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I am seeing a completely different take on this whole thing.
In my opinion, the grandmother appears to be trying to control the OP's choices. If the OP puts the child in daycare, grandma will get offended. Her relationship with her grandchild is primarily monetary in nature--she expects payment whenever she spends with the baby. Because she is the daytime caregiver, she is unable or unwilling to separate her daytime responsibilities with the traditional evening babysitting that most grandparents do for free. I would hate to be in this situation.
A separate issue is the presence of the other relatives, particularly an unrelated young adult male. Is it just me, or is this a red flag for anyone else?
One of the reason that we chose a day-care center is that they are monitored and regulated by the health department. I am wary when it comes to a situation where the exterior doors may be left unlocked, or where grandma may ask another relative to watch the baby for a few minutes. It's family, why should anyone worry? Yet in a day-care center, watching the children is the objective. In a home, the baby is more likely to be left unobserved from time to time.
I think that I would have to look into an outside day-care center that would be willing to do a three or four-day week if you so chose. Be creative and find some good reason for doing it that will not complicate the end of the full-time responsibility for your mother. She can then have the freedom to take your child when you both agree, your money will go to the day-care center for the days which you have agreed upon, and your mother will be able to develop a relationship with her grandchild which will have nothing to do with money. As for evening baby-sitting, let her know that you won't be able to pay anymore, so you'll just have to stay home. I would bet she would volunteer to do it for free.
I feel for you. I don't think many people here get that your mother is almost insisting that you leave the baby with her and setting the terms. You are the parent, and you should have choices. I think that your mother needs to step out of that responsibility because it has warped her relationship with her grandchild. Good luck!
And I would understand that if you were talking about one or two movie nights a month. What she is doing is a job so you need to put it in that context:
ie : ChocLot at job interview:
Potential employer: "We'd like to offer you the job of XX"
ChocLot: "Sounds like an interesting position, I'll need the details, including compensation schedule..."
*******
"Mom can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Sure!" and THEN I say "Thanks, I'll pay you for your time and effort" that would be okay with me, but I DON'T like :
"Mom, can you babysit Cindy?" and her response is "Yeah, how much you gonna pay me?"
See the similarity?
To be honest, the familial tie is clouding my judgment. BUT I'm willing to understand and change my way of thinking to one of recognizing that I'm paying her out of gratitude vs a business arrangement. I won't pretend to be 100% over my irritation, but I have a broader understanding of factors I never considered (or chose to ignore).
I'm willing to understand and change my way of thinking to one of recognizing that I'm paying her out of gratitude vs a business arrangement. I won't pretend to be 100% over my irritation, but I have a broader understanding of factors I never considered (or chose to ignore).
In the eyes of the IRS, though, you do have a business arrangement, and this will provide an opening for you to make any necessary changes. I would advise you to be very careful about allowing your familial relationship to prevent you from recognizing the financial obligations of that arrangement. It's easy to be sidetracked by the resentment you're feeling, but none of that will matter if you or your mother fails to pay the appropriate taxes and the IRS catches on.
I am seeing a completely different take on this whole thing.
In my opinion, the grandmother appears to be trying to control the OP's choices. If the OP puts the child in daycare, grandma will get offended. Her relationship with her grandchild is primarily monetary in nature--she expects payment whenever she spends with the baby. Because she is the daytime caregiver, she is unable or unwilling to separate her daytime responsibilities with the traditional evening babysitting that most grandparents do for free. I would hate to be in this situation.
A separate issue is the presence of the other relatives, particularly an unrelated young adult male. Is it just me, or is this a red flag for anyone else?
One of the reason that we chose a day-care center is that they are monitored and regulated by the health department. I am wary when it comes to a situation where the exterior doors may be left unlocked, or where grandma may ask another relative to watch the baby for a few minutes. It's family, why should anyone worry? Yet in a day-care center, watching the children is the objective. In a home, the baby is more likely to be left unobserved from time to time.
I think that I would have to look into an outside day-care center that would be willing to do a three or four-day week if you so chose. Be creative and find some good reason for doing it that will not complicate the end of the full-time responsibility for your mother. She can then have the freedom to take your child when you both agree, your money will go to the day-care center for the days which you have agreed upon, and your mother will be able to develop a relationship with her grandchild which will have nothing to do with money. As for evening baby-sitting, let her know that you won't be able to pay anymore, so you'll just have to stay home. I would bet she would volunteer to do it for free.
I feel for you. I don't think many people here get that your mother is almost insisting that you leave the baby with her and setting the terms. You are the parent, and you should have choices. I think that your mother needs to step out of that responsibility because it has warped her relationship with her grandchild. Good luck!
You have hit the nail on the head. It's not that I resent paying her as much as it is, that I resent the expectation. It's set up a situation where any instance of babysitting is met with an expectation of compensation. You are COMPLETELY right when you say the relationship is warped; not that I don't believe my mother loves my daughter (I couldn't ask for more devotion!), but I do feel that money has somehow cheapened the grandmother/grandchild bond.
You're also right about the insistence thing. Everyone is saying (or rather yelling!) Suck it up, quit whining, etc without realizing that there's no force involved in her decision to babysit. My mother would be HEARTBROKEN if I took my daughter out of her care just to leave her with strangers. She's paranoid (and rightly so) about abuse and doesn't like the idea of daycare until the child is able to talk and tell you of anything untoward.
Re: the adult male. He's my sister's boyfriend, a complete DEAR and works with children at his job. While I would never 100% trust my children's safety in the hands of anyone, I am comfortable with his presence in my daughter's life.
I hear you on the daycare thing, but I just don't have the heart to hurt my Mom like that! I'll do as I've always done: grin and bear it and put her in daycare when she's 3 and can express herself well verbally. That way no hard feelings and no hurt Moms.
This thread is too long for me to read all posts before replying. I just want to throw my two cents in here.
My mom lived with me and my son from the time he was a year old. Mom worked outside the house and I stayed home. She paid the bills. It was our arrangement because she was done raising her family and caring for her own home.
I treated my mom like a queen... she didn't cook or do housework (except her own bedroom) and was subjected to random massages with my freezing cold hands.
Mom enjoyed her off time and enjoyed playing with her grandson. She was fine watching him for a few minutes (time for me to go to the store) for free. I never, ever went to concerts or sporting events unless I also had money to pay Mom to watch him. This was just how I was. To me my mom's time was worth something; although she lived with us, I never took advantage of that fact. She was NOT my built in baby-sitter.
NO parent should become their child's FREE babysitter. You would pay someone else to watch your child - someone who may or may not even like your child. Yet you would deny the same to your parents? Sorry, to me that is so so wrong. (And especially tacky is for your adult child to say, "Oh ya, by the way, I didn't bring diapers or formula. Could you get some?" I have actually heard this line myself.) It's YOUR child... YOU pay for their needs, and childcare is a very, very big need. YOU pay whomever watches your child... related or not!
Just in case you missed my post (#91) in the midst of all the sniping, please do take the time to look into the tax implications of your arrangement. It's really easy to get burned doing this kind of thing if you fail to file the appropriate paperwork. Better safe than sorry.
I pay my Mom cash and she does file taxes every year (through exemptions she has no tax penalty). If that's not a good system, I'd love to know how to fix. Thanks.
Location: Los Angeles>Little Rock>Houston>Little Rock
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I am a child of the 50s and I have(had) 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. My great grandmother took care of us when we were very young as our mother worked as far back as I can remember. As far as I know there was no compensation although there very well could have been.
Once I got around the age of 8 or so, I kept track of my sisters and my brothers were on their own. Of course, Grandma was in the next apartment if there was some emergency, but under normal circumstances, I was the supervisor and prepared food, did laundry, and took care of other chores.
Sadly, my mother died long before I had my son and I never got to experience the thrill of my own mother meeting her grandchild, much less taking care of him. My husband's parents did occasionally care for him, even overnight sometimes, and never asked for payment.
On the other hand, my sister and her husband had seven children and lived with our mother. The husband rarely worked and my sister didn't during that time either. My Mom worked full time and paid for food, bills, and mortgage in that household. She also baby sat the kids if Sis and Hubby wanted to go out to dinner or out of town, also with no compensation.
I don't know...I don't think your mother should expect compensation to watch the kids while you go out to dinner or even a long weekend. Asking for $ for daily care seems like a given to me.
It's set up a situation where any instance of babysitting is met with an expectation of compensation.
It's interesting that you call your babysitting need an instance but her request for compensation an expectation. It sounds to me like you expect her to watch the child simply because to you she has nothing better to do anyway and she is family so why should that be a business arrangement? You make business arrangements with people you are not attached to; not family. It can be very difficult to reconcile in your mind the idea that an immediate family member doing something for you is treated by one or both parties as a business transaction. That takes the "personal" out of it and can feel really weird because after all it's family.
I cannot say that I agree with your thinking here but you do seem open to others' opinions so here's mine:
Any time you do something for someone as an occasional favor is one thing. When you are expected to be home for a set period of hours on a daily basis doing one particular thing-- family or not-- it's a job. It's no longer being done because you think it's fun or whatever. Like someone said earlier, if a friend calls her to go for coffee/movie/thrift sale or whatever she can't go. Her time is worth something to her and giving up that free time and charging you less than a daycare center is a win-win for both of you.
OK, I just deleted SEVERAL posts that were argumentative, rude and rather mean spirited...please refrain from making nasty remarks so I can keep this thread open.
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