My relationship of 4 years ended.... (Chinese, family, different, Indian)
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I ended it last night because I felt we were too different. I didn't feel the sparks anymore and it was getting too much for me to handle with school, work and hiding it from both mine and his parents. We couldnt tell our parents because mine are traditional Indian who want me to have an arranged marriage.
His parents were Chinese who wanted the same thing. It was getting so hard for me to hide it.
But I am so depressed about it.
I am 22 and have been with him since I was 18. For my age, that is almost a quarter of my life.
Any advice? I feel so broken.
You're both young and the passion apparently died. It happens, and breaking up seems reasonable.
But the parents' wants -- yours *and* his -- should have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with it. If you broke up becasue the parents have a close-minded and deeply selfish attitiude toward you both, then shame on you. And make no mistake about it: their attempt to control your life is the height of selfishness and prejudice. They may claim they're trying to protect you, want what's best for you, etc. But in reality it is nothing but selfish control, pure and simple, guided by a biased belief about other peoples.
It is YOUR LIFE and YOUR CHOICE about a mate. You should politely but firmly tell them to take their stone age mentality about who chooses your mate (i.e. them, not you) and shove it up their a$$. It is YOUR life and YOUR decision and you should NEVER let anyone take that freedom away from you.
You did the right thing. If it was the wrong thing it wouldn't have even entered your mind. And know this, nothing has to be permanent. There is nothing preventing you from both having some space and getting together later on in life.
You're both young and the passion apparently died. It happens, and breaking up seems reasonable.
But the parents' wants -- yours *and* his -- should have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with it. If you broke up becasue the parents have a close-minded and deeply selfish attitiude toward you both, then shame on you. And make no mistake about it: their attempt to control your life is the height of selfishness and prejudice. They may claim they're trying to protect you, want what's best for you, etc. But in reality it is nothing but selfish control, pure and simple, guided by a biased belief about other peoples.
It is YOUR LIFE and YOUR CHOICE about a mate. You should politely but firmly tell them to take their stone age mentality about who chooses your mate (i.e. them, not you) and shove it up their a$$. It is YOUR life and YOUR decision and you should NEVER let anyone take that freedom away from you.
It's all correct of course, but how many marriages/relationships do you know of that worked out when there was zero support from either parents?
It's all correct of course, but how many marriages/relationships do you know of that worked out when there was zero support from either parents?
The parents have a choice: they can stew in their prejudice, close-mindedness, and selfish desire for control at the expense of their own flesh and blood--their child.
Or they can accept that their daughter/son is now an adult, able to decide upon their own life mate in a manner that is free of the encumbrances of the stultifying, freedom-denying traditions from the old country. And they can love and support their child as a loving parent should.
If they choose the former, this tells you something clear: that they have greater love of their own selfishness and their deeply illiberal, hidebound traditions than their own child. And if that's the case, then the child should rightly say to hell with them.
The parents have a choice: they can stew in their prejudice, close-mindedness, and selfish desire for control at the expense of their own flesh and blood--their child.
Or they can accept that their daughter/son is now an adult, able to decide upon their own life mate in a manner that is free of the encumbrances of the stultifying, freedom-denying traditions from the old country. And they can love and support their child as a loving parent should.
If they choose the former, this tells you something clear: that they have greater love of their own selfishness and their deeply illiberal, hidebound traditions than their own child. And if that's the case, then the child should rightly say to hell with them.
I agree with you on this post and the previous post, but I'm trying to be realistic.
First of all, perhaps if OP didn't hide the relationship, maybe at some point both set of parents would come to terms with it. It was a mistake to hide it, although I understand we are a lot braver at our age, than when we were 18.
Secondly, it's very hard to build a good functional relationship when you have negativity and burden of not having support of both parents. It will always linger and hover above your head and eventually will cause a lot of stress on both partners.
And I'm not even talking about OP's situation specifically, I think there was more than one factor involved when it comes to their break-up.
I'm sorry.
Spend some time thinking about what you learned from this relationship. If you can learn something positive, it was a good thing.
You will be fine. You are young and your whole life is ahead of you. Remember you are creating your past - keep moving forward.
Take care of yourself.
I ended it last night because I felt we were too different. I didn't feel the sparks anymore and it was getting too much for me to handle with school, work and hiding it from both mine and his parents. We couldnt tell our parents because mine are traditional Indian who want me to have an arranged marriage.
His parents were Chinese who wanted the same thing. It was getting so hard for me to hide it.
But I am so depressed about it.
I am 22 and have been with him since I was 18. For my age, that is almost a quarter of my life.
Any advice? I feel so broken.
My wife is indian and here parents wanted a traditional arranged marriage also. My wife does everything for her parents and always puts them very high on her list of priorities. I was the only exception to her rule. Love marriages do occur in indian families but only if you are willing to go through the trouble. I am a white american and i still have trouble grasping how indian parents can have SO much influence over their kids. In my expeirence, they won't ever see you as an adult, until you start making decisions for yourself. The problem is that you have hid your boyfriend from your parents for so long that you can't undo the lie. I would say you should either tell your parents about him or walk away from the relationship for good.
We couldnt tell our parents because mine are traditional Indian who want me to have an arranged marriage.
His parents were Chinese who wanted the same thing. It was getting so hard for me to hide it.
I have quite a few Indian friends, so I know what you're talking about. One of my friends (female) family wanted an arranged marriage. She was in love with a guy from school, and her parents didn't know either.
When we were about 25 yrs old, she eloped with him. They've been married now nearly 25 yrs. and have 3 kids. Her family eventually got over the fact that she married someone they didn't pick out for her. They knew if they wanted to still have her, and any future grandchildren, in their lives -- that they'd have to accept him as her husband.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to love and be loved. You deserve to be able to pick out your life mate, yourself.
Follow your heart, and do what makes you happy. Whatever you decide, your parents will still love you.
I have a child too, and there isn't anything he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. I'm sure your family feels the same way about you too.
I don't know what else to say, except ... stay true to yourself.
Most people, regardless of family issues, are not able to form a lifelong functional marriage with their high school sweethearts. I was with my own for 4 years and to this day our many shared experiences and genuine love for each other as people has keep a warm place in my heart. We still stay in touch and he will always be someone I am grateful for having in my life. However, it is good we did not marry. Better the pain now when you have so many years ahead than later when you have further intertwined your lives and families. Your diminished spark comment is a key factor!
I ended it last night because I felt we were too different. I didn't feel the sparks anymore and it was getting too much for me to handle with school, work and hiding it from both mine and his parents. We couldnt tell our parents because mine are traditional Indian who want me to have an arranged marriage.
His parents were Chinese who wanted the same thing. It was getting so hard for me to hide it.
But I am so depressed about it.
I am 22 and have been with him since I was 18. For my age, that is almost a quarter of my life.
Any advice? I feel so broken.
What killed the sparks? Was it the stress from school. work, and hiding this relationship from your parents? Or was it just that you no longer felt the same about him? Since your hurting so bad I'm guessing it was related more to the stress. Perhaps a breakup wasn't necessary after all, especially if this pattern of school, work, and parents is not going to be broken. It will only carry over into your next relationship.
I'm curious what you're going to do next time you meet someone you really like but they don't meet your parents approval. At some point you'll have to do what's best for you and you alone. Not saying it will be easy to stand up to your parents, but if you ever want to be truly happy with a partner, you'll have to confront this issue with your parents at some point.
As for the heartache, nothing much you can do for that. Keep yourself busy, spend time with friends, and just cry when you feel like crying.
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