How can a deformed man attract women? (loyalty, young, attractive)

[MegamanX]

Originally Posted by M3 Mitch

Dude, seriously. Black guys can grow their hair long, I don't know if it would look good on you, but you don't have to choose between just dreds and a crew-cut. An Afro may be sort of retro, but, who cares if it makes *you* look good?

For that matter, maybe some facial hair would draw attention away from your ears?

And I didn't say get a job and then head for the Mustang Ranch. I said hit the gym, hit the books, build yourself up during your college years. Graduate with a good degree and get a good job.

OK *then* you get your ears "fixed" ie plastic surgery.

The above will result in well-founded self esteem, you will feel good about yourself because you have made something of yourself. That's not to say you are a nobody now, but your lack of self-confidence is strong and obvious over the internet, it has to be more obvious in person.

Like I posted elsewhere, even if you are, right now, to be blunt, ugly - if you hit the gym and get built and ripped, if you optimize your hairdo, including facial hair, and get some good clothes - I mean even if you are starting out as a "2", you will be up to about a "7" on most women's radar.

You can't get built in 3 days or even 3 weeks, but after 3 months you should see noticable improvements.

But like all my ideas this seems to involve serious work so you probably wont' be interested.

And, seriously, dude, big ears or protruding ears don't really qualify as a "deformity" - The Elephant Man was deformed. You just have big ears. Maybe you should do some volunteer work in a hospital, particularly one that deals with wounded warriors coming back from the Sandbox. That would maybe put your situation in perspective.

I do dress well. People complient me on my clothing. Sadly I do not have much facial hair growing out. I have been working out for over a year to see little results, and I'm keep working at it.


I'm not trying to be rude. My ears are a deformity. I've done some research on the subject matter. They are considered to be a birth defect. My ears are not big. They stick out instead of being on the side of my head. There are people with big ears who ears are on the side of their faces. Two totally different things.

Maybe I should show a picture. I don't know.

[Shankapotomus]

Originally Posted by MegamanX

Hello I'm a 21 year old college and I was born with an ear deformity. I'm not able to attract young women at all. I never experienced the first kiss, date, and girlfriend. Regardless if a woman is a 10 or homly they have no interest in me. Women have no physical attraction towards me. Over 20 women have rejected in me a row.

To tell you a little bit about myself. I'm black. I'm 6'0 at 165 pounds with a little muscle tone. I wear glasses because I can't medically wear contacts. My hobbies are watching football, basketball, and video games. I'm an active member of two clubs on campus so some people know me around campus.

From personal and second hand experience, I have heard of normal women partnering with men that

1. Had no penis
2. were missing a hand
3. had deformed thumbs
4. cerebral palsy

There are more but you get the idea.

Women can be so very forgiving of us hideous men.

[Davros]

Originally Posted by MegamanX

There's so many reponses that I won't make a huge post quoting everyone. Secondly thanks for the responses.

I don't have problems with my personality. People say that I am funny, witty, smart, and fun to be around. I love watching sports and sometimes playing with friends.

I am a member of two clubs on campus. I have met people in clubs and started friendships. Women in these clubs have zero dating interst in me at all. Regardless of that I am very active in these clubs. I am the treassure in one club.

As far as the video game commenets please do not stereotype me as a guy who only stays at home to play video games. I like video games, but they do not consume my time. I only play games a few times a month at best. I am too busy having fun with friends to always play video games.

I am not expecting most women to ask me out on a date. I know some women do ask men out or at least say they are interested before the guy mentions it.

It's not just superfacial women who are rejecting me. All types of women reject me. Even the most unpopular and undesired women on campus will not give me the time of day. I'm black so I don't have the option of growing long hair. Dreads aren't an option because they look awful on me.

To the comments about getting a job after college and try to date. I will not be open to dating after getting a good job. I will not pay someone to date and love me. I rather die lonely then paying someone to be with.

Wow ! Dude it's the 'tude. The comments you made that I bolded are I believe the root of your dating problems, not your ears. Ugly ears are not a deal breaker for most women, though it admitedly might make many women a bit harder to get (i.e. you'll have to exert more effort than you're doing). In other words, you're not a chick magnet like Reggie Bush, but you're probably much better looking than you give yourself credit for. You aren't going to have women flocking around you begging you to go out with them and you aren't going to get a super model, but there are plenty of women who would like to date you if you work on it.

Here's the deal. You have in my opinion two key attutude problems. 1) Desperation 2) Hostility/distrust. You are desperate to have a girlfriend, and women aren't really into that. You think that just because somebody wants to date you when you have a good job, they are "being paid" to date you. Maybe she justs wants a man who has proven himself to be responsible. When you have the attitude that anybody who dates a man who has money is essentially a prostitute means that you have some hostility towards women due to myths you have about how untrustworthy other people are --- women aren't into hostility either.

You are who you are, and you have the attitude that you have. However, attitudes can change with effort. An improved attitude and a higher self confidence can really improve your life.

1) You need to realize that you don't really know that women have zero interest in dating you. You have been turned down 20 times (you estimate, I bet it's fewer than that), and that hurts (I know), but I wager there are more than 20 women in the activities you are involved with. Don't give up. Keep trying. Keep enjoying life and trying to find mutual interests with the women you meet. Anybody who would turn you down just because of your ears would be a nightmare to date anyways. There are women out there who would be interested in dating you. Trust me on this.

2) The good news is you say you have fun with your friends, and you also are aware that being single is far better than dating somebody who has a bad character (although you assume that more people have bad character than actually do). These are both positive things in your life that you should focus on enjoying to help improve your attitude. You have friends you enjoy being with, and you aren't stuck with an abusive or manipulative girlfriend. Resist against the negative feelings that keep nagging at you.

3) If you can afford it, meeting with a therapist (social worker) might be a better investment than plastic surgery, as far as finding a way to overcome your problem with your ears. I have no training in therapy, but you sound like a perfect candidate for group therapy to me. Through group therapy, you could learn that everybody has physical features and mannerisms that they are embarrassed of. Many of the hottest supermodels and movie stars are embarrassed about their looks. Your task is to obtain victory over your embarrassment, and gain in self confidence.

4) And when you have enough money, plastic surgery is an option, but hopefully from #3 you'll be at the point where you don't feel the need for plastic surgery any more.

Good luck.

[MegamanX]

Originally Posted by Davros

Wow ! Dude it's the 'tude. The comments you made that I bolded are I believe the root of your dating problems, not your ears. Ugly ears are not a deal breaker for most women, though it admitedly might make many women a bit harder to get (i.e. you'll have to exert more effort than you're doing). In other words, you're not a chick magnet like Reggie Bush, but you're probably much better looking than you give yourself credit for. You aren't going to have women flocking around you begging you to go out with them and you aren't going to get a super model, but there are plenty of women who would like to date you if you work on it.

Here's the deal. You have in my opinion two key attutude problems. 1) Desperation 2) Hostility/distrust. You are desperate to have a girlfriend, and women aren't really into that. You think that just because somebody wants to date you when you have a good job, they are "being paid" to date you. Maybe she justs wants a man who has proven himself to be responsible. When you have the attitude that anybody who dates a man who has money is essentially a prostitute means that you have some hostility towards women due to myths you have about how untrustworthy other people are --- women aren't into hostility either.

You are who you are, and you have the attitude that you have. However, attitudes can change with effort. An improved attitude and a higher self confidence can really improve your life.

1) You need to realize that you don't really know that women have zero interest in dating you. You have been turned down 20 times (you estimate, I bet it's fewer than that), and that hurts (I know), but I wager there are more than 20 women in the activities you are involved with. Don't give up. Keep trying. Keep enjoying life and trying to find mutual interests with the women you meet. Anybody who would turn you down just because of your ears would be a nightmare to date anyways. There are women out there who would be interested in dating you. Trust me on this.

2) The good news is you say you have fun with your friends, and you also are aware that being single is far better than dating somebody who has a bad character (although you assume that more people have bad character than actually do). These are both positive things in your life that you should focus on enjoying to help improve your attitude. You have friends you enjoy being with, and you aren't stuck with an abusive or manipulative girlfriend. Resist against the negative feelings that keep nagging at you.

3) If you can afford it, meeting with a therapist (social worker) might be a better investment than plastic surgery, as far as finding a way to overcome your problem with your ears. I have no training in therapy, but you sound like a perfect candidate for group therapy to me. Through group therapy, you could learn that everybody has physical features and mannerisms that they are embarrassed of. Many of the hottest supermodels and movie stars are embarrassed about their looks. Your task is to obtain victory over your embarrassment, and gain in self confidence.

4) And when you have enough money, plastic surgery is an option, but hopefully from #3 you'll be at the point where you don't feel the need for plastic surgery any more.

Good luck.

Thanks for the comment. I'm not desperate to find someone. What I meant about money is that after I graduate from school I won't be open to date someone because of their interest in my income. I had a job on campus and women weren't intersted in me.

I know women are uninterested in me because they show no signs interst. I see how women flirt with my friends. They show my friends a lot of attraction towards them. I never get any of that.

I've been working harder for a long time now. I wear better clothes. I'm active on campus. I'm very social and outgoing.

I'm actually underestimated how many women rejected me. Over 20 women who I asked out have rejected me. Hundreds of girls in school and women in college have said how ugly I am to me or near me(I know because they mention dumo ears).

Personally I have nothing against the women who rejected me. They're bad people for rejecting me. I'm not attracted to certain features. Does that make me a bad person? Nope, that's life.

[Lucario]

Originally Posted by TJenkins602

I guess all you can do is learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. Find all of your good points and capitalize on them.

A little background on me, I'm around 6'0" weigh about 185 (skinny fat) I have a face that looks like it got punched a few times (swollen) and I'm brown skinned. I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm uglier than ****. Funny thing is, there are quite a few women who want to go out with me.

The reason for that is I am constantly working towards improving myself. Making myself better. I have plans, I am going places. I am working towards my goals. (That is actually my guess)

Yes, people do care about looks and women are affected by looks. A lot of women react to a "hot stud." But a person who has things together and is taking care of business will probably have a better chance with women than a "Hot stud" who is a screw-up.

That's just my hypothesis.


Keep on going, you are doing good.

Again there is no guarantee, but all you can do is work with what you got and learn to have joy in your life whether you are single or in a relationship.

I will quote a rap song.

"I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses."

Real success is making your weakness your strength, turning pain into power.

There are many things you can do. you must set out a path and walk the path. This is only a season.

Patience and persistence will be rewarded.

P.S. I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you. I have a similar problem, but my problem is insecurtity. If you don't have a good relationship with yourself then you are not going to have a good relationship with others.

You are doing good.

One helluva post. I was an insecure collegian, and that continued into later life, and even to this day (as I contemplate divorce and dating again). Both you and the OP should benefit from such astute and heartfelt words.

I'll just add that life is a marathon, and what you are going through right now is just a mile run.

[Davros]

Originally Posted by MegamanX

Thanks for the comment. I'm not desperate to find someone. What I meant about money is that after I graduate from school I won't be open to date someone because of their interest in my income. I had a job on campus and women weren't intersted in me.

I know women are uninterested in me because they show no signs interst. I see how women flirt with my friends. They show my friends a lot of attraction towards them. I never get any of that.

I've been working harder for a long time now. I wear better clothes. I'm active on campus. I'm very social and outgoing.

I'm actually underestimated how many women rejected me. Over 20 women who I asked out have rejected me. Hundreds of girls in school and women in college have said how ugly I am to me or near me(I know because they mention dumo ears).

Personally I have nothing against the women who rejected me. They're bad people for rejecting me. I'm not attracted to certain features. Does that make me a bad person? Nope, that's life.

Like I said, you're not a chick magnet, but that doesn't mean you can't date. It just means you might have to work at it harder than your "attractive" friends do. Also, who says women have to be the first to flirt ? Have you tried flirting with women who aren't flirting with you to see if they flirt back ?

I also have the slight impression that you are perhaps a little too picky yourself. You mention that there are certain features you aren't attracted to. Well, maybe you ought to focus on what is attractive about certain women who have these features and ask them out. You may find that 10 years down the road you might think about a woman back in college that you thought was "too ugly" back then who you realize wasn't as ugly as you thought she was.

If I were you I would focus on finding women who have mutual interests with you through your activites, don't pay any attention to what they look like (unless you are totally grossed out by them, of course, and would be uncomfortable dating them), and try to see if you want to take the effort to make one of your female friends who has mutual interests with you more than a friend.

Also, consider that some women actually make fun of the looks of somebody who they actually think is kind of cute. It's possible that some of the women/girls who have called you "dumbo" were actually flirting with you, in a misguided way. It is especially likely that this was true in high school, when girls are very immature. Of course, some of them are probably just mean jerks. But is it possible that some of these women/girls over the years who have called you "dumbo" were actually just trying to get your attention ?

In middle school, there was this girl who kept on badgering me to death because of some mole on my right ear, and making fun of me in front of other people, and saying I was gay and that this was an infected ear piercing and gays pierce their right ears. This made me feel very embarrassed and ashamed, but it turns out the girl really liked me and she asked me out later on. I wasn't allowed to date in middle school, so I had to say no, and she moved out of state.

In high school, I had significant acne, but nobody ever made fun of that in front of me. I'm sure most of them were grossed out by it (I was), but nobody said anything except one guy in 8th grade called me a "pimple farmer".

These two experiences both suggest that when people are making fun of your looks, maybe it doesn't really mean you look all that bad. Sometimes, what's most unattractive about you is never mentioned. Freshman year in college, my roommate finally told me I stank at the end of the year. I wish he'd told me that earlier.

[jasper12]

Looks very "trollicious" to me...

[STT Resident]

Several years ago, a lovely employee of mine had a son with the biggest stick-out ears you could imagine. Seriously, you could probably use him to get TV reception if they were wired up. Rather than have them surgically pinned/reduced, whatever, his wise parents decided they'd leave it up to him to decide for himself as it made no difference whether the surgery was performed sooner rather than later.

Whether he's yet gone that route I don't know but the last I heard just a few years ago they were as big as ever, weren't an issue for him or his relationships with others and he'd gone from kindergarten through high school with no peer problems whatsoever - nor girlfriend problems either! He's always known that he can get those big lugs fixed if he ever wants to but he was always secure in himself even as a very little boy and for him they weren't an issue.

In my day I had relationships with, let's see, two men who had had one arm amputated, one with one testicle after the other was sheared off in an accident, one with an amputated leg and another who'd had his toes on one foot amputated after an accident and who had to wear a wedge in all his shoes. None of them had a negative self-image, all were wonderful men with a great outlook on life in general and their shortcomings were nothing to do with their "deformities". You're your own worst enemy and, sorry to appear harsh, but you really do need to get over yourself, grow up and stop making excuses. Your perceived "deformity" is so very minimal in the eyes of others.

[TJenkins602]

What area are you in?!

If people are acting like you say they are acting then it might be better for you to move somewhere else if you can. I wouldn't live in that area.

I personally live in an area that some people would say is cliquey and uppity but I have dealt with people who are nice to me. I have come across women who love to be with me and around me and like I said before, I'm not the hottest guy in the town.

I haven't seen a picture of you before, but I have read a similar situation and when the person showed his picture, he wasn't that bad. (He was Black and had prominent ears as well.)

Maybe it is not you, maybe it is the area you live in.

I've never had people call me ugly to my face or around me since 2005. Even then it wasn't hundreds. Seriously, this sounds like you are living around emotionally unstable and insecure people. I could see this as an action of girls in school. In my school even the "hottest guy" was ugly to at least 10 girls. But hundreds of women in college calling you ugly... something is wrong. I've never seen anyone who is that ugly that he is going to get that kind of treatment. (and I've seen a lot of people).

Maybe, (this may sound crazy to you) people are feeling rather insecure around you and they feel like you are so out of their reach so they put you down. They convince themselves that you are repulsive and for lack of a better term advertise that they think you are repulsive or treat you like dirt just so they could "put you in your place."

I've had come across quite a few women who could've been supermodels as far as I'm concerned and they are downing themselves constantly. They would tell me about how people would treat them in messed up ways. People would pick on them or call them names, etc.

There are some people who will find you attractive and there are people who will find you unattractive. Apparently, you just live in an area where the population is predominently unattracted people. Even then, they are going too far out of their way it seems to bring you down.

For the sake of your feelings or self worth, try reading self improvement books and try to talk to a counselor. Having some form of support and an outlet can be very helpful to you and your life.

Maybe you need some time off from them girls to work on yourself. Just ignore them for a while. You'd be suprised what will happen after.

I myself used to be the butt of foul treatment, but in my case it was more guys trying to bring me down.

[MegamanX]

Originally Posted by Davros

Like I said, you're not a chick magnet, but that doesn't mean you can't date. It just means you might have to work at it harder than your "attractive" friends do. Also, who says women have to be the first to flirt ? Have you tried flirting with women who aren't flirting with you to see if they flirt back ?

I also have the slight impression that you are perhaps a little too picky yourself. You mention that there are certain features you aren't attracted to. Well, maybe you ought to focus on what is attractive about certain women who have these features and ask them out. You may find that 10 years down the road you might think about a woman back in college that you thought was "too ugly" back then who you realize wasn't as ugly as you thought she was.

If I were you I would focus on finding women who have mutual interests with you through your activites, don't pay any attention to what they look like (unless you are totally grossed out by them, of course, and would be uncomfortable dating them), and try to see if you want to take the effort to make one of your female friends who has mutual interests with you more than a friend.

Like I said I've been trying harder with no success and change. I take real good care of myself. I'm not expecting a large group of women to come running to me. I would like to attract some decent women, but it is embarassing and unmanly that I am unable to attract a decent woman.

I will not date someone who I find unattractive. That's not wrong. The women who rejected me are not bad people as well. There's nothing wrong with rejecting someone for the way he or she looks. Looks do matter by getting you in the door. Personality keeps you in the house.

Originally Posted by STT Resident

Several years ago, a lovely employee of mine had a son with the biggest stick-out ears you could imagine. Seriously, you could probably use him to get TV reception if they were wired up. Rather than have them surgically pinned/reduced, whatever, his wise parents decided they'd leave it up to him to decide for himself as it made no difference whether the surgery was performed sooner rather than later.

Whether he's yet gone that route I don't know but the last I heard just a few years ago they were as big as ever, weren't an issue for him or his relationships with others and he'd gone from kindergarten through high school with no peer problems whatsoever - nor girlfriend problems either! He's always known that he can get those big lugs fixed if he ever wants to but he was always secure in himself even as a very little boy and for him they weren't an issue.

In my day I had relationships with, let's see, two men who had had one arm amputated, one with one testicle after the other was sheared off in an accident, one with an amputated leg and another who'd had his toes on one foot amputated after an accident and who had to wear a wedge in all his shoes. None of them had a negative self-image, all were wonderful men with a great outlook on life in general and their shortcomings were nothing to do with their "deformities". You're your own worst enemy and, sorry to appear harsh, but you really do need to get over yourself, grow up and stop making excuses. Your perceived "deformity" is so very minimal in the eyes of others.

I'm not making excuses. No one can make someone be attracted to them. Attraction cannot be controled by anyone.

Originally Posted by TJenkins602

What area are you in?!

If people are acting like you say they are acting then it might be better for you to move somewhere else if you can. I wouldn't live in that area.

I personally live in an area that some people would say is cliquey and uppity but I have dealt with people who are nice to me. I have come across women who love to be with me and around me and like I said before, I'm not the hottest guy in the town.

I haven't seen a picture of you before, but I have read a similar situation and when the person showed his picture, he wasn't that bad. (He was Black and had prominent ears as well.)

I live in TN. "That bad" still means bad looking.