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I hardly ever was bullied as a child, maybe because I am female. However, I experienced LOTS of bullying as an adult. Maybe because I lost all my confidence when my parents divorced, when I was about 16. Having no confidence, and seeming weak, might encourage bullies. They might see you as a good target because you don't fight back.
My ex husband bullied me for 10 years. He was an angry alcoholic, and I was someone he could safely unleash his rage at. He left me for another woman, and I know from facebook they are divorced and he never found a good relationship.
In my next romantic relationship, my darling won every argument by saying if I didn't like something I could leave. The thing I disliked, and complained about, was his being with other women.
When my mother became disabled, my siblings, who both have anger problems, repeatedly raged at me for not being a good enough caregiver. They were off the hook because they live far away. Since I never fought back, they never learned to respect me.
I was bullied by managers at 3 jobs, for a total of about 15 years. I stayed, because I thought maybe it was my fault for not doing good enough work, and being afraid I would not find another job.
Could it be my fault somehow that I was bullied so much? Is there something wrong with me? I often wondered about that. I even get bullied at CD forums.
But my most recent experience makes me think I am just a natural target, because I don't have a strong enough personality.
My hobby is music and I and a male friend, I'll call him Wacko, are in the process of trying to start a band. Wacko has periodically gotten extremely angry at me over little things. Recently Wacko and I found a third musician, Kyle, to play with us. The other day we were practicing and Wacko got angry at me for some tiny thing, and he made it into a tremendous big deal. He expressed the anger in email, after we all went home.
I wrote to Wacko and said he was going to scare Kyle off, by expressing all that anger over nothing. Wacko wrote back and said conflict is normal, Kyle can handle it, and it's better to express anger than keep it in.
Kyle wrote to me privately and said he was freaked out by Wacko's anger at me. I had done nothing wrong, and there was no reason for Wacko to be angry.
So, I'm thinking, maybe I am a natural target because I don't have a good enough opinion of myself, and because I seem weak.
I always thought if I was nice to people, they would be nice to me. That is true for some, but it is not true for bullies.
I can't be perfect and always say and do the right things. So when a bully gets angry at me, I can always think of something I did wrong that might have caused it.
But maybe it isn't my mistakes that cause the anger. Maybe it is because I give them a safe outlet for their frustrations and rage.
As someone who has dealt with bullies in workplaces, trust me, you are far from alone. I also dealt with bullies in high school.
I truly believe that mean kids just grow up to become mean adults. They don't really change. A lot of people in society are just ***holes.
I think the bullies get some benefit from it. It feels good to express anger, because it makes you feel you are 100% right and your target is 100% wrong. It's a powerful, self-righteous feeling, and could be like an addictive drug.
Bullies just have to find the right targets, people who won't fight back. Maybe they can tell when someone lacks confidence and will be a good target for them.
I hardly ever was bullied as a child, maybe because I am female. However, I experienced LOTS of bullying as an adult. Maybe because I lost all my confidence when my parents divorced, when I was about 16. Having no confidence, and seeming weak, might encourage bullies. They might see you as a good target because you don't fight back.
My ex husband bullied me for 10 years. He was an angry alcoholic, and I was someone he could safely unleash his rage at. He left me for another woman, and I know from facebook they are divorced and he never found a good relationship.
In my next romantic relationship, my darling won every argument by saying if I didn't like something I could leave. The thing I disliked, and complained about, was his being with other women.
When my mother became disabled, my siblings, who both have anger problems, repeatedly raged at me for not being a good enough caregiver. They were off the hook because they live far away. Since I never fought back, they never learned to respect me.
I was bullied by managers at 3 jobs, for a total of about 15 years. I stayed, because I thought maybe it was my fault for not doing good enough work, and being afraid I would not find another job.
Could it be my fault somehow that I was bullied so much? Is there something wrong with me? I often wondered about that. I even get bullied at CD forums.
But my most recent experience makes me think I am just a natural target, because I don't have a strong enough personality.
My hobby is music and I and a male friend, I'll call him Wacko, are in the process of trying to start a band. Wacko has periodically gotten extremely angry at me over little things. Recently Wacko and I found a third musician, Kyle, to play with us. The other day we were practicing and Wacko got angry at me for some tiny thing, and he made it into a tremendous big deal. He expressed the anger in email, after we all went home.
I wrote to Wacko and said he was going to scare Kyle off, by expressing all that anger over nothing. Wacko wrote back and said conflict is normal, Kyle can handle it, and it's better to express anger than keep it in.
Kyle wrote to me privately and said he was freaked out by Wacko's anger at me. I had done nothing wrong, and there was no reason for Wacko to be angry.
So, I'm thinking, maybe I am a natural target because I don't have a good enough opinion of myself, and because I seem weak.
I always thought if I was nice to people, they would be nice to me. That is true for some, but it is not true for bullies.
I can't be perfect and always say and do the right things. So when a bully gets angry at me, I can always think of something I did wrong that might have caused it.
But maybe it isn't my mistakes that cause the anger. Maybe it is because I give them a safe outlet for their frustrations and rage.
I don't believe anyone is a "born target". Nor do I believe in what you referred to as a "weak personality". What I do believe in is that you can develop the habit of being victimized, and that bullies recognize someone who may not understand how to deflect them. Once they find you they know they can mistreat you over and over. The "blame" (don't like that word, but it sort of fits) falls on both sides. Like thousands of other people I grew up with a class A+ bully. Finally I learned not to let this person rule my life. I stopped engaging, stopped taking it, stood up for myself, and dropped contact. The bully was forced to look elsewhere for a victim. This was MY doing, not theirs.
A bully may never change, but YOU can change by honing your emotional intelligence skills. Realistically you can only control your own behavior. Be careful how you think about this....you can make excuses and decide to settle into a victim role (seems that you have, because its the familiar one) or you can learn how to stand up to bullies. In these days of "bully hatred" its not hard to find out about this. A strong backbone develops over time through exercise...its not a congenital birth defect.
Last edited by Parnassia; 02-03-2018 at 01:44 PM..
I don't believe anyone is a "born target". Nor do I believe in what you referred to as a "weak personality". What I do believe in is that you can develop the habit of being victimized, and that bullies recognize someone who may not understand how to deflect them. Once they find you they know they can mistreat you over and over. The "blame" (don't like that word, but it sort of fits) falls on both sides. Like thousands of other people I grew up with a class A+ bully. Finally I learned not to let this person rule my life. I stopped engaging, stopped taking it, stood up for myself, and dropped contact. The bully was forced to look elsewhere for a victim. This was MY doing, not theirs.
A bully may never change, but YOU can change by honing your emotional intelligence skills. Realistically you can only control your own behavior. Be careful how you think about this....you can make excuses and decide to settle into a victim role (seems that you have, because its the familiar one) or you can learn how to stand up to bullies. In these days of "bully hatred" its not hard to find out about this. A strong backbone develops over time through exercise...its not a congenital birth defect.
I want to finally get a strong backbone, because I am so tired of the stress, and tired of things getting ruined for me by bullies.
I don't know what I should do about Wacko. I think I will give it another chance, and try not to do any of the things that make him angry (like saying ANYTHING even SLIGHTLY critical of Trump. Jeez. And I am a Trump sympathizer).
If he finds things to get angry about anyway, I will have to give up on starting a band with him. I'll just try to find someone else. I am scared of angry people. I think everyone is, actually. We don't know for sure if they could become violent.
OP, if Kyle was freaked out by Wacko's anger, why not ask Kyle if he wants to work with you on the band-formation project, without Wacko? Why not ditch Wacko? Why do you call him a "friend", if he treats you that way? He's not a friend. He has anger issues. Sounds like you found 1 good bandmate--Kyle. That can be the nucleus of your band, you can look for other members. Leave Wacko in the ditch, where he belongs. Let him find someone who will put up with his anger.
What does being female have to do with it? Girls get bullied, too.
Maybe it was because I was a very confident child, so I did not attract bullies.
My personality changed when my parents divorced, when I was 16. I lost all my confidence.
However, I have always worked very hard, at one thing or another, maybe trying to be worth something. That does not prevent bullying, though, because some bullies like to attack you more if you are skilled or intelligent.
So working hard is ok, but it will not prevent bullying, and might even make it worse.
You have to also somehow make yourself confident. So maybe that will be what I try next.
Can you give example on how your managers bullied you? You have had a lot of bullies in your life, so I would guess you are drawn to people like that, or you have a loose definition of bullying.
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OP, if Kyle was freaked out by Wacko's anger, why not ask Kyle if he wants to work with you on the band-formation project, without Wacko? Why not ditch Wacko? Why do you call him a "friend", if he treats you that way? He's not a friend. He has anger issues. Sounds like you found 1 good bandmate--Kyle. That can be the nucleus of your band, you can look for other members. Leave Wacko in the ditch, where he belongs. Let him find someone who will put up with his anger.
Wacko and I are the songwriters and the singers, in addition to playing instruments. Kyle is just an instrumentalist. So working with Wacko is great for me, except that he's crazy. Kyle is very good at his instrument, but I need Wacko to sing with.
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