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Some people just feel more comfortable around people with whom they feel a sense of solidarity... The women thought they had created a little haven for themselves where they all felt a sense of solidarity in being older women who were dealing with retirement and being alone... learn to respect others' comfort zones rather than trying to challenge them.
I wasn't a part of that forum and I am only giving my perspective... there is truth in what sade693 says. Sometimes it's nice to share in a forum that you feel comfortable and safe sharing in. Also, there may be issues that you feel like bringing up only with people who can understand what you're talking about. As a multiracial/multiethnic woman, there are certain things that I experience that some of friend's can relate to, and when asked why, I find it challenging to explain myself because they haven't walked in my shoes, no matter how much they think it's possible. I have other friends to share with who have experienced similar things in life.
Another point of view is, if you work in retail (like I do) and you have annoying customers, I'm going to share my feelings with other workers that it's safe to talk to so I can vent and not offend. It's not that I hate customers, it's just that the experiences can be trying at times.
That's funny, because I also looked back at that thread for the first time in a while.
While I personally don't care if men posted or not, I do understand the reason it was geared toward women in that situation. There are relatively few single men of retirement age out there. Single older men rarely have a problem finding new partners after death or divorce ends their marriages/relationships, while many of us older women know that we will likely be alone for the rest of our lives. It's a whole different dynamic to think about picking up and moving in the older years to a new place, ALONE. If an older man does this, within a week ten women will find out he lives there and start knocking on his door with pies and beef stew. It will be a very different experience for a woman to move somewhere alone than for a man, period. The women know they will have to make extra effort to meet new people and to find their place in strange surroundings, because they are truly doing it ALONE, whereas most men will not be alone for any length of time in that situation.
So there's an emotional component involved with women that does not exist for most men. We single older women have to go through this whole gamut of emotions and coming to a place of acceptance that we will likely never have another chance to be in a relationship, while an older single man has a good chance of remarrying or finding someone in a very short period of time. This little fact makes all the difference in the world, and it impacts upon things like moving to an unknown place in the older years. I think that fact has a lot to do with the controversy in the thread--men are just not going to be able to understand because they aren't coming from the same emotional place as the women. For an older man, the solitary life is likely temporary. For an older woman, it's permanent. In that thread, to have men come along and act as if they can relate to the women's situation probably set off a whole host of feelings, not so different from a wealthy person talking to a poorer person and pretending to be able to understand their point of view.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 11-02-2013 at 10:15 AM..
Reason: Added last sentence late
This is a safety issue IMO. Unless one woman is retiring alone and is Candy Spelling to afford all sorts of security systems, it can be quite frightening. It's not like old women retire with Ninja skills! We feel as we are easy targets; simple as that. How many times do you read in a magazine/newspapers etc "85 year old woman beat the crap out of robber"?
IF an old woman cannot afford a safer place, she has every right to not feel secure, and ask various questions on the matter. They don't have retiring communities just for women.
We don't like our "feelings" minimized just because you don't have the same feeling or opinion on the matter. That's what it really boils down to on all forums. Certain folks like to minimize others opinions, experiences etc, and that is flat out rude as far as I am concerned, and is what upsets people.
I didn't see the thread, but as a woman who was apparently retiring alone to a new city, it sounds like she was simply asking for the experiences of other women who had done this. It may be that women alone have different experiences than men alone in a new place, and she felt other women's experiences would be more relevant to her own. I don't see why that's a big deal to anyone.
I was not keenly aware of the thread but once-in-awhile noticed some of the comings and goings around the name change. It seems that the issue is that the thread was long standing, and a place for women to discuss retiring alone - and throughout the course of the thread some women created powerful bonds and friendships (that is my impression from reading a few of the comments).
Then some male came in and protested that the name should be changed to add "men" and it was - and "men" preceded women in the title which caused some women to note they had found the thread initially on Google when using search terms "women retiring alone" and now that could not be done.
Evidently some comments of long-time posters were deleted for being "off-topic" when they commented on their current situations . . .etc., etc.
So it really was not at all as you portrayed it . . .
I am not sure why this is such an issue for you - you have started at least two threads on the topic - one in "About the Forum" (People Who Think They Own Threads or some such title), this one, as well as the original threads.
Since this is a Psychology forum I have to ask: "Why does this bother you so much?"
Why is ONE thread, dedicated to "women retiring alone" so threatening to you that you feel it must not be allowed to exist?
Right or wrong, you just experienced the flip side of this behavior.
That is hardly the flip side. Comparing anonymous posting on an Internet forum with opening combat positions to women is absurd IMO.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LexusNexus
I don't understand why their preference for only communicating with women, is a problem for you.
I dont think he has a problem withit, he's just curious. Others are too. If it were IRL, I can understand, but this is a forum where some of the "men" are actually women and visa versa....i.e. its not real, its a fantasy land so why get that upset?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy_J
I see the same thing in the parenting and dogs forums.
Exactly and I think thats more of the issue. While i think the mod was out of line in changing a non offensive title on a long standing post, I dont think the response was any different than if you had changed the best dog evah forum from Poodle to Terrier, Someone with an emotional investment in Poodles would go crazy.
I am not sure why this is such an issue for you - you have started at least two threads on the topic - one in "About the Forum" (People Who Think They Own Threads or some such title), this one, as well as the original threads.
Since this is a Psychology forum I have to ask: "Why does this bother you so much?"
Why is ONE thread, dedicated to "women retiring alone" so threatening to you that you feel it must not be allowed to exist.
I don't know why I bother to answer you since I already explained the things you are asking me but you apparently didn't read my earlier posts, or if you read them you did not understand them. So just for the record, I am not "bothered" and I am not "threatened". I am curious, just like your user name.
The real question is why are you bothered that I would seek to understand something which I don't understand?
You are making a totally false statement when you say I think the "women retiring alone" thread "must not be allowed to exist". I have nothing whatsoever against the existence of that thread, and I was not the one who changed the thread title, as I am not a moderator. What I was against was a male-bashing type of attitude on the part of a poster whose post you did not read because it was taken down within a short time.
I don't know why I bother to answer you since I already explained the things you are asking me but you apparently didn't read my earlier posts, or if you read them you did not understand them. So just for the record, I am not "bothered" and I am not "threatened". I am curious, just like your user name.
The real question is why are you bothered that I would seek to understand something which I don't understand?
You are making a totally false statement when you say I think the "women retiring alone" thread "must not be allowed to exist". I have nothing whatsoever against the existence of that thread, and I was not the one who changed the thread title, as I am not a moderator. What I was against was a male-bashing type of attitude on the part of a poster whose post you did not read because it was taken down within a short time.
Escort I think she has a point though. I think you sound a little annoyed with the whole thing. Not that there is nothing wrong we that, that is a natural feeling when we feel excluded or when we feel people are being irrational.
The women in that thread and in this thread have explained to you why they would rather have no men participating. You don't have to agree or understand their answers but it is in your best interest to respect their wishes. Why? Because what is the point of talking to people who don't want to speak to you? Wouldn't forcing to people to listen to you against their will make you a "dictator"?
It doesn't matter if the reasons are irrational, they don't want you in your circle. Life isn't fair, we all know that. It's like when you date someone and suddenly they decide they want to break up. Can we force them to stay with us because we are the best thing since sliced bread? Maybe, but is it what we really want?
I had a poster tell me something like "I didn't give you permission to post on my thread". The thread didn't say anything about what posters qualified to make comments and I don't think I had any history with that poster. Could I continue to post? Sure, I am pretty confident I can continue posting without getting my posts removed, but is there a point? Not to me. My posts would only bring more disruption since the OP doesn't feel comfortable with my participation.
Please try to analyze your own emotions. You know if you need the answers you can start your own thread or you can continue posting there and let others ignore you or ignore them when they whine about your participation. It's your choice.
I don't know why I bother to answer you since I already explained the things you are asking me but you apparently didn't read my earlier posts, or if you read them you did not understand them. So just for the record, I am not "bothered" and I am not "threatened". I am curious, just like your user name.
The real question is why are you bothered that I would seek to understand something which I don't understand?
You are making a totally false statement when you say I think the "women retiring alone" thread "must not be allowed to exist". I have nothing whatsoever against the existence of that thread, and I was not the one who changed the thread title, as I am not a moderator. What I was against was a male-bashing type of attitude on the part of a poster whose post you did not read because it was taken down within a short time.
Were they actually male-bashing (before the title got changed), or was she simply asking for other women's experiences?
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