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1. I've come to this conclusion and that is my problem. I want to end my life. I won't because of my kids.
2. My husband and I are getting a divorce. He hates me too. I know this because he's always working to "improve me" because "I lack common sense and do everything half a$$ and he must correct me and show the proper way of things."
3. After the years of putting up with being cursed at, bullied and corrected I stood up and said no more. We get help or I'm leaving. He didn't join me in therapy very long. I started working two jobs to support myself and two kids. I have the means to leave, but I stay and he still hates me and curses at me and cut me down. And I stay. I hate me too now.
4. I run daily but I can't now because it's artic outside (I'm in Chicago). It's given me strength but now I can't run and it's not the same on a treadmill. Maybe that's it. I don't know.
5. I've lost my will. I've lost my strength. I can't be strong, not even for my kids. It's gone. I don't know what to do.
6. I can't let anyone know how weak I truly am.
I don't know if you previously posted in regards to this problem anywhere. Thus, I am simply going to respond to what you wrote here right now.
1. It is good that you won't actually end your life, but in my honest opinion, wanting to end your life aren't exactly good thoughts to have either.
2. Does anyone else in your life express similar views to your husband in regards to this?
3. It honestly appears to me that your husband might be verbally abusing you and making you feel bad.
4. I guess I would say see if you can find another fun and/or pleasurable activity to do instead. Does swimming seem like a good idea to you?
5. Perhaps going to a psychiatrist, explaining this to him/her, and discussing this with him/her might be a good move here on your part?
6. Couldn't letting someone know this be better than having you continue feeling extremely sad and/or depressed, though? I know that letting someone (such as a psychiatrist and/or et cetera) know about this can be hard, but it might end up being the right move to do. I myself was previously in a different situation, but it was similar in the sense that it was hard to talk to someone about my problems and my emotional health, but I ended up managing to do it, and I am currently so glad that I did it.
As a side note, genuinely no offense, but I wonder if your (soon to be ex-)husband has a sadistic streak.
Anyway, I am sorry that I cannot say more in regards to this. Please listen a lot to what other people have to say on this, since my advice in regards to this can certainly be wrong (I am simply being cautious here, since frankly, I don't have all of the answers).
I want what's best for everyone, including him. I don't want to ruin his life and "take him to the cleaners." I can work and support myself and the kids.
The kids have seen everything. Everyone had seen it as he's very public with his discipline or disapproval. He does this in public on purpose. He did admit to that. So everyone can see how much of a bad wife I am. Unfortunately for him people don't approve and he's burned many bridges.
He does get violent. My therapist and the DV counselor I work with have thrown warnings at me. It's just so much to take in along with working the 2 jobs and all the other stuff that come with being a mom (PTO, scouts, dance classes, sports,etx) I know I'm not the only one to go through this and certainly know other have it worse but this is what I'm going through and have come here for support, advice and counsel.
If they are seeing it to and he is doing it in front of anyone and everyone then I think it's even more important for you to leave. By staying, you are teaching your kids that it's ok to treat people this way and that it's ok to be treated that way. I'm sorry to hear that he is violent as well. Please go see your therapist or DV counselor as soon as possible as she can help you come up with a plan for leaving. I wish you well in this. You can do it, Kat! You will get a second chance for a happy life. All you have to do now is just go for it.
Someone asked me how many hours I work a week and it varies from 55-65 hours.
I do need to make an appointment with both the therapist and DV counselor. When you live day in and day out in specific conditions such as mine you become accustom to it. It's painful and frightening but consistent. I hope that makes sense. Abuse is not a word I use lightly and just like everyone else, I believe that can't happen to me, or I would never allow that to happen to me because I'm a strong person. I'm learning that when it is happening to you one becomes in such a state of denial you loose sight of many things as you looking at life through a tunnel just to get through the day. It's very hard to break that pattern and it's confusing. I'm in a constant state if questioning, why, is this the right thing, what did I do to make this happen, how could I have stopped it, what more could I have done. So many questions.
Go ahead and take him to the cleaners. Look, he's not treating YOU or the children well. Currently, he's damaging you and your kids. He knows he's doing it, and he doesn't care. You need to go on the offensive because he's certainly not going to hold back when it comes to the divorce.
Stop protecting him. The more you do that, the more the kids think what he's doing is normal and acceptable. And it's NOT.
There are secrets to be kept in functional marriages, but when they turn toxic and one half of the couple is cheerfully destroying the other half, that expectation of privacy no longer holds. You know why? Because HE has violated the marriage contract with his years of abuse. It's null and void at this point. He has no right to your loyalty or protection. You and your kids need to heal, and he has forfeited any right to expect consideration from you.
Tell the people who can support you what's going on. Let your kids know that they have a right to have a relationship with their father if they choose, but make sure they know who he really is. If you gloss over the hell you've gone through, you just leave your kids more vulnerable to repeating the pattern in their own relationships.
I'm sorry you're so depressed - that can be hellish. But I've been there (severe depression, not domestic abuse), and the best thing you can do is take the first steps. It gets easier after that. Enlist your friends and family without shame. Protect your children. Take a long, hot bath. Plan your escape.
Oh, and buy a hula hoop if you are feeling the lack of exercise. That will give you one hell of a workout
Take back your life. Be an example to your kids. You have already proven you're strong by just staying in this marriage as long as you have, but it's time to do this.
Also, go to a doctor and get a blood test to make sure you are up on all your vitamins. Low D, low iron, etc, can make you very depressed and feel a lack of motivation. If you are working that much, and live in a cold climate you just might have a physical issue that is causing you to feel trapped.
After you address your health then you can deal with the mental side of life better. Gear up for the fight, then take it on. Best of luck to you!
I've come to this conclusion and that is my problem. I want to end my life. I won't because of my kids.
My husband and I are getting a divorce. He hates me too. I know this because he's always working to "improve me" because "I lack common sense and do everything half a$$ and he must correct me and show the proper way of things."
After the years of putting up with being cursed at, bullied and corrected I stood up and said no more. We get help or I'm leaving. He didn't join me in therapy very long. I started working two jobs to support myself and two kids. I have the means to leave, but I stay and he still hates me and curses at me and cut me down. And I stay. I hate me too now.
I run daily but I can't now because it's artic outside (I'm in Chicago). It's given me strength but now I can't run and it's not the same on a treadmill. Maybe that's it. I don't know.
I've lost my will. I've lost my strength. I can't be strong, not even for my kids. It's gone. I don't know what to do.
I can't let anyone know how weak I truly am.
You aren't weak. You are worn down by the years of abuse. I understand, having been in an psychologically abusive marriage for over 20 years. It's easier to stay because as unbearable as it is, and as much as you hate it, it is familiar, and the unknown is just that - unknown. What helped me was coming across a pamphlet that listed the many signs of abuse, and as I identified each one my husband was doing, it made me angry and I resolved not to put up with it any longer. Please read this as it contains a lot of information that may help you.
If you are able to support yourself and your children by yourself I strongly urge you to look for an apartment and move. You won't believe the huge relief you'll feel once you are away from that psychological abuse. And I'm sure your children will benefit from not having to hear the cursing, disrespect and bullying from their father.
Before I left my husband I had many second thoughts and had to fight the urge to stay and "work it out". It helped that my adult son kept encouraging me and helped keep my resolve to leave strong. I hope you have someone in your life that can serve that purpose.
Don't end up being your own abuser by hating yourself. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't blame yourself for not running. Your spirit has been broken, so don't blame yourself for not feeling as strong as you think you need to be. Baby steps...you've already conquered what most abused women face - the inability to leave because of finances. You chose to get a 2nd job and overcome that obstacle. I call that strength. Better days are ahead for you if you break free. I wish you the best of luck and many blessings in your new life.
I'm Nightflyer, Night, and Knightly Knight. I've been around the block a few times to know that any abuse weather it's verbal or tormenting is just as bad as the physical end of things, having served in the military and a long LE career, I mean when I say, I've saw it all.Some of the people here gave you great advice and far better then me, but, I'll try.
I spent my entire life hunting bad guys down, so, I prefer not to discuss what makes them act the way they do.
I hate abusers of any kind, verbal, tormenting, and physical, there is no difference.
Your a mother, it's a full time gig that will never end, your a loving wife, mother, and deserve to be treated much better by a good man,if your man can't be proud of you and can't go on too long with out you,"bail" it's time to bail for you and your kids sake and you're peace of mind, living under stress each and everyday is not healthy, you better off joining the combat applications group, tier 1 Delta, at least you'll know what your up against everyday.
You deserve better truth be told, after sitting down with your man one last time and explain EVERYTHING that drives you nuts and makes you feel down and out and without his support from your so called husband, pick up the phone and call the police and ask the desk Sergeant, who's in charge of signing a restraining order, sit down with the detective and do it, one of the posters said it best, find out why your still together and why you haven't left and not walk away. I agree with her assessment because if your no longer friends, if he doesn't place you high above all others, if he doesn't respect you more then all others, if your NOT first in his life, it's time to bail so your children can live a peaceful normal life. Oh, I don't want to hear he's a good man becuse he works two jobs, he's a man, that's what we do, shoot, I work seven days a week. And I can take off from work any old time I want, and I do, when their's days where I don't want to leave my girl, lol.I believe, you don't give yourself enough credit, you sound like a sweetheart and I really wish you well. Please keep us posted, and please think of yourself second to you're kids, and please keep you're head held high, you sound and speak like a very fine woman who deserves to be happy...
And one last thought,
you're efforts do matter, just becuase you live in a home where you don't hear, doesn't mean it isn't true.
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