person is attracted to or not attracted to people and things about them. It's not something you work on it's more innate. Fortunately, what may not be attractive to one person is attractive to another - so, if you aren't attracted to someone you aren't atrracted. There's nothing evil, sinister or wrong about it unless you string someone along for selfish attention. What may be appealing to me may repulse someone else and vice versa. She isn't attracted to this man and no amount of internal reflection will probably change that.

Originally Posted by DottyDo

I don't think it's superficial to not be sexually attracted to someone with a facial abnormality at all. I think it would be a worse scenario if she were to forgo her apprehensions and date him out of pity! That said, I think Katie45 hit the nail on the head. Less is better.

Thank you for both of your posts.

Originally Posted by WFW&P

So, you are an empathetic person who isn't very sociable and has discovered their threshold.
Here's your ticket and welcome aboard the reality express, feel free to move about & explore, but watch out for the bumps.

Thanks. You've a neat way of summarizing things xD I hope i don't get too many bruises.

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

I don't know why you need to justify your decision. Besides, he's a coworker - a good enough build-in excuse anyway.

You are right, I had originally looked over this aspect. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Davros

Suuure, Shankopotomus. You'll never reject a woman for her looks. You may honestly believe that, but it's not true. I guarantee.

It is unjust behavior to refuse to date somebody ? Give me a break.

lirevs, don't worry about Shankopotomus' posts.

Thanks Davros : )

Originally Posted by TheViking85

I'd just tell him, if he asked for a reason. Truth is better than some pitiful "kindness".

EDIT: The only reason the OP doesn't want to tell this person outright why he's being rejected, is cause it's hard to do, and she wants to take the easy route. I assure you, he'll know why he's being rejected, and someone being honest about it for once, might very bell be a welcome change in his life.

Thanks for replying. Though I believe nobody really likes to be told that they are not attractive no matter who says it, and no matter how it is said. There is no joy in saying this at all.

And I really do believe that my opinion is my own, there is no telling what the next person would think. Someone else might regard his condition as beautiful. I don't reject him as a person - I have no problem being friends with him, I just want to don't wish to have any potential misinterpretation of friendliness from my part.

Originally Posted by stepka

I'm guessing that if the OP had a strong spiritual attraction for this man, she'd be asking us a different question. If there really was a connection there, I think it would be easy to look past the imperfection, but it doesn't sound like there is. I never thought I'd go for a man in a wheelchair, but it was easy for me to look past a wheelchair when I felt a strong attraction for a certain man. Too bad it didn't work out--he rejected me. I think we're all superficial in the sense that the OP is, even Shank, but if you meet "the one," you'll lose that superficiality. Really obvious defects are rare, so most of us never have a chance to find out if we're superficial about it or not--most of us would probably not date someone that we found physically unattractive--we might lower our standards a bit, but not a lot.

Thank you for your input. Well, he is also somewhat timid and socially awkward, and have really only talked about common topics like lunch, weather and the project he is working on... it is impossible to go from there to tell if any spiritual connection exists.

Originally Posted by MIKEETC

Why not tell him that you're not interested but use a different excuse? Ex: Tell him you're already seeing someone else.

Thanks Mike, I'll remember this solution.

Originally Posted by lisalan

I feel what I asked is extremely relevant to the topic at hand. However, I do hope that your co-worker finds true love with the woman of his dreams who accepts him for who he is and doesn't feel the need to ask a bunch of people who have no idea what his conditon is about how to go about letting him down gently.
Perhaps he isn't even interested in you and YOU have misinterpreted his feelings. Perhaps you are not HIS type. Ever think of it that way?

There is no need to be hostile. I thank you for replying to my topic too. If he really feels nothing towards me as you suggested, I feel it would be the best. I too wish only the best for him. : )

[MattB4]

Originally Posted by lirevs

Someone at work is showing consistent interest in me without explicitly verbalizing it; he has a pretty visible genetic abnormality and some minor visible health problems that are possibly also in some way related to his condition.

I am not a very sociable person myself so I am actually quite empathetic to forms of social awkwardness, but this identification really does not extend or morph into attraction.

As well, I can't seem to get past how he looks... and thus my topic choice.

Does anyone have similar experiences to share? what would be some good ways to show him I am really not interested without making it seem like it is due to his looks/hurting his feelings? please help

Here is your problem (bolded area). Its one thing to be empathetic, it is another to lead some one on. Though you may not think you are doing so and indeed you might think you are being nice. You are setting up a scenario wherein what would have been a easier to accept rejection by you, is instead much harder. You made him think there was a chance for returned affection.

Being as your experience with guys is slight that is forgivable. Just do not keep doing this out of misplaced empathy. Stop accepting notes and tell him that you are not interested, in a nice way. Live and learn.

Good fortune.

[KylieEve]

n/a

[KylieEve]

Originally Posted by lirevs

There is no need to be hostile. I thank you for replying to my topic too. If he really feels nothing towards me as you suggested, I feel it would be the best. I too wish only the best for him. : )

Not being hostile. Just giving you a dose of reality in this situation. If you are going to post a thread and someone asks for clarification yet you choose not to give the clarification then???? I'm sorry I wasted my time trying to help.

[STT Resident]

Originally Posted by lisalan

Not being hostile. Just giving you a dose of reality in this situation. If you are going to post a thread and someone asks for clarification yet you choose not to give the clarification then???? I'm sorry I wasted my time trying to help.

I can't for the life of me understand the belligerence here just because the OP doesn't think the details of this man's, "pretty visible genetic abnormality and some minor visible health problems that are possibly also in some way related to his condition" are concerned. Are you inferring that whether he has Down's syndrome, a third eye, spinal bifida, cerebral palsy, a hunchback or any other problem that you have particular and relevant sage advice to offer where her root question is concerned?

[WFW&P]

And here's what I would define as superficial in this particular case: The OP is attracted to the coworker but due to abnormal social skills or physical trait she is concerned what others would think of him. I don't see that present here at all.

[andreaspercheron]

I agree that you don't need to justify your decisions. You just need to be honest and tell him that you're not interested in him at that level but you'd be more than happy to be friends. And to those who are knocking her saying she's superficial. I'd love to see any one of you in the same situation roles reversed with a woman or even another man with obvious deformities and tell me you can get past it. There is nothing wrong with being honest if you're not attracted to someone. If she would have said the guy is too short or he stinks, would it have been better? Doubtful.

[Shankapotomus]

Originally Posted by Davros

Suuure, Shankopotomus. You'll never reject a woman for her looks. You may honestly believe that, but it's not true.

Really? And why do you think that?

[picklejuice]

Originally Posted by Shankapotomus

I just love all the people enabling superficiality in this thread. Nice.

So dude, are you married to, or dating Ruth Buzzi?

I bet if we tested you, you'd eventually end up a superficial set of bullocks like the rest of us. Get off that high horse.