Just ended distance relationship & feel so bad (dating, boyfriend, long distance)
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Hi, I've been dating a guy in a long distance relationship for 3 years. We're both in our late 40's. When we met through a mutual friend there was a huge connection between us! I was divorced a year and wasn't looking for a relationship but this guy knocked me off my feet, he was so charismatic, open, honest and great fun. The more we got together the better our relationship got and we fell head over heels in love.
We live in different countries, less than an hour by plane but separate daily lives nonetheless. I have 2 sons & a daughter that are between the ages of 17 and 22 and they still live at home so I won't move away. My boyfriend is divorced and has 3 kids aged between 11 and 16. He came to my country to be with me but I felt he didn't really try hard enough, I moved into rented accomodation with him and my ex husband moved back into our house for the 6 months, everybody was happy with the situation and my kids stayed between the family home with their father and the rental home with me & my boyfriend. During our time living together my boyfriend made me happy but there was a lot of pressure on me with bills etc and I found I was getting tired of suggesting things to him to make a living. Eventually things got too tough and he went back to his own country. I moved back into my own house and my ex went back to where he had been staying. My boyfriend wanted me to go with him but I wouldn't leave my kids.
He lives with his brother in his own country at the old family home which was left to his brother as he never married. His brother has a good job, pays all the bills, buys the food etc and my boyfriend who is on welfare just has to take care of his personal expenses like petrol, ciggarettes etc.
It's been 2 years since he returned to his own country after living here and during that time I have done the travelling to see him as when I am there I can stay at the family home with him but if he comes here I won't bring him to my house as my ex still owns half of it.
He never has much money but he does spend it when he manages to hold on to some! He sometimes would pay for my flight over or he'll bring me out for a drink but usually I fund things.
He treats me with a lot of respect when I am at his house, he does nice things for me etc.
Now I am at home 5 months as I was ill and had to go to hospital and although he said he would come over to see me he never did as he couldn't afford it!
I was so hurt, not even a bunch of flowers or a card from him. He said he had got himself in some extra debt and had to pay it off. I was reasonable and told him I would give him time to sort himself out but 5 months later and he still can't afford to come see me unless I can pay for one of his fares either over or back! I told him NO! The other day I finished it as I told him I find that although he is a great guy in many ways he is too irresponsible and that when I go to his country I am sometimes like a 3rd wheel with him and his brother. He tries to please his brother all the time because he feels obligated to him. I also told him that I can't see myself ever being able to move away from where my kids live even though my kids have no problem with it but it's how I feel. I also saw how quick tempered he can get and very immature in his reactions which I didn't like.
Why am I sitting here now feeling so unreasonable. He told me I've broken his heart. I know this will sound pathetic but I feel no other man will ever make me feel as loved as he did and yet my principals told him his actions weren't right and that I was accepting less than I deserve.....so why do I feel so bad.
My best friend reckons he has sucked me in, maybe not intionally but that he has got a hold on me. I think I'm stronger than that and yet I find myself pointing these faults out & then making excuses for him. He made me happier than I had been in a long long time, maybe that's why.
1. You guys are not on the same page and you likely will never be. Do not stay with someone because you are afraid there is nothing better out there for you. Being alone is just fine.
2. Speaking of making it on your own, why are you still living in a house owned by your ex? Time to cut the cord and really start your own life! Liquidate that sucker, take your half, and get your own place. Then make sure you charge your adult children rent if they choose to live there.
Thanks for the replies guys....
@ Zentropa, the country I live in by law does not allow the family home to be sold until the youngest is at least 18 years old, if they are in college then it's 21. He does not have to buy me out either.
When I moved out I tried to stay out and rent my own place but couldn't get a job as my country is in complete recession and welfare wouldn't help me as my name is on this house....believe me I pushed huge brick walls to try to 'Move On' in many areas but kept coming up against red tape.....
You did the right thing. It's hard to let go and hard to imagine right now, but you'll find someone else and you'll be way happier living in the same country as them and with someone who has money to do the things you enjoy without being a mooch.
He sounds like he just takes advantage of others financially (you, his brother), but when push comes to shove (your medical emergency) he was all excuses and nowhere to be seen.
If I loved somebody dearly and they were hospitalized, I would find some way to be at their side and support them as much as possible!
A breakup is definately painful, and I am sorry you are suffering that now! Just look forward to a brigher future, when you find a guy who not only can profess his love for you, but follows it up with the type of actions that show his love!
Obviously we don't control our emotions 100%, but you have no reason to feel bad. If the relationship wasn't working for you, you're not wrong in ending it. 3 years in a long distance relationship is a looong time.
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