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I've come to this conclusion and that is my problem. I want to end my life. I won't because of my kids.
My husband and I are getting a divorce. He hates me too. I know this because he's always working to "improve me" because "I lack common sense and do everything half a$$ and he must correct me and show the proper way of things."
After the years of putting up with being cursed at, bullied and corrected I stood up and said no more. We get help or I'm leaving. He didn't join me in therapy very long. I started working two jobs to support myself and two kids. I have the means to leave, but I stay and he still hates me and curses at me and cut me down. And I stay. I hate me too now.
I run daily but I can't now because it's artic outside (I'm in Chicago). It's given me strength but now I can't run and it's not the same on a treadmill. Maybe that's it. I don't know.
I've lost my will. I've lost my strength. I can't be strong, not even for my kids. It's gone. I don't know what to do.
To begin with you, and the children need to distance yourselves from your husband before something worse happens. Usually as divorce progresses it gets nastier, and nastier. If you can find a women's shelter, or a relative that will take you and the children in, it would surely be better for everyone, and especially for you. It seems your husband is nothing more than a spineless bully that is trying to tear down your self-worth to make it seem his is better.
Never hate yourself. If you do, your husband has accomplished what he set out to do initially. Your children most likely look to you for guidance, so to give up, or to give indication to your children that the situation has overwhelmed you will surely distress the children, and be detrimental to their well-being. Above all, stay strong, and believe in what you must do.
I understand that things look bleak right now and I understand how that can feel permanent but it's not. Your husband is abusive and he has contributed to your loss of self worth and loss of love for yourself. I really do think that once you get away from him and are out on your own, you will eventually find yourself again and remember that you are not the person that he has made you out to be nor the one that you currently feel that you hate. Try to focus on the positive things about yourself. You were strong enough to stand up to your husband and say, enough You are strong enough to work two jobs and support yourself. You are strong enough to leave. You are strong enough to get through this. All good qualities. Don't give up on yourself.
Thanks but it's like the life has drained from me or deflated. I felt strong and good about myself and my desition. I still know it's the right desition, I just don't have the mental ability to move forward. I feel like I'm mentally moving backwards. I'm no longer "thirsty" I'm now numb and almost constituted I the fact that it's/I'm not worth it. My strength and will have dried up. I'm done. I have nothing left.
Thanks but it's like the life has drained from me or deflated. I felt strong and good about myself and my desition. I still know it's the right desition, I just don't have the mental ability to move forward. I feel like I'm mentally moving backwards. I'm no longer "thirsty" I'm now numb and almost constituted I the fact that it's/I'm not worth it. My strength and will have dried up. I'm done. I have nothing left.
You sound very depressed and you have every reason to feel this way but don't mistake this for the end. This is temporary. A roadblock. It's big but you can make it through. Are you still seeing your therapist? Have you already moved out? If not, it sounds like it is time. Do you have any friends or family who can help you make the next steps?
I've come to this conclusion and that is my problem. I want to end my life. I won't because of my kids.
My husband and I are getting a divorce. He hates me too. I know this because he's always working to "improve me" because "I lack common sense and do everything half a$$ and he must correct me and show the proper way of things."
After the years of putting up with being cursed at, bullied and corrected I stood up and said no more. We get help or I'm leaving. He didn't join me in therapy very long. I started working two jobs to support myself and two kids. I have the means to leave, but I stay and he still hates me and curses at me and cut me down. And I stay. I hate me too now.
I run daily but I can't now because it's artic outside (I'm in Chicago). It's given me strength but now I can't run and it's not the same on a treadmill. Maybe that's it. I don't know.
I've lost my will. I've lost my strength. I can't be strong, not even for my kids. It's gone. I don't know what to do.
I can't let anyone know how weak I truly am.
Your worth should never be defined by what someone else thinks of you. You just need to be strong enough to get out of the toxic relationship, get the divorce, and get out with the kids.
Kids without a mom, forced to live with an abusive father, will be permanently screwed up. Is he abusive to the children? Or do you think he will be in the future? If he is to you, I can only imagine he is or will be as they get older.
Absolutely continue seeing the therapist, as others here have already stated, and do you have family that can watch the kids? Or are they too young?
At this moment in time, you feel that there is nothing more to be felt. But life, no matter how hard, is made up of waves. Up and down we go! Even if you feel like you've reached the bottom, naturally, life will bring you up again. Even if just for a second. Grab that feeling, and climb higher with it. You must.
You can start with baby steps. Take out your childhood photos, remember the happiest times in your life. Cry. Feel angry. Then change something. Get a totally different haircut (even if you can't afford it, try), do something different just to FEEL different. Wake up at 4 am, smoke a cigarette if you have to. Reorganize the house. It will help. It will give you the strength to go on for another day. Think a lot before you do anything. Try to gain a perspective from the person you remember yourself being before all of this nonsense came your way. If you don't go to church, heck go anyway. Just to sit there in silence, it's nice. People will smile to you, it will help. Sometimes it's beneficial to read Buddha quotes, it's soothing as he always said that an angry person is the one who is really the suffering victim. Not you. Let your husband be angry, it's his choice. It should not affect you. He is projecting the anger toward you, but you don't have to let any feelings arise in you. Naturally they will, but try to get rid of them immediately. They are not real! It's just your body reacting to the stress. Be stronger!! If you can't run outside now, then bundle up and go a public library. Find a really challenging book you never had the time to read, then dive in. I miss Chicago, I was depressed in Chicago once too :-(
In the meantime, do everything you deem right at home. You will not have to feel bad about the negative words coming your way. Like water over a duck. Up and down. You stand firm. Find or plant that baby speck of confident happiness inside of you, and make it grow. One day it will be all good again!
Draw strength, purpose and meaning from your children. Spend as much time as you can with time, having good times...I don't have kids, but I imagine that would be a huge motivation and very fulfilling for you. Go out and socialise if you can, even if you don't feel like it, having the support and positive encouragement will help. Try to increase your self-esteem, be around people who can see see your quality and genuinely comment on them. If you're religious seek help from church.etc, reach out to people. Don't be afraid to show people how 'weak' you are, you sound like you're strong for putting up with that all these years! (y) Cheesy as it sounds, sometimes you can draw strength from within you you never knew you had. Just expose yourself to inspiration, uplifting things and thoughts, not things that will bring you down. I know it's not easy, I've dealt with severe depression and suicidal thoughts (though everyone's situation) but just believe you can get through it. I'll be hoping and praying for ya!
Been there, done that. Wanna know what works? Get out. Grab your purse, your keys, and your kids and leave. Go to a shelter or church and simply say "I need help". They will grab on and help you get your life back. You will feel soooooo much better immediately. Just removing yourself from the situation and the butter-thick air of negativity will change your life. Don't worry about your stuff, the house, the bills, whatever. All those things are issues what can be dealt with after you begin dealing with yourself. Trust me on this. I cannot stress the urgency or be more direct than to advise again and again that you immediately GET OUT! I don't mean next week, I don't mean after you think about it for a day or two, I don't mean after you talk to your mom, friend, co-worker, neighbor, I mean right after you read this post. Shut down the computer and leave. Now.
BTW - This will be scary for the kids, but I guarantee they will be happier and thankful to you for removing them from the even scarier fears they hide inside due to the events within their current home life.
Blessings and best of luck to you.
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